Think I've had enough of DH

[Jessie1980]

My husband isn't all bad, he provides financially, he will do any diy etc around the place but he isn't a great father imo although he portrays himself as being great with the kids around family etc.
Kids are 5 and 3, he seems to be nagging at them constantly. Ds 5 has just started school and when doing his homework (which was quite a task I thought, and thought he would need to do it over a few sittings) Dh kept telling him to 'pick up that pen you dropped, put a lid on that pen, if you'd just sit and concentrate you'd get on a lot better etc) no encouragement, no interest in what he was actually doing.
It always seems to be this way, he never encourages them, never has small talk with them, at the dinner table everyone is to be quiet and eat their dinner. He's.very strict on how they talk, saying please and thank you is one of.the most important things to him although he doesn't always say it.himself!! 😂 The.kids are well.mannered and in school or at parties they always get glowing reports for their behaviour as it is but it's just like he can't relax and is always looking for a reason to criticise and tell them what to do. This is turn leads to me undermining him as I think he is unfair in his expectations or doesn't handle a situation very well (it's all do as I say because I said so) and so our relationship is on the rocks. I was ready to walk out months ago, he took it as a big surprise, wouldn't do counselling as there was nothing wrong and couldn't see what the issue was, he just didn't want the kids growing up to be cheeky.
I find myself counting the days until he goes back to work so that we can all relax again.
My main worry is that if I was to leave him that I wouldn't be comfortable with him having the kids on his own but at the same.time realise that would probably be difficult to enforce seeing as he isn't physically abusive and to the outside world he looks like the world's best husband and father. His family think the sun shines out of his *. They would be very surprised to hear we were separating. I have spoken to my family before and they notice his behaviour towards the kids too, esp Ds and think it's over the top too so I know its not just me.

Let's hope so. I don't see much positive parenting from him. But I don't think he'd disappear very quick as he'd want to keep up the pretence of being the doting father that he puts on in front of his family. Also, he has nothing other than us. No friends, no where to go. I will be thinking things through and possibly seek counselling in the meantime before I make a move.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, not by any means but I try my best by the kids and have always tried to keep everyone happy until I realised exactly what type of person I'd got myself married too! I feel sad that this is my children's dad and I do care for him but I can't continue like this.

Mealsdrop - I've actually said that to him in the past. Of course he denies it. He's almost robotic himself so probably doesn't see it being an issue.

It sounds like he needs to deal with serious issues from his own childhood, however, if he won't even acknowledge that he has a problem then you have zero chance of him changing. Perhaps is you say he has to leave or get counselling to deal with his issues and behaviour towards the children (and mean it) then he will see how serious you are. If he still won't go then it's a different kettle of fish as he will then know exactly what he has to do to possibly put things right and is refusing to do them. From what you have said about the pretending to be a fantastic father in front of others I find that very telling of his character. It sounds like he does know exactly what he is doing and hence he puts the play acting on in front of those he wants to impress.

You can give your children a normal environment. When he has them EOW or whatever, he won't have you there to fix his mistakes.

We all know that children aren't robots. He will either adapt his methods to ones that work or give up trying. In either case his ego is safe because you won't be present to see him changing approach, hence he's more likely to change when he's doing it solo.

Bonus is that he'll have to do all his own ironing all the time and you won't ever have to do it again.

I think he is a very damaged individual.

That said, I married a very damaged individual and my life was hell on earth. It is not your job to heal him, as it wasn't my job to heal my husband.

Ime [sexist comment coming up] you have to plant an idea with men and leave it to germinate. Re: make counselling a condition of your continuing marriage. He says you can walk if you want but imo that's just bluster.

I wouldn't be surprised if he does think he's a good dad. The man is so lost it's tragic. Another good reason for insisting on couples counselling is so he gets some input from a therapist which may impact his future parenting should you split.

Re his parenting, I do think you can make known through official channels your disquiet at him being left in sole charge of the kids should you split.

Who would I tell that I'm uneasy about him having the kids on his own? I don't think he would physically harm them so am unsure anyone would be concerned.

He made dinner last night (a combination of me working and him trying to get back into the good books) anyway the kids had meatballs with gravy and Yorkshire pudding. He wouldn't allow them gravy in their Yorkshires because they make a mess, so they both had them.dry on the side... Just a little thing but this is constant.
He called me over to watch a video on Fb (it.was just two cats doing a moonwalk impression) Ds went over to see before I got there and he wouldn't allow him to see it, telling him to go and sit down as he didn't invite him to see it, only.me. Ds for upset and ran to his room. I think that's totally unfair. When I pulled him up for it he made.out he hadn't watched the video so wasn't sure if the content was suitable - bullocks.

That's nasty and snide. I would keep a note off all these things though. My exh was like this- two of my three sons don't visit him now.

@wannabestressfree what ages were your boys when you left your exh? Yes that's a great idea, I will start taking things down, my head feels full of them but better to have it all written down. Although if challenged he'd just deny it I'm sure.

Does not sound ideal

But not having gravy in your Yorkshire pudding, as a toddler, is hardly awful.or cruel, now, is it? Just practical?

