Am I within my rights to feel irritated by DH's behaviour?

[lunamarie]

So basically, we have a decent marriage - it's had its ups and downs over the 20+ years we have been together, but we get on pretty well.

But DH is grating on me with a few certain things.

Sometimes, when I am doing bit of housework, (if he is there,) he watches me and smiles, with his head titled. When I say 'what are you smiling at?' he says, 'you just look so cute doing the housework, just tootling around with the duster. Makes me proud of my little wifey seeing you look after our house.' (We are both in our 40's, with grown kids, and we both work - me 24 hours a week, him 35, flexi time.)

Then I get occasions when we are talking, whilst having a coffee in starbucks or the like, and I start talking about something serious - terrorism, or climate change, or endangered animals. When I am in full swing, he just starts smiling at me, and tilts his head (again!) and sighs gently... I say 'WHAT?!' He says 'you just look so cute today!'

I am thinking 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I was talking about something serious and giving my views and opinions, and he is basically saying what a fucking fluffy rabbit I am. I have said to him before, 'what the hell, I was in the middle of talking then.' And he gives the fucking head-tilt and a simpering smile, and then sighs, and says 'awww but you're so cute.'

Also when I am eating, (sometimes, ) he will just look at me and say I look 'cute' when I am eating! I feel quite self conscious of people watching me eating, and it makes me cringe when he says this!

Then there are occasions - at least once or twice weekly, when I will be doing the washing up, (or ironing,) and he will suddenly grab me from behind, and hug me, or nuzzle my neck, or grab my boobs. (Sometimes all at the same time!)

And there are other times when I am say, typing on my laptop, and he will just suddenly appear and kiss me on the head, or pat me on the head, and say 'Love you!' AND there are times when I am trying to walk out of the room and he stops me and says 'not til I get a kiss,' and literally grabs me and pushes his face against mine, (like 2 inches away,) and just stares into my eyes, saying 'I love yooooo.'

And other times, he just kneels down by the armchair I am sitting on, and puts his face right up close to mine and looks doe-eyed at me, and says 'LOVE you!'

I feel like a bit of a cow, but I am so fucked off with this obsessively touchy feely behaviour. Through his 20s and 30s he wasn't very affectionate and touchy feely but I wasn't that bothered tbh as I am not either. (Only with the kids and the cats!) I do not know what's driving this, and I have said a few times that I think it's a bit much, and he has got huffy and said 'can I not even be affectionate with my own wife?!'

I do love him and care about him, and most of the time he is actually OK, and he is a good dad, a good husband, and a good provider, but this side of him is pissing me right off!

I suppose in some ways, I should be grateful I have a man who is affectionate, but he really does grate on me at times. On the occasions I do say it's annoying me, he comes out with the usual line... ' what's wrong with wanting to be affectionate with my own WIFE? ' And 'you never USED to complain about me grabbing you etc.'

Whenever he does it now (which is quite often,) I find myself feeling more irritated each time. And when he gropes me from behind, I feel myself tense up.

Am I being a bitch? Or would all this piss you off too?! It's like, I know I am his 'wife,' but I am not a fucking toy for him to play with, and I would like to air my views on serious issues, without him grinning at me and saying I am a cute fucking fluffy kitten!

(We have a reasonably healthy and satisfactory sex life by the way. And always have had...)

Have to say this would bug me too, my husband can be a bit too OTT but no this bad and he does leave me alone when i ask him to. It's nice occasionally but too much just feels smothering (to me at least)

This thread makes for an interesting difference to the ones where the woman complains that their partner doesnt touch/hug/kiss etc.

Its clear each relationship needs to set proper boundaries about this kind of thing. DP and I are very tactile so are always reaching for a touch, hug or kiss even if we are just passing in a corridor. You need to tell him to be not as affectionate as this level is annoying to you.

Death stare.
Eye contact.
'Please stop doing'........... whatever fuckwit's done now.
'I don't like it.It makes me uncomfortable.You may think it's being affectionate but I see it more as being very disrespectfull.Iknow that.I.'m your wife but that does not give you the right to keep mauling me.Also STOP with the cutsey wootsey nonsense.It doesn't make me feel good,it makes me want to barf.
If you keep on with this pestering,you and me are going to fall out.
Now,if you're going to sulk please do it elsewhere'.

You need a serious conversation and make sure he takes it in. If not pull him up on it each and every time.

I don't know why, but I read your thread and thought, 'I bet he's having an affair.'

It's like he making up for it by being special nice to you.

If you cannot talk to him about this and have him take you seriously, write him a letter. Tell him how you feel. Don't bite his head off though. Ask him to write a letter back. Just an idea. If you can share it on here, surely you can do the same with him.

God, my piss is at 100° and bubbling frantically just reading this!

It sounds AWFUL.

Absolutely zero tolerance, talk to him about it and then call him on it EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Ignore manipulative sulky responses.

As for calling you cute? I would say "cute is not a word that makes me feel sexual".

