Think I've had enough of DH

[Jessie1980]

My husband isn't all bad, he provides financially, he will do any diy etc around the place but he isn't a great father imo although he portrays himself as being great with the kids around family etc.
Kids are 5 and 3, he seems to be nagging at them constantly. Ds 5 has just started school and when doing his homework (which was quite a task I thought, and thought he would need to do it over a few sittings) Dh kept telling him to 'pick up that pen you dropped, put a lid on that pen, if you'd just sit and concentrate you'd get on a lot better etc) no encouragement, no interest in what he was actually doing.
It always seems to be this way, he never encourages them, never has small talk with them, at the dinner table everyone is to be quiet and eat their dinner. He's.very strict on how they talk, saying please and thank you is one of.the most important things to him although he doesn't always say it.himself!! 😂 The.kids are well.mannered and in school or at parties they always get glowing reports for their behaviour as it is but it's just like he can't relax and is always looking for a reason to criticise and tell them what to do. This is turn leads to me undermining him as I think he is unfair in his expectations or doesn't handle a situation very well (it's all do as I say because I said so) and so our relationship is on the rocks. I was ready to walk out months ago, he took it as a big surprise, wouldn't do counselling as there was nothing wrong and couldn't see what the issue was, he just didn't want the kids growing up to be cheeky.
I find myself counting the days until he goes back to work so that we can all relax again.
My main worry is that if I was to leave him that I wouldn't be comfortable with him having the kids on his own but at the same.time realise that would probably be difficult to enforce seeing as he isn't physically abusive and to the outside world he looks like the world's best husband and father. His family think the sun shines out of his *. They would be very surprised to hear we were separating. I have spoken to my family before and they notice his behaviour towards the kids too, esp Ds and think it's over the top too so I know its not just me.

@pointythings

I find it difficult to believe I have known him 8 years and am only just realising what he is really like. I'm usually very good at sussing people out, maybe I just kept making excuses, I just don't know.
Yeah it does sound awful when you write these things down. I mean, saying sorry just comes naturally, especially to your kids I would have thought? I just don't understand it.
The other day when he was.asking what kind of counsellor I was going to see, he made a comment that it was about us, not the kids when I reminded him it was his attitude towards the kids that was causing the problems. I reminded him he used to call Dd 'it' until I pulled him up for it, his reply? I didn't call her 'it' all the time...so that made it OK?!?

Jessie your DH sounds as if he may have some form of attachment disorder. Referring to your own child as 'it' isn't normal. Not for a moment, not ever. His upbringing sounds deeply emotionally dysfunctional. Thing is, people like that learn to wear the mask. They learn to be deeply manipulative and so they are able to keep the people who love them in the dark for a very long time. I don't think we are in the same situation - I think your situation is infinitely worse. I really hope you find the strength to leave, because this man will be damaging your children. They need to see normal warm, loving human relationships. They must not learn to normalise your DH's detachment.

I've not heard of that before, will go have a read up on it.

Attachment disorder is where there is a disruption between the baby and their main carer, usually the mother, usually due to mental illness in the mother. It can cause enormous problems, not least an inability to form healthy emotional relationships. It's also associated with substance misuse problems. I'm not diagnosing your DH, and it isn't an excuse for his behaviour - he has a choice to admit that this is not normal and seek help - but is is a possible explanation. You should still leave.

Ah @pointythings - I had a look after putting Dc to bed and didn't find much about fathers. I now realise you meant between him and his mother!

From what the family have said about him as a child, he didn't mix well with other kids bur preferred his own company, he was very serious but he did well at school and as the oldest sibling he looked after / out for his two younger siblings (so you'd expect him to be caring towards his kids)
He would never tell the Dc he loved them or.cuddle.them until the last time I had.it out with him.

But did his parents love and cuddle him? And does he now love and cuddle his kids like he means it?

He sometimes tell them he loves them before bed. If they instigate a cuddle he will cuddle them. He's hopeless at comforting them if they are upset / hurt.
As for his own parents, I'm not sure, his dad does cuddle the kids but he also tells me Ds 'boys don't cry' and all that crap, he has done since he was around 2?! Drives me mad. His dad can be overbearing and has a controlling streak in him. His mother doesn't really think.of others, it's always about her. I don't really see much affection from her apart from a hug and kiss when she arrives and when she leaves. Their family all do this, I've never been very comfortable with it, esp at the beginning when I didn't know them. Whenever they see each other everyone hugs and rhe same when they leave. But no real affection. Maybe Dh is just a combination of both his parents.