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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I needed to rant really, I am 10 weeks pregnant & partner is being selfish

99 replies

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 09:30

It might be a long post so apologies in advance.
Partner and myself both decided to "try" for a baby 8 months ago. We are now expecting and i am 10 weeks. Since finding out he has been on nights out drinking every weekend for the past 5 weeks and sleeping at his moms, friends ect without letting me know in advance. We sat down the other week and i explained how its unfair for him to be doing this every weekend. The problem i have is that he will say a certain time to be back, and then i won't hear off him until i ring him & only then does he inform me hes staying out later & it will go on like this for a few hours until his phone dies or until i give up ringing him. Sometimes this happens when we have plans. Now here's my issue today, yesterday he lay in bed with "man flu". I got up, took my DD to school and came home. He didn't feel upto going anywhere i left him to it and did my own thing. I came home after 2 hours because i was feeling nauseous and wanted to have a chill with him before picking up DD from school. When i got back he informed me that he had messaged his friend and was off to the pub for a few hours. I was feeling like I'd been took for a total mug in all honesty, we had a few words, i got told i was weak, pathetic and to piss off. He stormed off out the house about half 1. I rang him about half 2 and we smoothed things over. He said he'd be back for 7 so i said to have a nice catchup and that I'd see him later. Well, 7pm came and no sign of him. I text him and asked him where he was and he said "sorry babe my mate only just got here I'll be a bit later". So again same thing with shifting the time again even after our chat. I asked him to come back he said no he didn't want to yet and said it would be 9pm instead. At this point he'd had a fair few to drink and once he drinks all logical reasoning goes out the window.

9pm came and went, i rang him to see where he was, he said he was leaving and would be 20mins max.

10pm no show. I ring him again, he's in a club somewhere as i can hear music ect so he hadn't left when he said. At this point he denies ever telling me he was leaving. (Alcohol related memory loss "again")
On the phone with me he continues to state how i shouldn't worry and that I'm being a fairy (i was crying at this point) he said he'd been back whenever then hung up. I text to ask where he was and he didn't reply so rang him again. He didn't answer the phone and then it kept going to voicemail.

I know it sounds bad of me but i then rang his mate to ask what was going on. His mate put my mind at ease slightly and assured me he was okay and that bf loves me bla bla bla.

Half 1 this morning his mate rang to say he's bringing him back, he came in steaming drunk. Staggering all over and stinking of booze.

Now, rightly or wrongly of me i asked what he'd been doing all night.
Heres where my problem lies.
He told me (drunk) that he had a dance/boogy with a girl last night and that he asked for her name. I was pretty upset so questioned further into this, managed to get it out of him eventually that they danced, she told him she was single and made a move and that he explained he was in a relationship with a baby on the way. He then tells me he spent a bit of time with this girl having a heart to heart with her and giving her a hug to make her feel better. He then explained it was more of a cuddle, i said what's the difference he said "a cuddles more meaningful". Now at this point I'm fuming mad!! I asked why he felt the need to cuddle her and he told me it was to make her "feel better" as she was upset!

What about me being upset??? Not meaning to sound harsh but did i not deserve a bloody cuddle! I was upset and needed him but he was having little heart to hearts with a stranger instead. It makes me feel worthless.

Am i overeacting??

OP posts:
makeithappy · 16/09/2017 10:25

You should be strong & get rid now before he puts you through it all when you have the baby Flowers

MaisieDotes · 16/09/2017 10:25

OP, my DD's father was like this. We broke up when I was 5 months pregnant.

Please listen to everyone on this thread. This isn't normal or ok. It's not about whether he rang you or didn't ring you, or whether he "cuddled" another girl (he shagged that girl btw, sorry to be blunt). It's about the fact that he is not being a partner to you.

I am so sorry that you've had a previous bad relationship and maybe this guy seemed ok by comparison but believe me, he is nowhere near ok and you and your children deserve far, far more.

Please don't put up with being treated like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2017 10:27

Who gives a fuck about what he "knows" or not? Don't fool yourself that this idiot will comprehend anything. Just kick him the fuck out. You got yourself into this terrible position, so now it's time to wake up, be responsible, and get him out of your house. And from this day forward, start making GOOD decisions for you and your children.

pambeesley · 16/09/2017 10:29

At what point did you think with you both being unemployed it was a good idea to try for a baby?!?

LTB, have an abortion and focus on a better life for the child you have.

PickAChew · 16/09/2017 10:31

Tell him you're setting him free to hit on as many women as he likes. More fool them if they fall for the waste of space.

Heratnumber7 · 16/09/2017 10:32

Why did you chose to have a baby with a man who doesn't work?
How are you going to pay for stuff? Do you wotk and earn enough to keep you all? JSA will stop when they lean he isn't seeking a job.

TittyGolightly · 16/09/2017 10:33

You need to seriously reconsider having a baby with this man.

differentlife · 16/09/2017 10:37

Get someone round to support you.
Tell him his behaviour is unforgivable and he must leave your property.
If he gets aggressive, phone the police.
Pack his stuff & have it dropped off at his parents.
Consider whether you want to continue with the pregnancy, understanding that a child would tie you to him and he would be part of your life for good.

GlitterSparkles17 · 16/09/2017 11:47

Glad you've decided to kick him out. He's a sponger and you can do ten times better. Focus on your kids and your university course, you will make a better life for yourself while he will be on the dole. Hardy an attractive quality is it?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/09/2017 11:56

I do not know anything about the Freedom course, but it's frequently recommended on here & I can't see it doing any harm.