Maybe print off a photo of a kitten and copy it next to your photo with cute / not cute, and hand it out as a reminder every time.

What Rogue Biscuit said, with bells on!!! My P has continually forced his 'affection' on me and it's only been the past 3 years or so that I have realised that he is acting like an entitled child, and sulks/blames when he is rejected. Same with sex. I find being cuddled whilst mid-chore (that he really should have done actually, because I was the one then working), was really fucking annoying and undermining. He would try and pin me down in bed for a 'cuddle' when I was trying to get up andhave a desperately needed wee/feed a baby /get myself ready for work, and walk into the bathroom to talk about things (about me) that bother him, whilst I was trying to wash and put on my make up (if I was semi naked, he would try to grope me). I have told him that the behaviour is unacceptable. He denies that he ever did this and is now being 'good'. He still grabs my feet and rubs them (unwanted) and demands cuddles, and I loathe this - but I am not in a position to leave right now. This behaviour, and other forms of EA, really, really put me off him and I am desperate for a way out! You ar WELL within your rights to be irritated, patronised and to practice your karate chopping hand on his nads

If he says the "Not allowed to touch my wife" line, rephrase it. "No, you cannot keep pawing me."

He is belittling you and treating you like property, not nice.

I havent read the whole thread but your opening post wound me up on your behalf. He seems to think you are a pet. A useful pet mo doubt but cute, decorative, grrrr

I think there could be something else going on in his life eg at work, which is affecting his self esteem - so he takes opportunities to belittle you, or to turn you into a child or a toy of his. Which makes him feel better about himself.
Is he balding or is he older or unfit compared to his workmates or friends.
You could change your image OP. Get a cleaner, go out more, dress to impress . That might be a wake up call for him to stop the condescension.

DH went through a 'groping' stage a few years back... followed by the sulk of I just wanted to show you some affection when I complained.
We had a frank and honest discussion about boundaries and to be honest not a lot changed. He just couldn't see how I felt.

So I started doing it back...

Have a rummage through the freezer or wait till my hands were really cold then grab him. Hard enough for it to not be affectionate but not enough for him to complain. Then I refused to speak to him for a few minutes after he complained.
I gave him a nipple tweak in Tesco cos 'the aisle was deserted and I can if I want cos he's my husband'

I'm ashamed of my behaviour, but it only took a week before he saw the light, apologised and he's never done it since.

I understand you, in appropriate situations my DH is oblivious and doesn't notice I exist.

Other times he acts silly and childish and grabs me but uses words and phrases that sound very odd coming out of a grown man.

I'd like to have a grown up conversation and us both be into each other because we respect our views and values and ideals. I like smart, articulate hard working men, which he totally is. It's like he switches off at home though.

Thanks for all the posts everyone.

@Roguebiscuit and @spangleknickers your stories were a bit and they did resonate with me. My DH is much like this sometimes.

In answer to people saying is he having an affair? I don't think so. And he has been behaving like this for a few years now.

But yeah the groping and cuddling and also wanting a cuddle before I leave the room is crazy annoying. I am quite stunned, but also pleased in a way, that it's not just me. I am also sick of the 'can I not even touch my wife?' bollocks too.

And I am also gobsmacked to see women saying they also have husbands who want to grope and grab and prod, and think it's OK. And then sulk when you push them away. Horrible, controlling, passive aggressive behaviour.

Thing is, he generally has only two moods. His grumpy, miserable, arsey 'brings the whole mood of the house down' mood. Or the OTT, grabbing me and saying 'I wubs you, gimme a kiss/cuddle, let me grope you' mood.

Both moods are equally as annoying, and both moods stress me out.

So his moods control your moods. That is really controlling behaviour.

He isn't an idiot, he Knows the effect this has on you.

Challenge every time he does this, reframe his words every time.

I am trying to deal with DHs bad moods by not giving them headspace. Which is something I didn't understand until I read an article about anxiety recently, it is not willpower which controls hs but it is having interesting things in your life that you enjoy so when someone tries to dump there anger on you it has zilch effect as your mind is busy with things you love
and enjoy.
DH seems to be being angry (usually over trivia beyond our control) less often as he isn't getting the upset angry response from me. I also say to myself 'you are not f ing winding me up mate'. grin
If possible when he tries groping hand him a tea towel or pen or whatever you are busy with yourself.

Both moods are designed I think to place you exactly where he wants you to be/believes you should be. Secondary to him and as something that he wons

Op it's quite clear that abuse is happening in your marriage, both sexually and emotionally. The one thing that is certain about abuse is that it always gets worse.

What are the consequence for his horrible moods and sexual assaults? Really think about that. I personally wouldn't have sex with him anymore and I would tell him why.

God I'd find that unbelievably annoying and also extremely unattractive. He sounds awful tbh.

Is he ever just normal and pleasant to be with? You seem to be saying hardly ever. In which case he sounds like massively hard work. I feel exhausted thinking about it. Never mind sex, I don't think I'd want to be around him at all.