Please be honest: do you care if your other half has money

[Sunnyindisposition]

Male DF is around 40. Had a heart to heart recently. He's a single guy, good looking kind and intelligent. He told me he is really worried women won't be attracted to him because he doesn't have (by London standards) tons of money. He earns £60K & has a nice house in zone 5. He has this fixation that women in his social class mostly earn more than he does and wI'll write him off. I tried to tell him they won't, please add your contributions either way.

I want to take gender out of this, personally I only ever dated people with ambition that matched my own. Now you can be as ambitious and hardworking as you like but may still end up pretty poor due to circumstances.

Is he perchance boring? What interests does he have and what does he do with his spare time. I have met women and men that make the only goal in their lives finding a partner and it preoccupies them and in doing so they forget to live their lives fully.

So on a date he could say he has a house and a job and wants to settle down and likes dc, but what does he like? Because if I had gone on a date with someone who didn't talk about anything but potential domestic bliss and their bank balance I would have been bored to tears. On my first date with DH we talked about the recent Welsh referendum, his scuba diving, the American civil war, my love of hill walking, weird stuff we had eaten, him sleeping on a park bench in Beijing when a student and my political activism. I'm sure some of those subjects may not be to some people's liking but talking about experiences and suubjects people have a passion for make a person.

It's not the lack of confidence itself, but I would be worried that his comments betrayed a tendency to self-pity and it's-not-my-fault-ism.

It must be very hard to live your life with a partner whose default approach is no-point-in-trying-the-odds-are-stacked-against-me.

It's something we all may feel from time to time, but most of us know how unattractive it is and try to keep it to ourselves.

I think what many women mean when they say confidence is attractive is they are subconsciously trying to gauge "What will this man be like in the long run, when life gets tough and there is nothing but our own grit and determination that can pull us through? Will he mope? Will he blame it on me? Or will he be the one who puts a cheerful face on and gives me the strength to do the same?"

What he does with his money is more important to me than how much he has. I couldn't be with a stingy partner.

When I got together with my now dh, I earned more than him, owned my home, and he lived in an HMO. But he is kind and generous, with his time as well as his money, and that's what matters.

I would care about whether someone managed a solvent and well budgetted life. A high earner who wasted money like mad, ran up big debts would be as off putting as someone who sat on their arse and used a credit card and had rent arrears and no proper plan.

An easy relaxed reciprocal generosity, values that match mine: I am put off by 'status spending ' and a focus on material possessions to show off.

I am attracted to people who are passionate about or committed to their work even if it has a v low salary. If it is realistic, e.g not artists or musicians who earn not a penny and never will, and won't consider additional work.

Sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder and trying to find a reason he is single. And focusing on the wrong one. The issue is not his earnings. How would someone even know what he earns, does he hand out his salary statements on first date?

What does he mean women in his social class? That sounds like he has a class issue, would he only date women he sees as in his " social class" ? What does he perceive that to be? High earning women?

When I met DP I owned my house outright but had no other assets and was on a very low income, he didn’t have assets and was on a low income. Didn’t matter a jot to either of us. Our financial situation has improved a lot in the last year or so, but money isn’t important other than it takes stress away and means we have choices in food, holidays, nice things. (Well, well under 60k though)

"I'd be put off him, honestly, for his attitude of not thinking that £60K isn't much money"

This ^^

Honestly. I knew I wanted kids and I wanted a few years at home with them. I did reject men who couldn't have facilitated that with a decent standard of living similar to what I was used to.
It depends on how far 60k in London goes and it depends on the people/women he associates with.

That sounds bad. I did have assets to bring to the table too.

Well there ARE women who are fixated on money and I don't feel I'm letting the sisterhood down by saying that. There are shallow, venal people of both sexes.

TBH though it sounds as if his problems are more social than anything else. He spent the years that most of us spend dating, flirting and partying doing something else, and he's worked in a male-dominated career ever since. He's shy and awkward around women and doesn't pick up on their signals. These are the real issues here, not his money or lack thereof.

Not even remotely. DP was literally homeless when we met - for a few weeks he didn't even own shoes. He out-earns me now and spoils me rotten at every opportunity. I love him the same either way.

DH and I live/work in London and he's earning a shitload more than either of us!

And heaven forfend he should date below his social class.

It's unpleasant if he thinks all women, or the majority, would be put off by his income level. It's odd that he would make such a sweeping generalisation.

It would be very helpful if @Sunnyindisposition could explain the "social class" comment, as this seems to have been ignored so far.

I earn my own money and I spend, save and invest for now and the future

My friends and family do not know what my income is

When starting new relationships we have enjoyed doing things together, having fun, talking, laughter, planning to do things, good communication. This has been the foundation.

What sort of future is your friend looking for ?
Is he a spender or a saver ?
Is he expecting to start a family ?
Is he expecting to be in control of family money in the future ?

Where does he get his ideas about money from in relation to women ?

That's reasonably well off, no? About what i have in income and bousehouse location and I think I'm really lucky!

