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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i feel gutted , not sure if i should just let it go

121 replies

starrynight39 · 21/09/2017 00:15

Hello all. DF made some comments today and i am feeling deeply hurt and confused.
Earlier today he was very stressed due to work issues. He thinks that he made a mistake (he waits to find out ) that could cost them a contract. H e was very stressed and i tried to comfort him, i told him to be kind with himself because we can all make mistakes , i told him not to make assumptions and worry about it until he finds out what happened etc
We were spending the evening together and he said jokingly that he can be an ass sometimes. I joked back and i said yes you can be sometimes and we laughed about it. Then i asked (jokingly again) what he thinks is wrong with me. He replied if i have enough time because there are so many. I though we were still joking so i laughed until he started listing things .
He said so many that i lost count . I dont show affection, i am nagging, i dont understand him, i really can not remember them all. The one that stuck in my head because i was never expecting to hear is that "i never support him, more likely 5% of the times he needs me. And kept going on about it. He said he knows that in my mind i am there for him but i dont do it the way he needs it and maybe now that he told me i can fix it. I stayed very calm as i knew he was stressed from work and i didnt want to cause him more stress by causing an argument (trying to explain something to him , he always ends up angry). I commented calmly that this is very sad if he has this negative opinions about me. Every time he has an issue he calls me, he says that i know how to calm him down. Whenever he needs me , whatever time of the day or night i am there for him. He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened. When he had family issues i was there for him .When he lost 4 jobs in a row i was there for him. So all his comments but especially this hurt me a lot. Yes i am not perfect but i am always there . Apparently its not good enough and a stranger would do better
I am not sure what i am supposed to do. At times i thought he is pushing for a reaction but he didnt got any. At some point when i just listened quietly he apologized and said that i am perfect and he just though all the bad things . But then he just carried on
What am i supposed to do? Let go and blame it on his stress?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/09/2017 04:15

Agree with 8holeinmyheart*.

OP do you want kids? Do you want this man saddling your kids with his bullshit? Get out now.

Atenco · 21/09/2017 04:17

Yeap, I wonder what his family is really like as he would presumably say the same about you.

category12 · 21/09/2017 06:25

You need to ditch him, it's very wrong of him to ring you in the night to tell you off. He's trampling all over normal boundaries.

Notearsgoodbye · 21/09/2017 06:34

He's very dramatic and needy isn't he? Why do you have to be on call day and night to support him?

Notearsgoodbye · 21/09/2017 06:35

What would happen if you said, don't call me at 3am, I'll speak to you tomorrow?

C0untDucku1a · 21/09/2017 06:39

Inread the op think wtf fathers are supposed tonbe thenones WE go to. Thank fuck it is actually a fiancé and you can more easily deal.

Dump. Him. Now.

He is a twat who cares not a jot for you andnyour feelings. He will be unsupportive as a husband and a father. He will not change.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/09/2017 06:40

I would give him that opportunity to get his support from a stranger as that comment is a precursor to an affair. Dump his ass asap. Do not run around trying to be the person he is demanding. It will destroy you.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2017 06:47

I'm sorry but this is a selfish self absorbed greedy man. It's all about him, his demands and his needs. You don't matter. You will never matter.

I think you know who he is, that's why you're posting and this isn't an aberration due to stress, this is who he is and it will get worse.

Stand up for yourself. Tell him that's enough, this is the way it is, he either takes it or goes. You can't live like this, you cannot give up your life to be his doormat. If you won't end it, then lay it on the line. He either accepts or scarpers.

Why did he lose four jobs? Was it the same thing? Selfish, self absorbed, all about him, they were not treating him well?

OliviaStabler · 21/09/2017 07:04

Get out of this relationship. What he wants from you is unrealistic, no one could provide it. I think you can understand now why his family and he are not on good terms.

Get out before he bleeds you dry and give yourself the chance to be happy with a decent partner.

splatattack · 21/09/2017 07:07

Are you seriously thinking of leaving him? If so tell him, he needs to realise that he cannot have everything on his terms..that might be the reality check he needs? If not then leave him....how long until your wedding?

dudsville · 21/09/2017 07:10

Don't be confused anymore, be smart. Listen to the unified response you're getting here.

Dancinggoat · 21/09/2017 07:10

He's down so let's bring you down with me !

He sounds controlling and quite egotistical.

Relationships should be about mutual support. Please think carefully about how you realistically can see this relationship developing.

Heatherjayne1972 · 21/09/2017 07:13

Blimey. If that was me my phone would be off or on silent at night
And whatever does your employer think about him texting/ringing at work?

Drop him. You so deserve better

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 07:17

He's horrendous. He needs 'happy breaks' from you? When you're already supportive and nurturing (overly so, in my opinion).

