Please be honest: do you care if your other half has money

[Sunnyindisposition]

Male DF is around 40. Had a heart to heart recently. He's a single guy, good looking kind and intelligent. He told me he is really worried women won't be attracted to him because he doesn't have (by London standards) tons of money. He earns £60K & has a nice house in zone 5. He has this fixation that women in his social class mostly earn more than he does and wI'll write him off. I tried to tell him they won't, please add your contributions either way.

60K is hardly no money, even by London standards.

Having supported a layabout for 6 months too long, I would never be with a man again who didn't earn enough to not need my money.

My DP is amazing and loyal and kind and generous and so incredibly handsome, I earned more than him when we first met and it wasn't an issue, he didn't rely on my money. He now earns considerably more than me and it hasn't changed any dynamic for us, as our attitudes are still the same, we both still earn enough in our own right to support ourselves alone if necessary and that's what matters to me.

Is he one of those 40yo men who want tthe date 25 yo women and when they turn him down, whines that it's because he's too poor / short / bald?

They don't have to be rich but they have to be motivated and hard working, and practical. I'd be concerned if they couldn't keep a job or weren't any good at a decent job because they were head in the clouds couldn't keep their shit together. I'd expect them to stay in a job they didn't love while job hunting if they had a family to support rather than throwing it in. Basically all the things i do. It would help a lot being comfortable one income I think for having a family, but obviously not a deal breaker.

Thats all that matters in the UK. What it says on your P60, the car you drive, the house you live in ,your social class etc. Is that really all there is to life?

i want to give your friend a big hug. majority of my friends are on 20-40k, we are all in our mid 30s, degree educated and living in london. so in our eyes he is doing very well. he shouldn't compare himself to high earners of +100k.... yes there are plenty of professionals in london with that salary but at the end of the day money doesn't give happiness.

He sounds like he has some fairly sexist ideas about what women are looking for in a relationship. Is it actually that he doesn't like the idea of a partner earning more than him? Who actually considers what social class someone is in as relevant anyway?

I don't care how much money men have. I dumped a bloke who was earning 6 figures and went out with DH, who was unemployed!

I wouldn't date a man who thought that women were shallow and grabby. That may be more of an issue.

I liked the qualities that DH had when I first met him. We married because we loved each other and my only quibble about DHs finances was the fact he had no savings account. He was making less than me but everyone needs a cushion and considering his car was paid and his rent was 40% of his income there was room for some savings. It's been a decade and a hell of a roller coaster ride. DH makes $$$$ now and other women find him attractive. 12 years ago none of them were interested.

Financially speaking it sounds like he is doing well. He owns his home and I assume he has a savings account with a bit set aside. If a girl is interested in his money she isn't the right person.

I need to be with someone who helps towards the cost of living so that I feel I'm in a partnership, but that doesn't mean having tons.

I can understand on rereading the comments about him being a misogynist He isn't and I wouldn't be friends with someone who was.Since I've known him he has lacked self confidence and his family had financial problems when they were growing up. He spent his 20s living at home helping his widowed mother and younger sibling that is how he saved for his house and I think partly how he developed naive views about relationships as he didn't have the chance to meet anyone. He is kind and he is genuine and hardworking and a lovely lovely friend who I trusted to look after my sick DD while I had a work crisis. He's got a good circle of friends and acquaintances but I seem to be the only woman he knows. This isn't because he is weird or dislikes women, he was educated and has always worked in very male fields.
His DF was out of work a lot when they were young and this had a massive effect on him. If I had any single friends I'd introduce him in a shot but they are all partnered up. DD despite her tender age is an excellent reader of people loves him and says he is shy to speak to people he doesn't know. Anyway..I'm trying to make him see his perception is flawed. I don't go ot much these days but I was once with him at a social function where a woman was imo clearly flirting with him and he just did not notice. He was perfectly polite but just wasn't picking up the signals.

I (economically) supported XH entrepreneurship during our relationship until he cheated on me and left with a big hole in my wallet.
Maybe brcause I have kids now, maybe because I no lonver believe in true love and fairy tales, but now I would not date a man with a significantly lower income than me. I make very close to 6 figures, so let's potential partners should be in the 75k+ range. It is not about money, it is about lifestyle and the responsibility of been the main breadwinner. I already have two lids to support, and honestly I wpuld love to work less and spend more time with them but it is not possible. So I wouldn't make that sacrifice of time with my DC for a man.

I earn my own money, why would I need his.

What I look for in a partner is someone who enjoys their life and is happy in their own skin whether that's in their job as a investment banker or on their allotment.

