Advice on blended family issues

[SMB21]

Hi, hoping someone can give me some advice on what to do i've tried everything to make the relationship with my oh's son work but every week is like groundhog day, his son has a number of issues I believe and he doesn't act like a typical 11 year old more like 7 or 8 I will try and put as much as possible, his mum my partners ex also suffers with mental health issues and dad is a workaholic, he has lived with his mum and nan for over 2.5 yrs. My partnet and I have been together 3 years i was nothing to do with the split they had already split a year when i met him

i met his son after about 3 mths but we were never intimate or anything and i was introduced as dads friend, it was after about 18 mths he told his son i was his new partner, he used to stay with me through the week and at his mums every friday when he had his son and then he would have him every saturday so we were never spending any quality time together

i have two teenage boys who get on well with my partner and they both have gf's and are progressing well with their lives, college work etc...other than being untidy there are no major issues with them

my partners son has social communications issues, he cannot hold a conversation, only ever answers yes , no dont know never says hello, goodbye, or goodnight (when he stays here every week) without being prompted by his dad and if not prompted he will not say a word, he comes over for one night a week and brings games consoles inc `his phone, he has poor eating when i met he only ate dry crackers, crisps and cakes, oh and chocolate, hes overweight, does no activities or isnt part of any groups, has no friends outside of school, so doesn't socialise, old fashioned dress sense which will be his mum/nan although he would wear a bin bag of you told him to, couldnt use a knife and fork, tie his own shoe laces, ride a bike and he never looks like he's a happy child always looks like hes carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders

so fast forward, we moved about a year ago to a bigger house so he could stay with us and have his own room, bought him a whole new wardrobe of nice young boys trendy clothes (which bit by bit have ended up at his mums and never come back despite me asking dad), still doesnt speak to me without being prompted and when he does its in exactly the same tone and the same stance it was the previous week, thats like its been forced then once he's said that unless spoken to he doesn't say another word to me, bought him loads of books on nutrition and exercise, i have taught him to tie his laces as best i can given only see him once a week, i think he may struggle with small motor skills as he struggles with laces, I taught him how to hold a knife and fork, tried changing his food habits by talking to him about the importance of a good diet longer term, got him a bike, a trampoline, a scooter to get his off games consoles and a video made by a child pyscologist which is brilliant at explaining why he has the food problems (as its not a medical issue, he can eat and swallow crackers perfectly well), his mum found this and accused us of brainwashing her son and took it off his ipad, oh and i did for a few months have him after school and a saturday morning whilst dad went to work, i took him out with me, out for breakfast shopping etc.... tried my hardest to do normal stuff i did with my own boys

In addition as mentioned my oh is a workaholic, i also work full time and manage everything house related, and i mean everything, i cook dinner every night, manage all finances and have my own two boys. I book every holiday or weekend away, or social event.

After nearly 9 months of this, I have got quite fed up and have wondered what I am actually getting out of this relationship other than a load of stress lately, this has subsequently culminated in a few arguments recently part of this is over his sons welfare as i believe he should step up to the plate as his dad and take some control of his sons future I believe he needs some support and guidance and he recently didnt get into the high school he wanted (despite non of his parents doing to high school visits/tours), they appealed and still didnt get and now his mum has refused to send him to any school until he gets a place at the one she wants, despite her son saying he would go to the school allocated, and she is going to homeschool him , cant even teach him to eat or tie laces..... its a joke oh and his mum also stopped him coming on holiday with us this year as we were taking him out of school after he had done his sats and my son finished his a levels, this would have been only his 2nd holiday abroad in his life, he had a week in wales and a weekend at legoland up until this, but its now ok for her to keep out of secondary school a major development milestone in his life so its about her i believe not him, the school they want is very sporty and his son is not sporty one bit so may not even be the best school for him.
My other half wants him to start at any school but says what can he do ? im sorry but i would do whatever it took to get my son into school, SS are also involved now as his mum was reported by someone who we dont know who... although i half believe it was her to help the school situation as that all they seem to be doing liasing with the school to get him a place ..

