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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question about wills/DHs money

78 replies

MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 17:09

Hi, just looking for any points of view really.

DH has cancer that won't be cured, seeing as this is a money/relationship WWYD I thought I'd put it here instead of in another section of mumsnet.

DH doesn't have life or critical illness insurance. He had been too Ill to get it so now that he has cancer I'll just need to pay off the mortgage or sort something out. Luckily/sadly we have no DCs.

DH does have death in service at 3 times his salary which will be paid in full when he passes (hopefully longer than a year away which was prognoses before chemo). DH has been talking about wills and wants to leave over 10% of death in service to our friends/neighbour who we've had over to dinner a few times. They are so lovely, really chatty and generally nice people. Wife can't work due to disability and husband is full time carer/they have 3 kids.

However DH talking about giving away money is actually upsetting me. I'll have to get back to working/paying bills when all I'll want to do is curl up and cry. I've not said this as it sounds selfish as just under 90% will come to me. It's not about money, I don't know what it's about but it's hurting me so much. Is this nor all? That's all the money there is, I'm 32 and we got our house 2 years ago.

Please give me a shake or tell me about provisions you've made, I know I'm burying my head in the sand but I don't want to be upset over moneys to a time like this.

OP posts:
wotwhat · 14/09/2017 18:04

Yes and he wants to kitty!

FullM00nn · 14/09/2017 18:07

I am sorry that your Dh is ill. However I strongly believe that he can gift his money to whoever he wants so that includes you, other family, friends, charities it is entirely his money so his choice! Ensure he has a will, his death in service he can also in writing say who it goes to and his pension.

RaininSummer · 14/09/2017 18:08

Seems very odd leaving neighbours money. Maybe a momento if they were great friends.

teaandtoast · 14/09/2017 18:11

Could you suggest downsizing the house now as you'll have to do it afterwards. I'm not saying do it, but just so he can see that you will have future money issues?

43percentburnt · 14/09/2017 18:13

Just tell him. Assuming the mortgage was based on two salaries ask him how he thinks you will pay the bills and mortgage - whilst grieving the last worry you want is financial.

Is there a spousal pension from his current or any previous work place. Did he ever pay into any other private pension?

SandyY2K · 14/09/2017 18:15

Unless he makes a will, the money will all be paid to you.
I've had this very conversation this week following a death in service. I work in public sector, with 3x salary paid to the next of kin.

His employer isn't going to divide the money up, even if he states 10% should go to the neighbour. That's the job of the executor of his will.

Do you know if he's done an updated expression of wish form to reflect what he wants.

Original poster
MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 18:20

He has pensions for old workplaces, he's always overpaid so he could have a nice retirement, I'm not sure what's happening with those. We've just been working through stuff and have cancelled our holiday chasing those refunds so just working through the list of things that need to be done.

I'm not sure about moving, this house was on the market for ages before we bought it and we've been doing it up. He was originally given a year and has had some chemo and needs another CT scan to see if it's worked. I'm not sure, but I hope it's not spread too far yet.

We live elsewhere to where we grew up so I think I'd move but I don't know, I just don't know where I'd live if I was on my own, but for now I'd like security.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/09/2017 18:24

I think he has labelled you 'strong person' and the neighbours 'people who need help'. He's also probably thinking of how to get people to remember him with the medals etc - whereas of course you'll remember him, but you might also want mementoes. Are you seeing a counsellor so you can unload and don't have to be the strong one 24/7? It could help.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 19:30

It sounds like dying has rather gone to his head. I know that he is the one dying but he is being terribly selfish here. Hopefully he will get over it and start thinking clearly. It seems like he is using this Oprah style will as a way of coming to terms with his imminent death but hasn't actually accepted that he is dying, maybe once he does accept it he will see some sense. Has he had any counselling?

HerOtherHalf · 14/09/2017 19:37

As a side comment, even if he has no resl assets he really must make a will. I had to help a close friend with the admin when her husband unexpectedly died intestate and it was a lot of unnecessary hassle at the worst of times.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 14/09/2017 20:03

The other accrued pension pots can be transferred. You need his consultant to provide a letter saying he has less than 12 months to live then legislation allows those sums to be transferred tax free. Even if he survives for a few years that's fine, you just need that consultant's letter. You must get an IFA to advise you as to the best way to do this for your ultimate benefit but write to the other pension administrators and ask for the transfer value of his pensions. I would expect the IFA to advise him to set up a personal pension such as a SIPP or similar (one with the lowest set up and transfer costs) that DH controls then the pension administrators transfer the accrued pots to DH's new aggregated pension pot. That new pension then becomes your pot of money after his death under his will. The aggregated pot is likely worth more than any benefits you'd receive from each of those pensions after his death. I cannot stress enough that this is really worth the cost of an IFA. There's probably a lot of money in those pensions and getting this right could be material.

