Am I within my rights to feel irritated by DH's behaviour?

[lunamarie]

So basically, we have a decent marriage - it's had its ups and downs over the 20+ years we have been together, but we get on pretty well.

But DH is grating on me with a few certain things.

Sometimes, when I am doing bit of housework, (if he is there,) he watches me and smiles, with his head titled. When I say 'what are you smiling at?' he says, 'you just look so cute doing the housework, just tootling around with the duster. Makes me proud of my little wifey seeing you look after our house.' (We are both in our 40's, with grown kids, and we both work - me 24 hours a week, him 35, flexi time.)

Then I get occasions when we are talking, whilst having a coffee in starbucks or the like, and I start talking about something serious - terrorism, or climate change, or endangered animals. When I am in full swing, he just starts smiling at me, and tilts his head (again!) and sighs gently... I say 'WHAT?!' He says 'you just look so cute today!'

I am thinking 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I was talking about something serious and giving my views and opinions, and he is basically saying what a fucking fluffy rabbit I am. I have said to him before, 'what the hell, I was in the middle of talking then.' And he gives the fucking head-tilt and a simpering smile, and then sighs, and says 'awww but you're so cute.'

Also when I am eating, (sometimes, ) he will just look at me and say I look 'cute' when I am eating! I feel quite self conscious of people watching me eating, and it makes me cringe when he says this!

Then there are occasions - at least once or twice weekly, when I will be doing the washing up, (or ironing,) and he will suddenly grab me from behind, and hug me, or nuzzle my neck, or grab my boobs. (Sometimes all at the same time!)

And there are other times when I am say, typing on my laptop, and he will just suddenly appear and kiss me on the head, or pat me on the head, and say 'Love you!' AND there are times when I am trying to walk out of the room and he stops me and says 'not til I get a kiss,' and literally grabs me and pushes his face against mine, (like 2 inches away,) and just stares into my eyes, saying 'I love yooooo.'

And other times, he just kneels down by the armchair I am sitting on, and puts his face right up close to mine and looks doe-eyed at me, and says 'LOVE you!'

I feel like a bit of a cow, but I am so fucked off with this obsessively touchy feely behaviour. Through his 20s and 30s he wasn't very affectionate and touchy feely but I wasn't that bothered tbh as I am not either. (Only with the kids and the cats!) I do not know what's driving this, and I have said a few times that I think it's a bit much, and he has got huffy and said 'can I not even be affectionate with my own wife?!'

I do love him and care about him, and most of the time he is actually OK, and he is a good dad, a good husband, and a good provider, but this side of him is pissing me right off!

I suppose in some ways, I should be grateful I have a man who is affectionate, but he really does grate on me at times. On the occasions I do say it's annoying me, he comes out with the usual line... ' what's wrong with wanting to be affectionate with my own WIFE? ' And 'you never USED to complain about me grabbing you etc.'

Whenever he does it now (which is quite often,) I find myself feeling more irritated each time. And when he gropes me from behind, I feel myself tense up.

Am I being a bitch? Or would all this piss you off too?! It's like, I know I am his 'wife,' but I am not a fucking toy for him to play with, and I would like to air my views on serious issues, without him grinning at me and saying I am a cute fucking fluffy kitten!

(We have a reasonably healthy and satisfactory sex life by the way. And always have had...)

Nope. This also does my head in. I wish I knew the answer. In my case I'm lucky as we don't live together, so when it becomes unbearable, I suggest we don't see each other.

OP I feel your pain! X

Jesus, this would drive me fucking berserk.
How patronising. And why is he talking like a character out of Care Bears?
I think I'd vom. Or poke him in the eye.

@lunamarie I get this with my OH. It's like some kind of performance art. I'm a tactile open woman but this behaviour just makes me want to hibernate. Don't know why, but I can't stand it. I'm happy with PDAs and very outgoing/demonstrative but there's something about the behavioural traits you've described which feel proprietorial. Turns me cold, honestly, but no idea why!

