Am I within my rights to feel irritated by DH's behaviour?

[lunamarie]

So basically, we have a decent marriage - it's had its ups and downs over the 20+ years we have been together, but we get on pretty well.

But DH is grating on me with a few certain things.

Sometimes, when I am doing bit of housework, (if he is there,) he watches me and smiles, with his head titled. When I say 'what are you smiling at?' he says, 'you just look so cute doing the housework, just tootling around with the duster. Makes me proud of my little wifey seeing you look after our house.' (We are both in our 40's, with grown kids, and we both work - me 24 hours a week, him 35, flexi time.)

Then I get occasions when we are talking, whilst having a coffee in starbucks or the like, and I start talking about something serious - terrorism, or climate change, or endangered animals. When I am in full swing, he just starts smiling at me, and tilts his head (again!) and sighs gently... I say 'WHAT?!' He says 'you just look so cute today!'

I am thinking 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I was talking about something serious and giving my views and opinions, and he is basically saying what a fucking fluffy rabbit I am. I have said to him before, 'what the hell, I was in the middle of talking then.' And he gives the fucking head-tilt and a simpering smile, and then sighs, and says 'awww but you're so cute.'

Also when I am eating, (sometimes, ) he will just look at me and say I look 'cute' when I am eating! I feel quite self conscious of people watching me eating, and it makes me cringe when he says this!

Then there are occasions - at least once or twice weekly, when I will be doing the washing up, (or ironing,) and he will suddenly grab me from behind, and hug me, or nuzzle my neck, or grab my boobs. (Sometimes all at the same time!)

And there are other times when I am say, typing on my laptop, and he will just suddenly appear and kiss me on the head, or pat me on the head, and say 'Love you!' AND there are times when I am trying to walk out of the room and he stops me and says 'not til I get a kiss,' and literally grabs me and pushes his face against mine, (like 2 inches away,) and just stares into my eyes, saying 'I love yooooo.'

And other times, he just kneels down by the armchair I am sitting on, and puts his face right up close to mine and looks doe-eyed at me, and says 'LOVE you!'

I feel like a bit of a cow, but I am so fucked off with this obsessively touchy feely behaviour. Through his 20s and 30s he wasn't very affectionate and touchy feely but I wasn't that bothered tbh as I am not either. (Only with the kids and the cats!) I do not know what's driving this, and I have said a few times that I think it's a bit much, and he has got huffy and said 'can I not even be affectionate with my own wife?!'

I do love him and care about him, and most of the time he is actually OK, and he is a good dad, a good husband, and a good provider, but this side of him is pissing me right off!

I suppose in some ways, I should be grateful I have a man who is affectionate, but he really does grate on me at times. On the occasions I do say it's annoying me, he comes out with the usual line... ' what's wrong with wanting to be affectionate with my own WIFE? ' And 'you never USED to complain about me grabbing you etc.'

Whenever he does it now (which is quite often,) I find myself feeling more irritated each time. And when he gropes me from behind, I feel myself tense up.

Am I being a bitch? Or would all this piss you off too?! It's like, I know I am his 'wife,' but I am not a fucking toy for him to play with, and I would like to air my views on serious issues, without him grinning at me and saying I am a cute fucking fluffy kitten!

(We have a reasonably healthy and satisfactory sex life by the way. And always have had...)

YANBU, 'cute' is inappropriate.

He probably means it in a "I find you adorable" sort of way but the way you describe it, it sounds quite patronising. Does he consider himself superior to you in intelligence?

Mine does that, but to tease me. I get my own back

Actually I just re-read your OP. He luffs you!

It's certainly not unreasonable and you are well within your rights to be irritated by his behaviours, especially his grabbing / gropping of you, it's like he thinks he owns you so can do as he likes with you, that alone would drive me to distraction and involve very stern words, without all the rest which is also patronising at the very least! I'd try having a serious conversation about it with him at a time when its not just happened so hopefully you're not feeling as irritated about it, if he doesn't agree to moderate his behaviour, then I'd be thinking of a more serious consequence as would be totally disrespecting, and edging into abuse, to continue when he knows clearly how you feel

The housework one: as soon as you see him watching you, say 'ooh, can you take over this for me, please? Just need to go and check something..' Pass him the duster and go and disappear to read your book or something.

@Softkittysillykitty, he doesn't SAY he considers himself above me in intelligence, but I think deep down that he does.

It just seems a tad misogynistic to shut me down when I am talking about something important or serious and tell me what a cute bunny I am. I know he loves me, but this OTT behaviour is grating on me.

Gives me the rage actually.

I find the behaviour quite patronising to be honest.

The housework one: as soon as you see him watching you, say 'ooh, can you take over this for me, please? Just need to go and check something..' Pass him the duster and go and disappear to read your book or something.

LOL, and then come back and say 'you look sooo cute dusting!'

