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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I needed to rant really, I am 10 weeks pregnant & partner is being selfish

99 replies

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:30

It might be a long post so apologies in advance.
Partner and myself both decided to "try" for a baby 8 months ago. We are now expecting and i am 10 weeks. Since finding out he has been on nights out drinking every weekend for the past 5 weeks and sleeping at his moms, friends ect without letting me know in advance. We sat down the other week and i explained how its unfair for him to be doing this every weekend. The problem i have is that he will say a certain time to be back, and then i won't hear off him until i ring him & only then does he inform me hes staying out later & it will go on like this for a few hours until his phone dies or until i give up ringing him. Sometimes this happens when we have plans. Now here's my issue today, yesterday he lay in bed with "man flu". I got up, took my DD to school and came home. He didn't feel upto going anywhere i left him to it and did my own thing. I came home after 2 hours because i was feeling nauseous and wanted to have a chill with him before picking up DD from school. When i got back he informed me that he had messaged his friend and was off to the pub for a few hours. I was feeling like I'd been took for a total mug in all honesty, we had a few words, i got told i was weak, pathetic and to piss off. He stormed off out the house about half 1. I rang him about half 2 and we smoothed things over. He said he'd be back for 7 so i said to have a nice catchup and that I'd see him later. Well, 7pm came and no sign of him. I text him and asked him where he was and he said "sorry babe my mate only just got here I'll be a bit later". So again same thing with shifting the time again even after our chat. I asked him to come back he said no he didn't want to yet and said it would be 9pm instead. At this point he'd had a fair few to drink and once he drinks all logical reasoning goes out the window.

9pm came and went, i rang him to see where he was, he said he was leaving and would be 20mins max.

10pm no show. I ring him again, he's in a club somewhere as i can hear music ect so he hadn't left when he said. At this point he denies ever telling me he was leaving. (Alcohol related memory loss "again")
On the phone with me he continues to state how i shouldn't worry and that I'm being a fairy (i was crying at this point) he said he'd been back whenever then hung up. I text to ask where he was and he didn't reply so rang him again. He didn't answer the phone and then it kept going to voicemail.

I know it sounds bad of me but i then rang his mate to ask what was going on. His mate put my mind at ease slightly and assured me he was okay and that bf loves me bla bla bla.

Half 1 this morning his mate rang to say he's bringing him back, he came in steaming drunk. Staggering all over and stinking of booze.

Now, rightly or wrongly of me i asked what he'd been doing all night.
Heres where my problem lies.
He told me (drunk) that he had a dance/boogy with a girl last night and that he asked for her name. I was pretty upset so questioned further into this, managed to get it out of him eventually that they danced, she told him she was single and made a move and that he explained he was in a relationship with a baby on the way. He then tells me he spent a bit of time with this girl having a heart to heart with her and giving her a hug to make her feel better. He then explained it was more of a cuddle, i said what's the difference he said "a cuddles more meaningful". Now at this point I'm fuming mad!! I asked why he felt the need to cuddle her and he told me it was to make her "feel better" as she was upset!

What about me being upset??? Not meaning to sound harsh but did i not deserve a bloody cuddle! I was upset and needed him but he was having little heart to hearts with a stranger instead. It makes me feel worthless.

Am i overeacting??

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 16/09/2017 09:32

The girl is not the issue. He is.

He doesn't respect you or even care for you at all. Is he going to be drinking and partying like this when the baby arrives ?

I got the feeling he won't be the one up at night or changing nappies.

He sounds awful to be honest.

HailLapin · 16/09/2017 09:34

Have my first LTB.

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:35

I wouldn't mind him going out occasionally but he he doesn't work, we can't afford it and all this alcohol related drama seems to appear every weekend.

OP posts:
xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:37

He assures me he won't do it when baby is here, but then he's assured me he'd be back on time, time and time again letting me down. His only excuse is "sorry I'm a dickhead". He is now lay in bed, i slept on sofa, DD is up and running about and I'm sat in the kitchen wanting to cry.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 16/09/2017 09:38

He doesnt work ?

How does he afford to drink ?

How is he going to support his child ?

ChrisPrattsFace · 16/09/2017 09:39

He sounds terrible, this is another on of those posts where he sounds like he has no redeeming qualities!
Had he expressed any excitement over the baby? When you say 'try' for a baby, I presume he was also excited?
I can't imagine he will be remotely helpful when the baby arrives, and if he has no respect for you now, it's not going to get better.
I also would have stopped ringing him, leave him to it!