I feel for you. Except that my DH has always been extremely touchy-feely. I can remember times when I got up from the chair desperate for a wee, only to find the door blocked by him wanting a hug.
Mumsnet educated me! And I called him out. Every time he trampled on my boundaries, or made hurt comments about how 'important touch is.' I told him it wasn't okay to force unwanted affection on me.
OP, take zero tolerance to unwanted touching. And definitely don't buy into his self-pity. If he 'loves' you, he should respect your boundaries. Tell him you only want to shag someone who shows interest in you as a person.

Hey @gingergenuis and @walkentalk. Thanks for that;

I know right!!!

I mean, I am not unloving and uncaring at all, and I can be affectionate, but I am not an overly affectionate and tactile person (only with the kids and cats!) But HE never was either. (He was not cold or horrid, but just not squishy and sloppy vom )

(And as I said we do have sex.)

So I am not against affection per se, just this weird shit he throws against me. Touchy feely, inappropriate times, when I am washing up FFS, or going to the loo, and licking the back of my neck, and pinning me against the wall, and as I said, acting patronising and saying 'awww, cutesy wootsie wumman....' when I am being serious (and saying something intelligent.)

I don't get it and I know that other women say they have men who are the same (or an EX that was,) maybe that's why they're an ex!

@meripenopause

I feel for you. Except that my DH has always been extremely touchy-feely. I can remember times when I got up from the chair desperate for a wee, only to find the door blocked by him wanting a hug.

YEP this is him. I am just walking to the kitchen for a glass of water, or to the bathroom, and he 'wants a hug!' or a big fucking sloppy kiss.

Why why why? Why do men do this? Do women behave like this? Maybe some do eh? But it seems to be men more.. Is it neediness? Desperate to show their affection? Wanting a shag?

Mumsnet educated me! And I called him out. Every time he trampled on my boundaries, or made hurt comments about how 'important touch is.' I told him it wasn't okay to force unwanted affection on me. OP, take zero tolerance to unwanted touching. And definitely don't buy into his self-pity. If he 'loves' you, he should respect your boundaries. Tell him you only want to shag someone who shows interest in you as a person.

Good points. Only I have called him out before and he sulks like a spoilt brat. As I said before, I wonder if he has read some weird 'how to treat your woman' stuff!' And why do they see it as rejection if you don't fall at their feet when they grope you and want a hug or a smooch?! And WHY do they think you are cold and unfeeling if you sigh and look fed up when he goes all cutesy?

I don't mind love and affection, but all this is just too much.

Loving these stories - you are all making me feel better. Thank you.

I am under the impression he thinks the grabby and gropey stuff is somehow going to 'turn me on'

I have my DH do similar things and my response is "I don't find that attractive". Usually results in him putting on a sulky face and walking off saying "I've been rejected"

@SandyY2K I get this too! I've just put it down to the fact that I am, ultimately, a grumpy old bitch because apparently it's the highest form of flattery when your OP gropes you but I just find it creepy, invasive and annoying. So glad it's not just me. Maybe it's a menopause thing???

I have also asked my DH not to grab my boobs while washing the dishes...... he doesn't listen.

I've said I'll start grabbing his junk if he carries on doing it.

It can be pretty annoying. I know exactly what you mean. I also get my nightie pulled up when he knows I haven't got any knickers on.

@gingergenius

Crazy isn't it. What's even more annoying is when he does it and I've not got a bra on.

@lunamarie
I am under the impression he thinks the grabby and gropey stuff is somehow going to 'turn me on'

@SandyY2K
I have my DH do similar things and my response is "I don't find that attractive". Usually results in him putting on a sulky face and walking off saying "I've been rejected"

@gingergenius

I get this too! I've just put it down to the fact that I am, ultimately, a grumpy old bitch because apparently it's the highest form of flattery when your OP gropes you but I just find it creepy, invasive and annoying. So glad it's not just me. Maybe it's a menopause thing

Yep with you both! It is creepy and invasive and annoying.

As I said, I am so glad it's not just me!

Sandy, I HATE it when he grabs my boobs when I have no bra on, and kind of pinches my nipples.

He thinks it will get me going.

