Advice on blended family issues

[SMB21]

Hi, hoping someone can give me some advice on what to do i've tried everything to make the relationship with my oh's son work but every week is like groundhog day, his son has a number of issues I believe and he doesn't act like a typical 11 year old more like 7 or 8 I will try and put as much as possible, his mum my partners ex also suffers with mental health issues and dad is a workaholic, he has lived with his mum and nan for over 2.5 yrs. My partnet and I have been together 3 years i was nothing to do with the split they had already split a year when i met him

i met his son after about 3 mths but we were never intimate or anything and i was introduced as dads friend, it was after about 18 mths he told his son i was his new partner, he used to stay with me through the week and at his mums every friday when he had his son and then he would have him every saturday so we were never spending any quality time together

i have two teenage boys who get on well with my partner and they both have gf's and are progressing well with their lives, college work etc...other than being untidy there are no major issues with them

my partners son has social communications issues, he cannot hold a conversation, only ever answers yes , no dont know never says hello, goodbye, or goodnight (when he stays here every week) without being prompted by his dad and if not prompted he will not say a word, he comes over for one night a week and brings games consoles inc `his phone, he has poor eating when i met he only ate dry crackers, crisps and cakes, oh and chocolate, hes overweight, does no activities or isnt part of any groups, has no friends outside of school, so doesn't socialise, old fashioned dress sense which will be his mum/nan although he would wear a bin bag of you told him to, couldnt use a knife and fork, tie his own shoe laces, ride a bike and he never looks like he's a happy child always looks like hes carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders

so fast forward, we moved about a year ago to a bigger house so he could stay with us and have his own room, bought him a whole new wardrobe of nice young boys trendy clothes (which bit by bit have ended up at his mums and never come back despite me asking dad), still doesnt speak to me without being prompted and when he does its in exactly the same tone and the same stance it was the previous week, thats like its been forced then once he's said that unless spoken to he doesn't say another word to me, bought him loads of books on nutrition and exercise, i have taught him to tie his laces as best i can given only see him once a week, i think he may struggle with small motor skills as he struggles with laces, I taught him how to hold a knife and fork, tried changing his food habits by talking to him about the importance of a good diet longer term, got him a bike, a trampoline, a scooter to get his off games consoles and a video made by a child pyscologist which is brilliant at explaining why he has the food problems (as its not a medical issue, he can eat and swallow crackers perfectly well), his mum found this and accused us of brainwashing her son and took it off his ipad, oh and i did for a few months have him after school and a saturday morning whilst dad went to work, i took him out with me, out for breakfast shopping etc.... tried my hardest to do normal stuff i did with my own boys

In addition as mentioned my oh is a workaholic, i also work full time and manage everything house related, and i mean everything, i cook dinner every night, manage all finances and have my own two boys. I book every holiday or weekend away, or social event.

After nearly 9 months of this, I have got quite fed up and have wondered what I am actually getting out of this relationship other than a load of stress lately, this has subsequently culminated in a few arguments recently part of this is over his sons welfare as i believe he should step up to the plate as his dad and take some control of his sons future I believe he needs some support and guidance and he recently didnt get into the high school he wanted (despite non of his parents doing to high school visits/tours), they appealed and still didnt get and now his mum has refused to send him to any school until he gets a place at the one she wants, despite her son saying he would go to the school allocated, and she is going to homeschool him , cant even teach him to eat or tie laces..... its a joke oh and his mum also stopped him coming on holiday with us this year as we were taking him out of school after he had done his sats and my son finished his a levels, this would have been only his 2nd holiday abroad in his life, he had a week in wales and a weekend at legoland up until this, but its now ok for her to keep out of secondary school a major development milestone in his life so its about her i believe not him, the school they want is very sporty and his son is not sporty one bit so may not even be the best school for him.
My other half wants him to start at any school but says what can he do ? im sorry but i would do whatever it took to get my son into school, SS are also involved now as his mum was reported by someone who we dont know who... although i half believe it was her to help the school situation as that all they seem to be doing liasing with the school to get him a place ..

sorry for such a long post and this is only half of it... anyway my oh in one of the recent agruments told me his son doesnt like coming here and is scared of me !! i was fizzing... I said you know what thats fine...he doesnt have to like me, but he should respect me and he doesnt like what i tell him which is honesty and truth and i dont wrap him up in cotton wool, and that if we are being honest his son depresses me, when he walks into the house its like a black cloud of doom walking in and he saps all my happiness and energy and watching my oh with him makes it even worse so i have suggested he goes back to taking him to his mums on a friday and he stays there with him and spend some quality time with him and not just let him sit on the xbox all night .... last night the first friday after the argument his dad his here and his son stayed at his grans !!!!
theres so much more i could add but this is long enough as it is ....

