Hand hold. 31 weeks pregnant and he's now dating his ex-girlfriend

[timingisabastard]

DP walked out 5 weeks ago - we were engaged, planning a wedding, I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and we have two children.

He stated depression and not seeing our relationship working - things weren't great but a shock to the system.

We've spoken every day since. He messages every day. He has come over on his days off and some days after work.

He's lost weight, new clothes - most of his stuff is still here. Living at his mum's. We've still been sleeping together. I saw things improving in that we were getting on, we were making plans for birth of baby, and it seemed there was a lot of flirting - like when you first meet someone in the heady days before you get together.

It's been shit but there almost seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night he told me that he was taking someone out for dinner. Second date. First was last week - he left my bed and went out with her. She's his ex girlfriend - they've been messaging for three weeks (he says).

It feels worse than him leaving - it's not quite cheating but I feel so hopeless and betrayed and humiliated.

Last night I felt so shocked I couldn't stop shaking, thought I was having labour contractions.

He phoned up crying. Saying he was still in love with me. That he didn't want to hurt me. That he still wanted to be around when the baby was born and still see our children as much as possible. I've told him that we can't be friends and we have to formalise things.

He's still going to see her - although he cancelled last night saying he felt like a shit. He thinks he was honest. It turns out his mum refused to see me until he'd told me because she didn't want to lie to me.

I feel the absolute lowest I've ever felt. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to have to do all the stuff I do now and have a newborn all on my own. I feel like I've been left to deal with everything and he's living the good life with no responsibilities.

I also want to message her and say something - tell her that just before he was with her he was in bed with me - that he's been sleeping with me, that I'm not some crazy, I'm just heavily pregnant and he's an arse, but I also know I will just seem unhinged.

I've deleted all social channels. I'm seeing the GP today about stress related migraines. I just don't know how to get through this. I don't want to.

@timingisabastard if you qualify for the access fund doula go for it. They are brilliant and just have someone who can make you a cuppa and be supportive. They often do pregnancy massage during labour which can be lovely to help manage pain and help show you how strong you are. It’s like a mummy for the mummy.

If you chose to do it by yourself that’s fine too but you don’t have to be alone. I’m really glad you are not allowing him in your space continue to do so. look what you have achieved in life this a blip, a bald fat selfish blip and you will come out stronger for it.

I’m near Glasgow if you need any support plus I’m 28 weeks pregnant on my second so you can loan all about the shite pregnancy symptoms and I can completely sympathise. I’m not sure about the migraine stuff ending in you needing consultation supervision, might they only do it if you are at risk of pre eclampsia? Again this would be a good reason to have a doula as they are there to advocate for you your birth choices but also take on board what the medically trained are telling you and helping you make the right decision.

You are all honestly amazing.

Yesterday was a real tough one. He didn't turn up to pick the youngest up despite that being the agreement - I have drafted up set times and days for him to see the children so he'll either have to stick to those or not see them. Too much messing around is happening - although yesterday was clearly because we'd rowed (he has always done this, dropped pre-agreed arrangements to sulk) and also because he was with his ex/new girlfriend.

I had a horrific migraine attack yesterday whilst shopping and lost my vision in the middle of the supermarket - thankfully I wasn't on my own but it was pretty bloody scary.

Didn't sleep last night as I couldn't stop thinking about him being with her - although it has been a little easier than expected in that it's happened and there's nothing I can do and there's no way I'd have him back anyway now. I knew it would be hard and I've got through it.

My friends have been so good - I made a joke about packing all his stuff up and taking it into the shop where she works and leaving it there, crazed and pregnant brandishing scissors (I am the least likely person to do anything like that) and whilst I would never, ever do it, it felt good to have a laugh about the situation, as messed up as it is.

I will have a look at the Doula fund - I've never heard of it before but it sounds pretty great. My mum has been at my two previous births but I would probably want her to have the children and the friend who I would have asked is utterly squeamish but might prefer to swap with my mum. To be honest, the idea of asking for help off anyone, even to be with me, seems like such a huge task - on one hand it's the final nail in the coffin of him not being there (which is definitely the case but another hurdle), the other is the thought of having to put people out to accommodate my messy life. I've always been so independent and hate asking anything of anyone.

