I'm future faking someone...

[futurefakingfornow]

And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...

Hear me out:

Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.

He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...

He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.

Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.

It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.

I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.

And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!

What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.

But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...

Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔

Jeez I'm an idiot...

Are you sure you bumped into him or he knew you were going to be there?

Block him from all communication.

If he escalates phone the police.

Ask woman's aid and the police for advice on exiting an abusive relationship.

Tell your xh and ask him for support, you seem to be on good terms with him.

Speak to your family and friends, you need a supportive network around you atm.

Do not prolong the exit, you have dc and they will be put at further risk. If you are unsafe, so are they.

Will everyone stop blaming the OP! She knows she’s been a bit silly but loads of us have made bad choices over a bloke so stop being so judgey.

OP, tell your XH asap so you know you have his support. Maybe he could move in with you whilst you move.

Who's blaming her or judging?? Most people seem to be worried for her and suggesting she runs, reports and blocks him - everyone is blaming him..

Hi all and thanks once again for the good advice. The majority seems to see on the side of ending it as soon as possible but also to be very cautious indeed, so that's the plan and I will be finishing it today.

Liberty Hill - that exactly what I was worried about and why I was tempted to move house secretly before ending it from a distance. I really don't want him to find out my new address.

I'm not sure if he's a stalker or not. I'm sure it was probably just a coincidence bumping into each other twice in 4 days! We do live close by. But it's in the back of my mind that he doesn't care about the usual boundaries so who knows? I am fairly immature about all this, I do admit that. I haven't dated since my teens so I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing to be honest!!!

Spoke to ex last night when I got in from work. He was so nice about it!!! I was struggling to get my words out properly and started crying a little bit (twat) and he said that judging by my face he was so worried something really bad had happened that he was actually relieved when I told him! Called me a "silly fucker" which I can't really argue with to be honest! 🙈 He's a bit pissed off that I didn't tell him I was back with him (we don't really ask too many questions about each other's love lives, so I just said I'd been seeing someone but not who). He's pleased I'm ending it and said that I already knew he was capable of being a prick and shouldn't have fallen for his apology. He also said that he was too old for me (!) and that he would never have trusted him around the kids given that he didn't mind shouting his mouth off outside their front door! Said he was glad a stood my ground and didn't let him meet them yet. I agreed with that actually, and it's made me wonder if I was hesitant to introduce him to them because I possibly felt the same concerns deep down? Glad I didn't cave. I didn't tell exP that STBX was getting a bit forceful with sex though (really don't think he'd want those details and it would infuriate him) - just that STBX was being pushy and difficult.

Anyway, he gave me a big hug, told me to stop being a slapper and is staying over for the weekend anyway. He's out next Thursday but offered to stay here until then if I felt worried. I said thanks and that we would play it by ear but that I was probably being silly! He's such a good guy - I'm so glad he's the father to my kids, I really am.

So now I've got to bite the bullet. Here's the email I've drafted. I haven't sent it yet. Do you think it's clear enough?!

Hi XXXXXX

I debated calling you to speak to you about this but I didn't think I'd be able to clearly convey what I was trying to get across without getting muddled up or talked around. You are a strong character and in our conversations I often feel a little bit foggy in how I feel, so writing it all down will definitely help me get it clear in my head, as well as allow you to see my point properly.

I want to end things with us. I'm sorry. We've had a lot of good times and fun and up until recently I was really excited about the prospect of a future with you. But I have to be honest and say that I've been feeling massively pressurised by you in terms of how fast you want our relationship to move forward. I have tried to be honest in that, because of my children, I don't want to rush into things and cause distress. As you know, one of them has high functioning autism and any big changes have to be quite carefully prepared for. And even then there's no guarantee she will cope straight away! I felt you were being dismissive of that and still very pushy. I understand and sympathise that you might be getting frustrated with my slower pace of moving things but since we've only known each other a year, I wanted to be sure it was right. I've now come to the very upsetting conclusion that it's not right, for me or my kids.

I'm very sad it's come to this as I care for you a huge amount and was excited that we might be able to make it work. But I think we might just be too different as people to ever truly be happy together. I know that you were getting increasingly unhappy with the way things were and I was getting tired of having to reassure you all the time, tired of being made to feel guilty. We've had some fun times but recently can you honestly say that you've been enjoying our dates? Because you seem so pissed off all the time! Things were going downhill again, like they were before we called it off in the spring. I'm sorry, I'm just not willing to compromise my children's lives yet to fit in around what is still a very new relationship. I have to be sensible. And I just don't feel we are on the same page regarding that, so the best thing to do is end it here before both of us get hurt any further.

