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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on blended family issues

100 replies

SMB21 · 09/09/2017 11:17

Hi, hoping someone can give me some advice on what to do i've tried everything to make the relationship with my oh's son work but every week is like groundhog day, his son has a number of issues I believe and he doesn't act like a typical 11 year old more like 7 or 8 I will try and put as much as possible, his mum my partners ex also suffers with mental health issues and dad is a workaholic, he has lived with his mum and nan for over 2.5 yrs. My partnet and I have been together 3 years i was nothing to do with the split they had already split a year when i met him

i met his son after about 3 mths but we were never intimate or anything and i was introduced as dads friend, it was after about 18 mths he told his son i was his new partner, he used to stay with me through the week and at his mums every friday when he had his son and then he would have him every saturday so we were never spending any quality time together

i have two teenage boys who get on well with my partner and they both have gf's and are progressing well with their lives, college work etc...other than being untidy there are no major issues with them

my partners son has social communications issues, he cannot hold a conversation, only ever answers yes , no dont know never says hello, goodbye, or goodnight (when he stays here every week) without being prompted by his dad and if not prompted he will not say a word, he comes over for one night a week and brings games consoles inc `his phone, he has poor eating when i met he only ate dry crackers, crisps and cakes, oh and chocolate, hes overweight, does no activities or isnt part of any groups, has no friends outside of school, so doesn't socialise, old fashioned dress sense which will be his mum/nan although he would wear a bin bag of you told him to, couldnt use a knife and fork, tie his own shoe laces, ride a bike and he never looks like he's a happy child always looks like hes carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders

so fast forward, we moved about a year ago to a bigger house so he could stay with us and have his own room, bought him a whole new wardrobe of nice young boys trendy clothes (which bit by bit have ended up at his mums and never come back despite me asking dad), still doesnt speak to me without being prompted and when he does its in exactly the same tone and the same stance it was the previous week, thats like its been forced then once he's said that unless spoken to he doesn't say another word to me, bought him loads of books on nutrition and exercise, i have taught him to tie his laces as best i can given only see him once a week, i think he may struggle with small motor skills as he struggles with laces, I taught him how to hold a knife and fork, tried changing his food habits by talking to him about the importance of a good diet longer term, got him a bike, a trampoline, a scooter to get his off games consoles and a video made by a child pyscologist which is brilliant at explaining why he has the food problems (as its not a medical issue, he can eat and swallow crackers perfectly well), his mum found this and accused us of brainwashing her son and took it off his ipad, oh and i did for a few months have him after school and a saturday morning whilst dad went to work, i took him out with me, out for breakfast shopping etc.... tried my hardest to do normal stuff i did with my own boys

In addition as mentioned my oh is a workaholic, i also work full time and manage everything house related, and i mean everything, i cook dinner every night, manage all finances and have my own two boys. I book every holiday or weekend away, or social event.

After nearly 9 months of this, I have got quite fed up and have wondered what I am actually getting out of this relationship other than a load of stress lately, this has subsequently culminated in a few arguments recently part of this is over his sons welfare as i believe he should step up to the plate as his dad and take some control of his sons future I believe he needs some support and guidance and he recently didnt get into the high school he wanted (despite non of his parents doing to high school visits/tours), they appealed and still didnt get and now his mum has refused to send him to any school until he gets a place at the one she wants, despite her son saying he would go to the school allocated, and she is going to homeschool him , cant even teach him to eat or tie laces..... its a joke oh and his mum also stopped him coming on holiday with us this year as we were taking him out of school after he had done his sats and my son finished his a levels, this would have been only his 2nd holiday abroad in his life, he had a week in wales and a weekend at legoland up until this, but its now ok for her to keep out of secondary school a major development milestone in his life so its about her i believe not him, the school they want is very sporty and his son is not sporty one bit so may not even be the best school for him.
My other half wants him to start at any school but says what can he do ? im sorry but i would do whatever it took to get my son into school, SS are also involved now as his mum was reported by someone who we dont know who... although i half believe it was her to help the school situation as that all they seem to be doing liasing with the school to get him a place ..