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 16/09/2017 09:40

Honestly if my partner behaved with such disrespect towards me I would leave him.

I bet he's disrespectful in other ways. It sounds like you're paying for his drinking ?

As he doesn't work does he at least deal with the household stuff ? Cooking and cleaning and so on ? Washing clothes etc etc ?

user1499786242 · 16/09/2017 09:41

Why doesn't he work?

Viviennemary · 16/09/2017 09:42

Even trying to be positive he does sound pretty awful. If he thinks this is acceptable behaviour then it's time to think about splitting up. In fact there really isn't any other answer.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2017 09:43

Honestly, you didn't know this guy is a fucking loser before you went ahead and got pregnant? Really??

QuiteLikely5 · 16/09/2017 09:45

Surely he behaved similarly prior to your pregnancy?

In all honesty I would not have a child with this man. He is not ready for the responsibility and he doesn't respect you.

I say man but you both sound young?

You wiol not change him. He has no job? So the benefits that you receive for you and your other child are being spent on alcohol?

He cuddled another girl - that is the absolute least of your worries

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2017 09:45

And you are with this dickhead at all now because...

What do you get out of this relationship now?. He seems to have no redeeming features whatsoever along with no respect for you. This is who he is; an unemployed drunkard and one also who wants to live the life of a single man.

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:45

Thanks for replying all, he pays for it out of his job seekers allowance. I have admittedly given him a fiver here and there on the odd occasion. He does the house work and helps with the cleaning, hes quite ocd with cleanliness, so much so he's called me lazy for not doing the dishes immediately or helping enough in the house. This was a months or 2 ago and since then i have been helping more, i did suffer bad morning sickness and had a slight bleed which made me not feel upto doing much. X

OP posts:
FisforFamily · 16/09/2017 09:47

LTB

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2017 09:48

I was also wondering how old you exactly are?

Why is your relationship bar this low that this individual was allowed into your life in the first place?. You sound like his mother as well with subbing him of the occasional fiver. What are you to him, you really mean nothing to this person.

You already have a child, a daughter. Would you want this type of dysfunctional relationship for her as well. What is she learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 16/09/2017 09:49

Well that's something. If only he respected you too.

Honestly the way he talks to you and behaves would be enough for me.

I hope he's putting as much effort into finding a job as he is drinking. I'm amazed job seekers stretches far enough for him to go drinking. It was a pitiful amount when I was on it.

WickedLazy · 16/09/2017 09:49

You're not over reacting, I would be livid! You were crying on the phone to him, because again he's lied about how long he'll be out, and he mocked you! Yet he cuddles strange women while he's out. If he was just cuddling her... He sounds like a nasty, manipulative, lying, binge drinking asshole.

Flowers For you.

Skarossinkplunger · 16/09/2017 09:51

Why don't either of you work?

He's an arse by the way.

TattyApples · 16/09/2017 09:51

Get rid of him.
He's no good.
Ain't nobody got time fo dat

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:51

We are both 27, we actually met via friends and I'm his first proper girlfriend, I'm not making excuses for him, although it probably looks like I'm trying to justify his actions. My close friend thinks i lack self esteem which is why i "put up" with him. I'm starting to think they are right. Having written it all down i can see how easy the option of leaving him must look, I'm usually the first to point out a waste of space and dish out advice. I feel so lost and alone right now.

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 16/09/2017 09:52

He sounds like a teenager who's discovered booze. And he doesn't respect you. Seems he has enough energy and impetus to party the night away. He should be focusing on finding a bloody job. Doesn't bode well for the future and I'd be cutting my losses, moving out and ask him how he plans to support his child

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:54

I'm currently looking for work, in the meantime though I'm doing an open uni course and volunteer for a charity x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2017 09:54

Do not become 28 and be in this same position.

"My close friend thinks i lack self esteem which is why i "put up" with him. I'm starting to think they are right".

They are right and you're beginning to realise that as well.

You will ultimately also need to address where your lack of self worth came from; it may well be from your own childhood and parents.

This person you are with is not going to help with your own self esteem other than further lower and crush it. You're already seeing what he is like day to day and he is not going to change or get better when your second child is born.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to and they can help you with leaving this individual. Also the Rights of Women are worth contacting too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2017 09:55

What is the situation re the property and finances?. Are these jointly held?

dippydeedoo · 16/09/2017 09:55

I've been in this type of relationship for a long long time and it will get worse.

Do yourself a favour and get rid of him and concentrate on you and your children...if he loves you he will grow up and change,if he doesn't change you know where you're at and then you can continue your life without him.

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