Being teetotal makes me lonely

[ohshiz]

I'm so lonely. I'm 29 with two kids and a fiancé but I long for a friend. I think I'm kind and friendly but I have no girl friends apart from a few mere acquaintances. I don't get invited anywhere but fb shows how all of these meet up regularly. I've tried so many times to organise coffee out or lunch but I've stopped trying now because the rejection is too much. I don't drink and I've found that isolates me even more. It seems no one wants to do lunch or dinner drink free. Whilst of course people are free to have a wine or two of their own accord I find that it instantly leaves me out - people get drunk, I get left out more. I'm not sure if this is the right place but I've been so sad today. I'm getting married in 4 weeks. My bridesmaids are my daughters and I have no friends coming. It's just family and dp's friends. I would love a friend to text, call now and then, go shopping etc. I don't expect to burden anyone, id just like a friend!

Are you maybe a little judgemental about people drinking op? I pick it up from your comment they are free to have a "wine or two".

I have a couple of friends who don't drink, one totally tea total and one who doesn't drink very much at all, it doesn't impact on their ability to join in or their invites.

Only twenty percent of the population are tea total and many of them mumsnetters it seems but there is no issue being tea total unless you're sniffy or judgemental about others choices and this will impact their desire to socialise with you.

Do you work OP ? Do you have any hobbies that you could do that would mean meeting new people in a social context ?

It can feel that way if you don't drink. I stopped drinking a while ago and i felt the same in a way in that i didn't think it possible to socialise without drinking.

I started by pursuing other interests, meeting new people, and starting to form new friendships that way. In the past my friendships used to start by meeting people at social events involving alcohol, nights out, parties etc.

Could you get involved in any volunteering ?

No not at all but it does make me feel instantly left out iykwim. I find as a non drinker I always have to justify myself which is pretty annoying! I honestly just want a friend so if it means me being left out then so be it but it'd be nice to at least be asked.

Yes I do work. But I'm not ever included in social things. I just don't get invited and I don't even know about these events until after I've seen the fb photos. As I said in my op, I've tried to suggest coffee etc before now but just get feeble excuses so I've stopped trying.

What interests do you have? Is there a hobby that you want to take up, something new that you want to do? Join a club, an organisation, a course; something where you are more likely to meet like-minded people and see what happens there?

I feel like I'm some sort of social alien for not drinking. People it seems can't fathom it.

How old are your children ? You don't have to answer but just wondering if they are young enough to arrange playdates and get to meet other mums. Sharing coffee at play centres, that sort of thing. I met new people who are now friends doing that sort of thing.

I wouldn't worry too much about colleagues. They probably just think you won't enjoy it/it's not your thing so don't think to mention it.

My daughters are 3 and 7. The oldest has play dates. I work every day though so don't do school runs very much. Really, I've thought of all these things though I do appreciate the suggestions.

I don't think it's just the drinking to be honest though. I'm teetotal now so going out for drinks and the like on a Friday isn't really my scene anymore but i'm still happy to pop along to the pub for a bit with others.

On the flipside, i've just found other things to do as well to meet and do things in other social contexts.

Have a look at what's going on in your area like PP said; clubs, community projects etc

FWIW i've found people aren't really bothered whether you drink or not. Sounds like you just need to branch out to meet new people

That said, i know it's hard when you work and have young children!

Pick an evening for yourself and take up something new xx

I've several friends who are teetotal and it's simply not an issue. In fact our main "organiser" in our group is teetotal... We also have people who enjoy several bottles of wine on a big night. It's just not a big deal.

I think you just need to branch out and meet other people tbh. Have you tried churchy sorts of stuff?

Please don't blame your lack of social life on being tea total I'm pregnant so not drinking but even when not pregnant I hardly ever drink (one g&t and I'm done), I've still managed to go out in the evenings and party till 2am with people who are drinking.

Now I'm pregnant I do lots of coffees and lunches with other new mums or pregnant women. Are you sure you're making enough of an effort in asking people out for lunch? What about other mums with DC close to age as yours? Meeting any mums in the park, or at school, or having play-dates then invite the mum to stay for coffee and cake?

Failing that, download Meet-Up. It's a great app and you'll find something that piques your interest.

I really like going to the theatre but don't know anyone else who does. Plus the fact London tickets are crazy money so I can't really expect someone to happily wave off £60-£100. I tried a yoga class which I enjoyed for me but had to stop as it clashed with new working hours.

What do you mean "churchy things?". Sorry I don't go to church so I don't know what those are.

I have a group of friends who have excluded me for not drinking. Alcohol makes me very ill, including all the next day.
They have people they can dump their kids on, I don't.
They also like to go and spend a lot of money on doing this (cocktails etc). There was a period of time when I wasn't working and I honestly said 'I can't afford it' they didn't believe me - this was very disappointing coming from my also non working friend (and a single parent!) . I couldn't really afford clothes to wear out.

I think I have been labelled boring now.

We aren't young - they aren't interested in doing anything else. I can't think of anything else worse than being in town with loads of 20 year olds, sober. So I don't see them....

I am lucky that I do have a friend who likes doing non drinking things - I wish I had more though.

It's an interesting one.

On one side I think making friends as an adult is hard, and it's not unlike making friends at school where you have to fit in or be similar people . People are more accepting of others like them.

Being tea total will have an effect. Some folks can do it and join in and have fun , others can't, they feel left out as you do.