sorry for such a long post and this is only half of it... anyway my oh in one of the recent agruments told me his son doesnt like coming here and is scared of me !! i was fizzing... I said you know what thats fine...he doesnt have to like me, but he should respect me and he doesnt like what i tell him which is honesty and truth and i dont wrap him up in cotton wool, and that if we are being honest his son depresses me, when he walks into the house its like a black cloud of doom walking in and he saps all my happiness and energy and watching my oh with him makes it even worse so i have suggested he goes back to taking him to his mums on a friday and he stays there with him and spend some quality time with him and not just let him sit on the xbox all night .... last night the first friday after the argument his dad his here and his son stayed at his grans !!!!
theres so much more i could add but this is long enough as it is ....

I just feel like giving up on the whole relationship tbh its just to much like hard work, ive brought my two boys up the last 7 years of that on my own working full time so its not like it cant be done ..... any advice, comments good or bad would be much appreciated :-)

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/09/2017 13:26

I don't think you are a monster at all, I suspect you are very 'solution driven'.

I think you you've done was not only meant well but probably would have helped, if you could have waited to gain his trust and confidence first. As it went, by focusing on the negatives, you've done the exact opposite and made him suspicious so that even the things you are doing just to be kind are probably seen as a mean to introducing something not so nice, so it is not welcome.

I don't think you should back off, I think you should start again, and doing so with as said, focusing on the positives. Every child has some, and every child need to feel that these things about them make them special in their own way, and that the things that make them not so happy do not define them because they can be improved.

SMB21 · 10/09/2017 13:28

Sisterhood

As mentioned on other posts he has no medical diagnosis as such but he has lots of issues

I have discussed all this with dad and continually tell him he should be spending quality time with his son he needs guidance but falls on deaf ears I'm afraid

As I said so much so we are on the verge on separating now because I genuinely don't want this much stress in my life, it's too draining and dad isn't the person I thought he was, I don't feel he would be there for me long term should I have a major illness if he can't do it for his own flesh and blood

OP posts:
SMB21 · 10/09/2017 13:42

Swingofthings
Thanks again and your quite right I am solution driven but I am also empathetic

I do need to back off things have gone too far for that and I have expressed my concerns to my partner and suggested he takes full responsibility for his own son

Right now the bad is far outweighing the good

I very much doubt we will still be together by Xmas time so I don't want to invest any more time in his son, I know you may think this selfish and normally I'm a self challenger and don't give in to things easily so this has taken me great deal of effort to back off and it's hard to switch off knowing everything that's going on in the child's life
But I've no doubt all will go back to normal if it's not already

He can continue eating rubbish food, getting fatter and lazier and more introverted the older he gets as you've all said perfectly clearly he is not my responsibility 😊

OP posts:
SMB21 · 10/09/2017 13:52

All, there are a million other examples I could have put but I've tried to pull out the more obvious things

I will continue to help people who want to be helped

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/09/2017 14:57

I will continue to help people who want to be helped
And that's the thing, you are assuming that your OH should want to help him and that by not following your ways, his son is bound to fail. The thing is, I've seen kids showing similar traits to those you describe in your SS who end up being totally adequate kids and I was one of them, although not as awkward as your SS. Still, I was overweight, had an issue with food (over-indulged) and even though I did have friends and could communicate, I too was saying very little to the people I didn't trust.

My SS was a bit like you in that she really believed that I needed her help as I lacked manners, social skills and self care (indeed, I hated washing as a kid and would happily go a week without a bath or shower). My parents however were not half as bothered as she was and this caused friction between my dad and her.

As it was, I turned out very well (better than her own daughter as it is). It was all a question of self-esteem. The best thing my parents did was send me on an exchange programme where I stayed with a family who made me feel like I was a great person. Suddenly, I wanted to eat healthily and take care of my physical appearance. I came back a different person, one who was confident and comfortable in her skin.

