Hand hold. 31 weeks pregnant and he's now dating his ex-girlfriend

[timingisabastard]

DP walked out 5 weeks ago - we were engaged, planning a wedding, I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and we have two children.

He stated depression and not seeing our relationship working - things weren't great but a shock to the system.

We've spoken every day since. He messages every day. He has come over on his days off and some days after work.

He's lost weight, new clothes - most of his stuff is still here. Living at his mum's. We've still been sleeping together. I saw things improving in that we were getting on, we were making plans for birth of baby, and it seemed there was a lot of flirting - like when you first meet someone in the heady days before you get together.

It's been shit but there almost seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night he told me that he was taking someone out for dinner. Second date. First was last week - he left my bed and went out with her. She's his ex girlfriend - they've been messaging for three weeks (he says).

It feels worse than him leaving - it's not quite cheating but I feel so hopeless and betrayed and humiliated.

Last night I felt so shocked I couldn't stop shaking, thought I was having labour contractions.

He phoned up crying. Saying he was still in love with me. That he didn't want to hurt me. That he still wanted to be around when the baby was born and still see our children as much as possible. I've told him that we can't be friends and we have to formalise things.

He's still going to see her - although he cancelled last night saying he felt like a shit. He thinks he was honest. It turns out his mum refused to see me until he'd told me because she didn't want to lie to me.

I feel the absolute lowest I've ever felt. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to have to do all the stuff I do now and have a newborn all on my own. I feel like I've been left to deal with everything and he's living the good life with no responsibilities.

I also want to message her and say something - tell her that just before he was with her he was in bed with me - that he's been sleeping with me, that I'm not some crazy, I'm just heavily pregnant and he's an arse, but I also know I will just seem unhinged.

I've deleted all social channels. I'm seeing the GP today about stress related migraines. I just don't know how to get through this. I don't want to.

What a painfully stupid, selfish cunt. It's all about his dick and his ego OP. He wants you to want him because it feels good for him, and keeps his options open. It also gives him control.

You need to aim your anger firmly at him. I agree that you need to cut him out of your life as much as possible. Keep conversations minimal and only about the kids. Give him no ego stroking at all, he does not deserve your attention.

You're being very stoic saying relationships break up all the time and it's not such a big deal - but be kind to yourself because it IS a big deal!

You have two children with this man, are pregnant with a third and had planned a future. He has not only walked out on that relationship but actually sort of stayed in it too by sleeping with you still and 'flirting' and stringing you along whilst simultaneously starting another relationship with somebody else! You have every right to feel hurt, angry, confused, disappointed, sad - it's not pregnancy hormones but a normal, healthy reaction to what has happened.

I wonder how long this relationship has been going on? It's probably the reason he left in the first place otherwise what was his motivation? You weren't getting on great you say but well enough that you're still sleeping together - and it's majorly bad timing to walk out of a relationship when there are young children and a pregnancy to consider.

Don't worry about contacting his new (old) woman. Who can blame you?! Its impossible to know what to do or how to react in your circumstances. Personally I wouldn't contact her again now as you've said your piece but don't feel bad about it. It's done now.

You are being strong. You'll have wobbly moments, but you are being very clear headed about everything. Yes to doing contact through his mum. She sounds like a more reasonable human!

This is nothing in the grand scheme of things
This is you and your life so it's huge for you.
Don't downplay it - it's a lot to deal with and you are doing great.
I fell apart for pretty much a year when my marriage ended.
You are allowed to hurt and grieve and feel like shit and cry and cry.
Just get the support you need around you and they'll help you through it all.

OP I am reading this and my heart is breaking for you. Totally totally unforgivable what he has done.

You are stronger than you know. It hurts like fuck now and that's a good sign, you are processing the break up. Soon you'll get angry at him and then you can eventually move to not giving an absolute shit about him. But that is a way off yet.

Please look after yourself (easier said than done I know). He is the biggest loser ever giving his family up

I spent yesterday very up and down and find myself bursting into tears over silly things. It feels more raw than when he first left - this is final and there's someone else. It's horrible thinking he could be with her and I'm dealing with tantrums and nappies and everything else.

My friend was here yesterday when he came to pick the youngest up. He dropped her back after two hours with a soggy nappy and hadn't fed her any lunch I'd packed - she'd eaten bits from the fruit bowl instead it seems two hours is as long as he can cope for - which tells me all I need to know about him being able to cope with any of them on his own for long.

My GP called yesterday and said my results that came back from A&E aren't good and they're now doing an urgent referral to a neurologist for the next available appointment, which is not what I expected.

My mum has stated I must not ever have any more children in case the father walks out - imagine the shame

I really regret that bloody message. I feel all it's done is make me look unhinged and pushed them together even more - he can now say, look what I've had to deal with and she can feel sorry for him. But I have to keep telling myself, he's not the person I fell in love with - he's changed. I've changed.

I do feel like I'm grieving for a life I thought I'd have - only it wasn't snatched away, it was discarded and that's the bit that hurts.