sorry for such a long post and this is only half of it... anyway my oh in one of the recent agruments told me his son doesnt like coming here and is scared of me !! i was fizzing... I said you know what thats fine...he doesnt have to like me, but he should respect me and he doesnt like what i tell him which is honesty and truth and i dont wrap him up in cotton wool, and that if we are being honest his son depresses me, when he walks into the house its like a black cloud of doom walking in and he saps all my happiness and energy and watching my oh with him makes it even worse so i have suggested he goes back to taking him to his mums on a friday and he stays there with him and spend some quality time with him and not just let him sit on the xbox all night .... last night the first friday after the argument his dad his here and his son stayed at his grans !!!!
theres so much more i could add but this is long enough as it is ....

I just feel like giving up on the whole relationship tbh its just to much like hard work, ive brought my two boys up the last 7 years of that on my own working full time so its not like it cant be done ..... any advice, comments good or bad would be much appreciated :-)

Both my dd's nailed their SAT's, dd1 coming away with level 6's (before they changed the system) and dd2 did well despite being given the extra time which she didn't use. We did celebrate but didn't make a massive deal about it as I had played it down to stop them getting anxious.

You are being incredibly honest SMB21 and if this is a relationship that no longer makes you happy then you are sensible to look at all of your options. You are not being selfish but truthful.

You also have to consider that going forward if you remain with your OH your SS will remain a huge and important part of your lives forever and this will require renewed effort by you to rebuild the fractured relationship and try to see a different side to a frightened little boy who struggles to communicate with the world.

Has your DP realised his personal life is disintegrating while he works ridiculous hours? His child and partner need him to be there and he is picking a job over them, does he choose to work these hours or is he forced to?
Just for your info if it helps:
You are getting mixed up between an EHCP and an SEN, it is a minefield!
If a child has an EHCP (or a statement) they will automatically have a SEN, it is the the EHCP only what can name a school and go top of the list. Very difficult and arduous to get and usually reserved for students that require considerable support sometimes one on one.

If a child has a recognised SEN but no ECHP ie dyspraxia or dyslexia etc then they get additional support in school by way of an Individual Education Plan but get no preference in their application to a school.

Funding cuts mean that it is increasingly difficult to access appropriate diagnosis and support It takes persistence and unrelenting determination to see this process through in some areas of the country. It appears that SS parents are not willing or capable to do this so I pray that social services can help but they too are a underfunded and overstretched agency so progress can be woefully slow.

Has DS now missed the beginning of year 7?

Lovemusic33, thanks and i get that I don't think SS is quite as severe as your daughter and being your own child its very different to a step child and the feelings and bond you have, I wish he was my child sometimes lol... he does have swimming lessons and is moving up the groups slowly but surely and the bike thing was more to see if he was interested so we could go out on small bike rides as a group on a nice day, he can pedal etc... just didnt seem very motivated so its been sat in the garage last 12mths

As a parent I am just not a great believer in allowing children endless hours of gaming and computer games i just don't think its healthy, my boys would have done it all day every day if i let them i just wouldn't let them, children will never explore alternatives if they don't have a need to plus there's so much bullying and other stuff going on, SS had a meltdown a couple of months back and trashed two rooms because he wasnt allowed in an xbox chat group !!! his one and only best friends mum actually blocked SS from being allowed to chat to her son and hes still blocked now

i thought high school would be good for him and boost his confidence a little and give him some independence of doing things on his own, finding his way around, but as of today he is still at home being homeschooled just ridiculous ...makes a mockery of the education system if someone suffering mental health is allowed to homeschool a senior school pupil, again cant get my head around this ...

