I'm future faking someone...

[futurefakingfornow]

And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...

Hear me out:

Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.

He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...

He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.

Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.

It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.

I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.

And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!

What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.

But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...

Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔

Jeez I'm an idiot...

You are not being cowardly, you are being tactical, in order to keep yourself and your kids safe.
The man raped you last weekend, and you would be best placed to cut contact now, telling him that the way he forced you has put you off him.
If ending it now feels too unsafe, avoid him. Be ill or say your kids are ill, till you can get away from him.
please don't see him again. don't put yourself in that danger.
Remember that There is no reasoning with an unreasonable person, so I'm not sure finishing with him "properly" is on the cards. He's unlikely to day " yes, you've fit a point, I'm a violent control freak, you're better of out of it ".

You need to end this now. You are putting your kids at risk from someone who is very angry and violent.

Do you really think you saw him three times coincidentally or was he stalking you.

For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me
There's a word for that...

Sorry, posted early.
You shouldn't try to handle this alone. Involve the police, ask about getting an injunction. And tell your ex , he sounds like an alli.
And go to woman's aid, the y will have lots of advice for you.

Op, you have an opportunity to walk away from a situation that lots of women get stuck. Use the support you have, involve b the authorised, it will give you weight in the situation.
And stop beating yourself up. Good sex makes evening else fade to the edges, and stood you thinking straight, but you can see clearly now, so act.

Best of luck

End it now.

The "storming" round to your house to speak to your ex - he understandably thought you were still with your ex, he went to your house, spoke to your ex, and fucked off when told to fuck off. I can't see much wrong with what he did tbh.

You're telling him you love him and making all these plans with him, then moaning that he's getting too close? Bizzare behaviour on your part.

Are you secretly enjoying the "drama"? Because there really doesn't need to be any.

He left you alone when you last broke up with him and you haven't said anything that would indicate he won't just do the same again.

Tell him it's not working for you any more, it's over, and block him.

Do you really think you saw him three times coincidentally or was he stalking you

The guy lives 6 roads away from the OP, quite frankly I'm surprised she didn't bump into him sooner.

Oh God do you all really think it was rape then? I went over it in my head a few times afterwards and no I suppose I didn't technically consent, more gave in. It wasn't horrendously un-pleasurable or traumatising or anything. More "go on then, get it over with" compared with the sex we'd had the night before, which was great. I did keep telling him that I didn't have time, that I had to get back, etc. But he kept kissing me in a sort of "you can't resist me" kind of way and did it anyway. But you know, I don't think HE would have thought it was rape at all! More like part of the fun, once more the road type of thing. He'd probably cry his eyes out if I described it as such!

I don't think the police would be very interested as a) he's not done anything "bad" yet - and he may not at all; and b) I've clearly gone along for the ride - they'll think it's 6 of 1, etc. It probably is!

Maybe I will tell my ex this weekend? He will be furious but eventually understanding I think. Not looking forward to that convo! Also he made me tell him FWB's address after the incident in April/May, whenever it was. Basically so that if I ever went missing that would be the first place he'd look!!! We joked about it at the time but what if ex goes round there and starts something?! My god I can't believe what trouble I've potentially caused here! 🤦🏼‍♀️

That's the reason I favour just stringing it out for the next month. It serves me right for getting myself into this position so I'll just have to deal with it - anything to spare my family from any needless trouble or drama. I might be able to get away with not seeing him any evening this weekend as my period is due on Monday so I could tell him it came a couple of days early I guess? He'd possibly ask me to meet him for a drink anyway. So then, what with the weekend he goes away, I'd only really see him twice or three times more before the move. Think I can cope with that. I do like the idea of sending him a Dear John letter on the way to my new life! But I'm a terrible wuss.

I work for the NHS so I don't think he could get my new workplace details from old colleagues as we're pretty big on confidentiality! ;-)
Also, great idea about the electoral roll details - I'd forgotten about that. Thanks to all of you for your help. Still unclear on what to do next but will have to play this guy by ear.

Seriously ?? If this is real how old are you ? You sound like a silly school girl, let alone a grown woman with 2 dc !

WHY are you telling him you love him ?
WHY are you telling him you'll move in together ?
YOU are making this worse and getting yourself into a potential dangerous situation and for what ? Because " the sex is amazing "
You sound like an idiot.

Send him a message, tell him its over, block him, move house !

Please get out now. You owe this man nothing, you aren't married and you don't need to stretch this out for weeks before you move.

I met someone like this. I didn't respond quick enough as I was collecting the kids from school and he went bonkers by email. Luckily he hadn't been to our house yet so didn't know where I lived.

And when you get away don't be stupid enough to message him again. He's already kicked off at the house your kids are in. What more do you want!