One of my friends said to own my responsibility in it and my part and it would help me feel less of a victim as such and more in control and I feel she's right (she worded it far better)

I bought scratch mitts and maternity disposable knickers last night - first baby things I've been able to buy without overthinking it all.

And honestly, all the support on here has been amazing. Every time I feel like it's all so overwhelming or I start to feel like he's not done anything that bad I read these comments and remember how bloody awful he is and how horrible he has been and is being.

Scratch mitts so cute, knickers the scary truth lol. Your friend is probably right but don’t shoulder blame that’s not yours that’s never good.

What a twat returning your baby sodden and unfed so selfish.

Good luck with the neurologist not really what you need at the best of time.

Forget your mums comments they are insensitive and daft, have a biscuit indeed lol.

stop apologising for the message ... He was leaving anyway... do not apologise for being left in the situation you have been left in... look forward.. you owe nobody any apologies... focus on YOU

It's just one emotional rollercoaster, isn't it? He's still blowing hot and cold and I'm really trying not to fall for it - he'll text me when he doesn't really need to, I'm guessing just to keep me on my toes.

I seem to burst into tears at the smallest thing now - far worse than in the beginning and trying to keep busy is hard - just seem to be going through the motions at the moment - I should be trying to do lots of child friendly activities but the combination of persistent migraines, exhaustion and feeling utterly lost is counter productive.

I think I'm going to get things organised for the baby today and turn my phone off so I'm not checking it constantly. I keep imagining them together and that alone is awful.

Going to write this weekend off as a blip and start afresh tomorrow with a better frame of mind.

As for the message I sent, you're all right - what's done is done. No apologies now.

It is so unfair to keep you on the back burner. It just leaves you not knowing where you stand. Your instinct being pregnant will be to want him to come back because you are so vulnerable right now. But he isn't what you need. He'll be up and down with you having his cake and eating it whilst you wait for a text or call. It's so cruel.

From what you've said you are definitely better off without him. Try not to let him play his games with you.

As an aside - what woman is so desperate for a man that they'll start a relationship with a man who has two young children and a pregnant partner?! Do they convince themselves it's destiny, true love or simply meant to be?! Or is he just too handsome / charming / rich to resist?!

He's just so cruel. I don't feel like this is any easier. I can't trust him. He's still dating her - and no, he's not rich or good looking, or charming or anything like that. He's balding, bordering on the heavy side, with more wrinkles than he should, he doesn't earn much money and he's unbearably lazy. But his faults didn't matter because he was mine and now he's not.

He's selfish and nasty and doesn't seem to care the effect that him doing this to us is having. I am struggling with migraines almost every day now - they're stress triggered. How can I stop the stress?

I at least now know I'll be on my own when I have this baby for absolute definite.

And I don't know why she's okay with any of this - I'd run a bloody mile if I wasn't so involved.

I have never been through anything this shit before - or at least not this strung out. It's like slow torture and I don't know how to get through it or even just manage it.

God, who does this to the mother of your children - the one who has supported you and put your first and done everything to make you happy? I feel like such a bloody mug.

Hi sweetheart, just another one saying you are doing amazing. What an absolute shit of a man! Physically, get some ice lollies and try and have them often. Maybe some milkshakes to get some calories into you.
And if it's any consolation my mum (who is lovely but sometimes engages mouth before brain) said 'Some people aren't very good at marriage' meaning me. My husband had walked out after having an affair!!
Good luck to you xxx

Don't respond to any messages unless it's a child related question that actually requires a response.

He doesn't sound like a good man at all.

Sadly there are women in this world who don't care if their boyfriend has a pregnant wife or GF. I call them desperate damsels.

He's been sending awful messages about being there when I have the baby - I've told him that he can't - how can I really have him with me knowing he's sleeping with someone else? Is that unreasonable? He thinks so. Apparently, he's not willing to put her on ice like a slab of meat just so I can stick a middle finger up at him.

To be honest, I'm glad he's shown his true colours - something needs to break this horrible hold he has over me - I feel like such an idiot, wishing and hoping he'll change his mind, even after all of this. I've never been anything but strong and he's made me feel like a fool and a mug and it's so shameful that I've allowed it. He really isn't anything special and I don't mean that in a horrible way, but he's just average.

@brandnewstart do you think our mothers went to the same school of tact?

@sandyy2k I am feeling resolved in not dealing with his bullshit anymore - not strong as such but just quietly determined that he won't have a hold over me anymore. He's self-pitying and unbelievably selfish.

His whole excuse is that message I sent her - he had the cheek to say we couldn't be friends anymore and was more bothered about her reaction than the fact I'd only written the truth.

I have wasted so much time on him and so much energy. I have regretted my pregnancy and feel horrifically guilty for that. I have jeopardised my health and my baby's health and I have made myself look desperate by allowing him to treat me so appallingly.

He had the cheek to say he didn't want to make small talk anymore, despite the fact he has messaged me all week making small talk - initiating conversations and then saying he still wants pictures of the children because they're the only things keeping him sane! He's something else.