I'm in the latter category also, if everyone is drinking bar me, I find o think they are being twats and I don't enjoy it. If I'm also drinking then it's fine.

Going out to dinner with a tea total person is awkward in that I would not drink alone, I would either not drink or strictly limit myself as I'd feel self conscious.

So unless you meet someone like minded, it's difficult to find social situations you fit into. As such, finding something where you have common interests would be key. Book clubs, sports, something where alcohol is not part of it.

Me too rude alcohol makes me really ill - vestibular migraines. I always find I'm having to explain this though as it seems "I don't drink" isn't a valid enough reason. "Oh are you driving? pregnant? A Martian?"

Churchy things are like choirs, charity committees, community outreach stuff like soup kitchens.

I can almost guarantee you there are scads of people on Meetup who will gladly include you in their huge groups who descend upon London for theatre outings...

I'm just the hangover queen - for days.... I can't lie in bed for days like I have the flu.

I had half a glass of wine the other week and I fell asleep at 8pm - I can't be doing that in bars.

I drank so much in my youth with no issue..... (apart from the vomiting and making an idiot of myself obvs)

I have never had loads of friends and it always seemed like everyone else did.

A few years ago I got 'involved' with a group that were all friends and at first thought it was nice to be part of quite a big group like that. Roll on a few months, I realised they were not true friends, not to me and not to each other. They talked about each other behind their backs and made comments to each other which were not nice but said with a smile so it was questionable. They classed themselves as best of friends.

It was then that I realised that what I class as a friend is sometimes not what other people do. I expect to be able to trust friends with my life, my children and know they will always do right by me and I think that is why I have only 1 'real friend.' We met whilst not trying to make friends, totally unexpected, after years of me thinking I would never have a good friend.

I do have far more acquaintances that I could go out with etc but I don't really feel comfortable socialising with people a lot that I don't fully trust. Don't be envious of what you see on facdbook, it's often a bit false. You sound really nice so my bet is that you will meet someone similar minded at some point when you least expect it.

I think you have the wrong friends. I drink alcohol, but I have teetotal friends and its not an issue. I drink but don't tend to get drunk.

My dd 24 doesnt drink and she has so many friends most of whom drink. She is very confident in her decision not to drink so its not an issue. My ds 26 also doesnt drink. He goes to all night parties etc has a good few friends too. Admittedly he has lost friends and e en a gf because of not drinking but he belongs to a big group so he didnt care.
I also rarely drink and none of my friends pass any comments.
This problem is not from drink. Its tough to make friends later in life.

OP I TOTALLY understand. I feel this way too. I've worked at my current workplace for over a year and still never told anyone I don't drink. The first 2 social events I went to and claimed I was on antibiotics the first time and driving the second, but have turned down all the social stuff since then as I didn't want to make an excuse again. Social things are very much 'a night out drinking' and I just feel pathetic standing there with my orange juice, and if I'm honest I don't enjoy the company of drunk people either. I haven't told my colleagues I don't drink as I know that it instantly turns people off you and makes them think you are boring and lame. I've literally seen people's facial expressions when I tell them. In my case it's because I take medication that doesn't go well with alcohol.

I'm 32 and have 2 kids - whereabouts are you? I'll be your friend. :) I have a few people in my life that I like and am friendly with - through the kids mainly - and I like my work colleagues but like you I miss having people who I'm close to. If I was to get married now (already married) I'd have about 3 friends there.

People who think it's a non issue because they have teetotal friends or because they are teetotal temporarily whilst pregnant really have no idea how crap the drinking culture in this country makes long-term teetotallers feel.

I've been teetotal for 10 years now. I've found that the drink focussed friends have fallen away from me, and those I have around me either are teetotal themselves or simply don't care that I don't drink. Getting shitfaced is not an essential part of our interactions.

It has been a long slow evolution to get to this point, but here I am. It no longer bothers me if somebody doesn't know I don't drink. Few people I meet now are fussed about it. I don't know if that's because we're no longer in my twenties or because I gravitate towards the kind who wouldn't care.

Maybe you need to choose new friends then.

I don't get the 'If they are not teetotal then they must be getting drunk' kind of black and white choice I see on here. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone I go out with, or even people I don't know well that might be at the same 'do' as me, 'drunk'. to be frank, at the end of the night (and I'm up now as I've just got in from a birthday party) I couldn't tell which of the people at the party were drinking alcohol and which weren't.
I think you need to stop judging people for enjoying a glass or two of alcohol, and would also second what others have suggested about not 'trying to find a friend' but to try to find something you will enjoy doing - a sport, a club, a hobby, some volunteering, whatever - and then you will be with other people who like doing the same thing, and more likely to find people whose company you enjoy.

Being teetotal is so ostracising. It's segregative. That's my experience. I'm fun but don't get the chance to be because inevitably people will start getting drunker and I'll get more left out.

The suggestion of "churchy" things, on reflection, I find a little insulting. I'm not remotely demeaning those who go to church that's not what I mean. What I mean is that, soup kitchens and charity work isn't exactly fun is it. Just because I'm teetotal, why should I have to meet people through oppressing ways?

I like to dance and chat too but being the only non drinker means without a doubt I'll be in a cab at 9pm as people start on the shots etc.

Unless you've experienced the social isolation of teetotalism, I'm afraid you just don't get it.