No ... it just makes me want to knock him out.

I was also wondering if he had read some weird fucking misogynistic shit like 'how to turn your wife on!' Like 'be passionate with her and shove her against the sink and push your erection against her and shove your tongue in her ear, and she will be panting and moaning with pleasure.'

OP has he actually done this?!

I was going to suggest ignoring him when he sulks so he learns that his moods don't get him anywhere, but you really shouldn't have to be training a grown man in the manner you would a child or a pet. Tell him to cut it out or you're off.

Sandy, I HATE it when he grabs my boobs when I have no bra on, and kind of pinches my nipples.

If you have told him you dislike this and he is still continuing to do it then you are being assaulted. It is absolutely not acceptable behaviour.

@Northandsouth

Yeah he has done that. Although it's rare. But the unwanted smooching and touching and groping is a few times a week.

Step back onto his foot when he does it. If you can somehow flick washing up water into his face as well, go for that. As well as saying 'ARGH - oh it's you, I've told you I don't like that.'

Could you respond really sarkily? Like "Ooh my little lovekins, are you mummy's special boy?" Surely that would be a massive turn off for him (I hope) and you could demonstrate how he is making you feel with this cutesy shit.

I don't know what to say about the grabbing tbh that is beyond the pale. Could you seriously sit him down and show him one of those videos explaining consent to teenagers and say you're worried he doesn't seem to grasp it?

And the key part of "am I not allowed to xyz my own wife" is AGAINST HER WILL which you need to emphasize every time.

Tell him in Saudi Arabia he would be allowed but in this country women are legally allowed to say no... perhaps he should get a dog?

That would drive me nuts.

I'd probably reply "Don't be a pillock. If you've got nowt better to do, the skirting boards need a wipe."

@buttermuffin

That sounds like a plan!

@Ginerva and @pickachew

Yeah maybe saying equally wanky things may work. Then again, he may be even worse!!!

And yeah he does need to learn about boundaries, but he has this weird ingrained idea that because i am his WIFE, he somehow has the right, and there is something 'wrong' with me if I don't respond as he sees fit.

I'd probably respond the same way to the grabbing.

Is he American or just been watching too many sloppy American movies?

@llangennith

Ha ha, neither American OR been watching sloppy movies!

I don't know why he is as he is, but is is hella annoying!

I also get the " So I'm not allowed to touch my wife" said to me.

Amazing the similarities. I have turned round from the sink with a sharp piece of cutlery in my hand on occasion.

I think what would irritate me most is the condescension "ickle wife using big words" bollocks

This maybe overanalytical - but based on a sudden change in behaviour (which is usually a red flag/smoke screen for something else) do you think he could be having an affair?

He is touching you/grabbing you in a way he knows will lead to you rejecting him - but he still keeps doing it. This is an easy self-justification for a man who is having or wants to pursue an affair. "It's not my fault. I wanted affection and she kept pushing me away".

This plus the "cute" stuff could be a distraction - him feeling guilty and trying to placate you or distract you.

But to answer your original question -yes of course you are within your rights - he sounds REALLY annoying.

This is a set up. He's choosing to grope you knowing you don't like it then choosing to sulk when you rightfully object. You're the bad guy and he's the good guy just trying to be affectionate. Just No. Frankly it's abusive and I'd call it out for abuse every single time. His belief that he can touch you whenever he wants is abusive also. What you're experiencing is not affection but him asserting his right to touch you whenever he likes. Whether you like it or not doesn't matter.

My ex was exactly the same, the groping, not letting me leave a room without a forced hug, the daft staring. It gradually got worse and he would come in when I was in the shower and letch at me, or letch when I was getting ready for bed. Each incident was the same , I would object and he would sulk. I thought it was about affection and I was very wrong.

Eventually the sulking led to shouting, to screaming, to violence and full on assaults. Looking back I should have kicked him out when it reached the stage your talking about. It's not ok to have a man in the house who thinks it's up to him whether you can leave a room or not, or who thinks he can touch your books whenever he likes. Or who thinks he's entitled to emotionally abuse you because you object.