Dilemma

[Starlet1]

Hi am am 60 with two children, both grown up.
I have lived on my own for a long time now and I am happy. I am busy and have a lot of friends. I was in a relationship which ended 18 months ago and I haven't dated since then until recently. I wanted to learn to love and appreciate myself and to enjoy being on my own. I am retired but I have part time work and do voluntary work, go to the gym and sing in a choir and see friends ,I go away on holidays and short breaks on my own.
I met a man a few weeks ago and I have been on a few dates with him, I like his company. I don't find him sexually attractive yet, but then again I have always gone for men who were bad characters, so I see this as a good thing. He is a normal bloke, intelligent and sensitive.
I am OK for money, not well off but Ok.He was a lecturer but when he retired he went back to university , and he doesn't have any money, just his pension and some benefits. He doesn't drive and he doesn't have a passport. He does have 10 children from ages 5 to mid 30's. I don't mind going Dutch when we go out but my ex took me for granted as far as money was concerned and I am wary now.
I have dropped him off at his house and he said that he is too embarrassed to let me in, and from the outside I can see why, it's a wreck.totally falling down and not looked after.I don't want to go in!!. Last night for the first time I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. This morning he apologised because he had left a "skid mark" on my sheets. When I looked later it was much more than a skid mark, it was disgusting and I had to wash the sheets and the mattress topper cover. All this is extra work for me. We shared a bottle of wine but he spilt his glass all over my sofa, my cushion and my new solid oak coffee table. I calmly cleared the mess up and put everything to soak. But I am disabled and it has taken me all day washing and cleaning to put everything right.
I have worked hard for everything I have and I love my home, I feel that it has been disrespected although I do understand that accidents happen.
He is very keen on me and he is a gentle man, with good morals , goes to church etc but I can't put up with a 63 year old who acts like a younger student and who dresses like one.
I just don't know what to do. I cannot ask somebody to change, but he would have to. I feel such a snob. What would you think and do?

That's exactly what I am going to do, what he did was gross, especially first time in somebody's home .maybe he has a problem, but he should have dealt with it himself

Thank you. Agree 😃

I didn't find that out until last night either!

Thank you for your advice. Have taken it. I was shocked at everything and couldn't think straight. , I Knew I would get sound advice from all points of view on here so thank you everyone.

I was referring to the comment being judgmental, not what you have achieved in Your life. Your son a surgeon, father a vicor so (in your opinion) of course they would look down on this man?
You wouldn't introduce him, why?

10 children?

Yes you are quite right. Apologies.

So he is having kids he can't afford to support, lives in filth and shat your bed, leaving you to clean it up? Run, OP, as fast as you can!

Run like the wind. This man is not something you need right now.

Get out while you can !! you could do so much better then him

your not a Nurse OP... your not his Carer... your only just new in his life... you deserve WAY better than this... NOT so lovely man..who thinks nothing of leaving SHITE on your bedding ... this is quite probably the worst thing I ever heard OP... please end this Lady

That's about the size of it yes. I know people can be down in their luck but feel that there is no excuse for this. I only found out about the children when he was here, and yes the outside of his home was enough to show me that he does live in filth. He is a glass half empty person too and quite frankly I can do without that sort of negativity . I was shocked at the disrespect to me and my property. And if some people think I'm a snob then so be it, my family wouldn't like him thats for sure and it's not on having to wash your bedding because he can't clean himself properly .(or whatever caused it)

I am so glad to be single.

My son and father are caring people, they wouldn't like him because he doesn't appear to care for his 10 children who, he tells me live with various relatives , so they are all split up and don't even live with a their parents,( mother married again and has a new child now). he gets to see the youngest aged 5 and 7 only once a month for an hour, that rings alarm bells am afraid. I only found this out last night . And they would be appalled at what I had to clean . As I am actually.

Yes me too

your not a SNOB OP.. and I'd challenge anybody to accept this as normal and acceptable behaviour ... you have Standards .. we all do.. and credit to you for maintaining a dignified silent cleansing of your BED FFS ?! good grief.. I'd stuggle to ever be in this mans company again Lady.. good manners and respect he clearly has none of ...
please.. end this appalling situation Lady ..

Thank you. I appreciate your comment. Don't you worry, I do have standards,and he breached them big style. (What's his own house like ,,, shudder)

For fuck's sake, you're not a snob. Wanting a boyfriend who keeps up his house and refrains from shitting in your bed is not too much to ask for.

Thank you. I believe that to be true too. There's nothing wrong with having self respect.

I once worked on a hotel recention and we had a lot of businessmen stay. One chap would stay once a week for months and months while on business.

He was quite clearly an alcoholic and would leave an empty bottle of scotch in the room bin every morning, he had also shit the bed every time he stayed. I always assumed it was because of the effects of the scotch on his internals.

Given the state of this man's house and his incontinence, could it be possible he has a similar issue with drink?

I had never thought of that. It could be, 🤔🤔🤔. There must be a reason why his wife walked out, there is always two sides.

but I'm not going to find out . 🔔🚨🔔

I would have thrown the whole bed away.

Good grief.

😩

Thank you for all your responses.
I am not disappointed that my first venture back into the dating world didn't work out. I feel confident that a) I'm doing fine on my own b) if I do meet somebody we have to complement each other.
Somebody said I am not his carer, yes you are right I am not and somebody else said they would have thrown the bed away. I tell you, I would have if I could!
So thank you, I learned a lot from you all.
I told him I don't want to see him again, and now he's bombarding me with calls and emails which I am not responding to. He's a bit too intense for somebody I have only been out with a few times!
💮🌼🌸

He's nowhere near good enough and you owe him nothing. Tell him if he contacts you again you will consider it harassment and will report him to the police.