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Original poster

Question about wills/DHs money

78 replies

MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 17:09

Hi, just looking for any points of view really.

DH has cancer that won't be cured, seeing as this is a money/relationship WWYD I thought I'd put it here instead of in another section of mumsnet.

DH doesn't have life or critical illness insurance. He had been too Ill to get it so now that he has cancer I'll just need to pay off the mortgage or sort something out. Luckily/sadly we have no DCs.

DH does have death in service at 3 times his salary which will be paid in full when he passes (hopefully longer than a year away which was prognoses before chemo). DH has been talking about wills and wants to leave over 10% of death in service to our friends/neighbour who we've had over to dinner a few times. They are so lovely, really chatty and generally nice people. Wife can't work due to disability and husband is full time carer/they have 3 kids.

However DH talking about giving away money is actually upsetting me. I'll have to get back to working/paying bills when all I'll want to do is curl up and cry. I've not said this as it sounds selfish as just under 90% will come to me. It's not about money, I don't know what it's about but it's hurting me so much. Is this nor all? That's all the money there is, I'm 32 and we got our house 2 years ago.

Please give me a shake or tell me about provisions you've made, I know I'm burying my head in the sand but I don't want to be upset over moneys to a time like this.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 14/09/2017 17:13

I'm confused OP.. why would he give money to your neighbours who have popped round for dinner on a few occasions ??

I'm sorry to hear of your DH's diagnosis Flowers

KanielOutis · 14/09/2017 17:16

Is he even able to gift his death in service to a neighbour? In my workplace it can go to a spouse, a cohabiting partner of more than 2 years, or a dependent child only.

bellabelly · 14/09/2017 17:17

That's not what in service death benefit is for! It's for the surviving spouse! What's he thinking?! I'm not surprised you are upset.

Therealslimshady1 · 14/09/2017 17:18

Maybe he hopes they'll look after you a bit, emotionally?

It is very odf for him to do this, but ultimately his choice.

Are you married? Will the will be drawn up by a solicitor?

I am sorry your DP is so unwell, and that you are going through this

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/09/2017 17:18

I'm so sorry about your husband. I don't agree with him that he should give away 10% of your joint money. You will need that money to help pay your bills. He should write them a card saying how much he values their friendship if he wants them to know that, rather than give away family money.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/09/2017 17:21

I am very sorry fir your situation.

Have you checked the situation re life insurance and the mortgsge? We couldn't get a mortgage without us both taking out life insurance to cover the mortgage. It all gets paid together as far as I know so.maybe you/he are already paying it?

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits · 14/09/2017 17:27

His death in service benefit would automatically go to you as spouse. Does he have a will or does he intend to make one? Sorry for asking but could he possibly have secondaries that might affect his thinking? I think it would be good to encourage him to focus on the financial situation YOU will be left in as the main priority. It must hurt so much Flowers

kittybiscuits · 14/09/2017 17:27

There's nothing generous about it if it leaves OP in financial hardship.

TheNoseyProject · 14/09/2017 17:30

The death is service will pass to you after he dies. In his will he'd have to put a gift of money he already has, he can't gift money from after he's died because he doesn't have it and it's not his. That sounds weird but it's money you get because of him rather than his money. So I suppose he could put it as a wish but seeing as it's not an asset he holds I'm not sure that'd be allowed either.

I think you need to say to him you need that money so you can keep the house. That's why you're getting it so you don't have to go back to work/sell up as soon as he dies.

Really sorry. This is so hard Flowers

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 17:31

I think you need to gently remind him that you are going to need it all and more, because it will be just one salary paying for what was based on two salaries.
I hope he can see the sense in that.
And yes check the insurance that is often compulsory when taking out a mortgage- needed to cover the mortgage in just these circumstances. I would be surprised if you were allowed a mortgage with no such policy.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 14/09/2017 17:40

Usually a mortgage provider requires life insurance in order to grant a mortgage. Are you sure the mortgage provider hasn't set this up? Do check. My insurance was always in place with my mortgage provider.

Does he have a company pension? In cases of terminal illness you can access the full pool of accrued cash. Do check this too. If so make sure you speak with an IFA to get the maximum transfer value which might not be what the scheme trustees offer you in the first instance. This can be done now so you can both benefit from the money.