I'm now quite close to my SS and she has admitted that she took things much to seriously when I was a kid, that her intentions came from the fact that she really cared (something I couldn't see then), but that in fact, she was going about it the wrong way because at the time, I didn't want to change, let alone change for her in the way she wanted it.

I hope your SS meets someone who will accept him as he is and make him want to change rather than making him feel that he needs to.

SMB21 · 10/09/2017 17:13

Actually no I don't assume he needs help I actually know he needs help but aside from that I haven't forced anything on SS he knows he has issues with food, he said he wanted to change what he ate BecUse he was bullied at school, I took this as a chance to start talking through options and different things with him I didn't force him to change but what I did tell him was he had to want to change and people can't make it happen it's not going to away magically, things take time to change, which is why I suggested as a next step the video as it explains it in children's language by a very good child pyscologist and only when he decided he wanted to watch it did he ? He was never forced

I am also not assuming everyone turns out for the worst and yes because I care is the reason I want to help him

I have always only ever talked to him about changes he could make and what the outcomes may or may not be and it was only when it was appropriate, I obviously wasn't thinking that he had never had this sort of communication before from his parents and how he would handle it
I genuinely thought i was trying to help and I do believe he made some small changes a couple of months ago he was happily having yoghurt and fruit and smaller amounts of crackers but he's now back to eating just crackers

OP posts:
SMB21 · 10/09/2017 17:17

And what I mean by helping people is friends etc..... who want advice don't think I'm some sort of do gooder I'm not, I'm just someone who always there if people need me being colleagues, friends and family

OP posts:
MamaLeen · 10/09/2017 17:39

Regardless of whether the child is or isn't being neglected, it is none of your business.
You are only his dad's girlfriend.
It is for the boys father to step up as the parent and not be forced to by anyone.
For all you know his mother has more information etc on the son but because your parent is a workaholic/ cba there is no point in sharing.
Maybe this woman has mental health issues as knows her son needs help but is at breaking point because his 'father' is no use and the girlfriend has her two crazy ts rd and the doctors can't find the right diasgnosis.

I think you know very little information and should leave it to the people directly related to the boy.
Sorry if I sound harsh which I do but working with special needs children your attitude is no help.
And to call a child who emotional and developmental problems a 'big black cloud' is cruel and maybe he feel this was as he is about to face you

And the fact you seem a very passionate and motivated mother confuconfuses me why you are with a 'father' like that

Isetan · 10/09/2017 18:30

If this boy is SEN then meaning well, which I think you do, could be counterproductive. He needs specialist and parental support and you can't provide either.

The immediate problem is that his father is a crap parent and if he won't pull his finger out then this poor boy will suffer more. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who would neglect a child.

Given this boy's issues, I would contact SS and let them know that he isn't being adequately supported by either parent.

Isetan · 10/09/2017 18:33

Right now constantly being on his case about xyz (however well intentioned) is probably making him feel like crap.

SMB21 · 10/09/2017 20:03

Isetan

As previously mentioned in other comments he isn't considered SEN nor had any other condition been diagnosed other than eating disorder and motor skills, he does display autistic traits though

The black cloud is how I feel, I can't help how I feel it wouldn't matter whether child or adult I generally don't surround myself with grumpy miserable people and I obviously I don't let him know that of course what do take me for

His mother suffered depression well before her son was born, her eldest son now 23 spent weekdays at his nans and only weekends at home until he was old enough to go to school so I think his mothers condition goes way way back

Social services are involved at the request of dad and an anonymous caller possibly neighbour both calls concerning sons welfare, infact this is the 3rd time SS have been involved in the last 3 years !!

