Being teetotal makes me lonely

[ohshiz]

I'm so lonely. I'm 29 with two kids and a fiancé but I long for a friend. I think I'm kind and friendly but I have no girl friends apart from a few mere acquaintances. I don't get invited anywhere but fb shows how all of these meet up regularly. I've tried so many times to organise coffee out or lunch but I've stopped trying now because the rejection is too much. I don't drink and I've found that isolates me even more. It seems no one wants to do lunch or dinner drink free. Whilst of course people are free to have a wine or two of their own accord I find that it instantly leaves me out - people get drunk, I get left out more. I'm not sure if this is the right place but I've been so sad today. I'm getting married in 4 weeks. My bridesmaids are my daughters and I have no friends coming. It's just family and dp's friends. I would love a friend to text, call now and then, go shopping etc. I don't expect to burden anyone, id just like a friend!

You come across as a bit self absorbed and a victim in your posts. Lighten up a bit and you will find some friends! Lots of people don't drink but it doesn't stop them from being popular.

Baching sorry you've perceived me in that way. I can't articulate how lonely I am and how desperately sad it makes me.

I like to dance and chat too but being the only non drinker means without a doubt I'll be in a cab at 9pm as people start on the shots etc

I think you maybe nailed it, the difference with my non drinking friends is they last the pace join in and have fun. Not drinking makes no difference to them. You aren't able to do this, you ostracise yourself, you chose to disengage, which is your right but obviously you need to understand it's you and you alone who is deciding to not engage..

I still do suspect you're judgemental.

People will not stop dong what they enjoy because you don't like it. The only person ostracising themselves is you, I think it's important to recognise that. Not everyone gets drunk or shitfaced, many drink responsibly, many designated drivers, but you chose to not hang around to see that, and that's why you're lonely as you don't integrate.💐

I'm not sure why the suggestion of churchy things is insulting. Do you think they are beneath you? You want to make friends so doing something community spirited is a good idea.

I had sympathy for you at the start of the thread but you are increasingly coming across as judgemental.

Join in with something. We don't know what's on in your area - do some research.

Not beneath me at all it'd just be nice if such a thing as non alcoholic bars were a thing. Hey maybe I'll start one!

I'm not sure what the answer is for you really. (I doubt an alcohol-free bar would take off!)

What would your ideal be?

As others have said, it sounds like you'd like a night out dancing but for others not to drink. In which case YABU! Our nighttime culture does revolve around alcohol but not necessarily to excess. Particularly if you have to deal with children the next day! Unless they're all without children I find it hard to believe that they all get smashed every time. More likely just a few. You can't expect everyone to not drink at all.

You mentioned the theatre. Do you chat to people at work? When you're chatting why not suss out if anyone fancies going to a particular play? Maybe in a local theatre rather than West end. Cheaper and usually a short run so you'd need to set a date rather than 'one day'.

Going for coffee is trickier. It's a quick thing as people don't tend to have several. And it tends to be daytime thing. After work there are things to do like make dinner etc. And at the weekend I assume you'd want to spend time with your DC.

I've never been teetotal but don't always drink when we go out. I like to know how I'm getting home so I often drive. I don't need to drink to be happy and chatty so nobody would be any the wiser. And seeing everyone else drinking doesn't bother me either. I get my J2O when they get a drink and join in the dancing and general fun.

Someone mentioned sadly clutching an orange juice feeling excluded. Why? Everyone still talks, they don't drink in silence, you can talk too. Everyone goes for a dance, you can dance. Kebab after? You can still eat. All these things can be done with or without a drink.

Show everyone that you're just as much fun sober as they are drunk and you'll be included. Stand giving off vibes of disapproval and you'll be excluded. Sorry.

One of my best friends doesn't drink. She is alot of fun and stays the course when we are out. It doesn't impact her friendship circle at all. She has mocktails, happy to be in the pub or club etc.

If this isn't your scene then fine but I would suggest leaving at 9 because the shots are starting is one of the issues here, no one invites you because they probably think you are not having a good time.

How about joining the WI? You'll meet a wide range of women there,

Ok. I'm teetotal. I do understand that sometimes it can feel isolating to be the only sober person in the room.

BUT this I think is more down to my mindset than those I am with. They are not thinking "let's ignore badger as she's on the lime and soda". They are simply having a good tipsy time. If I stop focusing on how it feels like I'm the only sober one, and just join in a conversation/group/banter it's fine.

If you want to find activities that don't involve drinking, then you may need to join groups that have another focus. Isn't second the suggestion of choirs. If you are sporty (or even if you aren't!) running and cycling groups seem popular where I am.

I do drink but if my friends were doing shots I'd feel out of place.
I agree that there's a middle ground of a few glasses of wine and staying out till 11.

Not saying you should drink a few glasses of wine, but just that it might be a happier mix for you.

We have teetotal friends who party hard, a few of them.

Most nights we go out half the people going are driving, so half aren't drinking. We went to a fantastic party last weekend where I had one glass of prosecco because I was doing a run the next morning, and I managed to dance the night away until midnight.

Honestly, unless you mix with only the heaviest drinkers in the country, being teetotal isnt a problem.

I'm older than you, but the above has been the situation since we were about thirty.

Unless you've experienced the social isolation of teetotalism, I'm afraid you just don't get it.

I didn't drink a drop of alcohol between the ages of 20 to 35, and still had an active social life.

The problem is not the alcohol, it's the people you want to hang out with. If they only do alcohol-based socialising, they are not your tribe.

