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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I needed to rant really, I am 10 weeks pregnant & partner is being selfish

99 replies

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:30

It might be a long post so apologies in advance.
Partner and myself both decided to "try" for a baby 8 months ago. We are now expecting and i am 10 weeks. Since finding out he has been on nights out drinking every weekend for the past 5 weeks and sleeping at his moms, friends ect without letting me know in advance. We sat down the other week and i explained how its unfair for him to be doing this every weekend. The problem i have is that he will say a certain time to be back, and then i won't hear off him until i ring him & only then does he inform me hes staying out later & it will go on like this for a few hours until his phone dies or until i give up ringing him. Sometimes this happens when we have plans. Now here's my issue today, yesterday he lay in bed with "man flu". I got up, took my DD to school and came home. He didn't feel upto going anywhere i left him to it and did my own thing. I came home after 2 hours because i was feeling nauseous and wanted to have a chill with him before picking up DD from school. When i got back he informed me that he had messaged his friend and was off to the pub for a few hours. I was feeling like I'd been took for a total mug in all honesty, we had a few words, i got told i was weak, pathetic and to piss off. He stormed off out the house about half 1. I rang him about half 2 and we smoothed things over. He said he'd be back for 7 so i said to have a nice catchup and that I'd see him later. Well, 7pm came and no sign of him. I text him and asked him where he was and he said "sorry babe my mate only just got here I'll be a bit later". So again same thing with shifting the time again even after our chat. I asked him to come back he said no he didn't want to yet and said it would be 9pm instead. At this point he'd had a fair few to drink and once he drinks all logical reasoning goes out the window.

9pm came and went, i rang him to see where he was, he said he was leaving and would be 20mins max.

10pm no show. I ring him again, he's in a club somewhere as i can hear music ect so he hadn't left when he said. At this point he denies ever telling me he was leaving. (Alcohol related memory loss "again")
On the phone with me he continues to state how i shouldn't worry and that I'm being a fairy (i was crying at this point) he said he'd been back whenever then hung up. I text to ask where he was and he didn't reply so rang him again. He didn't answer the phone and then it kept going to voicemail.

I know it sounds bad of me but i then rang his mate to ask what was going on. His mate put my mind at ease slightly and assured me he was okay and that bf loves me bla bla bla.

Half 1 this morning his mate rang to say he's bringing him back, he came in steaming drunk. Staggering all over and stinking of booze.

Now, rightly or wrongly of me i asked what he'd been doing all night.
Heres where my problem lies.
He told me (drunk) that he had a dance/boogy with a girl last night and that he asked for her name. I was pretty upset so questioned further into this, managed to get it out of him eventually that they danced, she told him she was single and made a move and that he explained he was in a relationship with a baby on the way. He then tells me he spent a bit of time with this girl having a heart to heart with her and giving her a hug to make her feel better. He then explained it was more of a cuddle, i said what's the difference he said "a cuddles more meaningful". Now at this point I'm fuming mad!! I asked why he felt the need to cuddle her and he told me it was to make her "feel better" as she was upset!

What about me being upset??? Not meaning to sound harsh but did i not deserve a bloody cuddle! I was upset and needed him but he was having little heart to hearts with a stranger instead. It makes me feel worthless.

Am i overeacting??

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 16/09/2017 17:10

Good on you for leaving. Pregnancy is when the abusers and cheaters push the envelope to see how much you'll put up with.

Cambionome · 16/09/2017 17:36

Well done. Flowers

thethoughtfox · 16/09/2017 17:51

By telling you about the 'cuddle' it sounds like her was getting off with her all night and he is covering his tracks.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 16/09/2017 18:04

LTB.

Sounds like a cock-lodger to me. Did just enough to convince you to let him move in and then once he'd got his feet under the table, all the pretence went out of the window. Fortunately for you it's come to light at an early enough stage for you to be able to sling him out and concentrate on you and your DD. Congrats on your pregnancy BTW Flowers

GlitterSparkles17 · 16/09/2017 18:42

Well done OP, you've found some self respect! He's a loser, he's going to do all he can to work his way back into the house and your bed so he can sponge and be looked after like your his mummy, please don't fall for it, he's a low life and won't change!

