Is husband an alcoholic?

[Devonsea]

I'm having to post as have nobody to talk to. Everyone (friends, family, random strangers etc) thinks my husband is hilarious and lovely. He is the life and soul of everywhere we go, but to me he's a bloody nightmare!
He drinks every day and at least 4 times a week he drinks until he slurs his words and passes out drunk.
He also has to get so pissed and 'funny'/ insulting that whenever we are out that people actually look at me with pity whilst still enjoying the 'dickhead show'.
Tonight after a lovely family day he disappeared to the pub without telling me and refused to answer his phone or reply to texts when I was asking where he was. I was genuinely worried he may have been hit by a car whilst stumbling around drunk. When he did turn up at home 2 hours later he had a go at me for ringing so many times! Is he being selfish or am I being a nagging wife? I actually dread social occasions with him and feel so much more relaxed if I'm out on my own, is this normal?? He holds down a good job and doesn't seem to have hangovers but he's a different person after a drink. I only like the sober side. He's also a brilliant dad to our 4 kids. So, do I leave after 20 years of my life with him or am I overreacting?

He is a functioning alcoholic, sorry OP. Sooner he realises the better. May mean he has chance of sorting things before he wrecks things if he can somehow see it now

Thanks for replying, he's been the same for years so I can't imagine him changing. If he was drunk all of the time it would be easy to leave but just at nighttime makes it a harder decision to make.

It's not normal. You say he doesn't have hangovers like that's a good thing. It just means he has built up a tolerance.
He's not a brilliant dad if he's getting shitfaced and treating their mother like crap.
Alcohol reduces inhibitions. He's showing you who he really is.
Sorry.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

I guess it's just become normal to me. I know it's not though. so hard knowing what to do about it. Thanks for replying though.

Google Al-Anon. It will help you look after yourself and your DC.

If you have to ask if your husband is an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic. Now you have to decide if this is how you want to live, because unless he decides to change, it won't get any better.

A pile is right. You can't change his behaviour. You can only decide on your response and get support for you.
If he's driving the day after a binge he's likely to be breaking the law. Take care OP.

I'm so sorry. He certainly sounds dependent on drink from what you've written here. Does he acknowledge he has a problem? Drinking every single day is a problem, even though our culture has normalised that somewhat ('mummy needs her wine!' A glass every night etc) - and he's drinking until he slurs which is even more worrying. Apart from the alcohol intake the fact it's stressing you out this much and you're considering leaving shows it's a real problem. Your kids will be affected there's no doubt about that.

Have you ever told him directly you can't handle being with someone who drinks like this? And what does he say? If I were you I wouldn't get hung up on using the label alcoholic as he's likely to get defensive and turn it into a big argument about whether or not he's an alcoholic when his views on that are not relevant, you're not happy with his drinking at this level whether or not he sees himself as an alcoholic so stick to that, stick to cold hard facts. He drinks daily to the point of impairment and you can't have a marriage like this. Tell him you'd like to separate for a while but if he can sort out his drinking you still love and want to be together (if that's true). I think that'll work better than trying to force him to change. Just let him know you can't live with it so you're separating but if the drinking were better you'd want the marriage to work and then whether or not he changes is in his hands. He's more likely to change if he feels like it's his decision. If you try force him he'll just come out swinging like a cornered animal.

And finally, get help for you! Al anon are excellent. You can take any of your kids that are over eighteen but be careful it's their decision, don't ask them just let them know you're going and if they are also struggling with his drinking they'll know the support is there. They helped me a lot when my mum drank herself to death over a two year period when I was in my very early twenties. Just knowing that I had that hour per week with people who cared and understood got me through at times. im sorry you're dealing with this.

Yes, he is. My DH hit this stage in July after a long slide into dependency following the death of his mum 6 years ago. He is now in rehab because it was that or divorce. He has trouble believing how bad he let it get. Your DH needs to acknowledge he has a problem and then address it. If he does not, you need to go.

The 3cs of alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Like many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic. You have simply played out the usual roles here associated with the non alcoholic; namely that of provoker and enabler.

Women in such rubbish relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about him. So no, he is not a brilliant dad to these 4 children precisely because of the crap he has put them and you through. The long term effects on them are incalculable but are not good at all. Your H's primary relationship is with drink (so not you) and his next thoughts focus on where the next drink is going to come from.

Yes he is an alcoholic. He is functioning, well sort of, for now but for how long?. His alcoholism could too easily catch up with him and all sorts of consequences could follow not least of all perhaps losing his job or his liberty. How many times over the years have you made excuses and or otherwise covered for him?. People do not find him at all funny and look at you with a mix of pity and horror; they likely wonder why on earth you are still with him at all. You've basically been dragged down with him by association.

