i feel gutted , not sure if i should just let it go

[starrynight39]

Hello all. DF made some comments today and i am feeling deeply hurt and confused.
Earlier today he was very stressed due to work issues. He thinks that he made a mistake (he waits to find out ) that could cost them a contract. H e was very stressed and i tried to comfort him, i told him to be kind with himself because we can all make mistakes , i told him not to make assumptions and worry about it until he finds out what happened etc
We were spending the evening together and he said jokingly that he can be an ass sometimes. I joked back and i said yes you can be sometimes and we laughed about it. Then i asked (jokingly again) what he thinks is wrong with me. He replied if i have enough time because there are so many. I though we were still joking so i laughed until he started listing things .
He said so many that i lost count . I dont show affection, i am nagging, i dont understand him, i really can not remember them all. The one that stuck in my head because i was never expecting to hear is that "i never support him, more likely 5% of the times he needs me. And kept going on about it. He said he knows that in my mind i am there for him but i dont do it the way he needs it and maybe now that he told me i can fix it. I stayed very calm as i knew he was stressed from work and i didnt want to cause him more stress by causing an argument (trying to explain something to him , he always ends up angry). I commented calmly that this is very sad if he has this negative opinions about me. Every time he has an issue he calls me, he says that i know how to calm him down. Whenever he needs me , whatever time of the day or night i am there for him. He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened. When he had family issues i was there for him .When he lost 4 jobs in a row i was there for him. So all his comments but especially this hurt me a lot. Yes i am not perfect but i am always there . Apparently its not good enough and a stranger would do better
I am not sure what i am supposed to do. At times i thought he is pushing for a reaction but he didnt got any. At some point when i just listened quietly he apologized and said that i am perfect and he just though all the bad things . But then he just carried on
What am i supposed to do? Let go and blame it on his stress?

OP - how are you feeling about this feedback to your situation?

Leave.

He doesn't like you. He might love you, but he doesn't like you and life is too short to be with someone who doesn't like you when there are people out there who will. Don't change for someone, find someone you don't feel the need to change for.

Thank you all so much for the replies.
I dont know how i feel. I am still numb, i think deep down i know that something isnt right for long time now but i am having a hard time to understand it and accept it. Today he messaged me to call him. The work issue turned out to be fine so i though it was a good time to mention about yesterday. I told him that if he feels that he needs something its fine to ask but wishing me to change and coming up with a list of whats is wrong with me its a totally different thing. I asked him what the problem is (i need to understand his thinking). The only problem he came up with is that i do show him support BUT i dont express affection with words enough. He wants to hear it when he leaves for work and when we finish a phone call. I asked what else, it surely he can not be so negative towards me just because i dont say i love you and i miss you as often as he wants He didnt came up with anything else, all i have to do according to him is say more often that i love him etc because showing it is not enough....
For those who ask why i feel hurt. Well, we had some problems due to his anger. He gets mad over nothing, he brakes things, blaming me for it ."No one else ever made him feel so angry ".This is not true, he gets angry with everything and everyone but he doesnt express it , only to the people closest to him or random strangers on the street. . It got so much that i refused to move in with him , i felt that i needed more time to make sure that its not a mistake. The last few weeks everything seemed to be so great, no arguments, no complaints, we laughed a lot, I had no idea that somehow he had problems. Him telling me that he feels "apart" because i "dont show enough affection" when everything goes fine its confusing. The one moment i am his "everything and he is so lucky to have met me" one minute later out of nowhere "all his other gf were more affectionate and he wishes i could change ". Its very hurtful. I gave everything to make him feel loved and wanted, i am literally there any time of day and night if he needs something (ok doormat is the right word) Now that i am thinking about it he has this attitude with others too. His boss, his mum, his relatives. The one moment they are this and next day they are something opposite

For those who say that he doesnt like me, why then he stays with me? There has been times that he broke up with me for about five minutes (literally) telling me to f off and then "realizing" that it was a mistake. And then i have to forget that ever happened, if i feel hurt of bring it up it means that i keep bringing the past (even if its the same day its still "past")

Well that's why he lost four jobs in a row and doesn't get on with his family.

oh i forgot to mention that me trying to talk to him about it today it "proves his point". When he needs me most because he is stressed i come up with "things like that" and add to his problems and drag him down
My head is a mess. One side of me thinking that all this is just not right , that he does all this on purpose because there is no other logical explanation and the other side of me trying to find what is wrong with me

He is messing with your head, op. It's abusive behaviour.

Why is he with you? Because he enjoys messing with your head, and because he can take all his misfortunes, real or imagined, out on you. Emotiuonal punchbag, you are.

all i have to do according to him is say more often that i love him etc because showing it is not enough.. it will not be enough, ever. He will move the goalposts next time (oh yes there will be a next time) and it will be that you 'say it but don't mean it', or you 'don't look at him with the proper amount of love in your eyes' or you are not bent over quite enough backwards for him... You will never be enough.

If you want to continue pouring yourself, body, heart, mind and soul into this botttomless pit, this black hole of a man, then stay. But you will never be enough for him, no-one will.