I just feel like giving up on the whole relationship tbh its just to much like hard work, ive brought my two boys up the last 7 years of that on my own working full time so its not like it cant be done ..... any advice, comments good or bad would be much appreciated :-)

Ifnot

Have have done all of what you are saying and I think there are people here who get where I am coming from and some who think he should be left as is

I am always more than civil and friendly to him I've tried allsorts, walking, trampolining, play area, museum, Pokémon hunting, zoo, crazy golf, laser quest, bowling, the beach, the fair the list is endless

We can have the best day ever and he will come home get his stuff and walk out the door without even a goodbye !!!

Like I said in another response adult or not we all deserve some level or respect and that isn't a lot to ask someone to do

If we had visitors when my boys were young they were taught to say goodnight to everyone and if family always a kiss and hug

My boys kiss me every single time they leave the house and always have done and they always welcome my long term friends and any family with a hug and kiss or handshake for the guys that's good manners

Ifnot
The holiday thing I meant was more to do with being unlikely his mum was going to take him away and we are fortunate enough to be able to go abroad so why would you deprive your child the chance ? It was purely to get back at her ex as the school excuse wasn't even a valid reason as his schooling is being impacted far more now by her demanding a particular school than that would have !!

And I am questioning my relationship based on dad not being the person I thought he was he's more co corned about work than his son for me

I've not read through all of the posts on here but I have read most of them from the start.

I think you're getting a lot of flack from this thread. You're trying incredibly hard. It's not easy being a step mother let alone when you're trying to deal with the issues you've raised.

You may not be going about things completely in the right way but you're making an enormous effort and you're other half, step son and his mother should feel lucky to have you around.

It's easy for other people to say you shouldn't have bought him nutrition books/ should be more considerate but the main thing is- you're there for him and showing a he'll of a lot of love. It's easy for others to give advice because they're not involved in the situation.

I don't have a lot if advice other than to maybe take a step back to reflect on how much you've done/what else you could do/what others should be doing (maybe those others should be doing half of the things that you have...) and to think of yourself as well.

Your SS is screaming ASD to me too. Anxiety, food issues, poor motor schools, rigid behaviours, mono tone voice, communication difficulties, odd clothing preferences, so much. I don't say this lightly, but I have 2 ASD dcs and they sound so similar to your SS. The thing is parenting ASD dcs is very different to parenting dcs without it, the usual rules don't apply, consequences don't work etc.

I think you are trying to help. Have you investigated an animal that your DM may form a bond with, dog, cat, horse riding. I would do some research first. You may need to think about the fact that SS may not change his behaviour even as an adult. Secondly, you don't have to stay in this relationship

Don't give up on him. I think it sounds like you are the best thing in his life.
I think you could go a bit more gently though- be more accepting of who he is and his differences. His life might be easier if he could go the things you mention, but they may just be beyond him at the moment.
However, he is his father's responsibility and he needs to be much more active in his interactions.

I agree with cleo he ticks most of the boxes for ASD and I am surprised that he doesn't have a diagnosis. He's very similar to my dd1 and if he is on the spectrum there's not much you can do other than try and encourage him to do things, I have to push my dd quite hard to get her to leave the house or to take part in anything, she's now almost 13 and I was worried sick about her starting high school but she has made friends, some that are also like her (on the spectrum or slightly socially awkward).

Mammy
Thank you and all I haven't just shoved these things at him by the way, I've introduced them gently and I haven't rammed them down his throat I bought a few books and left them in his room and just said when you get some time or feel you may be interested then have a read, same with the video for eating which by the way is brilliantly done and loads of people have bought the video to help their kids it was 4 months before he suggested trying it so don't think I'm forcing these things on him

Everyone's comments have been great to read everyone is entitled to their opinion and expected some flack from some people but like I said previously my moral compass won't allow me to sit back and watch someone potentially getting fatter and socially excluding themselves and being unhealthy the NHS is stretched far enough without obesity being an additional problem, I am all for technology I work in IT but there's a time and a place for it and it's not an aid for kids because can't be bothered you brought them into this world and have an obligation to bring them up in the best way we can

What is also interesting is many of you believe he has traits of autism which I have thought from for a while now, but no one else medically seems to think so and he isn't a SEN child ? So very confusing for me to understand if it is around his upbringing I am not dissing his parents but can't be easy for a child who is always passed to his Nan when his mum has a bad day and dad was always at work 6/7 days a week 12 hours a day and has outside of school been virtually housebound majority of the time how is he expected to develop

You are also right I don't have to stay in this relationship and it's highly unlikely I will be at Xmas if not before, im 52 and have given the best part of my life to bringing up my own boys and running a home, they are growing up well and now I have time to enjoy my life not feel stressed out in a situation that I cannot do anything about other than end it

Thank you everyone for your comments so far 😊

Lovemusic33
I agree and I thought starting high would be great for him, new relationships, give him more confidence doing things by himself

But already that is threatened by his mum digging her heels in a refusing to send him to school full stop until he can get in the school of her choice !!

