Advice on blended family issues

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Hi, hoping someone can give me some advice on what to do i've tried everything to make the relationship with my oh's son work but every week is like groundhog day, his son has a number of issues I believe and he doesn't act like a typical 11 year old more like 7 or 8 I will try and put as much as possible, his mum my partners ex also suffers with mental health issues and dad is a workaholic, he has lived with his mum and nan for over 2.5 yrs. My partnet and I have been together 3 years i was nothing to do with the split they had already split a year when i met him

i met his son after about 3 mths but we were never intimate or anything and i was introduced as dads friend, it was after about 18 mths he told his son i was his new partner, he used to stay with me through the week and at his mums every friday when he had his son and then he would have him every saturday so we were never spending any quality time together

i have two teenage boys who get on well with my partner and they both have gf's and are progressing well with their lives, college work etc...other than being untidy there are no major issues with them

my partners son has social communications issues, he cannot hold a conversation, only ever answers yes , no dont know never says hello, goodbye, or goodnight (when he stays here every week) without being prompted by his dad and if not prompted he will not say a word, he comes over for one night a week and brings games consoles inc `his phone, he has poor eating when i met he only ate dry crackers, crisps and cakes, oh and chocolate, hes overweight, does no activities or isnt part of any groups, has no friends outside of school, so doesn't socialise, old fashioned dress sense which will be his mum/nan although he would wear a bin bag of you told him to, couldnt use a knife and fork, tie his own shoe laces, ride a bike and he never looks like he's a happy child always looks like hes carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders

so fast forward, we moved about a year ago to a bigger house so he could stay with us and have his own room, bought him a whole new wardrobe of nice young boys trendy clothes (which bit by bit have ended up at his mums and never come back despite me asking dad), still doesnt speak to me without being prompted and when he does its in exactly the same tone and the same stance it was the previous week, thats like its been forced then once he's said that unless spoken to he doesn't say another word to me, bought him loads of books on nutrition and exercise, i have taught him to tie his laces as best i can given only see him once a week, i think he may struggle with small motor skills as he struggles with laces, I taught him how to hold a knife and fork, tried changing his food habits by talking to him about the importance of a good diet longer term, got him a bike, a trampoline, a scooter to get his off games consoles and a video made by a child pyscologist which is brilliant at explaining why he has the food problems (as its not a medical issue, he can eat and swallow crackers perfectly well), his mum found this and accused us of brainwashing her son and took it off his ipad, oh and i did for a few months have him after school and a saturday morning whilst dad went to work, i took him out with me, out for breakfast shopping etc.... tried my hardest to do normal stuff i did with my own boys

In addition as mentioned my oh is a workaholic, i also work full time and manage everything house related, and i mean everything, i cook dinner every night, manage all finances and have my own two boys. I book every holiday or weekend away, or social event.

After nearly 9 months of this, I have got quite fed up and have wondered what I am actually getting out of this relationship other than a load of stress lately, this has subsequently culminated in a few arguments recently part of this is over his sons welfare as i believe he should step up to the plate as his dad and take some control of his sons future I believe he needs some support and guidance and he recently didnt get into the high school he wanted (despite non of his parents doing to high school visits/tours), they appealed and still didnt get and now his mum has refused to send him to any school until he gets a place at the one she wants, despite her son saying he would go to the school allocated, and she is going to homeschool him , cant even teach him to eat or tie laces..... its a joke oh and his mum also stopped him coming on holiday with us this year as we were taking him out of school after he had done his sats and my son finished his a levels, this would have been only his 2nd holiday abroad in his life, he had a week in wales and a weekend at legoland up until this, but its now ok for her to keep out of secondary school a major development milestone in his life so its about her i believe not him, the school they want is very sporty and his son is not sporty one bit so may not even be the best school for him.
My other half wants him to start at any school but says what can he do ? im sorry but i would do whatever it took to get my son into school, SS are also involved now as his mum was reported by someone who we dont know who... although i half believe it was her to help the school situation as that all they seem to be doing liasing with the school to get him a place ..

sorry for such a long post and this is only half of it... anyway my oh in one of the recent agruments told me his son doesnt like coming here and is scared of me !! i was fizzing... I said you know what thats fine...he doesnt have to like me, but he should respect me and he doesnt like what i tell him which is honesty and truth and i dont wrap him up in cotton wool, and that if we are being honest his son depresses me, when he walks into the house its like a black cloud of doom walking in and he saps all my happiness and energy and watching my oh with him makes it even worse so i have suggested he goes back to taking him to his mums on a friday and he stays there with him and spend some quality time with him and not just let him sit on the xbox all night .... last night the first friday after the argument his dad his here and his son stayed at his grans !!!!
theres so much more i could add but this is long enough as it is ....