Mum and dad have no line of communication at all other than when mum occasionally turns up at dads work to kick off which is becoming less frequent I have seen it on video as has everyone else around the unit although I believe they are used to it as she has done this on and off over the last 20 years, maybe due to frustration you may be right but I think her condition goes back to her teens

I am a very passionate mother and continue to be for my boys and as you can imagine from what I have seen of dads involvement the last few months in particular I am questioning my relationship don't worry I am not that stupid, however I have seen the lengths mum will go to when she wants things her way ? Ane very often stops him coming anyway for no real reason

The full picture could never be explained here

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 11/09/2017 00:58

I think the OP has been treated unfairly on this thread.

OP sounds like a very caring step-mother who wants the best for her SS. Posters who are saying "it's not your child" seems to be an unfair remark. I am a single parent and I hope when I meet someone, they will treat DS like his own.

OP what you said about the SS's lack of communication skills/ fine motor difficulties and other stuff.. becoming a bigger issue when he becomes older...sadly you are right. Though it seems like you are doing too much, though I understand you care for him. Not all parents are like you OP...some are too caught up in their own shit that they seem to neglect their child's needs.

In this situation the SS's mother has mental health difficulties and the father is....what is he doing again ? It's very difficult but all you can do is support your DS, don't go all heavy with the nutrition books and stuff... but spend time with him, let him see that your not trying to discredit him but you actually want to help and support him.

Isetan · 11/09/2017 09:52

Despite what a lot of people think diagnoses are hard to come by especially if neither parent is interested or inclined to fight to get to the bottom of their child's issues. Even if there isn't SEN, comparisons between the impact of your parenting on your children and your partner's child are pointless. Your SS is an individual with different needs and coming from a different background, as I said, I think you're well meaning but well meaning can do more harm then good.

All you can do is show interest and love when he's in your company and as long as you are prepared to stay in the relationship, push his father to stop neglecting his son's needs. There clearly is something going on with this child and your partner is either part of the solution or he is part of the problem.

For this boy's life to change for the better it will need one or both of his parents to step up and unfortunately currently, one possibility isn't capable and the other can't be arsed.

SMB21 · 11/09/2017 09:53

Notgivingin789

Thanks for your post and yes I know not all parents are the same trust me I've worked with the NSPCC since I was school age helping with children's parties and I've seen the sights of some children and the neglect of some parents
I guess I am just pushier than some people and only stop pushing when I get a reasonable outcome in whatever the circumstance even if it's phoning customer services with a complaint

The father is now seeking legal advice as social services aren't helping, I think as someone mentioned previously he's not the pushy type of person and buries his head in the sand a lot of the time but he is scared she will stop him coming or if he takes too far with her mental health issues could push her too far so he's actually in a tricky situation and again like someone else mentioned he sees him one day a week and doesn't want to be seen as they one who won't let him do as he pleases which is mainly what he does at home

I have also spent time with SS thats what I am saying I've done the softly softly approach I've done day's out, just me and him out for breakfast and let him choose whatever he wanted albeit it's usually 2 crumpets, a scone and two pieces of toast I've done day's out, fair, zoo, museum, cinema, bowling, holidays loads of stuff and when he comes to the house the following week no matter how good our weekend was the previous week he comes in would be happy to ignore me and walk straight up to his room and go on his Xbox and this is where the arguments start with dad as to me of no one can find anything medically wrong with him in the last 8 years then it's partly his upbringing, I'm sorry but whatever people may think of me if that was my son I would be talking to him about it and again explaining that hello's, goodbye,s, goodnights are good manners and again as he gets older he needs these communication skills

Maybe I'm just talkin double Dutch again SS is 11 going on 12 In a few months he isn't a baby he'll be a teenager/ young man before you know it ....

OP posts:
SMB21 · 11/09/2017 10:00

Isetan

Thank you and I do agree with a lot of what you say it's just hard to watch if that makes sense

OP posts:
sassymuffin · 11/09/2017 12:18

You appear to be in a relationship with a man who treats you like a housekeeper and childminder. He isn't stepping up to the plate for his son who desperately needs supportive loving parenting and for this reason alone I would issue an ultimatum - step up as a father and partner or fuck off.