Don't bother trying to get him to understand, it's a waste of energy. Pack his stuff, tell him it's on the doorstep.

Then have a bloody good cry.

After that, pull yourself together and think about your DD's & your future.

You are only 10 weeks, do you think continuing with this pregnancy & tying yourself to this wanker for life is really a good idea? I am pro choice, but I generally come down on the side of 'keep the baby it'll all work out' but in your situation I really think a termination might be the best option. Your DD is at school, you are in a good position to get YOUR life on track. Get a job, do some study, work yourself up the ladder and give your DD the life she deserves. Be a good role model. In time (and after a lot of work!!) you might find someone who is worthy of you. Imagine have a happy DD who is 9, a good job, security, stability & self confidence then meeting a lovely bloke & maybe another baby or two. That IS an option.

.

namechangedforthisreply · 16/09/2017 11:58

Why on earth did you decide to have a child with this eejit? He can't hold down a job and clearly has a drinking issue.

You have lots of gray advice here, pack up his things and send him back to his Mum's.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 16/09/2017 12:02

I'd be really angry about the times thing - it's really frustrating and worrying and they always tel you you're a kill joy but you just want to be able to plan your own bloody evening.

The girls not the issue though it's wrong ... he might love you but he doesn't respect you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/09/2017 12:06

You said 'I want to try for a baby' - he heard 'let's have lots of sex without a condom.'

And he called you a 'fairy'? Bloody hell, I'd leave him for that alone.

He needs to go away, learn how to live alone, and grow the fuck up. He's no good for you, OP, and I'm glad you've seen the light.

Huskylover1 · 16/09/2017 12:57

He then explained it was more of a cuddle, i said what's the difference he said "a cuddles more meaningful

I think that this ^^ comment, is pure damage limitation. He was pissed. He won't have a clue if his cuddles snog were seen by someone you know, and could be reported back to you. And then he could say "woah, i told you about that. Why would I have mentioned it, if it wasn't innocent"

My ExH was just like your Partner, well, he always worked, but couldn't keep his hands off other women, stayed out late, rolled in drunk etc. He is still the same to this day (many years later). Having kids didn't change it. Me leaving him didn't change it either! He went on to be the same with his next long term GF (who has since left him too). I however now have a lovely DH, who would never be such an arsehole.

Next time he is out getting pissed, drop a bag of stuff to his parents. Tell them why you are sending him back there (tell them about ALL if his behaviour). Get back home. Put the bolts on, so he can't get in. If you don't have bolts, buy some and screw them on after he's gone. Then send him a text saying it's over, and that his stuff is at his parents.

It might not mean the end. He might just get a massive wake up call. But if you do nothing, you are sort of condoning his behaviour, and he will carry on treating you like shit.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 13:16

Be very grateful the house is yours.

Kick him out now. He will never be reliable, a decent partner or probably father.

Get him gone.

KityGlitr · 16/09/2017 13:28

OP I have to know, and I'd love if you can answer (others have asked too): what possessed you to try for a baby with a man who has a terrible attitude to work, doesn't have a job and was living with parents when you met? What is your bar set so low? What made you think 'okay I already have a kid with someone else, we're both unemployed so let's bring a baby into this!'. I'm sorry this sounds harsh but you've both been incredibly selfish, not only to this unborn child but also your existing child for putting her in this situation with a feckless idiot for a father figure and now a new baby to share already limited resources.

You're lucky to be only ten weeks along. I'd be seriously contemplating a termination. So you can break free and focus on your existing child, gaining some independence, leaving this tosser and getting a job so you can provide for your daughter as she deserves.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/09/2017 13:37

Well done, OP, you are making the right decision. And it sounds like you have some good friends on your side, who have been worried about you being with this absolute arsehole, and will be putting up balloons and popping the champagne when they hear you've booted his sorry arse to the kerb (or more likely, back to mummy and daddy's).

Be prepared for him to try all the tricks to get you to change our mind/feel sorry for him/feel guilty enough to give him another chance. Do not fall for it - this one has no intention of being better 'when the baby comes' or at any other time.

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 14:41

Sorry for the delay, head's all over the place. Things weren't this bad before i fell pregnant, things seemed to be on the up. He got himself a job and we both used enjoy spending time with each other. It's been the last few weeks mainly that things have gone from bad to just plain ridiculous. He came over with flowers this morning, and after a few harsh words he's now gone back to the pub thinking he'll be back at half 6. Unlucky for him as his stuff will be waiting for him on the doorstep. Mom's having my DD so i can get his arse out x

OP posts:
socktastic · 16/09/2017 14:54

Heart goes out to you OP but I feel you're doing the right thing. Surround yourself with your friends and people you trust and be good to yourself!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/09/2017 14:55

Stay strong.

Have you packed his stuff yet?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 16/09/2017 14:57

Good luck :)

Do you have someone who can be with you when he comes back? brother or a burly cousin perhaps?

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 15:00

Well done and good luck

Shakey15000 · 16/09/2017 15:05

Good luck

xTTCTamsterx · 16/09/2017 15:22

I'm gunna ask my friend to come over. She's straight forward when it comes to telling it how it is lol x

OP posts:
Akire · 16/09/2017 17:07

You are doing the right thing, in the very unlikely event he has a personanilty transplant gets a job, works hard provides for
His kid and start treating you with some
Respect then there's plenty of time further ahead for you to be a family. But at the time your relationship should be the best ever- he's treating you like dirt. Hope it all goes well.

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