I just feel like giving up on the whole relationship tbh its just to much like hard work, ive brought my two boys up the last 7 years of that on my own working full time so its not like it cant be done ..... any advice, comments good or bad would be much appreciated :-)

You bought him nutrition books and a video from a child psychologist? Is that right!!!!

I cant post as much as I want to as it would take all day.

Your SS seems to have some learning or development needs. You are going to have to find patience - HUGE amounts. Dealing with children with learning needs is totally different to dealing with children who are, and I am going to write it, normal. I suggest that you join some support groups online -perhaps facebook. You will pick up so many tips. You wont be able to implement them all at once, not all will work, DH must be involved too and small baby steps. So eg no 11 year old I know who is younger would read books on nutrition. You obviously meant it kindly but the adults have to deal with SS nutrition. He is only a child. Re the food eating, many children with SEN have sensory issues include food and clothing. You really do need professional help to work out here what is the slightly jumbled upbringing and what is a need that will have to met by other means.

What have his previous school done? I would expect to see his reports littered with similar examples. There should be a plan of action in place. Because eg tying laces - this will be a real problem in secondary school for eg PE.

Regarding your language about SS mother. You are very critical in your tone. Yes she may not be coping - you have not had a child with SEN - Do not be that judgy outsider. Regarding education - you do know that you are allowed to home educate in this country?

Regarding SS - again after you have spent a lot of time on SEN boards you will understand that when a parent asks for a help with a child with SEN, instead of that help being given, often the first thing the LA do is get SS involved. It is called parent blaming. It is very threatening and is a way to deflect from help being provided. This behaviour from LAs is disgusting because it masks the help that should genuinely be given by SS to struggling families.

Hi yes I did ? It wasn't like I didn't talk through why I got them and with his dad ? And the video is aimed at children age between 9-13 with eating disorders (Arfid) restrictive eating disorder and is very good at explaining in children's language about different paths that can be made with simple changes a lot of what he he been taught in school I am assuming !!

This is a child with issues. I'm sure your actions are well meant but try seeing it from his point of view. What you have done I don't feel is supportive, it's drawing attention to it over and over again. I'm not surprised he's withdrawing from you. You are not his parent. It's not your place to do this. Your place is to support his dad. Sorry if this sounds harsh. It isn't meant to be but I don't think your methods are very child focussed

Hi and thanks for your response and it's not that I am being critical of the SS mother well actually I guess i am and not just of her of her mum and SS as how can it be justified in the best interest of the child to be homeschooled by a mother who was only two weeks previously at threat of being sectioned ? And it's not the child needs here it's the mothers !! I just can't get my head around it I'm sorry if that doesn't sit well with you

The SS is very academic and other than being very introvert at school he is very intelligent and isn't actually classed as a SEN child believe it or not !

And I am sorry but I genuinely do not believe any of his is related to her son or his wishes and needs, e.g. The holiday he was texting his dad saying he really wants to come the school were aware of it and had no major problem as it was wind down after sats ? She used the excuse he couldn't go as it was term time ! She kept him off school the day we went to avoid dad being able to pick him up from school ? So not that important when it suits her to keep him off school !!!

And right now when he needs a confidence booster going to high school and forming new friendship groups a key time in his life she keeps him back from starting secondary school because again she isn't getting her way ? She hasn't even visited the school herself neither has dad they know nothing of school curriculum ethos etc ..... it's a very high achieving sporty school and may not be tr best school for him anyway !!!

So I'm sorry yes I am being rather critical as I don't believe it's with her some a best interest more her and the holiday was just to get back at the dad no other reason why would a mother not want her son to experience other countries and cultures if she cannot provide it for him ?!?

And I am a member of many groups where I see parents all the time trying whatever they can to help improve the quality of their children's lives ?!?