I feel really sorry for this little boy, he has a disturbingly chaotic home life with his mother, some kind of addition need that he is not receiving support for and a shit father.

if we are being honest his son depresses me
*And I don't love him no.... and who said we have to love our Step children ?
SS is like a big black cloud
I find him extremely draining

The above comments show your attitude to your partners son and children are surprisingly perceptive - even those with additional needs. Please consider that perhaps he can pick up on your feelings towards him.

This boy sounds a lot like my DS, he has dyspraxia (DCD) which covers a multitude of areas and is greatly misunderstood.

My DS struggles to tie his laces and hold cutlery. He too had food issues when younger that where not psychological but where because of underdeveloped muscles in his jaw that made him avoid all food that required a lot of chewing. DS has massive social anxiety and usually will be polite but very monosyllabic with adults outside of the family home. If DS feels put on the spot this drives his anxiety into overdrive and he will become even quieter. My DS doesn't "do" trendy as he only wants to feel comfort in elasticated waist trousers and soft tops.
He is obsessive about playing computer games and we struggle to get him to do much else even on holiday, the doctor has explained that this is something DS is good at so he will seek comfort and find confidence in it. He doesn't want to do outside activities as he struggles with all sport, running and ball games and feels inadequate when trying to take part in them. He can get moody and irritable if we do something he doesn't and can get overloaded with too many instructions. My DS is academic but still is categorised as having a SEN as are many children.

SMB21 · 11/09/2017 13:05

sassymuffin

Thanks so much for the response, regards first point i have issued an ultimatum (for the very reasons youve described that's exactly how i felt) as much as I don't really think people should have to do this i felt like I was reaching the end of the line, partner does have a lot of good qualities to be fair and hes in a very difficult situation but stepping up to the plate for the sake of his sons future is a must.

I feel sorry for the SS too, your absolutely right his life is chaotic this has been a lot more recent though a lot has happened recently over his schooling which is causing a lot of hassle between mum, dad and SServices

I have a friend who's son is also dyspraxic, it was her suggestion to try scouts, said it worked well for her son and he does have all these traits, i have worked with him to tie laces but he struggles to tighten them, he rides a scooter and we did start him on a bike but he wasn't mad on that, academically he is really bright but he definitely isn't categorised as having SEN

Also, I cant help my feelings, as i said i am a happy go lucky person, always laughing and joking, SS demeanor is the total opposite, in any other situation i would make light heart of it and have a bit of a laugh and joke but with SS you cant even do this but your right maybe he can sense it

I do know guys are not always the best at dealing with emotional situations and I've advised oh what I would do if it was me in his shoes, i cant force him to do anything but what I can do is walk away from the situation myself, which may be the answer for me (and dont all go calling me selfish now !! lol)

Some may think im quite hard but I am in fact the opposite, my children were attached at the hip for best part of 13 years, and i have been a single mum for the last 7, I did everything with them juggling with working full time, (the reason dad and i split) my friends all say i am too soft. I have had my own stuff to deal with and had a good couple of years counselling mainly around confidence and trust and posting on here has actually shown me i didnt trust my own judgement and I should have as although some people have been very quick to judge my character i know myself better than they do :-)

i am not a bad person I know that... hence why I constantly keep telling partner to seek medical advice so that we have a better idea how to deal with it, I have given him numbers for NSPCC, Youngminds and a good child physiologist for him to discuss things, suggested he finds a good solicitor who can help him with family mediation and securing access rights so that she cant stop him seeing his son, i cant do anymore ive exhausted all options

I have also decided I am doing nothing more until i see dad step up to the plate meanwhile I will give the whole situation incl relationship with dad until xmas to see any change :-)

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/09/2017 13:25

Good post from Sassyy, my dd is the same (Aspergers and dyspraxia), she is very bright so I wouldn't necessarily class her as having SN's or a learning difficulty, most people that don't know her would probably say she's lazy, stuburn and socially awkward. You SS doesn't need a diagnosis to be on the spectrum? It's hard to get a diagnosis especially if the parents are not pushing for one. I actually think you are being mean and I don't think all your SS problems are down to lazy parenting, I get accused of not being tough enough with my dd, not making her eat the right foods and not reaching her to ride a bike, sadly it's not always that easy.

