Please be honest: do you care if your other half has money

[Sunnyindisposition]

Male DF is around 40. Had a heart to heart recently. He's a single guy, good looking kind and intelligent. He told me he is really worried women won't be attracted to him because he doesn't have (by London standards) tons of money. He earns £60K & has a nice house in zone 5. He has this fixation that women in his social class mostly earn more than he does and wI'll write him off. I tried to tell him they won't, please add your contributions either way.

In my circle the partner's salary has never been an issue.

I know a lot of successful women though and live in a trendyish place and have many friends who earn quite a bit more than their male partners.

We all seem to have gone for looks, fitness levels, fun factor, kindness and sociability in our men!

It also sounds like (though I don't know if this is something you can say to him!) there is the possibility of sexual shame here, something really deep-rooted from childhood? Could be something for him to follow up.

So OP what do you think he would do if a nice woman, who he found attractive, approached him and asked him to go for a drink with her? As he gives off no encouraging signals it would probably take a fairly confident woman to do that, but just say that she did. Do you think he'd be flattered, pleased or something else?

Juneau I think he would be delighted but very surprised if someone asked him out in a date. He doesn't really see his attractive characteristics. He told my DP who then told me that he was worried if I told our now former colleague that he was attracted to her that he'd be fired for sexual harassment even though she'd already left and they'd only ever spoken socially and without any apparent problems. I'm interested in his psychology. My own DP was very diffident when we met and I had to practically drag it out of him that he fancied me. But it certainly wasn't on a scale like this.

Interesting! Some people are just really socially inept and it sounds like your friend is one of them. TBH I think he'd really benefit from a session or two with a relationship coach, just so he can understand the image he's projecting to others and how to have more open body language. We all make very quick judgements about other people and whether they're interested in us or not. His body language sounds very closed, even defensive, so if he wants to attract someone and would be open to being approached then he needs to project that. The other thing he needs to work on, clearly, is being able to approach women himself. It's all very well sitting there looking handsome, but his chances of meeting someone will improve a lot if he's proactive in that search.

It doesn't sound like his salary has anything to do with why he can't find a partner. I've dated men with very average incomes, men who were multi millionaires and everything in between, and it rarely came up until I'd actually dated them a while. I dated their values, ambition, personality and physical chemistry, by which point their income was reasonably irrelevant.

A woman on a first date with him is going to find it hard work if he's so self conscious that he can barely make eye contact and doesn't give off any indication of whether or not he actually fancies or likes her: women will assume he just isn't interested. I'll be honest: from your description he sounds like someone who, in a relationship, would be quite needy and require a good deal of reassurance from his partner. I wouldn't find that an attractive proposition.

I used to have a friend who was very like your friend, right down to the "ecclesiastical" quietness and precision. He had similar problems with dating and letting women know he was interested. He took up amateur stand-up comedy as a hobby and is a different man nowadays, it's been amazing for his confidence, ability to express himself and ability to approach women without worrying they'll reject him or think he's being sleazy.

I've met guys like this who for example had been to all boy schools and then as you say worked in male environments. Then they are quite gentle quiet souls and they lack that real drive to get a partner. As you say can be lovely friends etc. I know one who is too easy to walk all over and that lack of self belief causes women to be less interested too.

It is a problem as I think women instinctively feel that lack of desire and react to it.

He does need to change something if he wants a different outcome. He almost needs a relationship coach. Would your DP do it?