I don't see that with SS parents

Dad picked him up last night ? Took him to stay at his grans ? So saw him for an hour and he's working again today

Sorry OP but you post has made me feel very sad. The child you describe sounds very similar to my dd's, they both have high functioning autism/Aspergers, I would hate to think of my ex's new partner thinking these things about my children. My children can come across as lazy, sometimes they look scruffy and they wear different clothes than some kids their age (their choice), my youngest rarely talks and can't hold a conversation, neither of them can ride a bike or tie shoe laces (they find these things hard). My youngest daughter doesn't have friends, my youngest has a few friends at school but chooses not to take part in anything out of school (I do try and encourage her and she has tried a few clubs).

There is a strong link between mental health issues and ASD. Is his dad doing anything to help him? Has he been referred to anyone?

I would be upset if I thought people assumed I didn't try things to get my daughters to socialise more, they don't want too and I can't force them to be like everyone else, it doesn't make me a shit parent.

I agree it's his parents role hence why I have pulled away its very difficult watching a child that needs lots of support in many different ways from his parents already he is back to eating dry crackers surely if there was help available it would be in his best interest to seek what can and can't be helped

Maybe I am different then, there was an indication early on when we thought my son may have had ADHD I pushed and pushed to help my son he wasn't diagnosed so we put things in place to help him use up extra energy reduce his sugar intake etc...

I find it very difficult to understand who wouldn't want to help their own child better themselves and prepare them for society when they grow up

He has been under child development since he was 4 for his eating and mobility nothing around his eating has changed in 8 years !!

I have seen people take their children to various places to try and get help as most of the children want to change as they feel excluded from various social events due to eating disorders ? Why would you want your child to feel excluded if you can help them ??

His is not registered in any way as a child with SEN

Lovemusic33
He doesn't have Autism or aspergers he's been under child development since he was about 4 for eating and mobility

I have suggested many many options for dad to explore, drama as he's good at being someone else if that makes sense and likes drama, scouts as a friend of mine said it really helped her son who has dyspraxia, speech therapy I met a girl recently with high functioning autism whilst doing interview skills at a school and he communication skills were brilliant I told her she should be very very proud of her achievements and her career ambitions she said she had her parents to thank for helping her a much as she they could

Dad went back to GP on January and was referred to alder hey to date nothing further had happened and no one has chased it up

And I am not dissing parents of children with difficulties I feel it came across that way then I apologise as I know lots of people who have children with various difficulties and I am member of groups on FB and see parents doing all sorts to help their children

i genuinely feel sorry for SS in my opinion I genuinely don't believe he is equipped with the right toolkit for teenage years and I am sorry that comes back to his parents it's our job to enable them to thrive in society

I have two boys it's not like I have don't have children or experience and as mentioned my youngest has always been moody and hyper and my eldest a picky eater we all have issues we have to deal with some just more severe than others

But when I am doing all the things for him that his parents should be then there's something. Wrong ?

How can you not teach your child to tie laces and eat with a knife and fork, because no one bothered to teach him as he can tie laces now in a way I taught my son which was the easy way as he couldn't grasp the standard way which will be his fine motor skills but I bought him a special shoe to learn on and then sat with him every Friday to practice ?? Surely this should be he parents job his dad just let me do it same with knife and fork !!!

JK1773
I know he has issues I wish I could get his dad to understand the same !

His dad thinks it's ok that he doesn't speak to me as he does it to him sometimes ? I replied he's your son who you haven't seen in a week and he greets you with a blank !! I would find that a concern in itself

My ways obviously worked well enough with my own children and as mentioned both had issues growing up my eldest being ginger and taking no end of stick for it at primary we talked most nights about ways to deal with it both boys have grown into lovely young men and everyone who meets them says the same so I have to disagree with you and he is 11 he's not a baby he's just treated like one !

The SS has been sharing a double bed with the mum for 2.5 years despite being a spare room that no one could be. There's decorating in 2.5 yrs and despite SS asking repeatedly when will his room be ready ?!?! I'm sorry but morally that doesn't sit right with me and again this can cause further separation and anxiety issues for him

Jk1773

If attention isn't drawn to the issues how can you expect to deal with them and help him ?

