Being teetotal makes me lonely

[ohshiz]

I'm so lonely. I'm 29 with two kids and a fiancé but I long for a friend. I think I'm kind and friendly but I have no girl friends apart from a few mere acquaintances. I don't get invited anywhere but fb shows how all of these meet up regularly. I've tried so many times to organise coffee out or lunch but I've stopped trying now because the rejection is too much. I don't drink and I've found that isolates me even more. It seems no one wants to do lunch or dinner drink free. Whilst of course people are free to have a wine or two of their own accord I find that it instantly leaves me out - people get drunk, I get left out more. I'm not sure if this is the right place but I've been so sad today. I'm getting married in 4 weeks. My bridesmaids are my daughters and I have no friends coming. It's just family and dp's friends. I would love a friend to text, call now and then, go shopping etc. I don't expect to burden anyone, id just like a friend!

The drinking culture in this country is HUGE. Everything is all about alcohol. Nights out are about who got drunk and what silly things they did and how crap they feel the next day.

Maybe among your group of friends, but not among mine. It's not just an age thing either - I have a 21 yr old and an 18 yr old who both manage to go out on a regular basis without getting legless. All sorts of reasons - including things they are doing next morning - driving / playing sport / working the early shift.

Your projection about people being defensive is far from the mark.
This is about who you go out with. I am absolutely sure there are people who go out with the intent of getting drunk, but if that isn't for me, then I choose different friends. That seems to be the advice throughout the thread for the OP.

If I go out for a meal, others drink alcohol, I drink orange/water/elderflower or whatever instead. No problems. If costs need to be split I never say anything about the alcohol, I pay my fair share even though others have been drinking and so the average cost is higher....my choice not to drink, shouldn't be foisted on others.

Sorry, WorldWideWanderer but this is just wrong. How is you not drinking being foisted on others? Why should you subsidise their drinking? How is that paying your 'fair share'?

I'm teetotal and if people are order bottles of wine and liqueurs after coffee, then I do just say I'll pay for my own bit, thanks.

I think some companies have a drinking culture and teetotals do get left out. I do join in everything despite not drinking but I did have a comment from a previous manager that I could leave at 9pm as I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself

At my previous company, not drinking was not that big a deal, and we did things apart from just drinking (bowling, pub quiz, comedy club etc).

Sorry but the social culture is focused on alcohol. Not just pubs and clubs, but restaurants. The night scene is definitely surrounding alcohol: pre drinks, drinks with dinner, on to a bar, on to another with more drink as the night goes on. So as the sole non drinker, seeing your friends get drunker and drunker (and more annoying, more unfunny frankly) then yes without question the non drinker gets more left out. Being designated driver means having to sit back, watch everyone dancing like a tit and wait to take them home. It's really not fun being the only one. If there's a few obviously it's different. You can mock the drunk idiots together.

Then wake up fresh as a daisy whilst they're crying into their alkaseltzer

The more you post, the worse you sound OP. Maybe if you stopped looking down your nose at people you'd have more friends.

Ok.

Yep, agree with through

I am one of the teetotallers on here who posted that they understand your experience. Sometimes
And as it happens I agree that alcohol has a massive place in our entertainment culture.

But your snobby attitude is awful.

I don't drink either but still make the effort to go out where invited.

I think it's more that you haven't the friends to invite you right? I know how you feel. I can also resonate with pp being labelled as "boring" that's what has happened to me with my bunch of friends and they don't really invite me anymore.

What I decided was that I'm my own best friend and if I want to go out and do something then I will, and I'll invite others, if they don't join they that's their choice, I'll still go and do it. Sometimes going cinema and things like that, are more enjoyable on your own anyway. Although I can appreciate it's nice to have adult conversations here and there.

If you lived near me OP I would gladly befriend you and come theatre :)

People on here are telling you that they have close friends who are teetotal. That they socialise with people who don't drink in a variety of different ways. Other people who are teetotal are telling you they have friends. Which does rather suggest that the fact you're teetotal isn't the issue.
My social life does not revolve around alcohol. If you can't find people to be friends with who do things other than drink, then you're looking in the wrong places.
Either that or your 'holier than thou' attitude is putting people off.

