Think I've had enough of DH

[Jessie1980]

My husband isn't all bad, he provides financially, he will do any diy etc around the place but he isn't a great father imo although he portrays himself as being great with the kids around family etc.
Kids are 5 and 3, he seems to be nagging at them constantly. Ds 5 has just started school and when doing his homework (which was quite a task I thought, and thought he would need to do it over a few sittings) Dh kept telling him to 'pick up that pen you dropped, put a lid on that pen, if you'd just sit and concentrate you'd get on a lot better etc) no encouragement, no interest in what he was actually doing.
It always seems to be this way, he never encourages them, never has small talk with them, at the dinner table everyone is to be quiet and eat their dinner. He's.very strict on how they talk, saying please and thank you is one of.the most important things to him although he doesn't always say it.himself!! 😂 The.kids are well.mannered and in school or at parties they always get glowing reports for their behaviour as it is but it's just like he can't relax and is always looking for a reason to criticise and tell them what to do. This is turn leads to me undermining him as I think he is unfair in his expectations or doesn't handle a situation very well (it's all do as I say because I said so) and so our relationship is on the rocks. I was ready to walk out months ago, he took it as a big surprise, wouldn't do counselling as there was nothing wrong and couldn't see what the issue was, he just didn't want the kids growing up to be cheeky.
I find myself counting the days until he goes back to work so that we can all relax again.
My main worry is that if I was to leave him that I wouldn't be comfortable with him having the kids on his own but at the same.time realise that would probably be difficult to enforce seeing as he isn't physically abusive and to the outside world he looks like the world's best husband and father. His family think the sun shines out of his *. They would be very surprised to hear we were separating. I have spoken to my family before and they notice his behaviour towards the kids too, esp Ds and think it's over the top too so I know its not just me.

jessie1980 it was horrendous - I ended up befriending some fellow Brits and getting pissed as I was desperate to have someone to laugh with! Not my finest moment but god it was grim. He was very selfish too- thought nothing of going on work night outs the night before a holiday/ camping trip so I'd have to pack the car solo with toddlers to amuse. Then he'd be so hungover I'd do the driving through France to the caravan park 🙄

The only time he was vaguely human was when we were either having sex or he'd been drinking. Not ideal! Strange situation as I still found him physically attractive but I went off him due to his behaviour!

He also left me when DS2 was born for another women (sadly I later took him back) but that's a whole other story.

Took a further 6 years for me to see the light and us divorce. Hardest decision ever to split my family up but I honestly believe the kids have benefitted from it. They are happy, funny, well liked boys doing well in school and socially. Without doubt i dodged a bullet.. can you imagine retiring and co-existing in a house solely with him?

I even enjoy trips to the supermarket with DP who is the most relaxed guy ever. We can go anywhere and have a good time together. The DS's get on with him too. My DM recently asked DS1 what DP "brought to the household?"

DS1 replied "fun, humour and laughter"

Says it all!

Oh yes and ditto the occasional token gesture- showed he could choose to make an effort but in reality chose not to 99% of the time. I'd also get fabulous presents when we weren't together... as opposed to very little when we were.

He made no effort for birthdays yet knew I made a fuss of everyone else's. Housework, DIY, shopping, homework, washing, childcare, present buying, organising, cooking... everything was my domain despite me also working. He'd be irritated if I was ill and need support!

I remember once having a vomiting bug, literally on my hands & knees. DC were 4 & 2 at the time. He stepped over me to go to work 🙄

Yet from the outside world, I think people thought I was mad to refuse to move abroad to a glamorous country with him for his work. The thought of being isolated with him for company sent me into panic so me & DC didn't move with him. He's now back in UK and life has moved on. I'm so glad I got out when I did. Was the hardest decision ever.

There's very little you can do to stop (d)p having access to the children when you split, unless he's overtly abusive to them.

But they wouldn't have to live in it 24/7, and they'd live with you mainly and get to see what a normal loving family is, which protects them from the damage longer term.