I've been teetotal all my life, never found it a problem and I'm not lonely. I have never judged others, I provide wine at meals with friends, I just don't drink it myself and have apple juice (in a wine glass) instead. Never needed to justify myself over it; I can't remember anyone asking, to be honest.

If I go out for a meal, others drink alcohol, I drink orange/water/elderflower or whatever instead. No problems. If costs need to be split I never say anything about the alcohol, I pay my fair share even though others have been drinking and so the average cost is higher....my choice not to drink, shouldn't be foisted on others.

I'm not sure that it's the teetotal which is making you lonely? Most people are happy to have a coffee get-together where alcohol doesn't even feature. Why don't you go to work events? Ask to be told about them and make an effort to go and join in....you don't have to drink.

If you feel not drinking alcohol somehow "marks you out" you are creating a 'separation' yourself....if I go to an event, it never occurs to me to notice what everyone is drinking; if I'm offered alcohol I just say no thanks, is there water or a soft drink please? Doesn't have to be an issue at all....

You're so certain that the issue is the tee totalness. I honestly don't think it is. That may have caused some isolation at times but generally I can't see how you can blame it for having no friends. I have friends I shop with, go to the gym with, have days out with kids with, play netball with, work with, hang out on coffeeshops with... occasionally I may do something with some friends that includes alcohol but if I was teetotal it would only change about 1 percent of my friendship life. I think you think you've tried all the standard things but you either can't have or you are a really unlikable person (which I'm assuming isn't the case).

Why not start your own 'meet up' for nights out for tee-total people. There probably are others in your situation. Be brave. Be the one to gather them together.

As you say people may be quite difficult when you mention you don't drink alcohol. People may even become aggressive and argumentative. Recall one company lunch and I had a glass of coke that had gone stale, poured in a wine glass. Nearsighted boss from the other side of the room: -Oh, I'm so happy everybody has decided to have a glass of wine!
Sometimes I have a glass of wine and take a sip, but invariably the glass is almost full toward the end of the evening, and again people become slightly aggressive when they notice you haven't drunk your wine. If it's a glass of champagne, and mingling, I sometimes try to get rid of the glass by placing it behind a plant or if outdoors occasionally you can tip the champagne out behind a plant without anybody seeing it. I know that feeling of wanting to jump into a cab at 9 p.m. I've been struggling with this since the age 20 and am over 50 now, so there's little hope of progress.... But now there are more non-alcoholic options like non-alcoholic champagne. For me drinking is not an option, I can't put up with the taste, it's too bitter. In high school biology class our teacher had us lick a piece of PTC-paper, if it tasted bitter we had (or were missing) a certain gene. Everybody but me screamed that the PTC-paper tasted horrendous. I have no particular difficulty eating a slice of raw lemon or a sour grapefruit, however. PTC-tasters supposedly avoid bitter foods. I only just about manage to quietly sip on a Budweiser or Singha Gold, and the rest of the beers are completely out of the question.

I'm teetotal but have never found it hinders me socially, but there again most if my close friends rarely go on nights out! We mostly meet up and go for walks/lunches/coffee, on the rare occasion we do go on a night out it's still never been an issue and anyway, lots of places do "mocktails" now!
Maybe you just need to meet new people, I agree with what PP have said regarding volunteering, joining a group or doing classes, great ways of socialising in a non-bar setting, and as you are all there for a purpose outside of "being colleagues", it's more likely you will have similar interests.

Unless everyone is getting totally shit faced, which I doubt, it does seem that you're quite judgy about others drinking and excluding yourself.

Surely those who have mentioned how they drink apple juice in a wine glass is just reinforcing the need to feel/look the same as the drinkers.

I barely drank throughout university and until I was in my mid twenties and had no problems. I used to drive most of the time too. I had a brilliant time, dancing and chatting and having a laugh with my friends. Never a problem!

Now, I drink too much but have friends who are teetotal or barely drink either because of medical issues, they don't enjoy it or can't or prefer to be able to drive home and be alert the next day . They have a great time, their drinking or not drinking doesn't feature at all, it's up to them, and we have a great time with them (in fact don't think about it except when it's useful for driving us home!!).

Not beneath me at all it'd just be nice if such a thing as non alcoholic bars were a thing

Ok, so you really are judgemental. It's not just you don't drink, you don't want to be in the vicinity of people who drink either or socialise with them . So your attitude is isolating you.

I think you need to understand the loneliness and lack of friends is the natural consequence of this and will continue as long as you maintain this mind set.

I stopped drinking in 2012 when I had to start taking anti psychotic meds - sadly they don't mix with alcohol.
I found it very hard because I loved drinking & most of my friends drink...

It's taken 5 years for people to accept that no, I really can't have just one shot or one glass of wine!

But now they accept I'm teetotal so it's fine. I go out with friends & Colleagues & have a laugh anyway.. so what if they're drinking.
And they appreciate me making the effort to socialise and have fun with them.
Sometimes when they get too drunk I go home a bit early but by then they're so drunk they don't notice!

I'm glad I dont drink now as my younger sister is 38, drinks heavily on nights out & is having health problems as a result- I'm trying to help her cut down.

I have friends with children even though I'm chidfree at present & they like to meet up for coffee / lunch.

I think the issue for OP is to understand WHY her colleagues & acquaintances are not including her. Because if she can get invited out just once & show she is fun to be with despite not drinking then that would be a start.

It's hard to make friends as an adult, my sister did circuit training & paddle boarding & has made good friends through that.
I changed workplaces a year ago & get asked to socialise more.
My mum friends have met other mums through their children's activities.
So it can be done despite being teetotal.