Did you grow up seeing similar in your own parents relationship?

What do you get out of this relationship, what has kept you within this for so long?. You need to be honest to yourself about the answer. What needs of yours are still being met here? Your own co-dependency issues, hope that he will somehow change and a reliance on the sunken costs fallacy perhaps (you write of having already spent 20 years of your life with him) have all played a part here. Your children are also undeniably affected by their dad's drinking (and they need support) along with your reactions to same.

Alateen are designed for younger people to talk to about problem drinking. Contacting Al-anon could help you personally as well, at the very least you need to read their literature and ideally attend their meetings.

Do you really want another year let alone a potential decade of this?. I would hope otherwise. One day your children will leave home (and will hardly ever come back to visit you either), what then for you and your H?.

Thank you all for your honest replies. I did grow up seeing my dad sometimes be really disrespectful to my mum. Not always alcohol related but sometimes it was. The thing that's keeping me here is the kids. Thinking how upset they would be if we split up. I know even as I'm writing that if a friend Was in my situation I would advise them to leave as the kids will be unhappy hearing the arguments etc. We've had some good times over the years and it's so daunting thinking of leaving as we met when I was 17. And he's messaged this morning (as usual) saying he'll stop drinking in the house unless we have people over socially. I think I need to be brave and have a little break to start with. I would hate for my kids to end up in a relationship like mine so I guess that says it all.

I'm sorry OP. I do think kids are better off around a happy parent than two arguing and one intermittently drunk parent.

at least 4 times a week he drinks until he slurs his words and passes out drunk

I would say definitely an alcoholic. Passing out drunk 4 x a week. Strangers look at you with pity? .

This is not a good example to your children. I don't want to be alarmist but there is a good chance one or more will copy this - as its normalised behaviour in the home. If it were me I'd separate for that reason alone. Its then up to him then if he sorts himself out - its really not your responsibility and you should not be enabling it or carrying this burden.

He has an alcohol problem and needs help.
You don't have to leave him, but you do have to insist the gets help before it gets worse. Expect a battle.
Well done for opening up about this, you've done the right thing.
Definitely contact al anon for support.
My ex died from alcoholism, he had cirrhosis and bled to death.

re. your comment you've had good times over the years. well thats nice, thats a good memory, and you are lucky to have these. It does not mean however you have to put up with crap for the next 20/30/40/50 or whatever. your children can still see their dad, but he will not be directly influencing them with his alcoholic drinking or distressing their mum/making her life miserable.

Agree with the others. He's a functional alcoholic.

It sounds like being free of him will make your life a lot happier. My advice is to be smart about leaving. Make an exit plan. See a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row.

Then kick him out. He isn't in the marriage as it is. He can be passed out some where else.

Devonsea

re your comment:-
"I did grow up seeing my dad sometimes be really disrespectful to my mum. Not always alcohol related but sometimes it was".

Was not surprised to read that, that is precisely why I asked you that question. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging crap about relationships and those lessons were internalised by you and thus normalised. As a result you have a not too dissimilar relationship now. You also met him at 17 and thus had no real life experience behind you.

Re your comment:-

" The thing that's keeping me here is the kids."

They are not going to say thanks mum for staying with him are they?. If you were to stay then you can and should expect your own long term relationship with any one of them to be damaged and perhaps beyond repair. They will call you weak and wonder why you put him before them. It is precisely because of them that you should be seriously considering leaving your alcoholic husband. The long term effects of an alcoholic parent on a child are many and varied, they have been harmed by seeing all this being played out in front of them. One of them could even go onto choose an alcoholic as a partner or even become one. Its therefore no legacy to leave them.

What do you think your children have learnt about relationships here from the two of you?. Alcoholics promise much and their promises more often than not come to nothing. You have simply today heard more of the same old from him. Unless your H pays more than just lip service to his alcoholism and addresses it properly there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Bargaining as he has done (especially the part about not drinking at all unless you had people over socially) never works, he should not be drinking at all or ever again.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You have a choice too re this man, your kids do not.

I have been thinking lots lately about what makes somebody an alcoholic. It''s not just about somebody in a gutter at 10am.

The AA web site says this:- "If you repeatedly drink more than you intend or want to, or if you get into trouble when you drink you may be an alcoholic. Only you can decide. No one in AA will tell you whether you are or not."

I'd say you thinking about leaving constitutes getting in to trouble. So yes, he may be an alcoholic.

I asked my DH to move out a month ago. He never got to the stage of passing out, but regularly drank a bottle of wine a night and spirits a few times a week. The problem for him was not so much the volume he consumed, but the effect it had on his personality. Some people are just really badly affected by it and become total dicks. My Dh is one, and sounds as if yours might be too.

