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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I rang the number and I feel broken.

86 replies

harrasedmom · 12/09/2017 22:39

A message popped up on my husbands phone with an unknown number saying 'not chatting?'. After scribbling down the number and it eating me away for 2 nights I ask him who it was.
He proceeded to tell me it was his male friend who was having phone trouble. After him trying to show me an alternate number and saying it was his friend I rang it in front of him. Flustered husband tries frantically to type a quick message from his phone to number. Abracadabra..... a lady answers and I start to talk while my husband shouts over me so the person on the other end hears and says sorry I think you have the wrong number and puts down the phone. My husbands reaction tells me it's not.
His explanation finally was an ex from 8 years ago who found his number last week and text him to tell him she has a terminal illness. They have been passing messages back and fourth since. He does not know how she got his number - because his FB account is private. He denies finding her in FB.
This also happened 6 months ago with someone else who he did a course with many years ago. He denied a affair but said a few messages had passed between them which was just hit chit chat - the messages were deleted I was unable to see them. I warned him how much it hurt and how it could be perceived and If out were to happen again we would split.

He now blames this situation on me. He said he did not tell me because he thought I would over react. I know I'm not in the wrong. I've never ever been a jelous wife. I asked him to call her in front of me he refused. He said she's married with a child and he didn't want to cause trouble. Her phone has now blocked my number. He keeps repeating over that he has not cheated. Why have secret messages and go to the trouble of hiding it if it was innocent?

OP posts:
Penhacked · 13/09/2017 06:46

I second all the above. You are well rid.

strawberrisc · 13/09/2017 06:50

If you want to get to the bottom of it you could phone that number from an alternative phone. Is it worth it though?

SemiNormal · 13/09/2017 06:57

He said he did not tell me because he thought I would over react - fucking hell, that old chestnut! Why do they all seem to say the same thing? Is there a book they read on how to cheat and what excuses to throw around?! My ex used this, he also told me how EVERYONE lies to me because of how I over react. 100% not true but after years of abuse I sadly believed him and further distanced myself from everyone as I felt I couldn't trust them (oh the irony)!

Is there anyway you can find her on Facebook? I imagine she will have blocked your profile but you can check from a friends account maybe? Perhaps she will have posted something about her 'illness' if that is the case (unlikely though I know).

Their reactions are certainly suspicious. If I were the other woman in this scenario and it was all innocent and I had a terminal illness I sure as hell wouldn't just say wrong number! I'd explain the situation and say something like 'I'm so sorry, please don't be mad at your OH I was simply wanting to reconnect with some old friends during this difficult time just for support and friendship'. It seems extremely odd to just say wrong number Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/09/2017 06:57

I'm sorry you've found out like this. At least you know now though. His excuse reads like a script from Eastenders. Do you know what you want to do now?

Petalflowers · 13/09/2017 07:10

Do you still have the number? Can you ring it from another phone, or get a friend to phone?

Not sure if this is the right course of action or not.

To me, the lying and hiding is worst than the communication itself. Also, the "not chatting?" Sounds quite familiar. He says he doesn't want to cause trouble, but he has already established regular contact with her.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 07:15

Calling from another phone won't make a difference, she's already been warned.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 07:31

I never slept at all last night and now I have to put a smile on my face and drop my child off at school today and do a full day at work. While worrying like hell where we are going to move to, money, childcare etc.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 07:33

Why do you have to move and not him? Don't leave the family home. Make an appt with a solicitor and find out your rights.

Is the house in both your names?

thereallochnessmonster · 13/09/2017 07:34

His explanation finally was an ex from 8 years ago who found his number last week and text him to tell him she has a terminal illness.

Oh, that old chestnut... Hmm

OP, I'm sorry. He's a liar and a cheat - his reaction tells you everything you need to know. What are you going to do? Flowers

AJPTaylor · 13/09/2017 07:40

If this is genuine in most lives it would go like this.

Do you remember Sarah that girl i used to go out with?
She has been diagnosed as terminal. Isnt that terrible.

Chunkymonkey123 · 13/09/2017 07:55

I'm really sorry OP.
Don't you move out of your house, ask him to leave and if he doesn't move him out while he's at work. You and your child are the most important thing now,

If he was sorry at all he would be begging and pleading forgiveness but instead he's made it your fault.

lollipop7 · 13/09/2017 08:04

I am really sorry to read about what a nasty shock you've had and the damage it has done.