Winebottle · 14/09/2017 20:22

Try not to be upset with him because he obviously means well but you do need to talk to him straight.

Its fine to give money away if you have the wealth to do it. He has a responsibility to ensure his family is secure before thinking of anyone else and you clearly aren't going to be.

If he didn't have the money to give to neighbours while he was alive, it is unfair to expect you to pick up the bill for it after he has gone. The death in service money is not going to go far.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/09/2017 21:06

I disagree with encouraging him to write a Will - the OP would be much better off if he didn't write one!

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 21:15

He won't be able to 'gift' 10% of his death in service benefit if you are named the receiver of this benefit in his pension paperwork. But I expect he could leave them the equivalent amount in his will. Maybe this giving away of things is just his way of dealing what must be a nightmare situation for him to be in and it makes him feel better if he can do some good.

You're not being selfish. I agree you need counselling together to help you deal with this.

Original poster
MyPatronusIsABadger · 14/09/2017 22:04

Thank you, I spoke to him about this tonight. I said I felt like he was picking precious things to give to people with lovely attachments and I'd be getting leftover when instead I just want to absorb every last bit of him and not have him leave me. He said he's been writing something for me which made me feel better.

He also said he was only going to give away the big power tools which is fine as I wouldn't use those and they wouldn't raise much money if we so,d them anyway (we're planning ongoing on a few weekends away to do nice things so using the refunded holiday money on that)

I said about the death in service and he said he just wanted to give nice people 'a break' as we'd have a few years of bad luck after bad luck/ money trouble/ renting trouble/his horrible family grabbing money off his lovely Mum when she died of cancer. I said I did understand that but I don't know how I'll go on and don't want to think of money.

My brother took his own life six months ago and I really struggled to to back to work, I just wanted to do everything I could to make my life easy as I couldn't cope. I also am sure I'll need to take unpaid leave or see if they'll let me go part time so that I can care for DH so we won't have 2 wages for long.

OP posts:
IdaDown · 14/09/2017 22:27

I agree with BeenThere

If DH wants to tie up loose ends and get things sorted now, so you have less to deal with near/at the end ; then an IFA will be worth their weight.

They will be able to discuss the potential consequences of distribution of assets and you will be able to ask about managing mortgage, pensions, investments etc...

It's not grabby or calculating. It's just being organised so you can both enjoy what time you have left together, without being knee deep in shit admin.

Gemini69 · 14/09/2017 22:31

this is beyond weird... does he not want you to be safe and secure when he departs this earth ? I'd question his sanity OP Flowers

Northernparent68 · 14/09/2017 23:04

If I ve understood this he only wants to give 10 per cent of his death in service because he is dying. The advice to challenge him is bizare

junebirthdaygirl · 14/09/2017 23:15

Would he be thinking he will fare better in the afterlife if he has good deeds done in his name? I wouldn't like to think he was worrying about that. Does he have a minister or priest who could reassure him ( as long as you can trust them not to get included in his will too. But a lot of people do live their lives giving 10% to charity and are all the better for it. So maybe its a good thing and because of all the pain and loss especially with your db as well you are over anxious and actually financially you will be fine. He sounds very thoughtful and lovely and l'm sorry he is so ill.

Pallisers · 14/09/2017 23:22

If he is no longer receiving curative treatment is he under the care of a palliative care/hospice team? Or is there one in the hospital you can ask for a referral to?

I think they will have seen reactions like this before and can help facilitate a conversation between you where you can be honest about your fears and worries going on without him and he can articulate why he wants to make this gift.

Pallisers · 14/09/2017 23:24

If I ve understood this he only wants to give 10 per cent of his death in service because he is dying. The advice to challenge him is bizare

No it isn't. This isn't a family member or a close best friend. It is the pleasant neighbours. Meanwhile his wife will be left with the cost of a funeral, managing the mortgage and all other bills by herself as well as her grief. It is well worth having a conversation. He is her husband - not some distant family member.

Notthemessiah · 14/09/2017 23:37

Some of the messages here are unsympathetic even for mumsnet. Seems even imminent death isn't enough to not accuse a man of being selfish or inconsiderate. In the end, he is the one that's having to cope with dying, which isn't to say it isn't a horrible thing for the op to go through but it is another level entirely. Those rudely questioning his sanity or suggesting there is something wrong with his brain need to discover some empathy - fairly sure if this was happening to me, my mind would be all over the place.

I think the op is right to discuss with him how it makes her feel but at 32 and with no kids I don't think the money is going to make that much difference. If it were my Dp, I'd be doing everything possible to help make his remaining time as good as possible and would definitely not want to make his death about me rather than him.

stonecircle · 15/09/2017 00:41

Totally agree Notthemessiah.

wotwhat · 15/09/2017 00:55

The op is not making his death about her. She has totally understandable worries. She has suffered grief, and is scared of suffering more. Sadly practicalities have to be taken care of.

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