Being teetotal makes me lonely

[ohshiz]

I'm so lonely. I'm 29 with two kids and a fiancé but I long for a friend. I think I'm kind and friendly but I have no girl friends apart from a few mere acquaintances. I don't get invited anywhere but fb shows how all of these meet up regularly. I've tried so many times to organise coffee out or lunch but I've stopped trying now because the rejection is too much. I don't drink and I've found that isolates me even more. It seems no one wants to do lunch or dinner drink free. Whilst of course people are free to have a wine or two of their own accord I find that it instantly leaves me out - people get drunk, I get left out more. I'm not sure if this is the right place but I've been so sad today. I'm getting married in 4 weeks. My bridesmaids are my daughters and I have no friends coming. It's just family and dp's friends. I would love a friend to text, call now and then, go shopping etc. I don't expect to burden anyone, id just like a friend!

Surely those who have mentioned how they drink apple juice in a wine glass is just reinforcing the need to feel/look the same as the drinkers.

That post alone clearly says you don't want to look like/be mistaken for a drinker - so you do judge them.

It sounds like you're purposefully marking yourself out. It's the attitude, not the lack of alcohol that's making things difficult for you.

Obnoxious that this thread should even have to exist at all. It is easier to be included if you pour your drink (sparkly water, apple juice, coke, whatever) in the wine glass. Meanwhile I've read up on things and come to the conclusion I must have another gene; "the Brussels sprouts gene" which makes the sprouts (and alcohol) taste bitter and is best avoided.

There are masses of people who don't drink for one reason or another. Everyone has their own relationship with alcohol. It seems that OP you have a problem with it. If you are coming across as judgemental in your social group, you are going to be ostracised. People do not like to be judged and criticised.

What i find difficult about not drinking socially is that much of the office chat is about alcohol.

If we have a social evening it's about what and how much to drink. Whether to meet at x's place for a few first, who will share a taxi, who will stay at y's so they don't need to drive. All planned around alcohol. Then the day after it's about who drank the most, who was drunk, who felt awful the next day, who's coming for a fried breakfast, hangover remedies..

So as a newbie i struggle to join in with the conversation. Then i have to put up with the why's- am i pregnant? Antibiotics? Why not just have one to relax?

People find out you don't drink and you're automatically labelled uptight, boring, and people stop including you in the nights out conversation, and then the invites stop coming. If you do go people see it as a challenge to get you to drink and start having fun.

Surely those who have mentioned how they drink apple juice in a wine glass is just reinforcing the need to feel/look the same as the drinkers.

I drink wine from a wine glass, fruit juice from a wine glass and sparking water from a wine glass because I find wine glasses more appealing to hold and drink out of than straight glasses. I find it a strange attitude to think that I am trying to mimic drinking alcohol by the glass I use.

I have to agree it's not the lack of alcohol that is the issue but your judgmental attitude of those that choose otherwise. I have been out with numerous groups, some drink lots, some only have a couple of glasses and some are totally tee total and it matter not.

I'm teetotal, since forever (I'm 40s) for no better reason than I don't like alcohol. Tastes grim.

Sometimes, people around me are blind drunk (or very drunk) and that's isolating because they talk utter shite and can't listen or contribute coherently any more!

Also - much more then I was younger - some drinkers were quite dull in their repeated interrogation about WHY - and suggesting "oh but you'd like xyz".

But all of this is less isolating than a drink after work with two colleague / friends who like to talk football!

Don't focus on the alcohol, except for occasional dickheads, it's not the issue.

You'll have more in common with a drinker theatre goer than a sober soup kitchen volunteer.

Start doing theatre meet ups, look for a better timed yoga class and make a mental promise to yourself to stop focusing on alcohol!

Surely those who have mentioned how they drink apple juice in a wine glass is just reinforcing the need to feel/look the same as the drinkers.

Not all the time, no. I'm TT and sometimes, very occasionally, I do want to knock it back from a bottle, rather than having a glass of Diet Coke. And, when I do, I order a non-alcoholic lager and join the crowd.

I think that this goes a lot deeper than you simply being TT. If you don't make a big deal of it, I'm sure you'll find that others won't either. Seriously, it's never caused me a problem and I'm ordinary: very ..........well, ordinary .

Reach out to people, take an interest in them and you'll find your way into a social circle that 's right for you.

Wishing you every happiness.