Get out now.

Tell him to fuck off

He gets mad over nothing, he brakes things, blaming me for it ."No one else ever made him feel so angry".

That is extremely worrying. These are things that abusive and violent men do and say. Have you ever felt that he might hit you? Because breaking things in your house is considered domestic abuse.

I know you are confused and scared and worried about making the wrong decision. But this man is a wrong 'un and you will not have a happy life with him.

And what about him, OP? Does he say he loves you, heart and soul, for ever and ever, every time he talks to you? Does he listen to you whining about every little thing that annoys you in a day? What would he do if you phoned him at 3am to complain about him, or list out what HE needs to do to keep you happy?

I'm guessing you don't even feature. It's your purpose in life to make him happy, to make his life as cushy as you possibly can - but it will never be enough. He will never be happy.

And all the while he's not happy, it's your fault!

he's a complete gobshite. Sorry OP.

Op he is emotionally abusive and manipulative, he is full of shit, time to let him go. Don't move in with him, have kids or marry him.

You are not responsible for him or his happiness, he's like an emotional leech

It's him. Honestly. Listen to all the women here. We've seen it so often. You'll see it when you detach from him. You're starting to see it now, even through the smokescreen he's creating. Please do not marry him. It will only get worse.

This man is teaching you to ignore your own needs and emotions and expend every last little bit of your energy on trying to make him happy.

He is drip feeding the message that you aren't good enough to erode your self-esteem so that you don't ever believe that you deserve to be happy or treated with care and respect.

He will continue to behave appallingly towards you and then blame you for making him do it.

He will continue to criticise you for talking about your own needs and feelings and make you feel guilty for how that makes him feel. This is because he has no concern whatsoever for how you feel. He is only interested in how he can make you fulfil his every need.

The longer you stay with this man, the more convinced you will be that you don't deserve anything better; that you aren't good enough to be treated with respect or to be happy; that your relationship isn't good because you don't make enough effort.

Whatever you do, however much you give up, you will never be loved and appreciated by this man.

If you move in with him, he is very likely to take control of your finances and make it virtually impossible to move out again.

If he hasn't already driven a wedge between you and your family and friends, he soon will.

If you threaten to end the relationship, he will promise you the world to take him back, be lovely until you have committed to him again and then revert to this controlling and abusive behaviour.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cares deeply for how you feel, not just how you make them feel.

You are clearly a lovely, kind, loyal and thoughtful person and you have every right to be with someone who is the same; who will think carefully about how you feel; who wouldn't dream of disturbing your working day or your sleep in anything less than a dire emergency and who asks you how you feel and what you would enjoy all the time.

Please, please do not allow this man to suck you in and destroy your self-esteem any further. The problems in your relationship originate in him and it will only get worse as time goes on.

Hi OP, I could have written lots of you posts - I had a three and a half year relationship with an older man, after I'd been single for 11 years. He started off seeming really caring and protective, then it gradually became controlling, questioning my every move and why I didn't put him first all the time. He eventually became violent. He also hated me giving any time or attention to my friends or family, even (actually especially) my daughter. He would break up with me and have no contact for a week, to punish me for not being loving enough.
I'm so angry now that I put us with it and kept going back as long as I did. I'm so glad that I didn't marry him, as it would have been a living hell. My daughter hated him and says now that she genuinely thinks he would have killed me in the end. I feel huge guilt that her first experience of a male/female relationship was that one.

Please think about what you want in the future. It's so horribly easy to be conditioned into accepting abuse and being pathetically grateful when they are "nice" to you.

YYY Goldmandra, everything she said. Get out whilst you can and its easy. If you break up, he will be charming, lovely, promise you the earth, that's to reel you back in, as he knows he's loosing you. Don't pay any attention to it, its bullshit. Its a classic behaviour of abusers.

As others have said it will never be enough. Who wants to control the words their partner says anyway? I guess a man who blames other people for his anger issues. Are you still living apart? Keep it that way, he is an abuser don't be his victim.

Get rid - he's abusing you

Starry, he stays with you because you are giving him exactly what he needs. What does he do for you, other than having you boosting his ego? This isn't going to get better even if you do become more affectionate ( or whatever else he deems necessary ). Run away, or move house, or change your phone number. Preferably all three.

You must be exhausted with all his demands and twisting everything you say and do.

I had lots to say to you OP but then I read ptumbi's post which pretty much says it all. He absolutely is a black hole of a man, I call people like him dementors because they suck every bit of energy, happiness and positivity out of their victim, you've been remarkably resilient to have carried on this long imo.

This man will never make you happy, you won't realise until it happens but getting free of him will be like a massive weight has lifted, no relationship should be this hard. You can't fix this because you can't fix ^him^ and he is most definitely the problem. I rarely say LTB but I honestly think you should

I can't get past the fact that he called you at 3am in the morning to have a go at you! That is just appalling behaviour.

That you answered and listened just says it all about how he already has you conditioned to jump to his tune.

It will get worse, not better. There's no solution with a man like this except to end the relationship.

You ask what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. It's him - he's a horrible person.