You're a wonderful guy and I'm as much to blame here - I should have been more firm about what wasn't working for me. I'm sorry if I haven't always been totally clear. I will miss you very much and wish you nothing but love for the future. But this is where it has to stop for me.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. And I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re to blame/overreacting. You’re scared of the man (and rightly so; he’s dangerous) and have been doing your best to keep yourself safe. So stop blaming yourself for ‘leading him on’. It’s perfectly reasonable to change your mind about someone when you learn they’re disturbed.

The fact that you’re scared to tell him the real reason you don’t want to see him again is worrying.

Get professional advice from women’s aid and the police on ending this relationship. Tell them if you can about the previous stuff (the way he weaselled your address, the ‘accidental’ meetings and the rape). I’m worried about the possibility of him stalking you after you split, or you having to see him again until you move.

Will you miss him very much though?

Thank you

I will miss him but I think it's the ideal of what he and the future could have been rather than the reality. In actual fact he is quite domineering and the situation was making him grumpy so the company was starting to lack. To be honest even if I'd have satisfied some of his demands to speed things up, I feel that he would have just found more things to feel guilty about/push me for. It's a horrible feeling caring about someone and feeling wary of them at the same time.

Do you really think he's as dangerous as all that? Maybe I will ring the non-emergency police number before I finish it just to say that I have worries he might kick off. I've seen that advised before! He might not kick off though - I might be being silly...

That email is too long and fluffy and it treats the dc as the main obstacle. Cut it down, it's not assertive enough and it's not even clear. You could miss the I'm breaking up with you in the explanations!

Shorten it.

Also it gives him too much power - it may be true that he muddles you and talks you round, but he doesn't need that confirmed. He'll be encouraged to doorstep you.

Keep the email to a few shorter paragraphs.

@futurefakingfornow

For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

THIS IS RAPE! Run and Report. Protect yourself got christ's sake!

I agree with pp that the email is too fluffy. You sound like a nice personals a people pleaser, which is probably why you've ended up where you are (I used to be v much like this!) You need to be more assertive and not so worried about hurting his feelings, you don't owe him anything.

Be polite, but assertive and to the point. Take back your power.

Keep it really short, direct and to the point. From what you say it sounds like he could persuade you to change your mind eg he's wonderful and you will miss him.

I've just read a lot more of your thread and you blame yourself a lot... I think you could do with going on A freedom program- his abuse is not your fault!

Just to add, i'd put money on his response being a very long email pointing out all your flaws, beautifully articulated to make you feel like complete shit. Delete, block and move on.

Might have abusive undertones? Might? He sounds terrifying. He raped you, you need to not see him again. Imo you didn't just bump into him in the taxi queue, he followed you.

I don't think you're being silly though I think having your ex around is a great idea. You seem really scared of him atm. I thought your email explained things well until you said about missing him very much. If somebody said that to me, I would think that there was hope for the relationship and you don't want that. I hope your move goes well and that you can start afresh xx

"Hi
Writing to let you know that I have realised it isn't going to work between us. I'm sorry but the issues that led to us breaking up before haven't changed so I am ending it now. Please respect my decision and accept my best wishes for the future.
Goodbye "

^ Something more like that.

Oh god don't send that. Its so apologetic, and you sound quite weak and hand wringing in it (sorry). It's also quite mixed messages "You're amazing and wonderful and I was planning a future with you but.....here is a list of things you could turn around and insist you can change and badger me relentlessly about till I give in since I've just told you how wonderful you are and am obviously guilt wracked over you".

Just send category's email above.

Agree with categorys email. Yours was too long and flattering.

He sounds completely unstable and I think breaking up with him before you move is for the best. He might have been driven into a frenzy if you'd just disappeared and then pulled out all the stops to find you. This way he can have a few weeks of shock and then you'll be gone. Good luck!

Email way too long and off the point. You want to break up with him so short concise no ego massages no excuses to why it won't work

Just a "Hi, it was a mistake getting back together I don't see a future am ending this now please respect my decision. And I'm trusting you to keep your distance from my family/home."

Then block and move on don't reply or justify the whys?

Yep definitely too nice. He'll try to talk you around by saying you can go slower and then he'll get angry when you aren't willing to try again.

You just need to say it's over, you don't actually need to give him any reason why and you definitely don't need to "blame" it on your autistic daughter. He needs to accept you've ended it and that all there is to it.

That big long explanation gives him too many opportunities to counter the reasons that you have given for ending it

Yes to short 'it's over' email or text and then block. You don't need to explain anything. You have the right to end any relationship at any time. You sound like a people pleaser and as others have said the freedom programme will help you. You can do it online. You say you havent dated since your teens. Before dating anyone I would get clued up on how to spot an abuser. There's info on mumsnet on red flags and warning signs. Here's some links...

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/what-is-domestic-violence

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/