Re your neighbours can't you ask DH to leave it to your discretion? Tell him you'll give them at least x but say you don't want to have to worry about money when you're knee deep in grief and once you're able to get back to work you'll see what's left.

Hulder · 14/09/2017 17:48

I appreciate your DH is the one who is dying and so on, but if I were you I'd be having some stern words with him.

You are the one left alive grieving, pole-axed and paying for everything on one salary instead of two. That is what his death in service is for, not 2 nice neighbours who were nice at dinner parties Hmm

Does he want you to lose your home?

Plus when he is more ill, it is EXPENSIVE. You may not be able to work as you may need to look after him, or at the very least take time off unpaid, heating bills go up, washing goes up - being ill costs a lot of money.

After he has died, you will be grieving - how long will your sick pay last before you have to go back to work? Especially if you started it before he died?

It's all very well for him to want to be Mr Bountiful but maybe he could think about his loving wife first.

wotwhat · 14/09/2017 17:53

Death is service does NOT go directly to a spouse necessarily. At my work you name whoever you want.

Does he have a pension? Again at my work it ONLY goes to a husband/wife. So if I had a partner and wasn't married I'd marry them sharpish to ensure someone got it (it goes nowhere if not married)

You need to talk about this.

Flowers for you. You're going to be ok x

wotwhat · 14/09/2017 17:54

I have a mortgage and no insurance. It's advised but not always mandatory

Original poster
MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 17:55

Thank you for your replies.

We are married but don't have a will as we've just got this house that we owe on and the stuff in it. DH works for a department in the civil service and has said that they can split the death in service apparently. That's why I'm saying percentages as they do it that and not by amounts in pounds.

So far his work have said he can't have his pension or death in service early.

I think it's upsetting because he's 'giving away' stuff now which i realise is part of the process for him accepting stuff, but it's just weird. If we didn't need stuff we always sold it for buying new (as we were saving for a house) but now he's talking about giving his hobby stuff away, the tools, and his army medals to people (id like the medals as he was so proud of them and are special even though I didn't know him then)

I felt bad about wanting to say 'the mortgage is more than death in service and Im scared and don't want to think about money'. I've been super happy/supportive/strong and doing everything and I didn't want him to feel like a burden or railroaded by me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 17:58

Sorry forgot to add, we're not super close to neighbours, he just keeps saying it'd be nice to give them a holiday or for them to get a car....

No, we definitely don't have insurance, we're with Halifax and we couldn't get as DH previously had heart trouble so we've been turned down for e erm one we applied to.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/09/2017 17:58

Does he have parents or a close friend who could speak up for you?

wotwhat · 14/09/2017 17:58

Can you sell your house op? Rent for now someone cheaper? Use the death in service when the time comes to set up on your own.

Please ignore those saying you'll get stuff automatically - you may not. We do a percentage at work too

I remember a colleague dying and he gave his death in service to his children not his wife. Good intentions but a legal nightmare - she had no way to pay the mortgage and I think had to sell the home

Sort a will. I hope you have some support

Belindaboom · 14/09/2017 17:58

Been there you don't require life insurance for a mortgage and haven't for a long time.

OP, you're not being selfish with the greatest respect, he is. Both Macmillan and Marie curie can offer you advice.

Ultimately, the trustees of the scheme can actually refuse to pay it out to anyone they choose although it's rare.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/09/2017 17:59

Is there any chance the cancer has affected his brain?

RandomMess · 14/09/2017 18:00

I think you do need to say to him "I understand why you want to give x money and y that model BUT what about my feelings and needs? Please can we talk about it?"

Belindaboom · 14/09/2017 18:01

OP, I really would advise you to seek support on how to have these conversations. You're not being selfish, you're the one who has to deal with everything once he's gone. You need to be frank with him, it sounds terrible but he isn't going to be there to see the neighbours get their car or holiday.

kittybiscuits · 14/09/2017 18:02

It does go automatically to the spouse if married, unless the deceased has nominated someone else.

Hulder · 14/09/2017 18:03

Just say it. Stop being nice and say it. Because you and nice and lovely and strong he is not seeing you - he is in his own world of preparations and unintentionally taking you for granted.

Before you know it he will have given away all your DIY and gardening gear because he won't need it - him having forgotten that you might occasionally dig the garden, or without him you'll have to learn how to use a screwdriver because it's too expensive to get a man in.

Say it. It'll upset him but you have to.