So now not only will friendships have formed without him having a chance he will come into the school after everyone else and find it harder already being socially awkward to join groups that have been made plus everyone will be comfortable with transition from primary to high and he will be quite out of sorts finding his way around a big school, something extra to worry about for him

He had a place at a school which at least would have been a start even though that wouldn't have been ideal as swapping schools is tough and personally I don't think she is considering what he wants and he hasn't even been asked what he actually wants to do

there is too much to go through in all your posts, but my over riding feeling is this is a shy, introverted child, who you are trying to remould and remodel into your idea of what he should be like, and that must be horrible for him,

Unapaloma

Thank you and your right and as I said I haven't forced anything on him other than things like playing on his xbox all the time and especially at the top of his voice at 7 am on my day off I asked him politely not to go on as it was too early, the next week I left a note and same happened so I took his controller out of the room after 4 weeks of waking me up at 7 which is exactly what I would have done with my own children, I was much tougher on my own children

I've introduced them gently

"gently" is a word I've come to feel very wary about on MN, especially when a poster is describing their own actions.

T0day

His Nan had a dog, we have a cat as I don't like dogs , he does love animals, his nans dog died and he was still upset 3 mths after still crying and they haven't got another one

He actually has different personality with animals than humans if that makes sense 😳

Copper beech

I know shy and introverted people I work with them day in and day out, my nephew is very introvert

I am not remoulding him or trying I am trying to help him with obvious communication issues not recognising social cues and irony and sarcasm is not about being shy it's part of our make up and how we converse !!

Secondly he is about 3 stone overweight and he's 11 and he does no physical activities, his diet is appalling nothing healthy in sight so forgive me for trying to improve his health and well being, that's not remoulding him it's making him aware of his future health, please tell me who wants an obese unhealthy child !!!! Who will most likely become an obese unhealthy recluse adult !!!

And for those who think I am the wicked witch of the western me assure you I am fairly wordly wise and fairly astute woman in her 50,s

I've worked with 1000's of people in my career from all over the world and I work with the NSPCC, i have been very lucky in my life so far to experience so may good things

We only get one shot at life so why not make sure everyone gets the best out of what life has to offer us and to do that we need to push the boundaries a little bit to reap the rewards or we can choose to plod along in life I know given the choice where i want to be and where I would like my children to be I give them the tools and they make their own choices

Smb21,

I think you are trying and being helpful however it's at a high cost to you so you will have to evaluate if it's worth it.

You don't seem happy as the situation drains you and because you care you feel compelled to help.You are in danger of burning out and feeling resentful.

I feel the situation is too much to deal with especially for an empathic person as you are absorbing all the issues and trying to make it better.However as you are not the parent all you put in could be undone by either parent.

I would suggest you stand back and see if the whole relationship makes you happy.Your step son is part of this as he and his dad are a package.You may love your partner but it might be at too high a cost for you.

There is strength and widsom in walking away from a relationship because it drains you.

I just wonder what your needs are and who supports you?

I am trying to help him with obvious communication issues you call it "trying to help" but in your posts it comes across as very intrusive and interfering, and in his shoes I would just dread spending time with you. Sorry, but that is how I see it.

I've had two step mothers, the first was like you, we all hated it.

Hermonie
Thank you for your reply I am a fixer by nature and a problem solver it's also what I do for a living and have done the last 30 years and I'm very analytical both in my job and personal life, I am not afraid to admit I have sought counselling myself in the past for overanalysing things

I am about to start on a CBT and then NLP course, I am quite curious about what it's all about and the techniques you can use to rewire your brain

I am extremely Independant as I said good job lots of good friends and an active social life, when I met my oh he complimented my life but lately that's not the case and because of the nature of person I am I find it hard stepping away and seeing nothing being done to help SS and that alone stresses me out ..... it's like being caught up in a vicious circle but one thing that I agree with everyone is

I can't change anything especially being a step parent it would be tough even if we are all on the same page, which this far from that

I genuinely feel sorry for the lad and my frustrations are being taken out on him and his dad unfortunately I've never met mum

i genuinely feel sorry for SS
And there in these few words go why he is scared of you. Children like your SS, behind their seeming immature ways, are often extremely perceptive. You can bet that your SS knows exactly why you are doing all you are doing, because you feel sorry for him and sensing this is how you feel, and worse, the reason why you are doing all those things are probably making him feel a zillion time worse.