Oh and I go to the theatre with my friends. Those who drink and those who don't.

I don't drink either and I think it does impact on friendships. It doesn't bother me too much as I'm a bit of a loner anyway but I've noticed how I get rapidly dropped when people find out I don't drink it's remarkable really.

I think people want a partner in crime even if it's just a few drinks and when you stick to tea or water it kind of kills the buzz. It's just how it is. I think people can also judge you for not drinking, they think you are being prissy or that by not drinking your judging them.

It might also be personality type. I guess I'm not really the sort to just fall in with others. I do my own thing for example in the past at a works outing we go for a meal and everyone else goes for the buffet, I look at the buffet and don't fancy it so order off the menu a particular dish which is priced the same as the buffet. Mine comes and it's a lot nicer than the buffet food (as I knew it would be) and quite a few people get put out by this needling me for being precious by ordering a separate meal. Later some others said they didn't fancy the buffet either but didn't want to rock the boat. It amazes me that this situation ever occurred but honestly people don't like it when you deviate from the herd.

You can mock the drunk idiots together
Then wake up fresh as a daisy whilst they're crying into their alkaseltzer

Yup, it's you. I think we all understand why you don't have friends now op. You sound not just judgemental but a deeply unpleasant person too. You want to mock your friends, then feel superior the next day? Nice people don't want to do that and it's probably why you have no friends.

I feel really sad for you. Your loneliness is crippling, you have no friends at your wedding, and yet you still wish to mock people who drink if they had the audacity to invite you out. 😔

The more you post, the worse you sound OP. Maybe if you stopped looking down your nose at people you'd have more friends.

Quite. I don't drink, although I used to drink really heavily. My nights out are much better now, I have the same friends, I still dance and laugh and joke with the people I am out with... It's your attitude imo which is causing you problems.
That being said, if you find your friends annoying when they're drunk then organise some days out/activities yourself which are less alcohol-centric.

It amazes me that this situation ever occurred but honestly people don't like it when you deviate from the herd

Some people on here know some really odd people! I honestly couldn't care less what other people order at a restaurant. I don't know anyone else who would mock/criticise what someone else ordered either. I'm glad I don't know the same people you do!

It was people from a place I used to work, yes it was very odd indeed but not unique. Luckily I don't know any of them anymore!

You're clearly mixing with the wrong type of people if alcohol is the main drive and non drinkers feel excluded. Lots of people I know happily go to pubs, meals out, dancing and might only have a couple of glasses of wine or nothing at all. It's no big deal. Why not invite people to an exercise class or for a ramble or to watch a film?

So mix with people that don't want to get hammered at meet ups. My friends rarely get drunk. Once a year? The rest of the time we do lots sober or with a single glass of wine

You don't have friends because you're sneery, stuck up and condescending, alcohol doesn't have much to do with it. You seem fixated and almost obsessed with finding alcohol everywhere, you focus on it more than even some alcoholics I know. People have told you how much of a non-issue it is in their lives and even in their young adult children's lives. Please, let the whole topic go, lighten up, find some hobbies or something and you might find people enjoy your company more.

Some teetotallers can handle socialising with drinkers just fine...and some can't. It sounds like you need to find like-minded people to socialise with because you can't get past the fact that other people are drinking when you're not. Nothing wrong with that - I'm not calling you judgy or or anything, but maybe you just have a bit of a mental block about it.

I stumbled across this link this morning and maybe it could help you:

joinclubsoda.co.uk

It's an online group of people who either don't drink or want to cut down but still want a social life.

I've been invited out with colleagues to a birthday karaoke night next week, they will all get trashed while I have to stay sober but I will be singing & dancing happily with the rest of them... not laughing at them but with them.

I do agree there's a drinking culture in this country but if you don't drink you can still have fun & join in with drunk people's fun if you like to but without the hangover.

But then the difference for me is that I'm not teetotal through choice, I would kill for a mojito or a jaegerbomb on a night out to help me relax (I do get nervous) but I'm not allowed to drink & that's life.