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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i feel gutted , not sure if i should just let it go

121 replies

starrynight39 · 21/09/2017 00:15

Hello all. DF made some comments today and i am feeling deeply hurt and confused.
Earlier today he was very stressed due to work issues. He thinks that he made a mistake (he waits to find out ) that could cost them a contract. H e was very stressed and i tried to comfort him, i told him to be kind with himself because we can all make mistakes , i told him not to make assumptions and worry about it until he finds out what happened etc
We were spending the evening together and he said jokingly that he can be an ass sometimes. I joked back and i said yes you can be sometimes and we laughed about it. Then i asked (jokingly again) what he thinks is wrong with me. He replied if i have enough time because there are so many. I though we were still joking so i laughed until he started listing things .
He said so many that i lost count . I dont show affection, i am nagging, i dont understand him, i really can not remember them all. The one that stuck in my head because i was never expecting to hear is that "i never support him, more likely 5% of the times he needs me. And kept going on about it. He said he knows that in my mind i am there for him but i dont do it the way he needs it and maybe now that he told me i can fix it. I stayed very calm as i knew he was stressed from work and i didnt want to cause him more stress by causing an argument (trying to explain something to him , he always ends up angry). I commented calmly that this is very sad if he has this negative opinions about me. Every time he has an issue he calls me, he says that i know how to calm him down. Whenever he needs me , whatever time of the day or night i am there for him. He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened. When he had family issues i was there for him .When he lost 4 jobs in a row i was there for him. So all his comments but especially this hurt me a lot. Yes i am not perfect but i am always there . Apparently its not good enough and a stranger would do better
I am not sure what i am supposed to do. At times i thought he is pushing for a reaction but he didnt got any. At some point when i just listened quietly he apologized and said that i am perfect and he just though all the bad things . But then he just carried on
What am i supposed to do? Let go and blame it on his stress?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2017 16:40

Jeeezzz.
He's a fucking head fuck.
He knows exactly what he is doing.
Please, for all that is holy, end this nightmare.
You life will be a misery with this abusive asshole.
Get rid and do it fast and save your sanity.
Your thoughts will NOT clear while you are still with him.

Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 16:41

Why are you with such an abusive git?

Breaking things is domestic violence.

Get away from him, your life will be so much better. He's a loser.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/09/2017 17:00

oh i forgot to mention that me trying to talk to him about it today it "proves his point".

So well and truly prove his point and let him fuck off and find a stranger to jump to his tune.

I take it you don't live with him then?

TheSparrowhawk · 21/09/2017 17:17

You've asked exactly the right question - if he thinks you're so awful, why is he still with you? The answer is that he doesn't think you're awful, he just wants you to think you're awful so that you'll hate yourself and he can control you.

You need to get away from this guy asap. He will eventually be violent towards you.

SandyY2K · 21/09/2017 17:25

No marriage, no kids....it's a no brainer. I'd be gone.

thatdearoctopus · 21/09/2017 17:27

I'm exhausted just reading what that last conversation was like, so what on earth must it be like living it?

Please dump him. Life's too short for shit like this.

Notearsgoodbye · 21/09/2017 17:34

Btw he will hate it if/when you dump him so have a plan.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2017 17:34

I hate this man

Branleuse · 21/09/2017 17:43

You need to get away from this guy. Wow. He is a pisstake

Fluffybrain · 21/09/2017 17:46

You are being emotionally abused. He stays with you because you continue to allow him to abuse you. There are people in this world who enjoy putting other people down and controlling them. They get a kick out of it. He sounds like a narcissist. You sound like you are a rescuer. You cannot rescue this man. You can only rescue yourself. Please arm yourself with information about emotional abuse and the reasons you are enabling him to do this to you.
Read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme. You can do it online. It will answer all of your questions and you will learn to understand yourself better. You are worth so much more than the way this man treats you. I hope that one day you will believe this and act on it. So that when someone puts you down you tell them it's unacceptable and you walk away. That's when you begin to walk towards the right people.