He does sound ghastly, and utterly miserable to have to live with. Reminds me of that bit in the Sound of Music where the father calls all the children to line up in front of him with different whistles for each child!

Whyowhyiwhy
your ex and my Dh sounds like they could be related! Thanks for posting, it's good to hear from.someone who has been there, done something about it and is now living happily. Of.course the kids love him and are going to be upset if dad isn't going to be with us anymore but I suppose with them being used to him working away it hopefully won't be so much of a shock.

We had a tesco delivery last week and it was sad to think the delivery driver showed more interest in.the kids than their dad ever does! Speaking to them about their Halloween decorations they had been making and he asked DD if she wanted to sign the machine for mum, it's not much but it makes me sad that their own dad can't even try to connect with them like that.
We never argue but I've come to realise that's it's because he would rather bury his head in the sand than address an issue. He never admits he is wrong and lately we just don't talk about anything, unless it's something he's interested in. I've found myself speak to him and not get an answer so I either repeat myself or say hello? I'm talking to you and I get a grunt. Fed up of it all! I often find myself comparing him to other dad's we see out and about and I wish the kids had a fun dad they could muck about with.
My wee boy came home with a toy gun he got in a magazine. He hid on Dh and when he jumped out to 'shoot' him he was warned not to fire it at him, that he meant it and to put it away. When I asked what the problem was and was he scared of a little fun, he replied he didn't want to be bothered with it.
But it was OK for him to pick it up a few days later when Ds at school and try to get me with it?!

My dad was like your dh, very authoritarian and impatient with us, seemed to take very little pleasure in our existence at the time. He used to work away and I used to prefer it when he wasn't there as everyone was more relaxed.

But I didn't have a bad childhood as my mum was an amazing, devoted mother with an unending supply of love. All the fun stuff was done with my mum, my dad never participated. Actually as an adult I'm Alot closer to him now as he has mellowed and I as an adult understand him more (put his behaviour into the context of his very tough childhood etc).

If my parents had divorced I can't imagine he would have coped with having us alone, but as a child I would have hated the idea of that.

I don't have a solution, but I'm just saying I'm sure your love offsets Alot of his shortcomings.

@cluelessnewmum
Thank you, it's nice to hear you were overly affected growing up with a father like that.

Only thing is that in our house it's causing a major rift between us. It used to hurt me so much watching his manner towards the kids and how it woukd change as soon as he spoke to our dogs! He would speak in a nicer tone of voice to them than his own kids.
Anyway now it just gets me mad with him, especially the way he can turn it on when he wants to, ie in front of family. I don't think I would be able to carry on like this for good.

ExH used to be able to turn on the charm at weddings and parties. I used to say it was his 'fun time frankie' alter ego that me & the DC never saw!

Made me realise it was a choice for him to be so moody & indifferent towards us. Anything I wanted to do was always met with a million reasons why not. Exhausting.

Was like perpetually leading an old, grouchy donkey out on a walk! His saving grace was that he was very good looking. At the end of the day though it wasn't enough. I never felt that he ever 'had my back'.

Also, some men just don't cope well with being fathers to young children! His own dad used to ignore the DC until they reached a more civilised age and now takes a much greater interest in them. He openly admits he finds young children boring.

Sorry OP. It sounds like he feels that you forced him into having children and he didn't want them. My sisters husband was like this with their DD. He has gotten so much better now their DD is older, he sees her as a proper person not an annoying child. To be honest I wouldn't leave the marriage as he will probably improve when the children are older and not underfoot so much. He will love it when they leave home.

But if I stay I have years of this ahead. Days out are horrible, holidays are awful and as someone called him, he does such the fun out of everything. I have contacted a local counselling service so at least have set that ball in motion. Everything is much more complicated when you have a mortgage and children!

My friends exH is also like this... we call them the Dementors 😂

My XH sounds very similar, though probably further along the EA spectrum and as we continued to butt heads over his attitude for years and years, he became more and more horrible to me too.

