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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I rang the number and I feel broken.

86 replies

harrasedmom · 12/09/2017 22:39

A message popped up on my husbands phone with an unknown number saying 'not chatting?'. After scribbling down the number and it eating me away for 2 nights I ask him who it was.
He proceeded to tell me it was his male friend who was having phone trouble. After him trying to show me an alternate number and saying it was his friend I rang it in front of him. Flustered husband tries frantically to type a quick message from his phone to number. Abracadabra..... a lady answers and I start to talk while my husband shouts over me so the person on the other end hears and says sorry I think you have the wrong number and puts down the phone. My husbands reaction tells me it's not.
His explanation finally was an ex from 8 years ago who found his number last week and text him to tell him she has a terminal illness. They have been passing messages back and fourth since. He does not know how she got his number - because his FB account is private. He denies finding her in FB.
This also happened 6 months ago with someone else who he did a course with many years ago. He denied a affair but said a few messages had passed between them which was just hit chit chat - the messages were deleted I was unable to see them. I warned him how much it hurt and how it could be perceived and If out were to happen again we would split.

He now blames this situation on me. He said he did not tell me because he thought I would over react. I know I'm not in the wrong. I've never ever been a jelous wife. I asked him to call her in front of me he refused. He said she's married with a child and he didn't want to cause trouble. Her phone has now blocked my number. He keeps repeating over that he has not cheated. Why have secret messages and go to the trouble of hiding it if it was innocent?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2017 13:52

It's ridiculous that you should move out - what is easier for you all - him included - is for your joint children to not have to adjust to new schools, new childminders at this time of quite traumatic change. He's still going to be responsible for finacially supporting them too, which is going to be a whole lot more expensive if the second 'house' to be found has to be big enough for a family and not just one person.

No way should you be finding a new home while he sits, one grown adult, taking up a family home all by himself.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:54

I don't want the house, we live miles away from anywhere (a recent move). I'm happy for him to buy me out/sell then I will move closer to friends for some support (still within 20 miles).

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 13/09/2017 13:55

Op, you sound like a strong woman that wont take any crap or be treated like shit. Good on you.

There is another thread on here where a woman has caught her husband txting a work colleague pervy messages. She could do with your strength bless her.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:58

Thanks jersey girl but I feel like a tub of jelly. I managed 2 hours in work today before I had to come home.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:58

P.s what does OP stand for? Xx

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2017 13:59

"My biggest upset is telling our child when it's times to move out etc"
Think through your options, don't just assume that you will be moving out. Making this easy for your school-aged child should be something HE is also prioritising, not just you. It would probably be more practical for him to move out, to minimise the disruption for your child.

As well as child support from him, you may be eligible for state benefits as a single parent; and you would qualify for a reduction in council tax if there is only one adult in the household. Financially, you may not be as badly off as you fear.

RachelP247 · 13/09/2017 14:00

WOW OP. Well proud of you for not putting up with the shit and separating! That's HUGE. You're so brave, well done. It WILL all work out in the end for you trust me.

And the bloke moves out of the child's home.....

XJerseyGirlX · 13/09/2017 14:02

OP = Original Poster :-)

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 14:03

Thanks whereyoulefit. I don't want the house. It's extremely rural and I hardly know anyone. I have a total 50 mile commute to work everyday. So I'm not sorry to leave it when sold and find somewhere else.

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 13/09/2017 14:06

Of course you feel like a tub of jelly. You have just discovered your partner is a lying bastard who actually wrongly thought you were stupid enough to believe the bull shit cover story that came after it.

Imagine the shitty life youll have if you stay with him, never knowing if he is telling the truth, having to man his phone.. fuck that.

Get rid now while you've some strength left, have him buy you out and get a new life away from this tosser. To think that womans poor husband is supporting her through cancer and she does this to him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2017 14:09

Massive cross-post, you'd already said you preferred to move before I finally posted!

Again, you're doing the right thing, moving to somewhere better-suited to your needs.

Feeling like a tub of jelly is fine; well not fine of course, but understandable. This is still raw, and you'll be in shock for a bit.

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/09/2017 14:12

i'd be tracking down OW husband and telling him........

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 14:15

Heebie Jeebies karma is a bitch. She doesn't need me, she will mess her own life up eventually.

OP posts:
redthunder123 · 13/09/2017 14:18

everything happens for a reason and nothing is permanent .

Please remember that and I wish you the best of luck with your life. Your clearly strong and sensible as your not overlooking this or begging him to stay.

Your child will be proud of you for making this choice one day.

mussinboots · 13/09/2017 14:20

OP- why should you move out when he's in the wrong? Stay put. You have more legal rights whilst staying in the property than if you left. Plus, it'll give the little one stability whilst you two sort out the details.

I must admit, you sound like an incredible person to be handling things so well. I'd have crumbled and struggled to hide what was happening. Stay strong and positive- better things will come out of this.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 14:24

Mussinboots if you sawy red swollen, snotty blotchy face..,..you would call an ambulance! :D

OP posts:
guestofclanmackenzie · 13/09/2017 14:44

Just read your update and I'm so proud of how strong and calmly you have handled this. It couldn't have been an easy phone call to make to the OW.

Well done for having the strength and self respect to lay it on the line that you will not put up with being shit on.Flowers

Gemini69 · 13/09/2017 14:45

wow... well done you for calling on her equally galling behaviour.. and taking a stand for you and your children OP Flowers

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/09/2017 15:03

You brave brave girl.
He is , without doubt, a lying cheat. The fact that he 1) shouted a warning to her when you phoned. 2) she blocked your number 3) their stories match perfectly 4) he isn't begging you not to separate. All of these facts point to only one thing.
What would I do? I would be frantically trying to move every penny we have into MY name. I would be making an appointment with a shit hot lawyer. I would be packing his bags. And I would be preparing to phone ' the other womans' husband. After all, if it is an affair he needs to know and if it's all as innocent as they are declaring then he will presumably either know about the contact or be fine with it. If the shit hits the fan there then you know for certain PLUS it gives you extra leverage when you divorce him if he has committed adultery.
Don't panic. Your brain is working and that's REALLY important when somethimg like this happens. Your child will be absolutly fine - after all, he/ she has you for a mummy. Kids are very resilient and it's not like it's an unusual thing in the playground any more.
I'm very pleased you are refusing to be walked over or blamed for any of this, you are string, you have backbone and your courage shines out from your posts. This time will pass. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be nice but you and your child are fit and healthy and you WILL get through this. And one day in the future you will sit and look at your life and realise how much better off you are.
Good luck. And go and see a solicitor, most give you the first meeting free.

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/09/2017 15:04

STRONG not string!

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 15:10

Thankyou Yorkshire yummy mummy. I needed that hand hold.

OP posts:
mussinboots · 13/09/2017 15:16

Mussinboots if you sawy red swollen, snotty blotchy face..,..you would call an ambulance! :D

If you're not allowed to feel sh*t over this, I'm not sure who is. Embrace the tears, swelling, blotchiness and snot and keep going. Better days will come. Masses of respect to you for standing up for yourself- I've seen too many women cave in to fear/familial pressures and let their husbands get away with murder. You sound like a resilient person who will be fine in the end. Go you!

DressedCrab · 13/09/2017 15:27

So much admiration for you, OP. Stay strong.

MrsMozart · 13/09/2017 17:34

Hang on in there lass. You will get through it okay Flowers

ConcreteUnderpants · 13/09/2017 18:34

You sent your DH a text to say you're separating. He agrees just like that. Fair enough.
But what I really want to know, is how did you manage to get someone from the CAB to ring you back the next day???
Hmm