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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i feel gutted , not sure if i should just let it go

121 replies

starrynight39 · 21/09/2017 00:15

Hello all. DF made some comments today and i am feeling deeply hurt and confused.
Earlier today he was very stressed due to work issues. He thinks that he made a mistake (he waits to find out ) that could cost them a contract. H e was very stressed and i tried to comfort him, i told him to be kind with himself because we can all make mistakes , i told him not to make assumptions and worry about it until he finds out what happened etc
We were spending the evening together and he said jokingly that he can be an ass sometimes. I joked back and i said yes you can be sometimes and we laughed about it. Then i asked (jokingly again) what he thinks is wrong with me. He replied if i have enough time because there are so many. I though we were still joking so i laughed until he started listing things .
He said so many that i lost count . I dont show affection, i am nagging, i dont understand him, i really can not remember them all. The one that stuck in my head because i was never expecting to hear is that "i never support him, more likely 5% of the times he needs me. And kept going on about it. He said he knows that in my mind i am there for him but i dont do it the way he needs it and maybe now that he told me i can fix it. I stayed very calm as i knew he was stressed from work and i didnt want to cause him more stress by causing an argument (trying to explain something to him , he always ends up angry). I commented calmly that this is very sad if he has this negative opinions about me. Every time he has an issue he calls me, he says that i know how to calm him down. Whenever he needs me , whatever time of the day or night i am there for him. He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened. When he had family issues i was there for him .When he lost 4 jobs in a row i was there for him. So all his comments but especially this hurt me a lot. Yes i am not perfect but i am always there . Apparently its not good enough and a stranger would do better
I am not sure what i am supposed to do. At times i thought he is pushing for a reaction but he didnt got any. At some point when i just listened quietly he apologized and said that i am perfect and he just though all the bad things . But then he just carried on
What am i supposed to do? Let go and blame it on his stress?

OP posts:

SootSprite · 21/09/2017 07:54

When someone tells you who they really are, listen.

Run OP, run far away.

whereiwanttobe · 21/09/2017 07:57

OP I agree with all the previous posters. My ex was never, ever happy with me (or life) I supported him through years of poor health, work dramas, family fallouts, the illness and death of his parents, but it was never enough - and it was always about him, and always someone else's fault. Your fiancé will not change.

And as PPs have said, please don't saddle any future kids with him as a father. My ex behaved exactly the same way with our adult children. My daughter is now NC with him, my son has minimal contact, largely out of pity. He's totally estranged from his brothers, and has driven away almost all his former friends.

If you want that as your future, then marry him. Otherwise please end it, you will look back and be glad you did, I promise. I waited a long time but I'm happy now and free of that misery, you can be too.

wobblywonderwoman · 21/09/2017 07:57

Dump him

He has no respect for you, he doesn't like you and he will ruin you life

You sound lovely op - you can do miles better

Pouncival · 21/09/2017 07:58

Oh seriously, just get rid

Ceto · 21/09/2017 07:58

The fact that he is still going on about this shows it is not just down to temporary stress. I suggest you point out all the ways you have supported him and that he should think about the fact that he seems to need so much more support than other people - I promise you, normal people aren't constantly phoning home to have a whinge about little things like a problem with their car or not liking something someone has said. And tell him that if all the support you give him isn't enough then clearly nothing ever will be and it's better if you split.

AppleJacques · 21/09/2017 08:00

Run! Run far far away, after the initial sadness your life will improve tenfold, please do not sleepwalk into marriage with this man.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/09/2017 08:00

I spent too long with a man like this. He was a bottomless pit. From dealing with his issues to making him a coffee, nothing was good enough for him. Nothing ever could be. No coincidence that he couldn't hold down a job either. He's a nob end. You can't marry this man.

thatdearoctopus · 21/09/2017 08:01

Well, the good news is that he's "only" a fiancé, not a husband, so relatively easier to dump.
I wouldn't get into a debate with him about it. Just say that it's clear you're not able to fulfil his batshit demands so it's best if you bow out.
And mean it.

AufderAutobahn · 21/09/2017 08:02

He sounds like a total narcissist, expecting to be able to say "jump" and you'll jump. This is what he will expect from marriage. Is he always, always there for you? Waking you up as well... He has no respect for you. Get rid. Please. It's not a healthy situation.

bluit · 21/09/2017 08:05

You say you are hurt and confused, but I'm not sure why.

A normal reaction would be anger. He's done a number on you, get rid.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/09/2017 08:09

Op I woulden't be marrying him at all! This is a good get out clause, if I am that bad, we are done! Find Mrs Perfect!