@stolemyusername you are so bloody right - she is the one who'll have to justify her actions to everyone around them both - she's walked into this willingly and knows what type of person he is. As for him, I'm sure most people think he's pretty lazy as it is, him walking out and doing what he's done can't really be dressed up too much, can it?

Not hearing off him over the past two days (seems so much longer!) has definitely helped clear my head - he really should have been the one apologising and doing all he could to put things right - not behaving as he has. That speaks volumes and I am definitely realising that a whole lot more.

I'm going to pack his things up and ask his sister to take them over when I see her on Friday.

@Thundermouse and @Mustang27 you lovely lot, thank you so much for your kind offers. I'm in the north-west so probably in the middle of you both, but I do appreciate it.

Today is a new day and so far it's been an utterly crap two months (already!) but I've got through it and I'm still going and whilst it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier, I'm sure I'll look back in a few weeks and be amazed at how far things have come.

With regards to him - it's his day off again today and once again, he's not got in contact to make any arrangements to see his children, despite him promising the world to do all he can to help. He's just an utter twat who is weak and selfish.

to you all for being so kind and supportive.

You sound amazing OP, once the shock wore off the sadness comes but it's to be expected.

You are doing brilliantly.How is your oldest coping?
You will get through this and your children will know you were there.He is the loser long term.Be prepared for him to bad mouth you as its his only defence. Otherwise he would have to admit to the title of most selfish man in UK.

@Hermonie2016 She's at the age where it's all about friends and how she looks and to be honest, I thought she'd have taken this a whole lot worse but she's very much in her own bubble of school dramas etc, which is probably for the best - she's more bothered about whether or not she's allowed her phone or out to play. We have behavioural difficulties with her anyway, but none of those have changed so there's at least consistency there!

I don't feel like I'm doing quite so brilliantly. I felt good this morning and positive but feeling quite low this afternoon and I can feel yet another migraine brewing. It's like the tide, just relentless and no respite.

He's still not bothered getting in contact so that's two days now that he should have had her and has just left me in the lurch - his excuse will be I didn't remind him/chase him up, but the idea of ringing him to see where he is when I know full well he's with her is not exactly top of the list - and he knows this. God, he's such a selfish wanker! The more I write the more I realise how awful he is.

I'm also juggling trying to get more business in and manage the clients I have (freelance web and marketing consultant) and since all of this has happened I've literally done the bare minimum to keep things going but I have bills to pay and I can't let any of this affect my income any longer.

I have no doubt he's badmouthing me left, right, and centre. He's already rewritten our relationship to other people to fit his agenda - I can only imagine some of the things he's said - in a self-pitying fashion, woe is me, martyr type manner. As a PP said, both him and her have to justify their behaviour.

I am hoping my engagement ring sells soon on EBay so I can pay my overdraft off and go and get my hair done. Small things :)

That might be a good idea on doing the friend mum swap if that suits you more but I’m worried your mum will be insensitive at some point as she has been already? Or have I imagined that. You need someone cheering you on for sure. I really hope the migraines ease have you tried doing some deep breathing techniques not whilst you have them just as and when you can to help take your mind off all the shit.

Do not prompt him in any way to see his children. Lay down the law these are the times and days you can have them or if you are feeling generous put the ball in his court and say when do you intend on seeing your kids?? Can we get something set in stone to minimise disruption. Once that’s been said if he chooses to then sort it great but if he ignores or then doesn’t bother to hold up his arrangements do nothing as he won’t be any benefit in your children’s life if he can’t even keep a simple schedule for their sakes. Does your eldest see him as a father figure? She might be feeling it more than she is letting on. I hope not though.