No.its not but they always get it from me and tbh they don't make a mess. It's just another way of exerting control from him I think. You normally get it but today I have decided you don't so don't question it just accept it.

I am not doubting that he is as you are describing. I do think you are interpreting everything in a negative light.

Nobody's parenting holds up under a magnifying glass

What is your DH like to you? What attracted you to him in the first place?

Oohhh, it's gonna be like death by a thousand paper cuts.
The best bit about yorkshires is the gravy that goes inside them.
He's an arse. But you need to decide what YOU want to do about it.

Good luck OP

I can't help relating to him bcs my dad sounds like his dad (iyswim) and it was only bcs of extensive therapy /parenting courses that I managed to address all that control that I was exhibiting eg when I was a teenager I took some disadvantaged kids camping (with an org!) and I was the sergeant major. It alarmed me - and everyone else - but I didn't know exactly what was wrong, just that something was wrong. Your husband sounds so damaged he has no self awareness about his behaviour, how off it is.

I would start with telling your gp so it's on record. You could start making it clear to your husband that his approach is faulty, actually abusive. He may kick off initially but, as I said, plant the idea and stand back.

Separate. There is no other way. Make it up as you go along. Chances are the kids will ultimately hate going to his place and it will gradually evolve that he has them less and less as a result.

There must be a factory churning these guys out cos I have a model too. He is a great husband, loving, affectionate, thoughtful but a shit dad imo. He isn't as joyless as your dh op but he just doesn't connect with the dc the way I do. We are together a long time now and in the early days I was always trying to smooth things over and would try and make it up to the dc, i was young and just didn't have the confidence to call him out on it. As the years gave gone by I have challenged him repeatedly on his behaviour and remarks as advised by a pp and he has improved. It sounds like your dh doesn't see the dc as people really, he needs to re-set his thinking if he wants to have a relationship with them, and with you. If he won't see the problem and work on it (maybe he can't see it) then you will all be better off without him.

It really isn't your job to fix this self-obsessed prick. Don't waste time on joint counselling, either: it won't work. He will just sulk or whine and insist that he is the victim and no one 'respects' him. It's honestly best just to get rid, as much as possible. His biggest problem is that he has no interest in anyone's POV other than his own: you and DC exist as props to his concept of himself as a Decent Normal Family Man.

Last time I was close to leaving he said I'd rubbished all he'd done for us the past 5 years. Just tried to put it all back on me and wallowed in self pity although he denied that too.
We have a big mortgage on our house and there's no way I'd be able to afford to keep it on so not sure what we will do.
Anyway he is away next week so that will give me time to explore our options for me and the kids.
And of course tonight he is trying to be really nice to everyone, in some ways it makes it worse knowing that he can make an effort, he just chooses not to most of the time.

@Jessie1980 my eldest was 10, ds2 was 7 and ds3 was 3. It was the best thing I ever did. He belittled, bullied and I still have issue with him now and the youngest is 13. I didn't run him down though- they just worked out what he was like for themselves!

Have you posted about home before OP? This sounds familiar?

I'm sorry but he sounds as if he is at best tolerating your children.

I had a DH like this... an earlier poster nailed it when they said joyless ... that was my experience. I did 13 years of it and although he was good looking & financially stable it didn't make up for the lack of laughter, fun or joy! He was largely indifferent to us, grumpy and critical. I am financially much worse off from the divorce but my God is it good to no longer walk around on eggshells!

My DS's do come home from their dads and are a bit off. I call this the 'detox' as tbh that's how he used to affect me... suck the joy from life. On the plus side, they are with me 90% of the time (his choice) so the happy times we have more than make up for it.

Conversely he seems to make much more of an effort with them now we are no longer together. He tries to tell me how he is different these days- not as moody, now cooks, drinks less (he used to do 10 cans of Stella a night easily before), and now exercises. I'm happy for him but not convinced he's changed at all!

You get one life. The nail in the coffin for me was a disastrous 10 day holiday where I realised I hadn't laughed once. I asked him what the problem was- did he not find me funny? His reply was that "he was laughing inside" 🙄

Current DP has me in stitches- I laugh and joke a lot with the DS's too. Life is too short to be with a killjoy in my opinion!

With ex DH we could go on some expensive days out but I'd never really enjoy them... think silent car journeys, meals, him telling DS's to behave constantly (let them be boys!). We all had to be on best behaviour always.

Writing this was cathartic... I'm so glad I don't have to do those days again

Oh and robotic was also how ex DH was. No emotion, did very little with us as a family too- the notion of working as a team is only something I've discovered since being with DP

@whyohwhy that sounds exactly like my life now! We went on holiday at the end of last year and I vowed never to go on holiday with him again! Even a.waiter told him to cheer up one evening when we were all out for a meal!

@turkaddin
Yes I did post a few months ago, things did improve for a bit, then.slipped, we had another chat and things improved for.a while and now this time he has.come.home, things were OK to start with and now have slipped again.

OP he sounds awful. Seriously awful. Please think about how you could remove you and your kids from him, (but always get legal advice before moving our). I am certain you and your kids would be better off emotionally and mentally away from him. Take care.