He has withdrawn because he doesn't like being told he can't sit on the Xbox all night and day and I don't believe there's anyone wrong with that it's not healthy

He comes to visit his dad and brings 4 games consoles for 1 night it's ridiculous and his dad should say so not me infact his dad should be controlling his game time but just leaves him to do whatever he wants to do that's not parenting for me the child he no boundaries

I think you just need to step back and let his parents decide what's best for him. It sounds like the main problem is your DP not your SS, you don't like the way he parents (or the lack of parenting). I was a step parent too 3 children who are now adults, it wasn't easy and I didn't agree on how they were parented (fed junk food, allowed to stay up late, never said please or thank you) but I just had to grit my teach and survive the weekends, I got along ok with them, one had ADHD and now has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, he would often blank me and spend the day glued to a console. At the end of the day there wasn't much I could do as I was not their parent so I just let dh and his ex get on with it. I am now bringing his other 2 children up alone and he has little imput. There were times I just wanted to leave as it was just hard work, I wouldn't want to step parent again as it is stressful.

If you can't put up with it then leave, it won't make you a bad person. If you do stay please don't take it out on the boy, yes it may seem rude that he doesn't speak but he's a child, your an adult, just rise above it, speak to him nicely and try and get along. It's your dp that needs to sort things out.

I struggle so much to get dd1 to do anything, she would happily sit in her room all day glued to her laptop. Maybe you could plan things to do before he comes and then tell him 'today we are doing xxxxxx', this is what I do with dd1, I'm just about to break the news to her that I am taking her swimming once a week, she will moan but she needs to do something other than sitting in her room.

The problem is that your DP is probably worried to put his foot down in case his ds decides he doesn't want to come over any more. I think this is the fear of most dads, they end up just letting the child do what they like, they want them to be happy so they will want to come again. It's also very hard to change rules that the boy has followed for so long, he's been allowed on the Xbox for so long so taking it away will not go down well.

There is so much in your posts but what I cannot understand is how you can still have feelings for your DH, seeing what a crap parent he is.

The boy's mother sounds dreadful but she's not your partner. Does the man do anything at all for his child?

I feel so sorrry for this young boy with two such shit parents. He obviously needs extra support. I get that you are trying to do that but it is likely to fail just because you are the step parent.

How can your dh possibly defend himself?

I'm no expert....,but I'm thinking yr young man could have autism

I've 2 with autism,so I don't say that lightly x

I can see you are trying your best op.💐In what is a difficult situation x

I say this as a step parent of 10 years that's fought very hard with different age groups to build and maintain relationships...

But it sounds like your spending your life trying to change him, rather than adapting yourself to his circumstances. It also sounds as though he has autistic traits, similar to my SDS. Maybe look into autism and if any of it seems likely then adapt the way you approach him.

Re respect - you aren't showing him any respect by trying to change his life, so why would you expect him to respect you in return? It isn't automatic - it's earned. And it can be a fucking long slog with step parenting. And honestly, I don't think you're cut out for it - not unless you're prepared to change your behaviour towards him first and foremost and maybe try and work on a more positive relationship by doing things with him that he enjoys.

FWIW - when you buy clothes, they inevitably end up at the other parents house, same as you'll end up with theirs. Again, it's part of split parenting. If it gets worn, I don't understand why it matters whos house it's worn at! Let the small stuff go.

Do you love him (your SDS)? If not, walk away. You sound very resentful and that'll only get worse.

eezergoode
I think I would be leaning towards agreeing and which is why Ive been pushing dad to take him back to his GP, which he did do in January but they still haven't yet seen any specialist and that was 6/7 months ago, for his age he should be equipped with better communication skills than he currently has, I've met shy people and they are shy because they don't really know you but the more you see them the more the shyness subsides, with SS it's like we've met for the first time every time he comes round

It's more around the anxiety he's a very anxious child and worries about everything all the time, panics over what most children wouldn't even think about

His brother ( from another father) who is now 23 and suffered with ADHD mentioned something at Xmas about him being on the austistic scale but my partner quashed the idea and said it was never confirmed

So, for me I genuinely believe he does have more underlying issues probably not helped by his environment and his mum suffering with mental health issues but the school
And SS obviously don't think it's an issue, the main concerns fromschool are his mobility and his speed of work and his timidness in class but that's all they have said they are concerned about according to my partner, maybe he's in denial and doesn't want to push it I've no idea what to think anymore

What I do know is I signed up for a relationship with a guy that I knew had a child but if I'd realised the extent of his problems I don't think I would have suggested moving us all in together, would ha e kept the two separate which they were before and our relationship was very different

Yetanother

I might sounds like a selfish cow and you have your opinion but please give me some credit ?

