Think I've had enough of DH

[Jessie1980]

My husband isn't all bad, he provides financially, he will do any diy etc around the place but he isn't a great father imo although he portrays himself as being great with the kids around family etc.
Kids are 5 and 3, he seems to be nagging at them constantly. Ds 5 has just started school and when doing his homework (which was quite a task I thought, and thought he would need to do it over a few sittings) Dh kept telling him to 'pick up that pen you dropped, put a lid on that pen, if you'd just sit and concentrate you'd get on a lot better etc) no encouragement, no interest in what he was actually doing.
It always seems to be this way, he never encourages them, never has small talk with them, at the dinner table everyone is to be quiet and eat their dinner. He's.very strict on how they talk, saying please and thank you is one of.the most important things to him although he doesn't always say it.himself!! 😂 The.kids are well.mannered and in school or at parties they always get glowing reports for their behaviour as it is but it's just like he can't relax and is always looking for a reason to criticise and tell them what to do. This is turn leads to me undermining him as I think he is unfair in his expectations or doesn't handle a situation very well (it's all do as I say because I said so) and so our relationship is on the rocks. I was ready to walk out months ago, he took it as a big surprise, wouldn't do counselling as there was nothing wrong and couldn't see what the issue was, he just didn't want the kids growing up to be cheeky.
I find myself counting the days until he goes back to work so that we can all relax again.
My main worry is that if I was to leave him that I wouldn't be comfortable with him having the kids on his own but at the same.time realise that would probably be difficult to enforce seeing as he isn't physically abusive and to the outside world he looks like the world's best husband and father. His family think the sun shines out of his *. They would be very surprised to hear we were separating. I have spoken to my family before and they notice his behaviour towards the kids too, esp Ds and think it's over the top too so I know its not just me.

He won't see it.
Ive tried for years to make H realise that he was putting Dc1 down all the time, is always in his back etc..
Whereas he actually isn't with dc2 (who is more like him, whereas Dc1 is more like me temperament wise).
I hate the fact he is clearly preferring one child to the other as well as the out down.

But H just doesn't see what is wrong and keeps repeating (just like your H) but he is doing xxx, I need to tell him off.
The fact that he was having a go at a 5yo for putting half a teaspoon of sugar in his porridge, as if he didn't deserve it, never seem to be an issue to him :(

My father was just like your husband, OP. My brother and mother and I were treading on eggshells when he was around. It was like he was constantly waiting for someone to do something he could criticise them for. He never really played with us, never seemed to be interested in what we were thinking. He just wanted to create little versions of himself. Our mother was quiet and kept her opinions to herself for the sake of a quiet life. He worked hard and provided us with a warm dry safe home, but there was little emotional warmth there. It was as if he didn't know how to enjoy life himself.

I grew up wishing he was like my friends' fathers.

I had little love or respect for him growing up, to be honest. We weren't ever close. I went away to uni and never went back to live with them (brother had already done the same ahead of me). After he died, I found out he was incredibly proud of both my brother and I - something he had never felt able to say to either of us. :-(

My point is that it may be no bad thing for there to be more distance between your DH and the kids - and may give them a chance to see you happy with someone else who is maybe a better role model for them, one day.

@P1ainejanine - your Df sounds similar too. I did believe he loves the kids and he will send family a photo or two of the kids now and again like he's proud of them but he would never say it.

It's me that sees other men with their kids and I find myself wishing he was more like them - constantly...

I do pity him too though as he hasn't got anything other than his family. If he loses us he really doesn't have anything else.

@Everythingwillbegreat - he seems to target Ds (5) a lot more than Dd (3), sometimes it seems Ds cannot do anything right.

And as I said already, now he is being extra nice to the kids, asking them out to help him with some painting of a shed making out this is what he is always like.

Sorry, another post.

Do I really need counselling? I've not been abused or traumatised and don't actually know what I'd gain from it?

I feel I'm probably better to just find out my rights etc.