Haffiana · 21/09/2017 17:47

The jobs he lost, his problems at work - does he tell you they were because they didn't appreciate him properly? That his bosses/work colleagues all behaved badly and stopped his work being recognised and they all conspired to make him look bad?

You see, OP that is how he will see everything including you and he will do and say ANYTHING to get you to prop him up. He will train you to prop him up and he will suck you dry because nothing will ever fill that empty hole in him. He is damaged and it will never be enough. It runs through him like the letters in a stick of rock.

You need to get really really pissed off with him, with yourself for being sucked into it, and then you will have the strength to bin him.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/09/2017 17:52

Ask yourself., what does he do for you?

differentlife · 21/09/2017 18:52

For the love of God get rid of this abuser before he strips your life of any joy, peace of mind and freedom. He is feeding from you & won't be happy until he has sucked your soul dry. You are clearly a giver and a fixer - but you can't fix cruel and heartless. Save your love and compassion for someone else.

Maybe for yourself, for tolerating this shit.

PickAChew · 21/09/2017 19:49

Listen to that instinct that told you to hold back from living with him. It's right and agrees with everyone on this thread that you have no happy ever after with this pathetic bully.

Your instinct knows that when the day inevitably comes when he slams you into a wall, he'll say it's your fault. When he pushes you down the stairs, he'll say it's your fault. When he has his hands round your throat, you'll be told that you drove him to it.

Listen to that instinct and tell him to FOTTFSOF

Jux · 26/09/2017 00:17

There's nothing wrong with you, it's just that you're not his acolyte. He wants it to be as if you see nothing beyond him, think nothing but what e tells you to think, and do nothing but what he tells you to do. He thinks you should be worshipping him, hanging on his every word.

DileenODoubts · 26/09/2017 04:51

Why is he with you? Because you put up with his shit and try to change yourself to suit him.
He knows not many else would. He wants a doormat and you’re providing him with one.
Time to leave, you sound great and smart - well done for not moving in with him.
Don’t let him try to persuade you he’ll change, more lies and manipulation

DownTownAbbey · 26/09/2017 07:04

You're trying to understand him and his reason for being with you by referencing your own feelings and motivations and the traditional idea of love and romance.

The problem is that he's wired wrong. He views the world very differently to most people. Just look at his anger. You say he doesn't hide it from work or strangers. Most men who are angry at home manage to hide it to the rest of the world. Lost 4 jobs? I'm not bloody surprised.

You love someone who doesn't exist. Run!

Cooloncraze · 26/09/2017 07:47

Please don't see this as what's wrong with yourself OP.
I spent far too long trying to work out how to change myself or fix my ex. It was an absolute headfuck.
You can still feel compassion for him but essentially you need to leave him because being together makes you unhappy. He won't understand why you're breaking up with him.
I'm still on good terms with my ex as we have a child together but it requires a lot of patience and I am forever thankful we're no longer in a relationship.

SilverySurfer · 26/09/2017 12:25

eddielizzard
tell him you realise now that you aren't good enough for him, and so you are setting him free to find someone who will give him what he needs.

then go find someone who's not a selfish, entitled, self absorbed arsehole.

^ Thhis. He is showing you clearly who he is and it's only likely to get worse.

Please don't marry him.

Sweetbell · 26/09/2017 19:47

The reason this self absorbed man stays with you is because he gets to pour his shit down your ear into your brain...he offloads his shit like a dump truck. Backs up empties the crap and off he skips never having to give a thought to why his life is so drama filled.
He lives for the shit collects it passes it to you but doesn't want any of your problems.
He gets a live in mammy/ counselor who listens to his woes day and night! Would you give up that?

Ring him at 3am with a list of his faults and how he can change to suit you, see how quick he hangs up and loses patience with you?

This isn't love this is toxic

C0untDucku1a · 26/09/2017 20:45

Ffs op dunp
Him. He is an abusive self absorbed wanker

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