I am not trying to change his life I am trying to improve his life for the better, why on earth would I want sit around watching a young boy eat shit food all his life, getting fatter and fatter and unhealthier and bullied even more, secluded, withdrawn end up possible with depression himself sat on a bedroom gaming all his life !!!

Unfortunately, this is not the parenting style I follow and as explained I've done a good enough job with my own boys, as a single parent for the last 7 years

I give respect to people who respect me ? As you said respect is earned if he can't say hello and goodnight after living in what is actually my home then I don't see why I should change that is basic respect and he is 11 going on 12 after Xmas, my children would never have behaved that way and I'm not mega strict just believe in basic manners and a basic level of respect for others feelings which my SS has no idea how his behaviour affects people whereas if he been taught to to these things naturally from a young age then he would know

In two years he'll be a teenager he isn't a baby and shouldn't be treated as such

Oh and the clothes although trivial don't end up at out house as they get returned every visit, as we have asked 100 times not to send as he has everything he needs here, although as you say it's small stuff

And I don't love him no.... and who said we have to love our STep children ? We can care and do all the things to help but no one said we had to love them

Seacabbage
Thanks for response

I have questioned the relationship with his dad too and your absolutely right he needs to step up to the plate and I've said as much

He does the usual pick him up every week and then they don't really spend much quality time he just usually end some up in his room on his Xbox waits to be shouted for his plate of crackers and then goes straight back upstairs again unless I suggest going out somewhere

It's all become such a mess as 12 months ago his dad and I had a great relationship and he's genuinely the first guy after two very long term relationships I've ever trusted

And believe me my best mate who is a guy has two daughters I used to take them out with me into town and the park and stuff And have fun I am a fun person and live to laugh and I find SS is like a big black cloud he doesn't have fun it's like he tolerates doing stuff and then sulks when he's had enough or doesnt get his own way even when you try to reason with him he just eventually spoil the day, he rarely laughs or even smiles and I am sorry but I find him extremely draining, if he was my biological child then things would be different I would have naturally adapted to our new lifestyle as they are my flesh and blood

This is very different so it's hard enough having stepchildren in the mix let alone a stepchild with so many issues

I have tried all sorts bought him a trampoline said he wanted one for his birthday 6 mths ago he's been on it twice for a total of 30 so I now have a 12ft trampoline in my garden gathering dust !!!

Seacabbage

The mum suffers with mental health so guessing she has good and bad days

SS has told me in the past most morning she is still in bed and his Nan gets him ready for school and takes him in the car

I am not 100 % sure what type of issues mum has but it's not bipolar it's something I wasn't generally familiar with I know she constantly feels sorry for herself, so maybe something to with this, her hair, her skin, her nails there's always something wrong from what I understand

Wow. That's a lot to take in. Quite simply though, you have a dp issue, not a step son issue. He isn't interested in parenting his son, and I can see that's frustrating. At the end of the day it's not your problem. And you need to stop pushing!
I get that as a single parent you can be quite fierce about getting the best outcomes for your kids (I am too) but any struggle on behalf of this boy needs to be from your partner.
I feel sorry for the kid. He probably feels very judged for, well, everything he is , by you, every day. Let him be who he is, show affection and support, but that's all you can do. And fwiw my son is the same age and has NEVER been abroad. He has managed to survive this!
Back the hell off. And consider whether this is a relationship you really want to be in.

Lovemusic33
I get what you are saying but what is this teaching him to grow up into ?

Too many youngsters already with bad attitudes 😉
I am a great believer in talking to children and being honest and explaining the reasons why things happen and longer term what it means doesn't always work but always done it with my kids

Always had 30 mins every night to talk through the day and anything they had on their mind

Communication skills are vital growing up and longer term and this starts at childhood and helping our children develop them skills

Your right I think about other half being scared and therefore just let's him do whatever but he does this too every night at his mums house, so he's not having any real boundaries set or learning lessons like today we are doing this because x reason maybe he doesn't want to do it ? But he needs to understand he can't have his own way all the time and he needs to develop the skills to adapt his feelings towards things not going his way that my parenting way anyhow apprecute we are all very different