I have no idea why I thought your mum wasn’t supportive of the separation sorry. I read your posts back honestly my baby brain is mush. Sorry

I'm mostly so cross with myself for ending up in this situation. I worked so hard to get to this point and I always said I'd never have more children after my eldest because I didn't ever want to be a single parent again and 12 years later I'm in the same position. I put myself through university with a 3-year-old and graduated with a first, worked my way up the career ladder, started my own business and I'm almost back at the beginning with an expensive degree, a bigger overdraft, a few more grey hairs, and another failed relationship...

It's important to recognise that this situation isn't all of your making. You made life decisions on the basis of having a loving supporting partner who you trusted, and no one will fault you for that. I know it seems like you've gone backwards, but look at everything you've achieved in this sentence. You worked your ass off, to make a better life for you and for your kids. If you had the strength to do all that, you do have the strength to get through this now, I really believe that.

And for the record, as independent as you might be, there's no shame in asking for help right now. You didn't achieve your degree on your own, you had the support of tutors, uni administrators and other students, even though you did most of the hard work. You're going to have to do most of the hard work now, but if people want to help, let them, and if you have guilt over it, you can just think to yourself that you will return the kindness when they need you in some way in the future.

I'm sorry you're going through this, your ex sounds like a total dick.

OP really pleased you are getting some good support on here. I just wanted to add...

I think you are being really brave in tremendously difficult circumstances. You can get through this and there will be good times ahead.

All the best

@mustang27 My mum can get a little over-involved in things and often says well-meaning but inappropriate comments, often without knowing all the facts. She's very supportive but sometimes she can be either too much or leaves me feeling wanting.

I've not contacted him and I've now blocked him on all social media after seeing them comment on ridiculous stuff to each other. Had a little cry this morning, last night, yesterday afternoon, but realised I'm not crying for him, I'm definitely grieving for what we had once and for what I thought we could have and I guess the difference is important.

It's his last day off and he's still not been in contact regarding the children - part of me is curious to see how long it takes for him to remember he's a father, the other part makes me want to go all lioness and get angry at how dare he not care or be interested or be in agony at not seeing them. I will keep going without doing that though.

Last night I had a wobble and kept thinking, maybe he's regretting things, maybe I've blown this all out of proportion, how can he really be bothered about anyone else after all we've been through and done together. I wanted to message him and tell him how much I missed him and how much I loved him but I text a friend instead, had a little cry, put some music on, and did some work.

@katmarie thank you for your kind words. I read something last night that I really loved: endure to conquer. And that's what I'm going to do - I'm going to get through this awful period of my life and I'm going to conquer these mixed up emotions and come out clear-headed, stronger, and a better person. I'm not afraid of being on my own like he is, I'm afraid of failing as a parent and of not being able to provide a stable life for my children - but I have to try regardless.

He is a total dick. Every day I must be getting a little less blind because every day I realise just how much of a dick he is. He should be begging for forgiveness even if only for the sake of seeing his children. He's instead sulked and behaved like a child.

@winegummybear thank you. I don't feel brave at all! I feel horrendously sad and absolutely bloody terrified of the future - I worry constantly about everything - but I do have faith that things will get better - if only because I have really had so many people who have literally picked me up and kept me going.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?...

You are so strong it comes out in your writing. Your DC are so lucky to have you.

He's a twat and a selfish self centered bastard.

Keep on keeping on. It does get easier. You're one hell of a wonderful woman.

Sorry about your mum again I think I latched on to that don’t get pregnant again stuff and thought she wasn’t being great lol. I’m glad she is there for you silly comments aside.

I’m honestly sad and angry for you knowing that he hasn’t bothered to see his children it’s not acceptable. No matter how much he doesn’t want to be with their mum (more fool him) he should be bending over backwards to stay in his kids lives. The kind of bloke that gives men a bad name. You are well rid. I know it’s hard right now but it will work out good in the end and just think you don’t have a giant man child to pander too anymore you can just enjoy your lovely babies and any time you do have is your own.

Just an update for anyone who's interested.

Things are very much up and down. The stress of all of this has been horrific but I'm still here. The baby and children are all okay. I'm waiting on a brain scan and on a variety of tablets for the almost daily migraines now.