Last year was about the time i realised some of his issues and why ive suggested upbringing as possibility

he wouldn't go to a public toilet on his own which was about 10 yards away from where we were sat as he was scared, i asked him why, he didnt know he never does know its a standard answer, i walked him 3/4 of the way and said i,'ll wait here, next time i went half way, told what i was doing each time he checked back every 10 secs i didnt move, over a period of a week he eventually said i will go by myself just watch me, i did and waved as he went down the small stairs, the funniest thing was he was gone a while and i ended up panicking and going to shout him he came out oblivious saying he needed a number 2 lol, i laughed he didnt quite get the joke or the fuss but he's now much more confident so for that a classic example of not being given the chance, even then he would come to the balcony of a night say goodnight to dad and nothing at all to me !! this was over a year ago before he'd even started staying with us

on the same holiday his dad was dressing him everyday, i said hes 10 what are doing hes not helpless, i said just leave his clothes out on the side and let him dress himself, which he was absolutely more than capable of doing himself, if your doing it for him he will let you ...
he was shouting his dad over to move his sun lounger out of the sun as he couldn't see the game on his phone hed been playing the last 3 hours lol and dad would get up and walk over and move his lounger ? i was amazed and in the end said to his dad just tell him to move it, he can do it but will let you do it all day long so he doesnt have to move lol, gosh my boys are lazy and would be all day every day if i didnt make them do things

you are absolutely right on the relationship front though ..... and oh did actually have half his stuff packed 3
2 weeks ago, hence why i say xmas as weve talked through a number of things that need to change and the top of the list is regarding stepping up to the plate for SS, he does have an appt at solictors this week :-) i have said dont do it for me do it for yourself and your son

Lovemusic33, that's fantastic and agree its not a big massive celebration or anything just a bit of special recognition for a job well done, praise that some people think i havent given and i do, believe me i have had years and years of training courses on communications skills and dealing with people as part of my job

Lovemusic33 sounds as if your DD's are thriving, you must be really proud!

Sassy, i am a very honest person, wear my heart on my sleeve and its not been making me happy for some time now and i am trying to work through options, i know i cant and don't expect people to necessarily change who they are but consideration for others is a must in a relationship, i also think being on my own for last 7 years and a few prior to splitting with boys dad i become very independent, which is what i have said to oh i dont need a man to survive a want a relationship that enhances my life and right now this is all draining my life and i know which is also why if he doesnt step up and take responsibility then there is definitely no future and that isnt meant as a threat its a choice dad needs to make, ive suggested even i may not be the right woman for him and his Son and he needs to think about that from his own view of the world, maybe he needs somewhere who enjoys being a carer type i am sure lots of women enjoy it my mum did but thats not the kind of person i am i work too and expect an equal partner.

Ive also discussed quality of life .... its his own business ive offered to help in setup and manage differently, he works very much week to week and he has had the business 20 years now so shouldnt be needing to work late 5 days a week every week and every saturday, ive suggested he sorts out access for SS every other weekend and have him for longer and take every other saturday off, instead of every friday when half of that time hes working and we cant do much as he has to have SS home by around 6.30 and only finishes work at 1pm and i know this will take a lot of effort on my part too

and thanks for clarification i have read through the intake criteria but didnt know about ECHP as far as I know he never had any one 2 one or anything at primary and my friend is a SW and she advised its highly they will do very much as he isnt classed as a child in danger which where there focus is and as you say with lack of funding they have to prioritise cases, they should be ensuring mum takes her required medication, this is why she relapses as she goes through spells refusing to take her meds which keep her on the straight and narrow.

Yes SS has missed starting year 7 going into 2nd week now, another thing i feel for him about as a parent, major milestone starting secondary school for any child

It's pretty hard to get a EHCP for a child that has no learning difficulties, I have never been able to get one for dd1, dd2 has one as she has severe sensory and communication problems and needs a lot of support (she's just started a autism specific school), dd1 has never needed one as her school offer her enough support and she quite independent.