S x

Surely those who have mentioned how they drink apple juice in a wine glass is just reinforcing the need to feel/look the same as the drinkers

I don't like having to pretend I drink. I hate it on here when I read women in the early stages of pregnancy going to really extreme lengths to cover the fact they aren't drinking and have their pregnancy revealed before they want.

Why can people not just accept not drinking. If someone says to me they aren't drinking I just say oh OK, i can still get you a coke or something. Drinkers will often try to hassle me into a drink and be really persistent with finding out the "reason". Because there must be one, people don't just not drink from choice, do they?

I've had people actually refuse to include me on rounds because "I'm not going to the bar and asking for a coke".

Why can people not just accept not drinking

People do just accept it, Please read the thread, and not just focus on one comment. Plenty of non drinkers on her or folks with friends who are non drinkers and it's no issue.The issue on this thread is the opposite, the op does not wish to accept the drinkers.

In fact it's worse than that, she doesn't even just go home early if out with them , she actually wishes there was alcohol free bars so she didn't need to be in their vicinity, whilst complaining she is lonely, she has no mates and no friends to invite to her wedding and seems to wonder why.

I've had people actually refuse to include me on rounds because "I'm not going to the bar and asking for a coke"

Really? I find that so strange. I'm not disputing what you say but it does just feel a bit alien to me.

At a (quite lairy) lads' end of day drinking do (I was the token female):

Him: 'Stevie, what you drinking?'
Me: 'Slimline tonic, please'
Him: 'Yep, what alcohol in that?'
Me: 'None, thanks; just the tonic'
Him 'No probs'

I didn't know the guy but he just respected what I said (and he was well sh*t-faced at the time). I can't even imagine a stranger refusing to buy me a soft drink, never mind someone I knew

S

The more you post, the more I think this has got nothing to do with the fact you are teetotal.
I do drink, sometimes. When I do drink,I'll have a couple - 3 at most - of glasses of wine or spirits with a mixer. When I am driving, or not drinking for another reason, I have never felt the need to go home at 9.30, or to not join the dancing, or joking around or whatever it is you think people can only do when they are under the influence of alcohol.
As someone else said upthread, you need to avoid going out with people who you think act stupidly. There are people whose company I don't particularly enjoy when they are stone cold sober - so I choose not to spend time socially with those people. It's got nothing to do with whether you drink alcohol or not, and everything to do with who you choose to spend time with. As an adult, I can't think of any of my peers who feel the need to down shots to be able to enjoy themself. I'm sure there are adults who do, but, as that's "not my thing" then we don't hang out together. What you need to do is find people who are more similar to yourself. That is often done through joining a group of people who like doing the same thing as you, however much you turn your nose up at it.

Haven't read the whole thread but with the greatest of respect, invites to "do coffee" are freaking boring.

Try inviting people to do actually interesting stuff. Check out an exhibition, go and see a film, try out an activity, hit a food market, etc etc. I like going out for drinks because you dont know where the night will lead. But coffee just feels so.....uninspiring. there's no problem being teetotal but for gods sake, please, no "lets go for coffee"ing.

I don't drink alcohol and never had an issue, even when I was younger and went clubbing.
Why are you going home early just because others are drinking? You will just be coming across as a misery arse if that's your routine. I will happily sit in a pub chatting to friends or a nice meal out.

I have never ever felt the need to have my soft drink in a wine glass or hide the fact I don't drink. Not my problem if others take issue with my non drinking.

I don't drink tea or coffee either which people think is more odd than no alcohol!

I have a fairly large group of friends, some of whom drink and some don't. Some go through periods of not drinking for various reasons. Most of us had children so obviously not drank through pregnancies. It seriously doesn't effect our friendship or the activities we all choose to do at all.
My non drinking friends like to go out to bars and have a dance as much as the next person. None of us get hammered on shots or anything like that. The drinkers have a few glasses of wine, the non drinkers on that particular night and for whatever reason, don't.
Your attitude seems very much like 'everyone who drinks gets hammered on shots and behaves like an idiot'. That's far from my experience. I think your attitude towards other people's choices may be holding you back.

Why can people not just accept not drinking

Err... I do. And all my friends too. Each to their own, honestly couldn't care less what others choose to drink.