He's doing the absolute minimum and seems to have all the power at the moment. Evey week he commits to certain days to see the children - every week he'll reschedule or cancel or not turn up. When he does, he'll see them for an hour before making an excuse as to why he has to go.

He knows all about the hospital and migraines and how much they're affecting day to day life and he's not done anything to help out - despite knowing that the tablets I'm now on mean the baby may be induced.

The only thing he's stuck to is keeping his love life quiet - I told him I didn't want to hear or see anything about him or her and I haven't - so out of everything else, he's literally done nothing.

His family and friends all seem to be horrified by his actions but they're his family and whilst they're helping out as much as possible, he remains having to do as little to nothing as possible - they might have the girls for an afternoon, which means he doesn't have to.

He's gone from promising a certain financial amount to now reducing that right down because he can't afford it - but every time I arrange to go through the finances so we can both be on the same page about bills and payments, he doesn't turn up - he's now told me he's cancelling the internet despite me needing it for my business (he won't change it into my name for whatever reason) so I have a potential wait of two weeks until a new provider can sort things out.

Everything is on his terms and when I do something to turn it around, he throws a strop, sulks, and I'm left feeling like the one in the wrong and I don't know how to change that - how can I take control of this situation if he just sulks and does as he pleases anyway?

I have less than five weeks max until the baby arrives. I am exhausted, stressed, unhappy, can't rely on him for anything, and just feel so trapped in this stupid cycle where I'm struggling and trying to do everything and he does as he pleases - he's literally living his life as if he has no responsibilities - he goes running and to the gym, he goes out with friends, to the cinema, obviously he's got this girlfriend, he gets to sleep in, go to bed when he wants, even gets to have a shower in peace and I'm just here.

The dog was finally rehomed (through a reputable specialist rescue where we waited a long time for her to go to a checked out family rather than fostering or kennels) and he couldn't even be arsed to see her before she left. He didn't want to have to get out of bed that early (10am).

I'm just feeling low today - this is the first time I've cried in a few weeks - once again, he'd made plans and then just didn't turn up and then made out I was being a bitch by asking him to let me know in future - I was perfectly pleasant. I just feel so crap - it's so hard. How does he still have the power to hurt me and make me feel so useless after nearly 3 months when he's clearly not arsed one bit? How does he not care about his children?

I need a kick up the arse I think.

And to top it off, I've been wavering about him being there for the birth - especially now I've been told a homebirth isn't advisable as they'll have to monitor myself and the baby afterwards because of the medication I'm on, and also because the consultant is worried about me getting a migraine during labour (anyone experienced that?)

I just feel like a doormat - trying to make everything easier for him so he doesn't sulk or throw his toys out the pram. I wish to god I didn't have to have any contact with him ever again or think about him - or there was a switch I could push that would turn all and any emotion off around him. He doesn't even realise or appreciate what a huge effort I've made to ensure that things are as civil and calm and pleasant as possible.

OP, I've just read your thread from start to finish. You sound so lovely and I'm actually feeling quite teary about what this man has done to you - perhaps because there are a lot of feelings you've been experiencing that I can relate to, but also because I can't believe what an absolute bastard this man is. I mean, truly, what an utter, utter waste of oxygen.

You've been so strong. I wish I had the words to make it better. I sympathise re migraines - I suffer from them. They're not as bad as yours by any stretch but when I get one, it's bad. I lose vision too and it's terrifying when it happens in public. I sincerely hope these migraines clear up for you soon. The last thing you need at the moment is that added discomfort. Sending lots of strength - I wish I could give you a hug (if you'd want one, of course) xx

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My darling, please see a solicitor. You need child maintenance and access to get ratified so you can hold him to account - to the letter.

Take your power back my love. Dont try to negotiate with him personally - find a solicitor and get some clout on your side.

Have you been to the CAB? Have you sorted benefits etc?

My heart goes out to you so much. I have plenty to say about the dickless fuckwit who put you in this mess, but it's not about him, it's about you. Tell us what you need and you'll find folk to carry you through this time x

He is an utter waste of skin

Just RTFT and he’s a shocker. I also thought no you should see a solicited. That’s how you’ll get control.