I know this is all my fault. I really have been a bloody idiot and when we first hooked up again in the summer, he did actually seem like a changed man. Like he was more stable and relaxed about it all. Slowly over the last couple of months, he's started to emotionally blackmail me a bit. So I didn't start making any plans or tell him I loved him, but gradually during sex he would say it to me and then again afterwards. He'd then say but you clearly don't love me - you're just using me for sex, etc. I'd deny it and say that I thought I did love him (at times it felt like I did, but I'm not sure it's proper love) but that I was very confused and didn't want to make things heavy yet as it made him upset. But he wants to push forward too quickly and doesn't care that it's a bit too much. It's like there's this unsaid threat not to cross him or I'll pay. He's showing it in small ways and has once thrown all caution to the wind in the past. Scared he'll do it again.

I haven't been fair to him and I've been very weak to go along with what he's saying. But I can't explain why. I haven't meant to lead him on - it's only been in the last month really that he's started pushing for a more permanent future and for some reason I have been too scared to actively be honest with him that I'm not ready for that yet. Last time I did, he accused me of using him to cheat on my ex and then used the opportunity to taunt me over text whilst I was at work that he was going over to talk to my ex. I couldn't believe he actually did it!!! I I couldn't do a thing about it and he knew that. That's why I'm wary of drawing his ire again.

I got swept up like a silly cow. But last weekend has given me a big kick up the arse and I'm realising what I have to do. I just don't know the safest way to do it.

I'd stop seeing him as of now no more last more drinks no more one for the road.
You don't want a future with him
You are now wary of him
he's beginning to be forceful during sex. You didn't want it but he did so basically took it.

Cool it off be sick be unavailable if you are really worried he'll kick off before you move.
Detach from him now today
Protect yourself you don't owe this man a thing.
I too think its too much of a coincidence that he happened to be at that taxi rank!

Definitely not enjoying the drama though! Actual very trying to avoid causing more (especially for my poor kids and ex) and after this, I will be staying celibate until I'm sure I won't just people please another idiot.

Was he playing when he said " you're not going anywhere yet"? or did he say it in an aggressive way. It could be playful, or sinister, it all depends on the tone. Did you say "NO"? Did you go along with it. I sometimes jump on my FWB but if he said, "no I have to go now" I would leave it. Do you feel you could have done the same with him?

He sounds a bit unhinged, but I would be worried that disappearing and him getting pissed and tracking you down could escalate things, when you could tell him now and put an end to it once and for all.

Can't you tell him that you are busy with moving etc, and in not a good place at the moment, but not give him any details. i think to lead him on for the next 3 weeks is not good for your either. Are you scared of him?

Maybe your Ex needs to have a word again.......

Message him its over, block him.
Phone 111 for advice that you are finishing with a potentially abusive partner.

There are much wiser people on mumsnet than me but I would suggest contacting Woman's Aid for advice. The moment of leaving is the most dangerous point for a woman in an abusive relationship and I think getting proper guidance from people who know their stuff would be a very good move.

I really wouldn't see him again except in public; if he comes round afterwards, I would keep the door closed and call the police. That way there would be a record of his behaviour with them. That's what I would do though and again, I would really ask WA for proper advice.

So it's advisable to end it now? I'd prefer that in many ways but I just worry that he would then make it his mission to find out where I'm moving to and I really, really don't want him finding out my new address.

What would women's aid say? I don't want to waste their time when this is self inflicted. I really am a massive dick sometimes.

I understand why you want to keep him sweet till you move but I don't understand why you would continue to meet him. That's madness. Even if you keep making an excuse eg one of the kids is ill or something, keep him at arm's length then just go. If you don't think that will work, then dump him but have a plan if he gets nasty.

He wasn't entirely aggressive that morning. I think HE thought it was playful. But it felt a tiny bit like I really would have had a job to get him to stop which would have then resulted in a strop - I just couldn't be bothered and went along with it. I wouldn't have described it as rape - other posters did. But maybe a bit coercive. It did make me feel a bit rattled afterwards but I wasn't hurt or anything.

And as for taxi rank coincidence, I have wondered the same thing as he mentioned being out for a friend's birthday but seemed fairly sober (in comparison to my drunk as a skunk, very merry indeed).

I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and talk to ex over the weekend. He is going to give me one hell of a (well deserved) ear bashing but I'm hoping he'll be on my side. He might help me come up with a plan or come and stay over a bit more over the next month but can't be there all the time so I'll have to deal with it myself and so I should.

At first I thought I would eventually love those things with FWB man. I felt excited at the prospect, but way down the line. He doesn't want to wait though - he was too pushy to the point of seeming unstable if not getting his way. I had very strong feelings for this man but I've realised that it's not going to be a good match and I'm hesitant to take it further for a reason. I have children and I just don't think I can trust him, so that's that. :-(