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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I rang the number and I feel broken.

86 replies

harrasedmom · 12/09/2017 22:39

A message popped up on my husbands phone with an unknown number saying 'not chatting?'. After scribbling down the number and it eating me away for 2 nights I ask him who it was.
He proceeded to tell me it was his male friend who was having phone trouble. After him trying to show me an alternate number and saying it was his friend I rang it in front of him. Flustered husband tries frantically to type a quick message from his phone to number. Abracadabra..... a lady answers and I start to talk while my husband shouts over me so the person on the other end hears and says sorry I think you have the wrong number and puts down the phone. My husbands reaction tells me it's not.
His explanation finally was an ex from 8 years ago who found his number last week and text him to tell him she has a terminal illness. They have been passing messages back and fourth since. He does not know how she got his number - because his FB account is private. He denies finding her in FB.
This also happened 6 months ago with someone else who he did a course with many years ago. He denied a affair but said a few messages had passed between them which was just hit chit chat - the messages were deleted I was unable to see them. I warned him how much it hurt and how it could be perceived and If out were to happen again we would split.

He now blames this situation on me. He said he did not tell me because he thought I would over react. I know I'm not in the wrong. I've never ever been a jelous wife. I asked him to call her in front of me he refused. He said she's married with a child and he didn't want to cause trouble. Her phone has now blocked my number. He keeps repeating over that he has not cheated. Why have secret messages and go to the trouble of hiding it if it was innocent?

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 12/09/2017 22:42

Sadly he is not innocent. His actions were not those of an innocent man.

You know he is guilty, you need no more evidence. You just need to decide what you want to do now.

Original poster

harrasedmom · 12/09/2017 22:42

OP posts:

hiphopcat · 12/09/2017 22:43

Obviously NOT innocent or he would not have tried to hide it.

Monitor the situation and keep your eye on him. He is lying, and is probably cheating on you.

43percentburnt · 12/09/2017 22:43

Do you have real life support?

Cosmic123 · 12/09/2017 22:53

Poor you. He sounds like a dick. How dare he blame you. How disgusting. You are entirely blameless here. I cannot stand it when people try to behave their own shitty behaviour on others. Nobody can make you behave like that. It sounds like it's not the first time he's behaved like this. Please don't let any man treat you badly. You are worth so much more than that xxx

LondonNicki · 12/09/2017 22:55

Yes please find a friend in real life you can discuss this with. So sorry you are going through this, your husband sounds guilty I'm afraid.
Can you meet a friend tomorrow to talk to? Xx

LondonNicki · 12/09/2017 22:57

And don't let him gasslight you or make you think you're being 'crazy'. He will try that and you're not. Listen to your instincts xx

RiseToday · 12/09/2017 23:06

His story is laughable. I also don't buy the bit about terminal illness for one second - and what an awful thing to lie about to try and worm his way out of it.

He also has form for being deceitful and personally I think it's more than likely he's had an affair with this one and the one before, however much he protests his innocence.

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 12/09/2017 23:12

I warned him how much it hurt and how it could be perceived and If out were to happen again we would split.

You need to mean this and not let him call your bluff or it will just keep on happening

SingingSeuss · 12/09/2017 23:17

Wow. Yelling over you? He sounds like a child. The ow must be so proud.... I'm so sorry this has happened op

BMW6 · 12/09/2017 23:18

Tell him to get the fuck out of your home and your life. He's cheating on you - again.

Sorry OP, but he is not worth a single tear of yours. he is a massive cheating lying gaslighting CUNT.

blueshoes · 12/09/2017 23:20

Why would she block your number and say it is the wrong number if it is all innocent and it was all about her terminal illness. Your dh and her have something to hide from you.

In fact, your dh is such a piss poor actor and liar it is farcical and she is no better at playing it cool. Then trying to put the blame on you?

Are you sure you want to be with this man? If you do not kick him to the kerb this time, he will do it again.

Original poster

harrasedmom · 12/09/2017 23:26

I know in my heart it's not innocent. I hardly gave any family and few friends so have no one to discuss it with but everyone on here has just confirmed the thoughts in my brain. I feel overwhelmed with the thought of separating but there is no going back for me. My trust and respect has totally been stamped in and he will never be able to repair that.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 12/09/2017 23:28

If it was innocent why would he shout over to get her to finish the call.

Jux · 12/09/2017 23:30

You can either do what you said you will do, or look forward to many years ahead of this happening again, and again, and again.....

highinthesky · 12/09/2017 23:35

He might not be cheating on you but he's sure as hell not being honest with you. You're worth more than that and it's time to let him know in no uncertain terms.

cafenoirbiscuit · 12/09/2017 23:37

and it will always be your fault, or he will say you're crazy and untrusting.

gluteustothemaximus · 12/09/2017 23:47

So sorry OP. This is so shit.

But thank god you saw the message pop up, and took down the number.

When a person has cheated they will only admit the least they can get away with...it was only a text, it was just the once, I knew how you'd react so I didn't say anything.

They are also masters at twisting it to make you look the bad one.

If an ex got in contact with me, DH would know, as I would tell him. Vice versa too.

This smells of BS.

You are strong. You don't need him. You are worth so much more.

I have been cheated on, and gone back for more after believing all the crap they churn out like textbook. Do not waste another second on this man unless finding a solicitor for a divorce.

Sorry

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2017 23:48

Your husband is a lying, cheating, pathetic bastard. He will continue to cheat as long as you continue to put up with this bullshit. The choice is yours - stay and be taken for a mug or leave and find real happiness, because you won't have it with this shithead.

RaincloudOfDoom · 13/09/2017 00:08

If all he was doing was offering support to an ex suffering from a terminal illness he would not have panicked when you called her. At the very least he is having an emotional affair. And not for the first time apparently.

RedastheRose · 13/09/2017 00:20

His behaviour tells you everything you need to know. He's a cheat and a liar. He will say that there is nothing going on, he's just being a good friend, it was only a kiss etc etc he will minimise and lie and gaslight you to make you think that it is you who are wrong, if you weren't a jealous wife he wouldn't have to hide things from you. If you stay he will repeat and repeat and repeat and you will waste your life with someone who doesn't deserve your love. So sorry you are going through this

Joysmum · 13/09/2017 06:07

He said he did not tell me because he thought I would over react

That's a trigger for me right there.

You would not 'over' react, you would react as befits the fact that he has been caught as a lying cheater twice now.

You are perfectly entitled to have all the feelings you do in the realisation that you you are married to a habitual lying cheater who doesn't respect you enough to behave as somebody should in a committed marriage, especially since he knows the hurt he caused last time.

I think you know what you should do and hope you have the strength to do it as you don't deserve to be tied to a lying cheat until one of you dies.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 06:34

Ah I'm sorry op.

A friend with a terminal illness who says it's the wrong number whilst hearing his voice? She blocks you? He lies it's a guy? He texts to warn her? He shouts over you to warn her?

Well he's a shit liar and not good under pressure is he? But yes he's having an affair and you called the other woman.

If you want to find out who she is put her number in google. Sometimes it tells you who it's linked to. x

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2017 06:44

Yeah it doesn't sound good; he's almost definitely been cheating

You could also try putting the number into Facebook and the profile might come up

WhingyNinja · 13/09/2017 06:45

This fucker is absolutely textbook, he's so incredibly transparent and a shit liar too. The part where you said he shouted over you actually had me . Good luck with your removal of him!

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