It's certainly not unreasonable and you are well within your rights to be irritated by his behaviours, especially his grabbing / gropping of you, it's like he thinks he owns you so can do as he likes with you, that alone would drive me to distraction and involve very stern words, without all the rest which is also patronising at the very least! I'd try having a serious conversation about it with him at a time when its not just happened so hopefully you're not feeling as irritated about it, if he doesn't agree to moderate his behaviour, then I'd be thinking of a more serious consequence as would be totally disrespecting, and edging into abuse, to continue when he knows clearly how you feel

Thanks @adarajames.

This would irritate me too. a lot. I couldn't be with someone who expected to be able to invade my space and demand attention at any time like a dog does. Ex used to shove his face in front of mine and kiss me or demand kisses (in the most irritating whiny "I neeeeed a kiiiiiiiss" voice). HUGE turnoff and he also would get offended if I said I didn't like it. Remember one time he leaned over and breathed in then kissed/nibbled my ear and I shoved him off because I hate the feeling of my ears being touched. He responded by being upset that he 'wasn't allowed to touch me'. I so feel you.

Maybe it's time to establish new boundaries. Sounds like he adores you but sees you a bit as his property which needs to be addressed.

YABU. You are just over thinking this a bit. It would seem that he is just becoming very touchy felt as you said while you are becoming less so. It doesn't mean that he doesn't take you seriously or anything else Luke that.

YABU for visiting Starbucks. It is not cute or clever.

He might 'luff' you but it doesn't sound like he respects you.

Unwanted touch is assault and I would remind him of that. And the housework one is easily solved by handing him the duster. The in the face stuff? Cough, with some conviction.

@bigbluedustbin

This would irritate me too. a lot. I couldn't be with someone who expected to be able to invade my space and demand attention at any time like a dog does. Ex used to shove his face in front of mine and kiss me or demand kisses (in the most irritating whiny "I neeeeed a kiiiiiiiss" voice). HUGE turnoff and he also would get offended if I said I didn't like it. Remember one time he leaned over and breathed in then kissed/nibbled my ear and I shoved him off because I hate the feeling of my ears being touched. He responded by being upset that he 'wasn't allowed to touch me'. I so feel you.

Thank you.

Glad to see I am not the only one.

@softkittysillykitty

Maybe it's time to establish new boundaries. Sounds like he adores you but sees you a bit as his property which needs to be addressed.

Good point. I think he does see me as his property, and he does think I am his to 'play' with. But I don't think he is doing anything out of spite or malice, or to deliberately piss me off. But it does piss me off. Especially when I have told him - quite a few times - to stop.

Thing is, I don't think he sees he is doing anything wrong. (Suppose he isn't technically, but he is irking me.)

So hard to know what to do about it. Especially as I have addressed it before and he isn't taking anything on board that I have mentioned.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Unwanted touch is assault and I would remind him of that. And the housework one is easily solved by handing him the duster. The in the face stuff? Cough, with some conviction.

LOL. Maybe I WILL do that, cough in his face! And I really wish I could muster up a fart when he is grabbing me from behind. A really wet stinky one!

I find it difficult to believe this thread OP. Seriously? After 20+ years of marriage he is saying this shit to you and you are putting up with this shit???

I don't believe this is real.

That's entirely up to you @TwitterQueen1 if you choose to not believe me.

Feel free to leave the thread.

This sounds like the poster who's DP was always holding her hand and stroking her even when eating.

Not sure if it got deleted or not. Is it you op?

So pick on something you know will irritate the shit out of him if you've told him to stop and he won't. Or point out its pathetic and a turnoff.

@fucksakefay

Why has he started this now if he hasn't always been like this ? When did it start? It didn't happen to coincide with your kids growing up and you returning to the workplace more did it?

I don't know why he is being like this, when he never used to be. (He would have his moments, but was nothing like this!) It has been more since the kids left childhood yes. I am at work no more, and have been 24 hours a week for many years.

Sometimes you need to remind those closest to you that intimacy is a gift not a right. Having to repeatedly say "no" to being grabbed and for him not to respect you the first time is disrespectful. He is behaving like an overindulged child.

Yeah, I'm with you on this, I'd have to restrain myself from knocking his block off and the phrase " just fuck off" would be uttered loudly and often. I can't be doing with sloppy clingy affection. Tell him to grow up and stop being so clingy.

Do you know what's causing it, the change in behaviour? Could he be having an affair and he's over compensating?

It sounds a bit weird if he’s started behaving like that recently. It’d annoy me too.

Sit him down and have a chat about it and ask him about the change in his behaviour.

I was going to say that I thought you were unreasonable but I’d actually find all of that really annoying too if he wasn’t previously like that.

@Amystiara

No that's not me, and I didn't see that thread. The man sounds a bit like my DH though. I would like to see that thread. Anyone got a link?!

So pick on something you know will irritate the shit out of him if you've told him to stop and he won't. Or point out its pathetic and a turnoff.

OP he clearly is doing it deliberately if you've told him it pisses you off and he's still doing it. It would drive me insane.