And no matter what DO NOT change your mind about him being at the birth. In fact the upside of a hospital birth in this situation is that it’ll be much easier to keep him away. Have it written on your notes that he’s not to be anywhere near you. This is even more important because your migraines are stress induced and he’s THE source of stress!!

He wants to be at the birth to tell people he was at the birth. He doesn’t want to support you.

Besides, he’s not a father. He’s pretty much a sperm donor at this point. He’s not being a father to this born child(ren) and he’s not being a father to his unborn one either because if he was, he’d not be cancelling visits or adding stress to you.

Try and see the solicited before the birth though because it’ll be harder for a little while after to get the ball rolling.

*Solicitor
And *now not no!!

I'm sorry it's still shite for you.
But you are doing so well and never lose sight of that!
I agree about a solicitor.
Is he paying your maintenance for the DC?
Make sure he's paying you enough.
You can and are getting through all this even if it doesn't feel like it.
I hope friends and family are being supportive.
Do NOT have him at the birth.
It will add soooo much stress.
Keep posting for support if you need it.
Or just to have a good old rant!

There is literally nothing I can say to make this better for you. I'm so angry for you. There are no words for how low he is.

All I would say is, don't automatically assume that all your physical symptoms are related to the distress. They probably are but it could also mask a physical issue. Make sure you get thoroughly checked out any time you feel physically awful. How dare he put you in this position right now?

Everything from now on is on your terms - he's thrown away any right to make any demands of you. He WILL come and take the other kids when you ask so you can focus on the baby. He WILL come and look after the baby so you can rest and spend time with the other kids who frankly must be going through so much right now between this and a new baby. He will make this as easy on you as possible, and he will not be able to live the life of riley while you're at home struggling. Make a schedule for his assistance that suits you and the needs of your children. Be reasonable but demand as much of him as you would if you were still together since you didn't ask for this. Time for him to step up and try to salvage any shred of decency as a human being.

I am so sorry x

Just seen your update - he's even fucking worse than I thought.

Do they suspect you have IIH? If so, a home birth would definitely not be advisable. Have they spoken to you about a c section at all?

I know you're making a huge effort to keep things civil - don't. Why should you? He is at fault here not you. How dare he treat you like this? I know it's difficult but i would make sure his mother knows how he's behaving and ask her to intervene - if this were one of my sons I'd rip them a new one, they may be my kids but I'd never support this behaviour.

He needs to understand that he is equally responsible for this child and he can't just walk away and get away with it. Have you explicitly told him this? Have you told him what his behaviour is doing to his kids? I want to throttle the fucker honestly - he's lucky I don't know him. Do you have any mutual male friends who would talk to him? Someone must be able to get through to him. One day he's going to seriously regret this behaviour, I have no doubt. My father was this brand of cunt (and worse) and he's now old, alone, no contact with any of his kids or now grandkids, and no one to shed so much as half a tear when he dies (which may have already happened as far as I know / care). He's detonated his entire life so he can go to the gym and have casual sex. What an absolute idiot.

@timingisabastard just stop doing anything remotely related to him. Don’t try and organise him seeing the kids or anything. He is nothing and your beautiful children and you deserve better. Hopefully he falls under a bus next time he is running.

Seek some legal advice regarding the maintenance and once you feel a bit stronger get that sorted through the courts, bloody stingy bastard it’s absolutely sickening.

I’m sorry the migraines are still causing you so much agony I really hope they can get something sorted but I doubt the stress of all this is helping. Sorry about the disappointment of the homebirth but it’s not worth the risk.

Can your mum take the kids once afternoon a week for you to let you get a bit of a breather, catch up on sleep, go for a swim of maybe do some yoga. Just anything that brings you some happiness.

Just wanted to say thank you to you all for your lovely support and advice. Currently struggling with yet another migraine - all merging into one at the moment and medication so far not helping. Will reply properly later on - off to put CBeebies on and hope the toddler can be persuaded to go for a nap.

for your migraine!