Alittlepotofrosie · 21/09/2017 08:10

I had an ex like this. he was emotionally and sexually abusive. I didn't realise that until years after i had broken up with him and found mumsnet. I did know at the time that everything was not right but I didn't have a name to put to it and didn't know what to do about it as I was young and naive. He was never the problem, it was always everybody else. People at work, his family, my family and me. It was always somebody else's fault that he was in a mood or that something had gone wrong. After I broke up with him he sent me a huge list of all the reasons why I was a bad person. It just made me realise that someone who thought that about me never actually loved me at all so I definitely did the right thing by binning him. I eventually married an amazing man whose worst complaint about me is that I leave hair grips lying about sometimes.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2017 08:11

He's a emotional vampire, and a whingy, seflish, pathetic manchild into the bargain. He sees you as an appliance to service his needs and wants. He called you in the middle of the night to moan on. Lost 4 jobs in a row.

Wake up! He's a loser.

Kr1s · 21/09/2017 08:19

He's telling you that even though it is 90% about him now, that's not good enough. He wants your relationship to be 100% about him

Unless you want that, run

This. Because if you stay your life will be hell. And you can NEVER have kids, because he's not even happy with 90% of your time and energy, so how will he cope with having 10% when you kids have the rest.

Jux · 21/09/2017 08:25

He needs you a lot more than you need him. He's a bit of a vampire isn't he? And not supportive to you.

You can do a lot better.

pinkdelight · 21/09/2017 08:29

He sounds like my friend's ex. Right down to the serial job losses. He was selfish to a degree that felt like he had something missing. Just couldn't put himself in her shoes, it was about him, always. And she put up with it for 10 years and with 2 kids, until he did some things so despicable even she had to wake up and see him for the shit he was. Luckily you've seen it now and have the chance to escape and start again with someone worthy of your love.

JWrecks · 21/09/2017 08:41

Ohhhhh love that's really awful! I'm so sorry! I definitely don't think you're wrong to feel really hurt. That was really mean.

I don't know if you can blame that on stress. Those are very harsh things to say, and they're untrue, and people don't just carry on like that about somebody if it's not something that's been eating away at them. Which doesn't make much sense, so I wonder, was he drunk??

If he were drunk I think that may be a different story. People say a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts, but that's nonsense. Drunk people can talk complete bollocks. But no, not simply stress.

If he's like that in the middle of joking, as you're literally supporting him right then and there, what's he going to be like when there's a real problem?

And I've often found that the type of person who bangs on about hoooowww much they do for you and demands gratefulness for every single thing all the time, tends to be abusive in other ways. Then on top of that, accusing you of being selfish and doing nothing for him... sounds like he's projecting.

He sounds horrible and cruel. I'd get away from him.

LesbianBadger · 21/09/2017 08:42

*He's telling you that even though it is 90% about him now, that's not good enough. He wants your relationship to be 100% about him.

Unless you want that, run.*

This. He won't change he won't become supportive and nothing you do will ever be good enough.

badbadhusky · 21/09/2017 08:42

Do you want to have children? If so, remember that he will not prioritise their needs and wants over his own, which is one of the most fundamental requirements in the early years. I also don't imagine him taking well to you not centring his needs and having to "share" you with your children. He would probably be just as petty, nasty and undermining towards your children. As painful as it is for you as his partner, it can be utterly devastating for children and cause long-term damage.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2017 08:47

This is your wake up call.
He's telling you exactly who he is - LISTEN TO HIM
Nothing you ever do will be good enough. He'll keep moving those goal posts.
It's abuse basically.

So he has daily issues.
Can you really imagine this as your life for the next 20-30 years???
It sounds draining and exhausting.
He's what I call a 'FUN SUCKER'
He can and will suck the joy out of everything.
I think the scales are falling from your eyes.
Get out now and find someone who wants to be with you and be happy with you.
You cannot be responsible for an adults happiness. No way.
That's up to him.
Google 'narcissist' I bet he fits the bill quite nicely.
And try to understand a bit about yourself. Why do you put up with this crap? Life is way too short.

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 21/09/2017 08:54

It sounds exhausting. What an ass, listing ways that you can please him, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Call his bluff, tell him that he is obviously unhappy so how does he want to separate. Keep it calm, cool factual and run for the hills.

HappydaysArehere · 21/09/2017 09:44

Sounds as if he is a really needy man. In a partnership you need to be there for each other. It's not one way! Just a thought, had he been knocking back the wine with his meal? Especially if he had a worrying day! Also, perhaps his worries had screwed him up and it was transferring to you.

PippiLongstromp · 21/09/2017 10:05

I think he is damaged from his upbringing, and is looking for you to make up for everything his parents wouldn't/ couldn't give him. He wants you to meet every emotional need and heal every emotional wound. But another person can never do that for you and you are right to be concerned. The only way there is a healthy future for your relationship is if he realises he has issues that he needs to confront and some counselling or therapy to help him do that. We all to some extent long for a partner to rescue us, but most of us realise it is not healthy and we need to do that for ourselves. So I understand where he is coming from, but the key is does he have self awareness and is he willing to take responsibility for himself and work on himself. If he doesn't and won't, then indeed run for the hills!

fannythrobbing · 21/09/2017 10:14

A favourite quote of mine is from Caitlin Morgan's posthumous letter to her daughter:
"Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake through their hearts and run away."

fannythrobbing · 21/09/2017 10:15

Oops autocorrect *Caitlin Moran

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