Be prepared for these 'happy breaks' to manifest as a series of affairs or just general large-scale instances of disrespect because he's already giving himself permission now to distance himself from you instead of talking to you like an adult.

He sounds inadequate and deep down, he knows he is. People who are inadequate can only function and make themselves feel better by pulling others down - and it doesn't matter if they're people close to them. You are not special.

I would not stay with this man, not a minute longer. It doesn't matter what he says now, this particular bell cannot be un-rung.

Cantseethewoods · 21/09/2017 07:18

He's lost 4 jobs in a row

Byeeeeeeee

He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened

Not normal. Yeah, work sucks sometimes, but you have to just get on with it unless something really really terrible and unfair happens.

I know that his family never been there for him

I'd love to hear the other side of that one. They're probably worn down to a husk by his emotional demands.

Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 07:23

Too many big red flags with this guy. Losing/frequently changing jobs, neediness, character assassination.

Look up Lundy Bancroft, especially "Mr Sensitive".

I'm concerned that you emphasise how much you support him etc. Like you are focused on being a "good future wife" to the detriment of your own needs and wishes. Does he support YOU?

AnyFucker · 21/09/2017 07:28

Please stop being such a man pleaser to this energy sucking loser

Your life appears to be devoted to stroking his fragile ego. Is this how you want the rest of it to be ?

Cooloncraze · 21/09/2017 07:30

Huge red flags here OP. This reminds me of all the signs I ignored or forgave when I was engaged to someone very damaged (as you describe) from childhood family neglect.
Even if you can understand why he is being so angry/ needy/ narcissistic, it's not acceptable for you and you will n e v e r be good enough. Or get the support and kindness that you deserve in return.
We are now divorced btw as this behaviour just got worse and more self involved and he only ever felt persecuted at home, with family, friends, work.

TheNaze73 · 21/09/2017 07:36

He sounds like a needy areshole but, I actually think he's doing a number on you. I'd get out now

Doilooklikeatourist · 21/09/2017 07:38

DF = Dear Fiancé ?
I think you need to get out of this relationship as he is draining you
Very manipulative
Move on

Hissy · 21/09/2017 07:43

Oh my abusive ex was like him at the beginning

Get out now.

You’ll never be happy with him, he’s a shower of shite as a man and you’d never forgive yourself if you saddled kids with him as a father

eddielizzard · 21/09/2017 07:49

tell him you realise now that you aren't good enough for him, and so you are setting him free to find someone who will give him what he needs.

then go find someone who's not a selfish, entitled, self absorbed arsehole.

PickAChew · 21/09/2017 07:50

You can't marry this man.

He is telling you, before you're even fully booked, that he holds you accountable for every bit of his happiness and that you're not fulfilling your impossible role to his expectations. If he loses this job, it will be your fault. If ever he gets drunk, violent or whatever, it will be your fault.

This sort of attitude is right at the heart of emotional abuse. My ex did it to me.

Run. Run as fast as you can get away from the slippery pedestal he's putting you on, while it's easy.

SugarPlumLairy · 21/09/2017 07:50

Nooooo run away OP, no good will come from this relationship!

He is not a work in progress, you can't fix whatever is going on there. Be grateful he told you the truth and get out and batten down the hatches.

You may be reading thinking "but I love him...." but it's not reciprocal. He loves what you do for him, not you.

What if you stayed (NO,) andhad kids, you think he'll cope with even less of your attention? Think he'll be ok with kiddo having needs of their own? Would you want him to treat your child the way he treats you?

Please get away, you sound like a lovely person, you deserve so much more. SO. MUCH. MORE.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 21/09/2017 07:54

Run.

Run fast and hard. Run like your heels are on fire and your arse is catching.

There are red flags everywhere. It's allllll about him, isn't it? Look at what he's just done - called you early and woke you up (doesn't care, your sleep doesn't matter), so that he can carry on telling you what he wants you to do.

This sounds incredibly one sided and that what he actually wants is for you to dedicate yourself entirely to him and his emotional wellbeing. But that you get fuck-all in return. The comment about needing "happy breaks between your issues" is very worrying. And ironic really - how many "happy breaks" did he give you when he lost 4 jobs in a row?

He's contacting you at work and expecting you to immediately put down what you are doing to prioritise him. Does he show you the same priority? Does he realise that actually you are working and therefore him moaning about a noisy neighbour can wait?

Dump him. He's done this deliberately to try and grind down your self-esteem so that you'll immediately try and "fix" what's wrong and bend over backwards. What you need to realise is that he'll never be happy because he is insecure, whiny and basically an arsehole so no matter how hard you try he'll always find something to complain about. There are plenty of decent blokes out there who don't behave like this. Ditch him and find someone better.

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