Huskylover1 · 17/09/2017 11:30

What kind of arsehole comes home with flowers, for staying too long at the pub, and then.....goes back to the pub? You couldn't make that shit up!

Bumdishcloths · 17/09/2017 11:43

He sounds like a complete twunt.

timeisnotaline · 17/09/2017 11:50

Is he gone? You've had great advice. (except the person telling you to get an abortion - if you decide that's the right thing to do then absolutely but nobody should ever tell a stranger to have an abortion)

DressedCrab · 17/09/2017 11:56

He's a liar and he will carry on lying. There is no future of happiness with this prick.

xTTCTamsterx · 17/09/2017 15:20

Hi all, he's left. Reckons he'll be back tomorrow to collect his pet tarantula that i drove him to go buy. I'm keeping the baby, i made the choice to have another child and I'll be stepping up regardless of whether he does the same or not. Thankyou so much for all of your support, i actually don't think I'd have had the courage to do it if i hadn't have read your responses.Flowers he will at some point have to collect the rest of his things, i.e clothes & stuff. My friends are delighted in my decision, they've been badgering me to do this for some weeks lol. He says iv made a bad choice and that he's happier already now that he's not waking up miserable to me and that one day I'll regret my decision (how laughable). I also have some notes from my friends freedom course which I'll have a read through later over a cup of tea xx

OP posts:
IceCreamIScream · 17/09/2017 15:57

I've just read this thread from start to finish and I'm so glad you've got rid of him.
Glad that your friends are in complete support too.
All the best to you and your babies.

Ambonsai · 17/09/2017 20:28

Well done Tamster
Not easy when you're pregnant, but you and your baby are so much better off without him.
Really sounds like a waste of space

Apileofballyhoo · 17/09/2017 20:40

Hope all went well. Delighted you have supportive friend and Mum.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/09/2017 20:42

Missed your update, well done. Onwards and upwards.

Treebags · 17/09/2017 20:47

Well done. Based on your posts you made the right decision. He sounds super immature and selfish

UnicornSparkles1 · 17/09/2017 20:53

Well done OP, hope you're okay xp

DressedCrab · 17/09/2017 20:54

Well done, OP, onwards and upwards.

SirNiallDementia · 17/09/2017 21:05

The only bad mistake you've made is picking him as a boyfriend.

But you've put it right by getting shot of him, well done 👍.

He would have been more of a hindrance than a help to you with the baby anyway.

xTTCTamsterx · 17/09/2017 21:13

Thanks all, he says he loves me but he can't understand that what he's done is wrong either so I definitely made the right decision xx

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 18/09/2017 06:55

He would have been more of a hindrance than a help to you with the baby anyway.

Given the baby will have the right to have its father in its life, it's highly unlikely that he won't be a hindrance for the next 18 years, isn't it.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/09/2017 09:48

But Titty, at least he won't be cocklodging with the op!

TittyGolightly · 18/09/2017 11:37

No. He'll probably have unsupervised access to their baby.

Choccyhobnob · 18/09/2017 11:52

I'm so so happy you made that decision and stuck to it as I was literally fuming reading this thread!! The fact he doesn't understand what he's done wrong just says it all. Don't let him back in whatever you do. It will be hard raising the baby alone but it sounds like you have good friends and family around you and it would be much harder to raise a baby with someone that you can't rely on and forever having to deal with the fallout when he doesn't do something you needed him to do etc. I find it's actually easier when my DH is away for a day or so as I don't get the disappointed feeling of "oh I thought that job was going to be done and it's not..." lol

Anyway, well done you!

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 16:39

Ask him what exactly he thinks you'll miss? His selfishness? How feckless he is? His drunk stumbling around? The fact he acts like a stroppy 18 year old? Some men really have over inflated ideas about what great partners they are! Grin Well done OP, you deserve so much better.

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