Dilemma

[Starlet1]

Hi am am 60 with two children, both grown up.
I have lived on my own for a long time now and I am happy. I am busy and have a lot of friends. I was in a relationship which ended 18 months ago and I haven't dated since then until recently. I wanted to learn to love and appreciate myself and to enjoy being on my own. I am retired but I have part time work and do voluntary work, go to the gym and sing in a choir and see friends ,I go away on holidays and short breaks on my own.
I met a man a few weeks ago and I have been on a few dates with him, I like his company. I don't find him sexually attractive yet, but then again I have always gone for men who were bad characters, so I see this as a good thing. He is a normal bloke, intelligent and sensitive.
I am OK for money, not well off but Ok.He was a lecturer but when he retired he went back to university , and he doesn't have any money, just his pension and some benefits. He doesn't drive and he doesn't have a passport. He does have 10 children from ages 5 to mid 30's. I don't mind going Dutch when we go out but my ex took me for granted as far as money was concerned and I am wary now.
I have dropped him off at his house and he said that he is too embarrassed to let me in, and from the outside I can see why, it's a wreck.totally falling down and not looked after.I don't want to go in!!. Last night for the first time I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. This morning he apologised because he had left a "skid mark" on my sheets. When I looked later it was much more than a skid mark, it was disgusting and I had to wash the sheets and the mattress topper cover. All this is extra work for me. We shared a bottle of wine but he spilt his glass all over my sofa, my cushion and my new solid oak coffee table. I calmly cleared the mess up and put everything to soak. But I am disabled and it has taken me all day washing and cleaning to put everything right.
I have worked hard for everything I have and I love my home, I feel that it has been disrespected although I do understand that accidents happen.
He is very keen on me and he is a gentle man, with good morals , goes to church etc but I can't put up with a 63 year old who acts like a younger student and who dresses like one.
I just don't know what to do. I cannot ask somebody to change, but he would have to. I feel such a snob. What would you think and do?

Thank you. He doesn't drive or have a passport, and he has all these children and he is not respectful of me or my belongings, I thought he was a nice person but it just goes to show doesn't it . I sat listening to him telling me all this and alarm bells were ringing loud and clear! We are just not compatible, I go away ( on my own) several times a year, go to London a lot to visit friends, I have a good life.
I think he is very lonely but that's not my problem is it.

I suppose both issue the poo and the drink could have been accidents. I would say the poo issue would point at some sort of health problem. However, he didn't seem that embarrassed which would kind of make me think he just didn't care about these things and therefore didn't have a lot of respect for you or your home.

The 10 children would put me off too as it points at someone who doesn't take responsibility especially as none are living with him and he doesn't even have a house in a good enough state for a child to stay in! Imagine if a mother behaved like that?!

She has behaved like that, she went off with another bloke and spread the children among various relatives and has another baby now!! Wonder why he didn't keep the kids???????? Lucky escape for me!!!!
No he wasn't embarrassed and as I have a disability it took me the full day to sort all the mess out. Normally somebody helps me with bed changing and so on. I was disgusted. Yes anybody can have an accident (???) But you don't leave it for somebody else to clear up!!! 🤢

No that's totally disrespectful of you, your home and your time.
Anyone can have an accident but you'd be mortified and get the bedding in the wash asap before it was seen, not blithely stroll off leaving your new beau to scrape up!

to be honest OP... it was his response to the 'accident' or rather lack of response to this accident on your bed that has shaken the your faith on anything developing ...

your doing great Lady.. you established pretty quickly that this man is not for you.. you sound like a lovely woman .. you will find someone who treasures your time

You do sound a bit judgemental OP sorry. Like he ain't good enough for your dad and son to meet, and you HAD to mention their super professional careers too. You are going to struggle to rid yourself of being single with your attitude to be honest. But hey, it's your right to be fussy and judgemental.

That said, the story about him leaving shit all over your bed linen made me feel queasy. He could have discovered a cure for cancer and I would never see him again. That's just foul. Can he not wipe his fucking shitty arse properly? Fucking hell!

Yes, I am being judgemental. Do you want to hear what my super professional career is too???
Single? I am happy being single. I have a lovely home , lots of holidays, brand new car. What else would you like to hear?
I met this man a few weeks ago, went out with a few times and he walked me home the other night. I asked him in. And that was my mistake.
I am not ever again going to put up with excrement on my bed linen. How quesy do you think I felt seeing it even on my bed topper?
So, thank you but I would rather stay single than out up with this again. Oh and by the way he is now stalking me, 20 emails so far today.

Exactly.

