Am I within my rights to feel irritated by DH's behaviour?

[lunamarie]

So basically, we have a decent marriage - it's had its ups and downs over the 20+ years we have been together, but we get on pretty well.

But DH is grating on me with a few certain things.

Sometimes, when I am doing bit of housework, (if he is there,) he watches me and smiles, with his head titled. When I say 'what are you smiling at?' he says, 'you just look so cute doing the housework, just tootling around with the duster. Makes me proud of my little wifey seeing you look after our house.' (We are both in our 40's, with grown kids, and we both work - me 24 hours a week, him 35, flexi time.)

Then I get occasions when we are talking, whilst having a coffee in starbucks or the like, and I start talking about something serious - terrorism, or climate change, or endangered animals. When I am in full swing, he just starts smiling at me, and tilts his head (again!) and sighs gently... I say 'WHAT?!' He says 'you just look so cute today!'

I am thinking 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I was talking about something serious and giving my views and opinions, and he is basically saying what a fucking fluffy rabbit I am. I have said to him before, 'what the hell, I was in the middle of talking then.' And he gives the fucking head-tilt and a simpering smile, and then sighs, and says 'awww but you're so cute.'

Also when I am eating, (sometimes, ) he will just look at me and say I look 'cute' when I am eating! I feel quite self conscious of people watching me eating, and it makes me cringe when he says this!

Then there are occasions - at least once or twice weekly, when I will be doing the washing up, (or ironing,) and he will suddenly grab me from behind, and hug me, or nuzzle my neck, or grab my boobs. (Sometimes all at the same time!)

And there are other times when I am say, typing on my laptop, and he will just suddenly appear and kiss me on the head, or pat me on the head, and say 'Love you!' AND there are times when I am trying to walk out of the room and he stops me and says 'not til I get a kiss,' and literally grabs me and pushes his face against mine, (like 2 inches away,) and just stares into my eyes, saying 'I love yooooo.'

And other times, he just kneels down by the armchair I am sitting on, and puts his face right up close to mine and looks doe-eyed at me, and says 'LOVE you!'

I feel like a bit of a cow, but I am so fucked off with this obsessively touchy feely behaviour. Through his 20s and 30s he wasn't very affectionate and touchy feely but I wasn't that bothered tbh as I am not either. (Only with the kids and the cats!) I do not know what's driving this, and I have said a few times that I think it's a bit much, and he has got huffy and said 'can I not even be affectionate with my own wife?!'

I do love him and care about him, and most of the time he is actually OK, and he is a good dad, a good husband, and a good provider, but this side of him is pissing me right off!

I suppose in some ways, I should be grateful I have a man who is affectionate, but he really does grate on me at times. On the occasions I do say it's annoying me, he comes out with the usual line... ' what's wrong with wanting to be affectionate with my own WIFE? ' And 'you never USED to complain about me grabbing you etc.'

Whenever he does it now (which is quite often,) I find myself feeling more irritated each time. And when he gropes me from behind, I feel myself tense up.

Am I being a bitch? Or would all this piss you off too?! It's like, I know I am his 'wife,' but I am not a fucking toy for him to play with, and I would like to air my views on serious issues, without him grinning at me and saying I am a cute fucking fluffy kitten!

(We have a reasonably healthy and satisfactory sex life by the way. And always have had...)

Posted too soon Sorry.

So pick on something you know will irritate the shit out of him if you've told him to stop and he won't. Or point out its pathetic and a turnoff.

I was about to say, yes I should find something that annoys him and keep doing it!

I am under the impression he thinks the grabby and gropey stuff is somehow going to 'turn me on.' But it's just weird and annoying!

And the calling me cute when I am being serious shit fucks me right off!

@softkitty

Sometimes you need to remind those closest to you that intimacy is a gift not a right. Having to repeatedly say "no" to being grabbed and for him not to respect you the first time is disrespectful. He is behaving like an overindulged child.

Thanks you. I agree.

@Bluntness100

Yeah, I'm with you on this, I'd have to restrain myself from knocking his block off and the phrase " just fuck off" would be uttered loudly and often. I can't be doing with sloppy clingy affection. Tell him to grow up and stop being so clingy.