Thank you Sassy dd1 has plans to go to uni and study English literature, she wants to be a teacher, she's just started year 9 and is predicted A's and A*'s for GCSE (if she stays on track), academically she does amazingly but does struggle socially though this has improved since making a new group of friends.

lovemusic33
I admire your strength and you must be very proud of both your girls :-)

only a suggestion but did mention in a previous post that a speech therapist helped a high functioning autistic girl i was talking to in a high school recently, she was year 10 and wanted to be a paramedic, she did start speech therapy early on so not sure if it would help or not ? just a suggestion :-) although she seems to be developing well on her own :-)

SMB21 - I think that overall the fact that our OH seems to be very passive in his parenting of SS must be very frustrating for you particularly given SS's circumstances.

Your description of SS not wanting to use the public toilet alone and your resolution does show that when he feels secure, has clear instructions and has repetitive support he is able to overcome some of his anxieties. This approach is fantastic but only works if all the adults are on board. Unfortunately it sounds as if you are the only person recognising this.

Do you have any contact with SS's mum or is it only your OH that communicates with her.

It is heartbreaking to think that this boy has missed such an important milestone of starting secondary school. If he is struggling socially then this may isolate him further. There are many children that flourish in home education but it does not sound as if SS's mum is equipped to deal with the challenge of home ed if she is not stabilised on her medication. It sounds as if she is trying to hold the LEA to ransom to try to force them to give a school place of her choice and this is not how the system works at all.

Lovemusic33 I'm sure your DD1 will achieve everything she wants to as she sounds as if she is determined and hard working.

Dd2 has had speech therapy since she was 2, she was completely non verbal until she was 4 but communicated with picture cards. She had music therapy which eventually led to her singing and then talking. She often chooses not to talk. Now I have got her into this new school she will be working with on site therapists each week and obviously the staff are well trained compared to the staff at her old mainstream school. I am hoping to see a big improvement with communication. I have spent 6 years trying to get her into a specialist school. We have been lucky though that both the dd's were diagnosed early (dd1 was 4 and dd2 was 3) so they have had a lot of imput from specialists. It's taken a lot of hard work. My husband wasn't supportive, I kicked him out a couple years ago and carried on fighting on my own, best thing I did.

And exh's family have a huge history of mental health issues including bi polar and schizophrenia.

Sassymuffin, I have no contact with SS mum never even met her, OH doesn't really communicate with her either or her mum who she lives with. OH and SS txt or speak directly to organise arrangements and such like (which really should be through mum or Nan but almost every time they try it ends up in chaos, usually as mum goes off on a mad tangent about him leaving her and so on .... about her nails and her hair, and anything else that she thinks is wrong with her (which is part of her illness i believe) most of the time she says exactly the same things and hurls various abusive swear words, which usually ends up with OH putting the phone down, so comms not good and when all this usually happens it transpires she hasn't been taking her medication regularly

Mum has written a 3 page appeal but there is nothing different on the appeal than the last one, which they didn't get passed so cant see much changing but the authorities and SSservices have given them available places in 4 schools which he must go to one assuming they do not get the one they want, so he's into his 2nd week after 6 weeks off in the summer of doing not a lot

It is heartbreaking as it's mums doing not SS who has refused to let him go to the school allocated, and why I get quite annoyed really as she stopped him coming away with us using taking him out of school as the excuse and the impact of a week off after SATS in primary is insignificant compared to the impact this is having

OH has now been to solicitors, they have advised him to apply for an order or objection to homeschooling as he wants him in a school, they found out tomorrow if the school will even accept the appeal Sservices don't seem that confident, suggested OH should take SS to the other schools for a visit and he needs assess all the schools for which he thinks would be the best fit

just more hassle SS could have done without though really, going to feel more insecure going into a new school 2/3 weeks maybe more yet later than everyone else :-(

Lovemusic33
I didnt realise Dd2 was initially non verbal, and made huge strides you must be so happy for them both.
My goodness you've had a hard slog but your obviously very determined and very strong person too :-)