Well I can tell you that counselling is helping me a lot.
There is no abuse as such going in either even though you can argue that actually some of these behaviours are hurtful that it is a form of abuse).
It helps me offload instead of keeping it all in.
It helps me to see things for what they are.
It helps me to see the role I have played (eg why I let him get away with murder) and not to stay in that role
And it helps me starting to sort out what I want and how I am going to get there (situation is more complicated on my side due to finances, country of residence etc etc)

I do pity him too though as he hasn't got anything other than his family. If he loses us he really doesn't have anything else.

YY to that. But also very sad that he doesn't get to share the intimacy and the love from his dcs.
The dcs are loosing out yes. He is too.

Counselling can really help you validate the knowledge that what your H is doing is not right, that you are not overreacting or overly sensitive and that you have a right to a happy family life. It can help you set boundaries and give you the strength, if it comes to it, to walk away to the life you and your DCs deserve.

@pointythings

Thank you, I think that's what I needed to hear. I'm so confused as to what's the right thing to do. Do I give him onelast chance to pull up his socks as I only opened my.eyes and stopped making excuses for him a few.months ago. He did get better but as I said already, he started slipping into bad habits again.

Go for the counselling and let that guide your decision. But don't wait around forever - between his attitude and his drink problem he has a lot of work to do if he's to be a decent bloke. And I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to realise it either.

I agree and tbh, deep down I can only see our marriage going one way, but I need to know I gave him plenty time to make it right before making that final decision.

Don't let 'giving him time' turn into complete inertia. You have to work out where your red lines are and then act.

My DH is currently going through rehab for his alcoholism. He's had too many chances, I should have done this two years ago. But there are no more chances after this and he knows it. if he drinks again, the next thing he will get from me is a divorce petition. He knows that too. But having that inner resolve, while liberating and strengthening, is hard to reach. Counselling will help you find it.

@pointythings I totally agree with you, time slips away and before I knew it, I'd been making excuses for him being a rubbish dad for 5 years. Realisation has hit.

At the moment we are just making small talk in front of the kids. I have been going to bed early last few nights as I've not been feeling great so we haven't had much time on our own but he hasn't once asked to talk.about things or.try to.sort it out. It's like he's just leaving it up to me to do whatever I decide. It's probably easy to see what that decision is from.the outside but doubly tough when your Dh doesn't want to.have an input. Maybe it's to tell everyone that I left with the kids and he doesn't know.why? I don't know. He is away back.to.work come Sunday, maybe I will get more from.him.when he is away.

Your H sounds like mine in some ways, though it has to be said for mine the alcohol has been the thing that has made him withdrawn and depressed. The similarity is in the lack of insight - my DH had absolutely no idea how I had been feeling since he started drinking heavily until his rehab asked me to write an impact statement and confronted him with it, followed by a guided conversation with both of us and a specialist counsellor. That got through. He's really working on not blocking his emotions now and is engaging in therapy.

Thing is for you and me, we have boiled frog syndrome. Things start off getting a little worse, but gradually. Then we end up at a point where things are unbearable, but we bear them because we have been slowly conditioned to be used to them. Until something snaps.

@pointythings at least your Dh is seeking help.and trying to.change to save his marriage.

I laid my cards on the table back in June, didn't hold back so this should not be a surprise to him this time. I haven't mentioned his drinking, I feel I have enough to say without bringing that up. Also feel if I did bring it up I'd just be told there's nothing he can do.right. He did say before that this is who.he is and.that I.was.trying to change the person he is and he wasn't.going to.start pretending to be someone he wasn't.

It's so difficult.

Jessie my DH is seeking help because I made him. I gave him an ultimatum. He may have been at a point where he was redy to seek help. he may not - I don't live in his head. But I disagree with posters who say an ultimatum is useless - it isn't, not if you are 100% ready to follow through on it. Getting to that 100% has been hard but I am there. You need the counselling to find that strength for yourself.