The social class thing were my words not his and actually they were wrong. He meant I think people with the same educational background as him which is university degree plus professional qualification. I've maybe ham-fistedly made him sound bad but he's not. He is lovely and handsome and lots of women fancy him but he is just clueless responding to signals.

I'm not remotely interested in how much money my current bf has, however my last relationship ended because he had absolutely nothing and wanted what little I had (not much, but more than him). However, I was brought up in a poor household and learned at a young age that money doesn't buy happiness. It's nice if the relationship is more or less equal I think, then nobody feels like the "poor relation". And as other posters have commented £60k not much?? I currently survive on one quarter of that! I make ends meet somehow, though probably because I don't need material things to be happy.

Perhaps if he is surrounded by people with high earning careers at a stage in life when most people's career paths are pretty set and differences in incomes are ramping up he feels a bit insecure about it (although £60k is a good income clearly). That said I very much doubt it has anything to do with his single status. If all women were holding out for men with big salaries there would be a lot of single women out there....

To answer your OP - would it matter to me if a man had money? I would think very hard before hitching my wagon to a man with low income with no prospect of change (and £60k does not fit in that category). That said I would do the same regarding anyone very wealthy if I felt that would make me lose control over my life. Both have massive implications for your and your family's life. But beyond that - it wouldn't stop me if I fell for them. As others have said their attitude, ambition and drive is more relevant than their top line salary. butbits nice if that comes with a good income. Makes life easier.

When I met DH we were both penniless brand new graduates although his family are rich but I had no idea until after we were already dating.

He is hardworking, kind and supportive. Plus he makes me laugh and carried me down a volcano when I twisted my ankle. A love of shared things and similar values are I think more important than money by itself.

I think women who would immediately write him off solely because he 'only' earns 60K without getting to know him first probably aren't the sort of people a decent, nice guy wants to me. But I think that age is a tricky age. Many women, even in London, have a long-term partner/marriage by 40, but they aren't necessarily old enough yet to be divorcing and back to dating. It's likely he's dealing with a small pool of available women (some of whom frankly might be single for good reasons - because they are foolishly picky, or have hang ups about things like money, or just suck at relationships).

I also have a really lovely friend, who is a bit older than that now (mid 40s), and single. He also really struggled with why women didn't seem that into him. He is really nice, though not 'hot' by traditional standards (I would class him more as geeky), but not unattractive either. His problem unfortunately was that he generally was attracted to women in their 20s, which was totally the wrong demographic for him. Girls in their 20s aren't interested in financially stable, homeowning men in their 40s unless they are rich and hot (he was certainly not 'rich' though had a good career and a nice home, definitely wasn't 'hot'). Unfortunately, he lost a lot of time chasing the wrong thing at the wrong time. And when he did meet women his own age, I think he was a bit awkward about it and sent weird signals and like you said didn't pick up on the right ones. I think if he could have gotten to know people a bit better before dating them, he wouldn't have been so awkward, but he did a lot of online dating and it was like date after date after date, and none of them really gave him a chance (probably because they were also in their 40s and a bit awkward like he was).

But no, I don't think most women would be turned off by a man with a career and a 60K salary (even in London, in my field that would be pretty good) and his own home. I think most wouldn't want some slacker who would expect to be financially supported by them. I expect it's more a matter of how he is around women and also frankly the pool of women is getting a bit smaller in your 40s, so it's just harder.

I wonder if your friend was basically expecting to "buy" a woman at thus stage of his life and basically can't be fucked with all the compromises and slight disappointments and social niceties that are involved in "putting yourself out there".

Expecting a woman to do ALL the work (maybe that's what he means about salary - some women will chase/throw themselves at footballers, so he wants women to chase/throw themselves at him in the same way without having to display any interest himself)

I mean yes he was living with his mother, but unless she needed 24/7 care, was he even going out and doing all the groundwork that helps build social skills?

London has literally millions of opportunities to meet new people/ take up interests/gain social skills and dating experience.

If you want to date acrobats who practice zen Buddhism who only want to meet for coffee, you'll find them in London (and in a meetup group too). If you only have time to meet mixed group of people for coffee on a Friday night you can do that. Sure it's more emotionally "risky" and challenging than impressing mates kids, but that's adulting for you.

He just comes across as lacking in self-esteem (and whiny with his ideas about salary). And this "type" is impossible to date, because they have this controlling victim mentality which means the other party feels they have to pander to them all the time.

As long as he is ambitious and hard-working (so similar work ethic to me) then that is the main thing.

I earn a bit below 6 figures, my partner earns significantly more than that but I have dated guys who earned less than me - I didn't care, but a couple of them really did and it was that which caused the issue.

Interesting thread.

Clearly money is a red herring. A homeowner in London on £60k isn't likely to deter anyone.

Like pp, I would guess there are other bars to intimacy going on (confidence, gay?). Or he's one of those annoying 40 year old London men chasing 20-something women, in which case yes, he'll need to be rich, famous or gorgeous.

He has some weird ideas about social class tbh. I have two Oxbridge degrees, am 38, and I earn quite a lot less than that. It depends what you've gone into, what you've done in life, what's happened to you along the way. So maybe he'd consider me beneath him.