Him having access to the kids alone was a big factor in my decision to keep trying to fix things - which in hindsight was futile and caused more damage! - until the kids were of a reasonable age where I felt they could cope with him better.

By that I mean, they were old enough to be able to judge him and his behaviour for what it is, stand up for themselves, seek help if needed and ultimately a court would listen to them if they didn't want to live with their father anymore.

So I ploughed on until the youngest was not far from turning 12, then bailed out. I can't even begin to describe how heavenly my home life is without him in it! And so far it's given him the kick up the arse he needed to be a better father and the kids are happy to keep going to him.

I understand how soul destroying it is to live with someone like this and hope you can find a way out that works for you.

green I suspect you don't live with on earth this man then.
I do and this th read has been an eye opener because I have done what you say, hope it will get better as the dcs get older, remind myself that not everyone is good with children etc

My dcs are now teens and it has been extremely hard work. It has changed who I am as a person. Fun and laughter are rarely present in the house.

Do you reall think it's good for the dcs?
As for myself, the stress it put me under (both from the lack of communication, the selfishness and the general moodiness) made me physically ill (as I developped an deliberating chronic illness).

OP please don't do what I did.
You've opened your eyes to whatbis going on much earlier on than me. Ive tried too much to find excuses for him.
Believe what you're u see and what he does.

Jessie

Is this counselling for yourself only?.

Its is hard to leave regardless of marriage and children but staying with your H is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. Such men do not change and he is indeed very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing (loads of red flags there). He has simply carried over those lessons into your lives now.

I guess you hoped that he would change as your relationship progressed into marriage and or children coming into being. That was never going to happen. You can only help your own self here, not him. I also doubt very much that he would be much of a father figure to his children as well post separation too.

Dysfunction is also not an excuse. My DP was raised by a violent alcoholic father and mentally ill DM. He was regularly beaten and he suffered the ultimate abusive childhood. (Think childhood pets being thrown off balconies )

He step-parents my boys on the basis of doing everything as opposite as he can to how his own DF behaved. He is the kindest, funniest and most caring man I've ever met with the exception of my own DF!

ExH's DF was indifferent, cold and selfish... much like ExDH!

Everythingwillbegreat – yes it is very wearing and never imagined family life being like this, I’ve had it out with him after making excuses since the kids were born. He told me he ‘didn’t do babies’, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as lots of men find babies daunting but now they are 5 and 3, they aren’t babies anymore and it didn’t really change. He used to call DD (3) ‘it’ until I had it out with him. It was earlier this year that I opened my eyes to it all after much research online trying to figure him out.
I actually had a parents meeting with DS teacher yesterday as he just started school since 6 weeks ago. His teacher was full of praise, saying he is so mannerly and if the whole class sat as well as he did they would all get so much more done. I told her she should try telling his father that as he thinks the opposite! And I let DH know when I got home too, he asked why I told her that and seemed a little embarrassed by it. I thought, I’m not keeping your behaviour secret anymore, why should i?!
AttilaTheMeerkat - yes the counselling is just for me, he refused to consider counselling before, he’d rather separate. I haven’t told him I’m going yet, probably will later before kids get home. He’s out just now and I should be getting on with work but I’m so distracted with all this and how it’s going to work out. I did hope things would get better. I suppose when it was just us it wasn’t so noticeable. Yes he is like his father in many ways but his father had a fun side too, he doesn’t. He also drinks everynight he is home, not getting drunk every night but has to have at least 4 beers.

Whyowhyiwhy – I agree also that dysfunction is not an excuse. DH has the utmost respect for his DF so thinks his upbringing was fine. Not very much respect for his DM as she liked a drink and split with his DF when he was a teen, she had an affair so he resents her for that. I also notice on his DM side, his gran has been known to make snidey comments at the kids which has always got my back up, he has never said anything, again, he keeps his gran high up on a pedestal, she can do no wrong in his eyes and he is the same in her eyes…

Jessie that amount of drinking every night rungs alarm bells for me. Probably alcoholic, and that much alcohol would make many people depressed and grumpy. Not saying it's an excuse, but part of the picture and I can't imagine alcoholism makes for good husbands and fathers. Feel for you.