I guess as parents we constantly worry, my youngest wasn't the most sociable could hold a conversation if he wanted just couldn't be bothered, never showed an interest in girls, (possibly gay not that it was problem) worry what he would do after college going for interviews etc etc...
he came home said he was giving up college after a year, he's now 3 months into an IT apprenticeship and loves it, had a gf now for nearly 2 years, shes like the daughter i never had ha ha
i guess no amount of worrying will change anything whats meant to be will be as they :-)

I do very much so, wish you and your girls the very best for the future :-)

Your SS should be in school, I'm not a fan of home schooling unless it's totally necessary, I had to look into it as an option for dd2 if we couldn't secure a school place but it was the last thing I wanted, she needs to be in social situations to give here the best chance of improving her social skills, luckily we got a good out come. At the age of 3 I was told by a paediatrician that she would probably never talk and would never attend a mainstream school, she was then forced into mainstream because she started reading and writing. She's now verbal but struggle to communicate ( more selective mutism, she can talk when she wants too ).

Your DP is doing the right thing to try and get his son back into school, at least if he's in school if there are problems they will be picked up.

You have a dp issue. At least his mum tried. I can't bear the thought of a dad whose son needs him and he doesn't turn up. There is a limit to what you can accomplish without your dp onboard. Have you been honest with your dp that you think he is a shit dad? Would you really be in a relationship with him if having children was on the cards and have this guy as the biological father?
Also your approach is off. Kids don't learn from reading books of theory. Especially someone with learning or motor delays! They learn food by eating it and help shopping and preparing. They learn activity by doing it with their family, but this kid who needs more help than most can't do that, because mum with issues and shit dad. See a theme here? Poor kid. Poor you, I may think the approach is wrong but you've been trying hard.

Lovemusic I couldn't agree more he doesn't need isolating from society any further than he is now, fingers crossed something will be decided in the next couple of weeks

Dd2 has dome tremendously well both your daughters have their mothers strength by the sounds of it

timeisnotaline

I know i also have a DP issue (although dont actually know what DP is but everyone uses it ? ive guessed it to mean domestic dad ?)
what has his mum tried ? its his mum's agrumentative streak thats preventing her son whi desperately needs to be in school from going because she cant have the school SHE wants, nothing to do with son, mum should never have assumed he was going to get his 1st choice school as it doesnt work like that and should have considered her sons schooling needs by visiting the schools in the area for the best fit for him, so have to disagree with you, now he is going to be joining schhol 3/4 weeks later than everyone else abd thats not what he needs with poor social skills and anxiety and eating issues !!

I know now that there is a limit and i know DP needs to be onboard, i have told in not so many words he should be doing things differently and he should be spending the time that he has with his son doing things with him not handing him off elsewhere so he can get back to work

i bought the books for him to flick through at his leisure, awareness, and he did read through them on occasions, they were just stacked up with his comics and others books

i have also done the food testing, we've tried it a game, ha has shopped with me and i gave him items to go and find in the supermarket, ive baked healthy muffins with him

as I have stated in other posts i have never rammed things down his throat, ive also always tried explaining some basic reasoning and rationale in child friendly terms as to how or why something may done differently

which is where i got to pretty much at the beginning of this post which was i have exhausted everything but i have also come to realise its not really my place to do all this (i just tried to help as I didn't feel he was getting enough parental support for his age, i still dont) parents seem more consumed with their own agendas than about sons needs that hasnt changed albeit dad does seem to be doing more ...my concern here is this has happened before when he feels he's forced to do something, he applied for divorce 3 times so he can officially sort out access rights with son, one excuse or another has prevented him from seeing this through ...so we will see

OP if you want to help do a course on parenting children with ASD.

You keep saying how well you did with your own children but if your SS has ASD he learns differently.