I do think you mean well, in a teacher/psychologist way. The problem is that you are approaching the issue as you would have done with your children, ie. a child with a seemingly normal up-bringing.

The reality is that this child is being raised by a mother with mental health issues, a father who is very busy and taking actions as duties rather than genuinely wanting his son to be happier, and then you come in, try to 'cure' him. Add to this some clear intelligence and this boy is probably retreating into himself because he is scared of how anything he says will be used. Probably being ignored by his mum, as a problem by his father and an experiment by you. He is quiet not because he wants to be but because what he is getting back hurts him more than makes him feel good.

I think you really need to take a step back. Totally agree with you about school and his dad should definitely act as a parent and do something about it, overworked or not. As for you, just try to see the good thing about this boy rather than focusing on all the things that make him 'wrong'. You say he is very clever, do you ever let him show you and his dad that he is and praise him and make him feel good about it? Start focusing on these elements and he will become much more receptive on the others and wanting to do something about them.

Copperbeech33

If I am such and pushy and interfering person why does no one else have a problem ?

I have had one serious argument with a friend in all my life, I've had my close friends since school virtually and never had a cross word

My sons 2 gf's for example love being round my house come out shopping with me sit and chat over coffee help me cook dinner

All my friends children and I get on like a house on fire

I jump though hoops to make sure my boys have had the best life possible and their needs are always met before my own infact that goes for most of friends I am always here for them and they know that

So I don't think I am anything like your ex stepmothers you don't know me !!

Actually I cant bear to read your posts any more. You arent listening to anything that anyone writes. You just argue in great long paragraphs, basically about how right your approach is. But you sound so ignorant about children with needs and how the system is failing them.

Swing/Copper have just summarised it perfectly.

Leave this child alone. You are starting to harm him. He is NOT your child; he is not like your "perfect" children.

You do have a big partner problem and sadly so does his son.

You're doing too much here. Your stepsons problem is that he has a useless father who would rather go to work than actively parent his child. It's quite possible your stepson is on the

Swingofthings
Thanks for your response

I agree with majority of what you have said ? He has always been this way it was 4/5 months in of him living here before I even suggested some of the changes and that was only after seeing the severity of the situation prior to this I had no idea of what he did on a daily basis dad never said anything and son didn't stay here

Also, I would like to point out I've also tried to do all sorts of other things, had movie nights (even watching same movie week after week), cinema, get him playing games with all of us incl my boys, sat and helped him with his homework and tried to teach him problem solving skills with maths, which I am not the best at, ive sat trawling through YouTube videos ( one of his fave things), played his faves top trump games over and over,

I think you all think I'm some kind of scary monster !!! I am not I am very caring and considerate person and if I didn't care I wouldn't be bothered about trying to help him

My friends daughter is overweight she is now 13 and up until now she's never complained she's now having a nightmare with her daughter who's blaming mum for being overweight I've talked to her daughter at mums request and we have put an action plan in place and she comes walking 3 times a week with her mum and I !!!

If people have no medical reasons why things can't be changed like SS eating medically he has no problem chewing or swallowing as he eats it's physcolgical which therefore can be helped if you want to be helped and can be bothered putting effort in no pain no gain as they say it's about how much you want something to change

(Pressed too soon)

It's entirely probable your DSS is on the spectrum. Quite frankly, your DH has let him down dreadfully by hiding at work.

He should be pushing for interventions and support.

He should have already been working hard with his son developing his fine motor skills. That's he's not done this is a huge red flag.

It is also completely irrelevant how your patented your 2 children. This child, regardless of diagnosis, is vulnerable and needs parenting very differently than neurotypical children or ones who experienced significant trauma.

If your DH was a proper parent, he'd have been involved years ago with school and child services to learn how to support his son and find the correct support services. You can blame the child's mother as much as you want, but his father has been equally irresponsible.

Childmaintenance

FYI I have read and agreed with a lot of comments posted

I have LEFT SS alone for the last 6/8 weeks you are all right he isn't my problem !!

I will worry about my own "perfect children" ha ha nobody is perfect even i know that 😊