The social thing I totally get. Toe curling, skin crawling stuff. I also get the feeling that they are a different person. That is absolutely what is happening. The alcohol is changing his personality, and not for the better!

Alcohol makes my DH depressed, anxious, needy, aggressive, verbally abusive. Things were escalating. It was becoming more difficult to keep things from our DD, who is 3. I am heart broken, but so relieved we have separated.

He hopes separation is temporary. I don't know what I think tbh. Some days I can see us getting back together 1 year or so down the line.

Some days not. It's hard. But not as hard as living with him!

I also understand what you say about him being a good Dad. Some people will say that if, for example, you are an alcoholic, you cannot also be a good Dad. I'm not sure it's that clear cut (for me, anyway). I would say my DH is a good Dad. Brilliant, in fact. He is also an alcoholic. The shit behavioural stuff when drunk is directed at me, not our DD (thank goodness, or i'd have left long ago). I know the theory goes that if he is shit to me, he can't be a good Dad, but again I just don't think it's always that black and white.

What is your financial situation? What ages are your DC?

Could you think about a temporary separation pending rehab. or AA and counselling, etc? I tried to suggest that to my DH 6 months ago and he didn't agree it would help. It is difficult to explain to the outside world, but for us we could have come up with a reasonable explanation (DH works away a lot). We are past that now, but it might be worth considering. That said, once the trust has gone, i'm not sure it's possible to get it back - but I may be wrong about that. I sort of hope I am.

It's shit but you probably do have to consider your options pretty seriously. If I had stayed with my DH, things would be just the same. Likely even worse.

Good luck OP. Your DC need you to be a tower of strength here.

As the child of an alcoholic I have to say I would have been SO happy if mum had left dad. It would have prevented years of abuse and witnessing abuse, she at least would have been happier but I also think it would have been a crunch point for dad and he would likely have gone into rehab.

She didn't. He has been bed bound for 20 years since the age of 47 due to the multiple organ issues caused by his drinking. She is his carer and is completely worn down.

Please leave. Even if you agree to go back once he's properly on the straight and narrow. Your kids will thank you for it.

FYI becoming an alcoholic isn't the only way a child of an alcoholic can develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. My sister drinks too much I feel and I'm pretty certain is addicted to codeine.

My brother and I have gone the other way and rarely drink, very reluctantly take any addictive meds only if we really have to.

I am very nervous of being around drunk people, hogmonay is my hell.

I also ended up married to a problem drinker, he didn't drink often or even very much but when he did he became very aggressive even violent. Divorced now.

Nowwheredidmyunicorngo thanks for taking the time to explain your very similar sounding story.
My kids range from 6-11 and I agree with the good parent bit. They don't see him drunk as they're in bed and they don't see me unhappy because of it. But other people's responses about having alcoholic parents etc has def made me see this all in a different light. I'm aware that as I'm so used to this situation, I see it as normal and maybe the kids know more than I realise. I know I need to change something to protect them.
I told him in anger last night I'd had enough but have said again tonight that I can't live like this and I suggest he moves out. He's gutted and not drank tonight, he's saying he's going to give up but we've been here so many times before I don't believe him.
I'm already doubting myself for overreacting to his drinking. but I know if I told my side of the family they would agree that I don't deserve to be treated badly. I think I'd be ok financially, but can't get my head around it being a long-term split at the moment.
My DH gets needy and anxious with drink too and if we are out he'd rather be off having a laugh with anybody in the room other than me. I'm now the sensible one in the corner wanting to be at home. I can imagine if he gave up he could resent me for it.
Thanks again everyone who has responded, I value everyone's opinion on this.

OP I am going to go along to an Al-anon meeting. I hope my DH is going to go to an AA meeting himself, but I will go regardless.

It might help you work through things in your mind.

Just type in your town here and the meetings will come up - www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings

Thank-you. Just looked it up and have emailed them.

Good luck OP.
I actually think the word alcoholic is unhelpful. It does make people think of someone downing a bottle of vodka for breakfast. They tend to think their relative isn't THAT bad.
I think it's more helpful to consider if drinking is a problem. Does it interfere with your relationships, work, behaviour etc?
And he won't stop unless he wants to. All the ultimatums in the world won't do a thing.

My ExH was like this. He held down a responsible job but had to drink every night. I lost count of the amount of times he was going to give up or cut down (accompanied by lots of stressing and gagging about with little rituals and replacement drinks etc) nothing ever lasted.

My main memory is of being lonely. Very lonely. He chose drink over me every evening. It made him selfish and boring. It eroded all the intimacy.

I went to al anon, it was amazing for my own personal journey through life.

Eventually we split up. I feel so sorry for his new fiancé.

I am now hyper aware of the traits that go along with alcoholism and probably always will be.

Good luck on your journey