He drinking at least 4 beers every night is not good at all; that is alcohol dependency right there. He does not appear drunk to you because he has likely developed a high tolerance to it. Alcoholism can be learnt behaviour and he likely learnt this from his mother, a person who he himself despises. Dysfunction is most certainly not an excuse. Many people do have crap childhoods and choose not act as your H has done towards you and these children. He has really taken the low road here.

I am glad that the counselling is for you solely because you need to be able to talk freely in both a calm and safe environment.

Jessie I just RTFT, and your husband's behaviour makes me so sad for you and your kids. Aside from all the controlling - calling your little daughter 'it'! That says it all to me.

It sounds as if he went along with having babies for societal reasons or to please you. Now he's acting like a spoiled older sibling who doesn't want to share you with the new kids. (Not letting your son watch the YouTube video for example, because he just wanted you to see it). That's not family behaviour.

I never say LTB, but he's not going to become a better dad without counselling. And he's not going to do that unless you're prepared to leave him. Being a mum is hard enough without you having to undo all his shit parenting as you go along.

colouringinagain I dont think he is an alcoholic as such tbh but i think he could go that way, he works away for long periods and has no access to alcohol. He says he just 'enjoys a beer' but i have noticed that he likes to have an excuse to drink more than that, ie if we have anyone over for an occasion, he is usually last one standing.

I did also hear that from an ex-colleague of his, that when theyd be out for a few drinks, everyone would go home and he would go home and drink a bottle of red wine by himself. That did worry me, and i see the tendancy is there. Oh and you can imagine how he tolerates the kids with a hangover! He doesnt do it often though.

@Lemond1fficult you are right, being a mum is difficult enough as well as starting my own business a couple of years ago. I'm juggling so many balls and his behaviour on top of all this is getting too much to cope with.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - i'm dreading the counselling in a way, i think i may just crumple...

By the sound of things, you're a brilliant Mum. Just think how much easier it'll be without walking on eggshells every 4 weeks.

If it helps, I went to counselling for ongoing family issues recently. I cried through the first couple of sessions, but I found insights and new strengths I didn't know were in me. You need to work hard and not hold back, but it could give you the resolve you need to either fix it or walk away. (And schedule an hour after away from the kids if you can, to pull yourself back together).

You say that his mum had an affair when he was young and separated from his DF (whom he hero worships). I suspect his DM was probably a lovely young woman who married a man who sucked the joy out of life, just as your DH does, and ruled his DS with a rod of iron, so she maybe turned to drink to cope. Then possibly had an affair and realised she couldn't go on living a joyless existence with a man like her DH.

Of course DF would have played it as "I am the perfect husband and brought our DS up to be well behaved and respectful and terrible hussy DW drinks and had an affair, she is the terrible one". Also no doubt telling his upset teenage son that it is all his DM's fault.

Do you want this to be you, when your DC are older and you have finally taken as much as you can take?

tinty that is exactly the story my ex FIL peddles! They are still together, they do nothing together, holiday separately as she hates his company. She still drinks and declares that he has ruined her life and she can't wait til he dies. She's had another man on the side now for at least 25 years and in his time he's had other women too (and secret children!) This was another inclination for me to leave. I did not want to become his mother. And we were easily recreating his family dynamic

@tinty I definately do not want to be like his mother was/is. But to be fair she has a lot of faults too, she is a very selfish individual and she did a lot of unfair things to her kids while growing up that has led to each of them having little time for her now. She is no angel but I can see your point too!

I've informed Dh that I've arranged counselling. His response was 'what for?' told him it's for the same situation in our family that we always seem to come back to. He doesn't understand, says he only tells the kids off when he feels they need it and denies the instances I gave him about his behaviour towards them saying I got it wrong end of the stick (trying to lie his was out of it as I saw and heard everything)