Sunny, your friends sounds like my brother who's a similar age (he's not in London, definitely not the same person!). Unfortunately, nothing I have ever said has helped him to see that he can have a relationship if he wants one but everyone who ends up married has to do uncomfortable things now and again. He agrees but doesn't seem able to make the leap. He also agrees that all his siblings are married and in normal jobs earning ordinary middle incomes and astonishing personal attractiveness and magnetism played barely any role.

Even still, I think it's much easier to blame mysterious others than act out of his comfort zone. If I dared I'd suggest counselling for his self esteem, but that would be difficult to take from a sister. But if you can suggest it to your friend, it might help.

His problem is not a financial one, but a lack of confidence. Personally I find confidence attractive not money. However often the two go together. In this case it doesn't, not because he doesn't earn enough, but because he simply lacks confidence and wrongly attributes this to his "near poverty status"

Its an odd one because money pr the ability to make money can disappear.

But i would not choose to date someone on a low income. I dont need a mans money. But as pp said above, i dont want thrm to need mine either.

I also couldnt date someone who was happy to sit back and have me fund them.

My dh hasnt always earned good money. Neither have I. But we have aleays had similar ambitions and work ethics and a joint view of where we wanted to be.

You friend has a decent income, isnt lazy and not expecting someonr to fund his lifestyle. It actually sounds like, to me, he feels inadequate if he isnt going to be the higher earner in a relationship. Which does suggest some misogynist views. He seems to be resentful that the women he meets earn more.

I do care about money.

They don't have to be rich or anything but I want a relationship of equals first and foremost.

We don't have to earn the same but I would be unwilling to work my arse off to subsidise someone else (other than mutually agreed situations in long term relationships/marriage eg. Retraining, caring for parents so dropling hours, parental leave/career break, through redundancy).

I couldn't be with someone who has a wildly different attitude to money to me. I think being financially compatible matters.

I wouldn't be put off by a person's job, but I would be put off with a lack of ambition.

I dated a guy that lived with his parents at 37. I understand going back to them after a break up but for two years maybe to get yourself sorted! Not five years and have your own room, daughter has her own room etc. He had a very low wage, with zero hours contract. Some months he earned £800! But of course, he didn't need more because he only paid his parents a small amount of rent.

He wanted to move in with me. No chance! I've already had an ex that didn't believe in paying his way because "well me living here doesn't cost you any extra. You would be paying the mortgage, council tax etc anyway"

60k isn't a lot if a woman is after money. I don't think he needs to worry that much about being fleeced. And Zone 5, even less so. Maybe he is chasing a certain type of woman. Younger, very attractive with better financial prospects?

I'd be put off him, honestly, for his attitude of not thinking that £60K isn't much money

I am single and live in London and earn a decent wage, and when I go on OLD 40year olds are within the range I search for.

I agree with @Ellisandra. He sounds unthoughtful and unaware of the world. Perhaps a little stuck in his bubble.

Social class matters when picking a partner. Opposite spectrums can bring about obvious issues in a relationship. Most of the time we will be attracted to folk similar to ourselves but often you see the values of the class system clashing when people unite from contrasting backgrounds

So imo it makes complete sense to date someone with a similar value/background to your own

60k is clearly a decent amount, but whether it's a lot depends on a) whether he's looking to have children b) when he bought the house. If he bought it 15 years ago then 60 is plenty to raise a family on. If he bought it last year then it would be a little bit tight unless the woman had a particularly good career in terms of flexibility, additional maternity pay etc, or a helpful mother just around the corner. Not impossible by any means, not breadline, but tight.

But I agree that his problems are about confidence rather than money. Very very few women would write someone off on the basis of your friend's circumstances.

A nice decent 40-ish guy with a house and a £60k income sounds like my idea of a very good find! I am surprised he isn't being snapped up!

When I was younger I would have dated anyone I fancied regardless of the rest of it.

Now as I am older I wouldn't choose to be with someone who.

1. Had debt problems.
2. Had no ambition.
3. Had no enthusiasm for life and was happy to sit watching box sets every night.

I earn noticeably more than my husband and it doesn't matter at all to us.

However I don't think he is wrong to think women will want/expect a life partner to earn well. I've just been on another thread where posters were turning their noses up at a "have it all" lifestyle which incorporated a full time job for the female partner if there were also children, as spending quality time/seeing more of the children was more important. The flip side of that though it's that the male partner ideally needs to earn enough to be the breadwinner/ provider. So yes it would seem to matter to a lot of women if the man is going to be a life partner.

Disclaimer: I'm an evil full time working mother.