Is husband an alcoholic?

[Devonsea]

I'm having to post as have nobody to talk to. Everyone (friends, family, random strangers etc) thinks my husband is hilarious and lovely. He is the life and soul of everywhere we go, but to me he's a bloody nightmare!
He drinks every day and at least 4 times a week he drinks until he slurs his words and passes out drunk.
He also has to get so pissed and 'funny'/ insulting that whenever we are out that people actually look at me with pity whilst still enjoying the 'dickhead show'.
Tonight after a lovely family day he disappeared to the pub without telling me and refused to answer his phone or reply to texts when I was asking where he was. I was genuinely worried he may have been hit by a car whilst stumbling around drunk. When he did turn up at home 2 hours later he had a go at me for ringing so many times! Is he being selfish or am I being a nagging wife? I actually dread social occasions with him and feel so much more relaxed if I'm out on my own, is this normal?? He holds down a good job and doesn't seem to have hangovers but he's a different person after a drink. I only like the sober side. He's also a brilliant dad to our 4 kids. So, do I leave after 20 years of my life with him or am I overreacting?

loveatthefive, yes thank you I do get what you’re saying, and you’re right about the journey. But, in hindsight I wish I had got there quicker and not suffered so much with the shame of feeling I had to keep his drinking such a secret. I felt I was being disloyal if I were to mention it to anyone else. When in reality I needed support and I needed to see it as his problem not mine.

Oh, OP. My DH is a functioning alcoholic. I gave him so many ultimatums. The last one was 5 months ago and I haven't seen him since. I have started to hint to people what the problem is, but I am so ashamed. I also think his family must know, he's been like this for years. I don't know what I think about alcoholism - what kind of illness it is. I really don't know. All I know is that it makes me and my children unhappy and that's enough. I know what you mean about the brave face. I'm sorry.

Oh, and @Attila's words are very wise. It's not a platitude and it's not patronising. It's his problem. Not yours.

Ah well, you tried, he tried, and alcohol won. At least now you can leave knowing you tried.

Everyone doesn't think he's fun. Well maybe they do but nobody will be the slightest bit surprised or judgemental about you leaving. Not that other people's opinion matters.

If he drinks that much every night there is no way he is capable of functioning as a good husband and father.

Do you know what to do next?

I've been where you are now. It was only after my alcoholic husband left that it really dawned on me how terrible my life had become and how much easier it was to raise my children without all the alcohol related drama. Set boundaries rather than give ultimatums. Decide what you and your children need to be happy. He is in the grip of an addiction but he is also a grown man and can not be forced to give up drinking. Until he finds recovery he will make endless excuses and blame everybody but himself. Don't accept any blame or believe any of his nonsense. It is really important not to allow your happiness and your children's to be dependent on the choices he makes. Good luck. Your future will be as bright as you make it. xx

Thank you, there seems to be a lot of people who have been through similar situations and it really helps to hear the stories. I don't know what my next step will be, I know I need to brave going to al-anon and I'm going to confide in a friend too. I know I've got tough times ahead, but the support on here is getting me through. Xxx

You will be warmly welcomed in Al Anon, op, and it will help you enormously.

How was your Christmas devonsea I have been thinking of you. Your thread was so sad. I wish you all the best with 2018. I hope you're doing OK.

Hi, thank you Nongodess for your good wishes.
We had Christmas and there were some good days and many drunk days too.
He's said he's going to cut down now but is drunk right now so I know that won't happen.
I know I need to leave but feel so guilty that this is an illness and I wouldn't be leaving if it was a physical illness.
He's reluctant to get any professional help, so I don't think he even thinks he has a problem.
I can't say when I'll get the courage to do something.. I guess when I can take it no more.

You know what? I think you're doing all your grieving now, before you leave, and when you go, it'll be a huge relief. Whenever I've agonized over a decision like this, when I finally do it, it's never been regretted. Svc that's what I think you're doing. You're grieving while you're still there.

Line up your ducks. Keep what if-ing. One day, you'll be good to go and you'll have thought out all through in advance. Keep thinking. You already know the answers.

I’m having similar problems with my husband. I started my own thread. He doesn’t drink as much as your husband... yet. But I see a lot of similarities. Two men who are not horrible or abusive but can’t seem to moderate their drinking or get their priorities straight. No advice but thinking of you

Please don't stay with an alcoholic spouse out of misplaced feelings of guilt. Alcoholism may be an illness, but he has choices and so do you. Your first priority needs to be your children's and your own health and happiness. Is living with a drunken father/spouse really what's best for you all? It may be that when you leave he'll reach rock bottom and get sober. Or he may not. He'll make his own choices. You don't control his drinking and you can't cure him.

So, an update.. it got to breaking point for me just after my last post in Jan and I could no longer sleep, and was so worried and consumed by this huge problem that he actually noticed his drinking was doing some damage.
He cut down loads on the drinking and I stopped trying to control it.
Now the last few weeks the dreaded red wine has reappeared and the lying and the getting drunk every night but I'm not allowed to mention it otherwise I'm nagging again.
I've since discovered his sister is exactly the same and drinks loads every day and has done some very regrettable things when drunk lately.
I know I have a choice to leave or stay but the real thing for me is what makes people stop drinking? Is there ever anything anyone can do to help the person stop? I think the trust is fast diminishing so even if he stopped I don't know if I'd believe him now anyway.

It would be divorce time for me. You have given him many opportunities to address his addiction. He chooses alcohol over you, you need to choose a better life for you and your kids. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. You can end it here.

Please re read your thread. So many people have given you advice and so many have said the same thing.
There is nothing you can do to help him stop.
I wish you well💐

He’ll stop when he wants to. He doesn’t want to. His relationship with alcohol is more important to him than his relationship with you or the children. You can be free of his alcoholism, but it likely means no longer being with him.

Have you tried Al-Anon?

Have a look on their website www.al-anonuk.org.uk where you can find a meeting near to where you live and if you can't get to a meeting, you can listen to podcasts of people who are going through exactly what you are going through. Listen to the similarities and not for the differences. Their helpline is 0207 403 0888.

As well intentioned as your friends in real life may be, there is no way they would understand what you are going through.

Well done on stopping trying to control his drinking. You can't. However, it is good that you accept that alcoholism is an illness. You can only take care of yourself; it sounds like you have hit your rock bottom.

He has to hit his rock bottom to do the same......

Sorry I didn't see updates until now.

Sounds like things are worse. Sorry but I do not understand why you're still with him.

You can't make an addict stop, it just doesn't work like that unfortunately they have to acknowledge the addiction and want to stop themselves.

DevonSea - you started this thread nearly 6 months ago. Your life has been a rollercoaster since then. Nothing has changed, he hasn't changed and he won't.

Can you continue to live this way?

DevonSea addicts change when they are ready to. You cannot make him change, you are powerless over his addiction. And by staying and keeping the household going, you are enabling him. Please go to al-anon for the support you deserve. Do not let this continue.