You sound like a bit of a know it all (sorry), just because you have raised children, worked with children and are a pushy parent it doesn't mean you have the right to put your SS problems down to his mother and your dp' parenting techniques. Just let them get on with it.

Not every child wants to go to clubs, take part in activities and not every parent wants to commit to taking them either. My kids come home from school and they like to relax and wind down because school is tiring for them, I offer to do things with them but they don't want too and I don't push them, I don't push them to be sociable either but my eldest has friends and goes to youth club once a week. We are working on food issues but this is hard, the foods your SS like to eat are described as beige foods? A common thing with kids on the spectrum (not a fussy eater thing, it's a sensory thing, similar colours and textures). Everything you describe in your posts cries out ASD, if you want to help the poor lad then research it instead of judging, don't expect him to thank you for taking him out or for cooking him dinner because to him your not doing him a favour so why should he thank you? Social skills can be hard for some kids, it's ok to gently remind them to say thank you, please and hello whilst out but for some kids it doesn't sink in. I have to remind my kids before we go out anywhere, if we go to someone's house or to a party that they should say 'please' and 'thank you', I have been doing this for 13 years and they still forget, I have taught them manors but they find it hard because they have ASD.

Just think about what you have written and go and look online at ASD.

  • problems with food
  • problems with social situations
  • lack of communication
  • unable to ride a bike or do up laces
  • Not many friends
  • enjoys being alone on a games console
  • family history of mental health

And you think this boy doesn't have SN's?? The only neglect I can see is the lack of understanding and the pushing for a diagnosis of possible ASD and Dyspraxia.

sassymuffin · 11/09/2017 13:39

It sounds as if you have been struggling in this relationship for a while OP.

We have all given a passionate response towards your SS as he sounds as if he is a child in desperate need with numerous red flags. Would DH apply for at least 50/50 custody? (I think this is the minimum he should be doing btw) An 11 year old boy sharing a bed with his mother long term and refusal to send him to school are immediate pressing issues.

How would you feel if DH wanted SS to live with you 50% or full time? Would you fully support him in such a decision as it would clearly impact your life too?

Above all don't forget yourself and your own happiness, it is easy to only see the child in this situation but you have needs of your own too. It can be a lonely life living with a workaholic, particularly if he has other family commitments. Does he make time for you and make you feel cherished and loved?

sassymuffin · 11/09/2017 13:43

Also DS's dyspraxia defines him as having a SEN, his handwriting is atrocious because of poor motor skills so he requires a laptop for exams and extended writing. I only add this as Iforgot to ask what DS's handwriting is like?

SMB21 · 11/09/2017 13:50

Lovemusic33

yes it was a good post by sassy

And I dont think I am a know it all, far from it if it comes across that way then apologies .... and i have researched all of the things you've suggested and am also a member of a couple of different FB groups and as described in another post ive met and talked to children with HF ASD and they have overcome significant hurdles so i have seen with my own eyes people can make changes in their lives for the better

I do know the subject and the traits pretty well and thats why i believe he does have more serious underlying issues, what I dont understand is if he has all these obvious traits why the school or doctors havent suggested anything ?