Look, I agree, a person who cannot even while their own behind , who is not ill or disabled ,is NOT the right man for me and therefore not the right man to meet my family. They would be totally appalled. And he spilt red wine everywhere and was going to leave it ! That is totally disrespectful and if he does these things on the first time I invite him into my home what else would happen. Shudder!
I'll carry on setting myself high standards I think. And as I adore my family he has to be somebody who would fit in. Do you understand what I am saying?

These are exactly my thoughts. Thank you.

Starlet1 you are ENTITLED to be judgmental... I wouldn't introduce him to anyone in my family either.. WTF

He's not the right man for you, me or anyone else in this World 🤢

Don't listen to the unrealistic posters trying to make you feel guilty for having standard. Let them take care of him if they want him. Doubt they would though 🙄

100% agree with Gemini. You SHOULD be judgemental. The easiest way to make oneself miserable in a relationship is to pair up with a man who you don't feel, instantly, that you match with. And of course that includes things like living habits, cleanliness, career orientation, and so on.

And this -
You are going to struggle to rid yourself of being single with your attitude to be honest.

WTAF?
I remain stunned that women, in all seriousness, will advise other women to demand as close to nothing as possible of prospective partner.

Is it an "attitude problem" that the OP feels grossed out by this man's living quarters? Should she gratefully receive a man with TEN children because to do otherwise is "judgemental"? Is that really what we should think of each other?

And who needs to "rid" themselves of being single anyway? What an absolutely dreadful sentence.

Thank you.

Thank you. 😊

SNOB!!!

Thank you. I have felt cross at some comments. I have put up with things in the past that I shouldn't have so I'm not going down that route again.
I like being single, but I am open to the RIGHT relationship. I quite liked this guy but when I saw the outside of his house which is partly boarded up and heard about his ten children alarm bells rang. When he came into my home and left me with all that mess I was terribly upset. I quite liked him too until I found out that he is obsessional - he sees more into the " relationship" than there can be after just a handful of dates. He wants somebody to make him happy, I tried to tell him that happiness comes from within but he wouldn't have it. As I type this, another 4 emails from him have arrived, that's 30 today. I am not responsible for his happiness. How on earth do I get rid of him!
We are all different and if I ever meet anybody he would have to have similar values and love similar things. This man has nothing to offer sadly. I do feel sorry for him, maybe that's why I asked him in, but that is the wrong reason to continue to see somebody.

You can have him then and put up with excrement on your bedding and you can have my MS too and struggle to wash and change the same bed. What a nasty thing to say. I just deserve better and I am surprised that you said that. All you are doing is trying to get a reaction, well you have . Thank you for your comment it made me realise that I am correct. 😀

Shit the sheets OP. LITERALLY

Beware and don't fall back!! I was single for 6 years and dated a bloke who seemed like a lovely man. His house was a mess and he was a bit of a dirty git but I overlooked it because I enjoyed having some company thinking some was better than none! Deep down I knew it wouldn't work and he wasn't for me and I too was embaressed to introduce him to the family (he didn't even shit the bed!!) I tried to ditch him a few times and had the txt messages etc telling me how much he missed me blah blah blah and kept meeting up with him and then regretting it for almost a year!!!!! I then found him on an Internet dating site which basically was the last straw. Ditch him and feel proud. You are worth more. If your heart says no your mind should follow......albeit a little while later but listen to what your body tells you. As it goes I have now met someone else, have a baby on the way and I'm engaged. Don't settle for a deadbeat.......better things WILL come xxxxx

And to get rid you ignore....block....ignore...ignore...ignore.... he will get the message eventually... and then IGNORE some more... good luck. Xx

Thank you. I agree. I am horrified at some of the comments on here! Very best wishes to you. Xxx

People have a point of view and will give it to you regardless of whether it's nasty or nice! Take what you want and scroll past what you don't! Either way if you put it on here you already know the answer you are looking for! X

It must really hurt some people. I am appalled, people come on here because they want opinions, they have generally made up their minds, To debate the rights and wrongs is fine, but insulting another person on here is awful!

It is awful Starlet but you have to have a tough shell to post for advice on here - well on any internet forum.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing, and this barrage of emails is just proving that you are right. Getting too serious too soon is always quoted as a red flag. I presume you have asked him not to email you - have you blocked him? (Not that I can work out how to do this on my email, but still, you might be more tech savvy).

Otherwise, just keep repeating "Sorry, this isn't working for me, please stop contacting me."

I am 62 and single and find that men my age generally want someone at least 10 years younger - and I don't fancy going out with someone in their mid-seventies, so not much luck. (Not that I am trying very hard.) You seem to have a full and happy life - just enjoy it.