I honestly feel like having you lot message me over the past few weeks has kept me (almost) on track but I have to do this last hurdle myself and be as resilient as possible because he's not coming back (wouldn't have him back now anyway), he's not going to change, and he's going to paint me as the crazed ex because that suits his agenda.

Even more amusingly, he's worried that I'll leak to her all the times we slept together just in case she didn't get that the first time... An utter self-pitying twat and I don't think much of her either.

Timing do not let him be your birthing pattern you need someone you love and care for there and who loves and cares for you. Do you have a god friend maybe? Or if there is no one in your friends and family you could consider a doula?

A god friend heck lol that’s meant to say *Good friend

@mustang27 I absolutely will not have him there now. I'm hoping for a home birth and I think my mum will have my DDs, but to be honest, if it comes to being on my own during that bit, it can't be that bad, can it?

I'm more worried that I'll end up under consultant care because of the migraines - or is that an unnecessary worry?

I re-read his messages just to see if I've overreacted or been unfair in any way - can't trust my own judgement. It's struck me how selfish he really is - how I haven't seen this before, I don't know. It's like the curtains have opened (not quite the saying but you know what I mean).

He's only bothered about himself - I have been so fair and calm and apart from that bloody emotional message I sent once, and he's trying to rewrite things again - he keeps doing this and it reminded me of how many times he's done this previously.

All I asked of him was that he just put off dating until the baby was born - we have 8 weeks and surely his priorities should have been his current parenting and preparing for the new baby, not shacking up with someone else. He was the one who said he wouldn't be seeing anyone and then he wouldn't see her. He's just full of shit.

I feel too old and shattered for this stupid shit to be so close to the birth. It's the bit afterwards that worries me - coping with a newborn, a toddler, and an 11-year-old - I had terrible post-natal anxiety with my 2-year-old and the thought of dealing with that as well as him makes me pretty terrified.

I'm mostly so cross with myself for ending up in this situation. I worked so hard to get to this point and I always said I'd never have more children after my eldest because I didn't ever want to be a single parent again and 12 years later I'm in the same position. I put myself through university with a 3-year-old and graduated with a first, worked my way up the career ladder, started my own business and I'm almost back at the beginning with an expensive degree, a bigger overdraft, a few more grey hairs, and another failed relationship...

Pity party is over. I am grieving for a fantasy and I really need to start making some proper plans (and actually buying some things for this poor baby)

On a more positive note, has anyone got any advice for the next few weeks or any (realistically) happily ever after stories to share?

I hope that in 6 month's time I'll be immune to even hearing his name.

you poor thing. you certainly don't need any more stress from him. Can you change your number or get a cheap pay as you go to text him if you have to and put it in a drawer otherwise.
He's making you ill so don't bother what the scumbag thinks. It doesn't matter. You and the baby matter.
Life will get better without him.

Yes! Time and distance are great healers. One day you will look back and wonder what you saw in him. Like tmrw?

He’s a twat, and while it hurts at least you can see him now for who he is and hopefully the anger will replace the pain pretty quickly.

He is always going to be his first priority, his messages are all about how hard things are for him even though it’s all his own making, how you are damaging his new relationship, how he wants to see his new baby born. You owe him nothing, you don’t owe him photos of the kids, you don’t need to keep him updated on the pregnancy, he doesn’t get to play the doting dad at midwife appointments and he certainly gave up his chance to be at the birth, that’s the choice he made.

If he’s painting you to be some psychotic ex to the new girlfriend, so what? You don’t need approval from someone who would knowingly start a relationship with him knowing he has a pregnant partner. Let her justify her actions, as everyone will see straight through her.

You are doing amazingly well, you are going to survive this and one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore, you will have your babies with you and he will have nothing but bitterness and regret.

Fucking hell - Im almost speechless what an utter, utter bastard. If karma truly exists I hope it lands on him from a great height. As others have said, get your support networks established. Keep coming back and talking on MN as often as you feel you have to

Please cut all contact with this man its entirely unfair for him to keep phoning you and fucking whinging. Selfish doesn't cover it. You don't need to hear his stories, he is turning the screw. You need your strength now, for you and your baby. You will get over this. Heartbreak is horrible - but it does fade in time

This is the worst I've read on here. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He is absolutely awful. You do you and make sure the DC are all ok. Do you have friends who can pack his stuff up for you and take it to his mothers?

I'm so sorry this has happened and you're hurting so much. What an awful time for you. Just a couple of practical things: I recently had a home birth and it was a wonderful experience. Having a doula helped immensely. As you - understandably- don't want him as a birth partner, might you contact Doula UK? They have an access fund:
doula.org.uk/doula-access-fund/

Also, if you are anywhere near N London, I have some bits from home birth (inca pads, towels, floor coverings etc) and from late pregnancy (raspberry leaf tea, clary sage etc) which you're welcome to have- pm me if helpful.