I have 4 children. The youngest has ASD. What worked with the others doesn't work with him. Even things like saying hello when I get in from work or eating normal food.

inniu

Thanks and I do understand that all children are different, my youngest wasn't the easiest child and although he screams of being on the spectrum my obvious confusion is why no one else seems to think the same ??

and because i have seen obvious areas where dad seemingly doesnt do what I would expect parents to do to teach their children basic communication skills its is sometimes difficult knowing what he's actually capable of and what he isnt ?

example, I always reminded my children to say goodnight to everyone not just his dad and I, and from a young age they climatised to doing this naturally (isnt this one of our jobs as parents ?) , dad doesnt even do it now, he says goodnight to his dad and thats it ? when i discussed this as an example with his dad, he never said he's been trying to do this for years he simply said maybe I didnt think because there were never people in the house other than family ? thats just one example

i have seen him change his eating habits
in the last 12 months, he did brillant
eating chicken nuggets (not healthy i know but wouldnt touch maccies for 11 years)
pancakes, crumpets, horlicks with milk, apple juice, various smoothies, granola, 5 different types and flavour of yoghurt, fish from a particular chip shop, apples, pears, strawbs (taken him strawb picking), pineapple, ham and cheese spread, we did make small changes for him these were big changes and i told him every week how well he had done, bought him books and sticker charts so he could show mum and nan what he was now eating so that they could continue and he could see his list of safe foods getting bigger and that would boost his confidence, since everything came to a head and hug row with dad followed, i have stepped back and already in the last 4/5 weeks hes back to eating just crackers...

he needs a gentle push or reminder to say something as simple as these are your breakfast choices and making sure he gets some variation which he will eat but if it not given to him he wont ask for it and that's his parents responsibility not mine i tried and proved it can be done

I have recently enrolled on a CBT course, if he is on the spectrum i am sure he is low end hence why probably never been diagnosed but i do 100% believe with the right guidance and support he can overcome a number of difficulties but the people he trusts the most in my opinion (and its only my opinion) are not supporting him enough for what he needs to make inroads for overcoming these issues

Unfortunately where a child with SNs has a parent who is unable to cope the child just doesn't get the support they need. It sounds like your SS has one parent who can't cope and one who won't step up.

inniu

For the large part I agree, SS lives with his mum and Nan, i believe nan does a large part of the looking after of SS

Mum can be for the majority of the time very difficult, i don't think in the last 3 years i have ever known mum and dad to have a civil conversation about their son that doesn't end up in huge slanging match and why i have repeatedly advised OH he needs a family mediator to get involved for his sons sake, his parents need to be on the same page and if for the sake of their son they cannot do it by themselves then get help the only person suffering in all of this is THEIR son and neither of them can see that, very frustrating to be part of and watch happening and can do nothing about

I had similar with my DSD however she lived with us full time so it was ramped up hugely. She had clear needs, and some SEN, her Father my DP was on top of her school work however all her other needs, hygiene, sociability and health were not as keenly parented. Her mother didn't want to know, however wanted to keep control of her role by telling DSD that she did not have to listen to me. It's a really painfully awkward situation for a step mother, watching someone with so many needs but really being in a very tricky position.

I'd say OP that giving him those books etc and being very aware of your DSSs weaknesses, for want of a better word, is something that you are going to have to scale back on massively. Not because DSS doesn't need it. But because you are not the person to give it.

Firstly he is only with you one night a week. So if he eats dry crackers the whole time that's just the way it is. The main influence on his diet, his mother, lives with him 6 days a week so nothing you can do.

That me doens't want conversation? Fine, don't make him. Just let him be.

That he isn't exercising? Fine. Again. Just let him be.

If I were you I'd turn this completely around. You need to have some level or 'bedrock' of a relationship with him to do anything. Otherwise you're pushing and giving him books is going to feel intrusive and unwanted.

So praise him in any way you can. If he does well in school, ask if you can see any good projects? If he doesn't want to show you, just say fine I understand, but that sounds really interesting.