@pointythings fingers crossed it all works out for you and your Dh is able to.change.
Yes I think I reached that point earlier.this year, I wasn't scared to spell it all out to him whereas before he'd turn it around on me and I'd doubt myself or make excuses.for him. It felt like a weight had been lifted last June and that I'd passed it all back onto him knowing I.was correct in what I was witnessing everyday in our family

So the next thing you need to do is start believing you can build a happy life for you and your DCs without him. Because you can.

Thank you.

I think that the hardest part is breaking up the family, the Dc love him obviously and miss him when he goes away to work. Ds has.friends.whos parents have split and he's talked to.be about it in the past and said he didn't want that to happen to his Df and.Dm. Just more guilt to deal with!

@Jessie1980 your doing really well. I still feel guilty about things relating to the divorce but I think that's quite normal. I do everything in my power (and against considerable knobby resistance) to make sure their relationship is a success. It will be ok. It's a process remember x
Ps I have a heavy cold and I hope that didn't come over as waffley bollocks. If it did feel free to ignore :)

@wannabestressfree thank you. There always seems to be guilt if you're a mum and I suppose I've been made to feel that this is all my doing. Dh doesn't appear to have a conscience about anything.
It must be tough trying to make.sure their relationship works esp when you've left to protect the Dc from.their behaviour in the first place.

Thing is for you and me, we have boiled frog syndrome. Things start off getting a little worse, but gradually. Then we end up at a point where things are unbearable, but we bear them because we have been slowly conditioned to be used to them. Until something snaps.

Thanks you for that. It is actually quite illuminating for me.

Jessie can I remind you that if you do get divorced, then this will not be YOUR Fault, as in yours only fault.
Your DH has a huge part to play in that. You've made your feelings clear. You've explained what is and isn't acceptable for you. You've made plenty of efforts to make things work and given plenty of chances and allowances.
Now it's up to your DH to hold his part of bargain.
If it fails, who you think will bear the biggest responsibility in all that? I really don't think it will be you iyswim.

Everything I hope having been illuminated you can now also find the strength to do what you need to in order to get the happy life you deserve. These things are never easy but in the end they will be worthwhile. I set it out in the meeting last week - that I felt I was at a fork in the road with two options: 1) life with a non-drinking DH who was coming to terms with his emotional issues and engaging with therapy to recover, or 2) life without DH in it.

And I made it very clear that while I would prefer option 1, I would live perfectly well with option 2, as would our DDs. DH fully accepts that if he drinks again and we split, they will choose to live with me.

@everythingwillbegreat

Well he left for work today, he is away for 4 weeks with limited contact, just text and email really. Anyway he's left without wanting to discuss 'us' or 'our family' just did a couple of jobs and left. Kids were upset as usual. He knows I am going to be seing a counsellor while he's away and I'd have thought he may have wanted to sit and talk to try and sort things but it's almost like he has taken the huff, given up and probably as I said before is leaving it up to me to decide what to do whilst making minimal effort. He probably sounds like a right horrible person but he is actually a nice guy, very serious and doesn't know how to have fun but I know he cares for his family and loves us. But is that enough though...

I know that me and the DC's would be OK on our own too, once we got on our feet after everything was sorted out. We cope fine for over 6 months of the year as it is so I am more than used to being here on my own with them.
And at the same time I don't see what other.option Dh gives me if he is unprepared to have a good look at himself and admit there are things that need to change in his behaviour. I can't see that happening, he never likes to admit if he's wrong and never says sorry to me or the Dc (esp them, I've told him to apologise to Ds when he ran into his ankle with the buggy while on holiday and cut him, he refused to say sorry and gave Ds a row for getting in his way - I was fuming )

Jessie your DH sounds way, way worse than mine. Mine is fundamentally a decent guy who has struggled with his upbringing and the things life has thrown at him, plus a genetic predisposition to alcoholism in the family. He is working really hard to develop insight and solutions. Yours sounds more damaged than that, sad to say. My DH has always, always apologised to us when he has done wrong.