I think people who think the OP is being snobby or judgmental are just feeling defensive. This is something that seems to happen all the time when someone is teetotal. Someone not drinking seems to make everyone else feel uncomfortable and judged. Also, unless you're teetotal, you really shouldn't comment on 'oh a group of us go out and everybody doesn't always drink' - it's not you and it's not the same.

The drinking culture in this country is HUGE. Everything is all about alcohol. Nights out are about who got drunk and what silly things they did and how crap they feel the next day. My last work 'do' (that I went to) had a generous supply of bottles in the function room - all of them alcoholic. There were literally no non-alcoholic drinks provided.

It's also isolating because drunk people are fucking DULL. I'd love to go out and chat and dance and have a laugh but when people are drinking they are not good at chatting, or dancing and they are not as funny as they think they are. Being sober amongst drunk people is really annoying and irritating. Even if they're nice drunks and not obnoxious ones, people lose their inhibitions and aren't their real selves with you so they're acting like your best friend but it's not real - and even if you do have a good time, your companions can't remember it properly the next day. Being sober amongst drunk people is a bigger kind of lonely than going home alone.

JayneA wrote "...people lose their inhibitions and aren't their real selves with you so they're acting like your best friend but it's not real - and even if you do have a good time, your companions can't remember it properly the next day. Being sober amongst drunk people is a bigger kind of lonely than going home alone."

So true!

I drink and I do know groups of people for whom getting hammered is part of the deal. They tend to gravitate to each other and are suspicious of people who don't drink (a quote). So many you know too many of these types of people and need to find friends who have a more take and leave it approach. There seem to be plenty on here. Hope you find your people.

Also, unless you're teetotal, you really shouldn't comment on 'oh a group of us go out and everybody doesn't always drink' - it's not you and it's not the same

I drink now but had a period of 3 years when I didn't in the past, but still went out.
I'm not defensive. Why would I be? I now drink, but a maximum of a couple of glasses of wine. I also know what it's like to be the non drinker. It feels like someone who does drink can't say anything without being shot down by those who are adamant that everyone who isn't teetotal is a twattish drunk bore knocking back shots and stumbling round the streets. There is a middle ground.

There are 4 of us in my group of 'best friends'. One is teetotal. One (me) has had long periods of not drinking at all. 2 drink, but I haven't seen them 'drunk' since they were about 18.
All I'm trying to say is that I have close teetotal friends, and still had friends in the long period when I didn't drink at all (in my 20's). So maybe being teetotal isn't the barrier to a social life that you think. If you only meet people who's social life revolves around drink, you need to think of new places to meet people.

In my friendship group no one would blink at non drinkers. We'd all continue with all the usual arrangements and non drinker would just have alternatives without issue. Maybe you're asking the wrong people?

Unless you've experienced the social isolation of teetotalism, I'm afraid you just don't get it.

I'm teetotal but have never experienced social isolation because of it. I used to be an expat and go to and hold a lot of parties with loads if drinking and dancing - it was never an issue. Although I'll admit I used to feel a bit when some of them used to get really plastered but I didn't really care. I now live somewhere where my friendship group has a few people who don't drink much and where drinking to excess isn't normal. We still go out and have a great time we just don't drink too much and some of us don't drink at all.
When I was young I used to go clubbing as much as anyone and not drinking was never an issue for me then either.

Two of my four kids don't drink (one is teetotal and the be just rarely drinks) Out of my four kids it's the teetotal one that parties and socialises the most. He is really often the only one not drinking but it doesn't bother him. He doesn't disapprove of drink he just doesn't like it. ( he also thinks it's saved him loads and loads of money over the years)

OP, I don't think the fact you are teatotal is necessarily your problem. I think it might be who you've ended up being friends with.

Two of my girls-just-wanna-have -fun thrashes don't drink. They're (happily) the designated drivers when we go out and we pay them,gratefully, £4-5 to deliver us safely home at the end of the night.
Win/win situation all round..
Have you offered to do something similar, OP?
Works for us ! (Goes off singing the cindy Lopez classic, loudly and out of tune, natch....)

I think you being tee total is a red herring.

I didn't drink alcohol at all for 13 years (I wasn't a pleasant drunk and decided to give it up altogether).

It didn't make any difference whatsoever to my friendships or social life. In fact, I spent all of my 20s tee total and had a blast!

I think you'd be better off looking at what's really getting in the way of you creating and keeping friendships.

I think it's something else too. Not the drinking