Personally I don't think there is any need to ring this woman again on a different number or ask her any questions, I think you know all you need to. The bigger issue is your relationship and the fact he has smashed your respect, trust and peace of mind. That would and has been a deal breaker for me recently.

If you know that's it then you need some space between you and him to contemplate your future ad plan your next steps. If he's decent he'll move out and just accept he's responsible. If not then you'll have to steady your nerve and get tough with him.

Oh and if he starts with the tear and pleading just tell him to shut the fuck up and that it won't work.

The terminal illness thing is despicable and I think not to be believed for one second.

Hope you're ok 💐

Myhomeismycastle · 13/09/2017 08:12

What a shit Angry as others have said at first they will lie & then they will tell you the bare minimum & then it will be the I'm sorry crap voice of bitter experience

You don't deserve this & don't let him for one second think that you do Flowers

Play your cards close to your chest for now. Do you both own your home or rented? Do a benefits calculator on line to see if you're entitled to anything? Also a CSA calculator? Input his wages & it will tell you how much you would receive per month. Start putting money by now.

I'll honestly never fully understand it, wtf is wrong with these men? You're worth so much more than this. You will be fine. You CAN do it op.

m4rdybum · 13/09/2017 12:50

I don't often say this OP, but LTB Flowers

His reaction when you called the phone is a huge slap in the face to you. If he was talking to this woman innocently, he wouldn't need to warn her and shout to her that you were ringing him.

What a knob jockey.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:08

I've spoken to the women today after ringing from another phone. They have been talking for around 2 weeks - just banter. No indication ever of wanting to meet up. She does not have a terminal illness. Although waiting an operation for cancer. She has a husband and a child. I asked her to put herself in my position and she should think twice in future. I also told her she was welcome to my manipulative, lying husband as we are now separated and there will be no reconciliation. I've messaged my husband a carmly to confirm we are to separate and he needs to tell his family as I will mine this weekend. I'm not looking forward to the terbulant time ahead in the next few months but I'm worth much more than any of this. I've also got in contact with citizens advice who are ringing me back tomorrow. I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stamped on it.

OP posts:
TrailingWife · 13/09/2017 13:16

Make an exit plan. Get your ducks in a row. Copy important papers. Sort out finances.

Even if you aren't quite ready to leave yet, start getting your head around it.

m4rdybum · 13/09/2017 13:18

I'm worth much more than any of this

THIS - yes, OP. You are worth so much more.

Patchouli666 · 13/09/2017 13:31

Time to put yourself and child first your fucked of a h hasn't for along while has he. Met him be some other woman's burden. You sound lovely. Good luck

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2017 13:32

I'm so sorry harrasedmom, but you are doing the right thing. Without trust, a relationship is doomed, and there is no way back from his behaviour. Even if it was just "talking for around 2 weeks - just banter" his behaviour shows it was going to be far more. And frankly I don't believe her - he's had time to contact her and agree a fairy tale.

(((hugs)))

cherryontopp · 13/09/2017 13:34

It does seem like she is lying for him. If it was all platonic, why the lying? Secret number? Telling you its a make friend? Shouting over you? If it doesn't make sense its not true.
Given his already had a warning off you for texting, your definitely justified to give him the boot.

thethoughtfox · 13/09/2017 13:38

I'm so sorry your suspicions were confirmed but really admire your balls to keep going and find out the truth for yourself. Now you know what he is capable of. Don't move anywhere. You are married. You don't need to move. Get legal advice.

RaspberryMousse · 13/09/2017 13:40

Not that it really matters but did she say how the messaging started? Did she find his number as per his explanation flimsy excuse?

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:40

I know, she already told me she had spoken to him this morning. He's not asking to stay together he agrees to srperation now. Life is shite sometimes. My biggest upset is telling our child when it's times to move out etc and possibly changing schools etc. It's heartbreaking and I hate my husband putting us through this.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2017 13:50

He moves out, not you.

Shout it from the rooftops to all and sundry if he digs his heels in. Does he want you to detail to his family and friends exactly why you are separating and how he thinks that in the wake of that it's perfectly reasonable for you and the children to be the ones finding a new home? No? Then he moves out.

Original poster
harrasedmom · 13/09/2017 13:50

She said she found him on FB when she searched for his name - business page. I don't believe a word. Her story matched his and they had already spoken that morning to get it straight. They both should be ashamed. I hope it was all worth it.

OP posts:
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