Do you know what's causing it, the change in behaviour? Could he be having an affair and he's over compensating?

I don't think he's seeing anyone else to be honest. And this has been going on for quite a long time now - I mean a few years.

OP he clearly is doing it deliberately if you've told him it pisses you off and he's still doing it. It would drive me insane.

But why? @northandsouth

The groping would annoy the living fuck out of me.

Thing is, he sees me as saying NO and pushing him away, as me rejecting him, and being unloving and unnaffectionate etc..

It's not that. I just hate being groped and prodded and having my boobs groped when I am doing the fucking washing up!

Go back to work full-time and get him to do half the housework or employ a cleaner.

I suspect that there are bigger issues at play and this issue is a smokescreen

Compared to the behaviour of some husbands, he's not too bad, but I can totally understand why it's irritating.
Mr Squiffany occasionally does the head kissing thing or an unexpected cuddle and it can annoy when I'm in the middle of something else, cos it's distracting. Then I feel mean if I shrug him off. I tend to respond with a hand pat or a brief kiss to acknowledge his affection (and get back to Mumsnet!)

However "cute" is not something adult women tend to aspire to. 5 year olds, yes.
I'd rather be called amazing or sexy or wonderful instead of cute.

He obviously adores you, but it would be nicer to be adored as an equal
How do you describe him, if you want to be affectionate?

I'm not sure you can state he obviously adores the Op, if he did he'd listen to her when she asks him not to do these things!

The first part which is patronising sounds fucking annoying. The later examples in your op sound just affectionate - which makes me wonder, are you going off him?

I'm not sure you can state he obviously adores the Op, if he did he'd listen to her when she asks him not to do these things!

Well quite Adara!

I am more inclined to think he is thinking of me as a possession rather than he 'adores' me.

@BreakfastatSquiffanys
How do you describe him, if you want to be affectionate?

What do you mean sorry? I don't 'get' the question.

The head kissing an head patting and unexpected squeezes and gropes really really pisses me off. And as I said, it's often when I am washing up or ironing, WTF?

To undermine you and patronise you? To show that he can and you can't stop him?

My ex used to do the deep, staring 'I love you' thing and it used to drive me to distraction but if I asked him not to it was hours of silence, huffing, Lamentations about rejection, and me trying to make it up to him.

It was one of his many emotionally abusive moves.

You know there are plenty of woman out there who would kill for their husbands to be attentive like this towards them..it's obviously your partners way of showing his affection. I think YABU tbh

If he was attentive then he'd listen to his wife's wishes. She is not his toy.

Thanks @Northandsouth98384

@blondefancy

Didn't know I was meant to be grateful that my husband is always pawing me and staring in my face doe-eyed saying I LOVE YOOOOO!

FFS, as northandsouth said, I am not his toy or his plaything or his possession. And yeah, my husband also has a habit (sometimes) of getting huffy if I 'reject' him.

If he was attentive, he'd listen to her and not grope her when she's clearly told him she's not interested

Attentive my arse - annoying and needy, more like!

What happens when he gets huffy? Do you try and make it up to him or let him get on with it?

@northandsouth Sometimes I do try and make it up (even though I have done nothing wrong!) And sometimes I don't bother and let him stew. At least he isn't bothering me then!!

Yes @ronswanson, he is a bit needy and clingy.

@BreakfastatSquiffanys
How do you describe him, if you want to be affectionate?

What do you mean sorry? I don't 'get' the question.
..............

I phrased that badly.
He seems to think "cute" is the ultimate compliment.
If you wanted to call him something nice, to show that you love him, I guess you wouldn't call him cute. What would you call him, how would you describe him?
What would be a compliment that you would like?

I do understand why you don't like it.
He does love you but treats you like a possession rather than an equal.

I love being a wife but don't like to think that my attractiveness depends on me performing wifely domestic duties

I started reading this post thinking "yeah that would annoy the living fuck out of me" and finished reading it thinking "I could not live with this man". He needs to be told that groping you without your consent is not only inappropriate, it's illegal. He needs to understand that calling you cute halfway through you saying/doing something is not appreciated and is in fact totally unwanted and FFS he needs to do some bloody housework himself rather than sit there smiling as his "wifey" does it for him.