Expect some cordiality from him, Hello and Goodbye and thank you for a meal you've cooked. Those basics are fine.

Hi bananasinpyjamas

Thanks for your feedback, i guess I need to have more patience and if he said hello, goodbye and thanks for even some of the things I had done for him that would be brilliant, sadly after knowing him 3 years nearly and him staying here every week for a year that still doesn't happen

I am not fattist or anything and people once they are old enough have a choice to do what they want to do, but I really struggle with not promoting healthy eating and exercise (I am no twiggy myself and havent exercised recently due to back problems, all i can manage is walking which i do 3/4 times a week)

Its a well known fact that we currently have the highest % of overweight children we've probably ever had due to fast food, 1000's of tv channels and technology, so i guess people are never always going to agree as we all have our own views but as a parent I cannot sit and watch an already overweight child becoming more overweight, more obsessed and controlled by gaming and most likely become even more introverted, morally i would never forgive myself for allowing a child to become obese
same with food ...hes been bullied in the past at primary over this, i am not saying he should conform but if society changed where everyone accepted everyone for who they are then all would be good even though he would still be unhealthy and overweight but he wouldn't be bullied for it but that's not the society we live in, SS isn't disabled or anything he can find some activity he is happy doing, i have his dad taking him to crazy golf which is exercise and he enjoys it, its about finding the right activites and he should get in to that mindset for his own benefit no one elses...so sorry i disagree with leaving him be even if its only one night a week, im not forcing him to a marathon every week, just light exercise and a bit of fruit, it gets him out of the house too which is good as improves his confidence in different surroundings

what I would agree with is it isn't really my place as this should be the job of his biological parents, they are obviously more inline with your way of thinking just leave him be ...

on a previous post i mentioned my friends daughter currently having a nightmare with her mum as shes overweight now 13 and blaming her mum for not eating healthy !!! cant win ...

bananas, I have done all the other things you suggest too too many posts to read now though.... homework, helped with lines for school play, made things with lego, even made exercising with him fun, where we all do together, dad, SS and me and we laughed lots which is awesome, hes enjoyed it that much hes asked to do again... there's just so much to tell its hard getting it all down

so even after a fun filled night and day ...where hes been very much like dare i use the word "normal" child who's had fun, baked, played games, had some time on his xbox, had variation at mealtimes, come time to go home he goes upstairs gets his stuff and just walks out of the door, if dad doesn't think to tell him to say goodbye and if i didnt say anything he would happily get in the car and go home ....thats where i am struggling if its upbringing because he hasn't been taught from an early age or unable to think (also on a previous post)

Hi all,

Just thought i would update those interested on the latest progress

SS came over last Friday I was chilled and nice as pie :-)

Social services have been to interview him twice this week and finally, they are now concerned about his health and welfare and have suggest to DP he is not in a good environment to help him grow and they have concerns, DP will be picking SS today and wont be taking him back ( backhanded advice from SServices before longer term inevitable happens where they suggest he is removed and placed in an environment where he can grow) , this has forced DP into action

He will now be coming to live with us for the time being at least anyway

I will be very honest as always, not really what I wanted as an outcome being selfish i don't want to go back to mothering younger children even more so one with a lot of issues

however, my moral compass wouldn't allow me to turn my back on a child no matter what and DP and I have agree a trial run until early in the new year, if it isnt working for everyone he will be moving out and into a place with his son

and yes appreciate SS is very fragile and i will do what I can to help him over the next few months and have already discussed with my two teenage boys incase they need to help also

oh and also have a place in a decent school (mum is still not happy and waiting on her appeal for the school of her choice), SS is happy with the place he has (its actually my boys old school, they enjoyed their time there and a friends mum told me her daughter (SEN) thrived there and she couldnt believe the change

onwards and upwards i guess :-)
thanks for everyone's support so far, good and bad its given me different perspectives to think from :-)