e.g the school his mum is trying to get him into and refusing to let him go to any other school is apparently very strict and only allow tie laces for PE ? this will be a problem for him ?, its a very sporty school ?, he hates sports and sports day ...another thing he may struggle with and if they have limited resources for their SEN intake and he isnt categorised as SEN then he wont necessary get the help he needs from the school, its a lot easier in primary school, high school is different and this is the kind of thing that confuses me with his parents (this however is mum's doing not dads) this is more like mum wants him to go this school whether its right or not ? she has never even visited the school so how does she know if its right for him? neither has dad for that matter, so i am not being a know it all its just common sense to me, this school would never have worked for my eldest lad in a million years

OP posts:
SMB21 · 11/09/2017 14:51

Hi Sassy and thanks again great response and very logical

Yes i have been struggling for a while and the workaholic thing wasnt so bad in the first couple of years its been getting slowly worse the last 12 mths getting later and later home and doing less and less at home as too tired, he is very loving though and ive been cheated on in the past and i trust him implicitly and thats a big plus for me. It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago over a bottle of mayonnaise lol, obviously evident things are strained arguing over mayo

my main confusion is that SS is under child services for motor skills and eating and has been for 7/8 years, social services are now involved (they are apparently helping mum get a place at the school she wants) but as i explained he isn't categorised as SEN and from what i understand schools have a limited amount of resource and take in a certain number of pupils with SEN and thats one of the first criteria of getting into any school, so he may not get the support he needs ?

He is also finally now in his own room thankfully again dad offered numerous times to sort the room out but she wouldnt hear of it, neither mum or mums mumspeak to oh when he goes to pick up his son, they leave his stuff at the front door

I have suggested dad to consider the alternative of applying for custody full or part time, i havent suggested yet this be with me i have alleviated to him getting his own place with his son and we can kind of go back to dating i just can't see it happening and i know if he moves him in with us over time it will end up me looking after him as i work from home quite a bit, mixed with travelling.

Tbh I don't think I want this i've just got my life back after bringing up my own children, just feels like a big jumbled up mess atm need to sit down and work through everything

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/09/2017 14:52

It's a bit of a postcode lottery regarding diagnosis, it's not always easy to get one (we were lucky) also some counties are no longer diagnosing Aspergers and are concentrating on children with more sever autism which annoys the hell out of me as Aspergers can be just as challenging as severe autism. I know several people who have sealed a private diagnosis.

I tried so hard to treachery dd to ride a bike, I even took her to sessions at the hospital with a OT (had to drive 25 miles ands lug a bike to the hospital once a week for 8 weeks) and still she would not progress from just sitting on the seat. The same with swimming, I took her so many times for her to just cry and shake, she had lessons but no progress made. I think it gets to a point where there's more important things they need help with, where is riding a bike going to get them in life anyway? Yes I would like for her to be able to swim as it's a skill that could save her life but the more I push the more fearful she becomes. It's a case of picking your battles. I would encourage him to go places, take him out once a week, try and let him chose but don't expect to be thanked for it, dont expect him to have an amazing time but be pleased that he tried. It's also a age thing, many of dd's friends are similar, spend a lot of time on computers and consoles rather than doing social activities, yes some kids are into sport and going out with friends but some just are not.

Maybe going into high school he will get more help? High schools are more equipped for picking up on these things and his traits will be more apparent. Dd has changed a lot since starting high school but we did chose a high school that best suited her needs and already had good support in place for children like her. Year 7 was hard work but now she loves going and has friends.

Lovemusic33 · 11/09/2017 14:54

And I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to have to bring him up, I'm single and could not be with someone with you g children now mine are getting older. I have done my time and I don't want to do it again. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that but I think you should consider ending the relationship, maybe then your dp will step up and parent his son alone.

SMB21 · 11/09/2017 14:58

Sassy sorry his handwriting is pretty good, does hold a pen in different position than most like a left handed writer but hes right handed

the school were considering applying for extra time to complete his SATs they werent concerned he wouldnt be able to complete the papers but the time it would take as he can be slower than most, but he completed in the normal time and had great results

again here for me I would have celebrated his success in some way...but neither parent did anything !! again I felt sorry for him as it was a big achievement for him

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