🙄

A lot of women go through so much crap in their marriages and would love to be shown affection.

It's creepy, especially as it's new behaviour. A man in his 40s/50s using "cute" and "wifey" sounds like he's been spending too much time on the internet.

I get this occasionally from my DH - he's ignored me for years but has suddenly started "being affectionate" and it's intrusive and annoying because it feels fake - it's come out of nowhere, it isn't the person I am used to, so why start now? A book about 'affection techniques'? Some magazine advice about 'showing her your feelings'? Any behaviour that comes out of the blue is happening for a reason; I want to know what the reasons are (the cause), not have to suffer the pawing (the symptom.)

Interrupting what you say to do the "aw fwuffy bunny" routine is a little more sinister. Very rude and not something he'd do to his boss ("Missed what you said, sir, but you're looking very dashing today.") That seems like a deliberate ploy to knock your confidence.

One of those 'dating' manuals, perhaps? He's trying to 'put the spark back' by negging and trying out mind tricks?

The "you're so MEAN, I'm not allowed to touch my own wife!" shit really boils my piss - you're not allowed to touch ANYONE without their consent, you fuckknuckle, not even the human you think you bought - and I am very interested to see yours also does the "you used to like it" thing, as I personally do not ever recall a time I responded positively to having my body grabbed while I'm washing the dishes, but I can recall a number of occasions where I finally snapped and got really pissed about it. Seems like there really is a book out there with the catchphrases in, or maybe men are more likely to misremember (everybody misremembers) the early days as some sort of shagfest where kitchen tit-grabbing was a delightful jape, whereas women might be more likely to remember more positive events.

That's really interesting that he changed later in life. I sometimes think DH may be like this when the kids are grown. He's a toucher and always has been, but the more annoying playful stuff gets spent on the kids now who love it. I mean things like being picked up and whooshed down on the bed, or grabbed with icy cold hands up the shirt, or raspberries on the tummy. I feel like I had children to take the focus off me a bit. DD is well able to tell him no as she's like me and wants to be left alone, but DS is just as tactile and loves all that kind of play.

At the moment he barely touches me voluntarily at all, and I do miss it. I know it's how he expresses love and I feel he's forgotten me a bit. But I think sometimes when the kids are older and have their own lives his focus may come back on me for physical intimacy and he wants much more in the way of cuddles/touching than I do.

Thanks so much to the people who understand. Incl @AngelF1sh - yeah thanks for saying it would annoy the living fuck out of you too! Doesn't make me feel so bad that others are feeling the same.

And thanks @IskraTG who gave a really interesting and detailed post, and some of it rang some bells with me.

I was also wondering if he had read some weird fucking misogynistic shit like 'how to turn your wife on!' Like 'be passionate with her and shove her against the sink and push your erection against her and shove your tongue in her ear, and she will be panting and moaning with pleasure.'

No. She won't. Fuck the fuck off.

And yeah, the 'Can I not even touch my own WIFE?' bollocks really boils MY piss too! Like it's a right, and if I don't fall at his feet, when he is all rampant, I am fucking rejecting him!

And to the small number of posters who are saying 'a lot of women have shit marriages and would KILL for him to be attentive and give affection' and 'be grateful he is interested' and stuff like that, just stop PLEASE.

This kind of thing really boils my piss. It's like saying to a woman suffering post natal depression, 'you should be bloody grateful you have a baby' (And I know a couple of women suffering PND who have had people say this!

@Breakfastatsquiffanys

Gosh I am not sure what term of endearment he would like to be called. I generally call him by his name. And although being called 'cute' isn't ideal, it's the context that annoys me. Like when I am talking about something important and serious, and he goes doe-eyed, and tilts his head and says 'awwww, you're so cute, chatting away,' it's SO patronising.. Like 'look at the iccle wumman trying to be all clever... bless.'

Fuck.

Off.

To @theveryhungrydieter

I hope things get better, and I am sorry that you feel your DH doesn't show you affection these days. Hope it changes soon. Have you talked about it to him?

And my comments were not aimed at you. More at the people saying I should be grateful my DH gropes me and is uber touchy feely!!