Flaky Women on Tinder

[user1488655394]

Been single for over a month so decided to give Tinder a bash. Matched with a few nice women - all good so far, or you would think.

Tinder Girl #1 -

Started off chatting to her and turns our we have the same hobbies in common, indie films etc. Good flirty banter, she complimented me a lot of my looks etc. so I asked if we could arrange a date to meet for a coffee or drink.

She comes back with the following message -

'To be honest I'm not sure if I would feel things date-wise. Don't hate me even though I'm not sure we'd have loads to talk about.'

I responded with -
' I respect your honesty. What appears to be troubling you?'

She says -
'I'm going off a feeling. I've had a few flings/relationships that haven't worked out because I was a bit unsure at the start.'

Not heard from her since. A week later, same thing happens with another woman.....

Tinder Girl #2

She's really flirty, we exchange numbers, she seems lovely. She wanted to see more photos of me which I was a bit apprehensive about but still sent it her via Whatsapp. She thought I was hot.
She then says she need to pick up her kids from School so will chat in the evening. I messaged her a few times that evening - no response.

I messaged her next day around midday saying 'how's it going?' - nothing.

I then sent her the following message - ' If you aren't interested, I totally respect that but if you can let me know I'd appreciate it because I don't want to keep bothering you and pushing something that's one way.'

She finally responds with 'Sorry, that's why I haven't been replying. I'm not interested anymore.'

So my question is - they seemed flaky right? I mean, did I do or say something wrong? Was there any way I could've turned this around? I'm open to any critique / advice.

Many if not most people are on tinder for an ego boost and don't want to meet anyone. Just want to banter a bit. I say that as someone who met her dp on Tinder.

Tips? Treat it as a numbers game and remember that these are complete strangers who owe you nothing at all. It is pretty needy to ask a woman why she isn't speaking to you - that made me cringe for you sorry. Again these women are total strangers. If they stop responding it's because they aren't interested. That's always the case. And they don't need to have a reason for why they aren't interested... Asking for one comes across like you feel entitled to their time/attention when you really, really are not.

Treat Tinder as an introduction service, not a dating service. And don't expect anything at all. Really.

They're not 'flaky', they're just not into you. Deal with it or don't try online dating!

What happened to simple courtesy?

A quick "it was an interesting conversation, but I'm just not feeling a connection" is all that's needed.

Ghosting is just bloody rude.

I disagree that stopping chatting when you haven't even met yet is ghosting tbh.

As for having to say "I'm just not feeling a connection" etc... I mean... If you were chatting to someone in a pub and then didn't feel like chatting anymore, would you not just... stop chatting? Would it not be a bit strange to expect anyone to say "ok well I am going to stop chatting now because I'm not feeling a connection"?

Again these people are strangers and I think it's best to remember at all times that they owe one nothing at all. I mean - one can expect more - sure - but I do think it's just going to upset you to expect more iyswim

You are over-invested. This is a numbers game. Throw a wide net. Come back when you can tell us about Tinder Girl #24 and Tinder Girl #25.

Back off on the flirting in the beginning - which you mention in both scenarios.

Thanks for the interesting comments.
Honestly, I was being over invested and I certainly wasn't expecting too much or owe anything from 'strangers' as you put it.
I just found it odd that they were blew hot and then cold in a matter of hours - literally and in a space of a week with two different women.
I mean I would totally get if someone was not interested in me but found it strange why put so much effort in taking the time out to get my number, chat to me, give all the signs of being interested and then not reply. Strange. Anyway thanks for your insight.

I wasn't being over invested

Because they're playing the game - they're not just talking to you, you have a few people on the go and it lets you calibrate them against each other - of someone comes along you feel more if a connection with it helps you reassess how it's going with someone else. It's not ghosting. It's totally normal for conversations just to stop.

Is your whatsapp pic that bad 🙈🙈

blew hot and then cold

Oh my god.
You are using language like you've met these women or are actually dating them.
How could they "blow hot and cold" with you? They literally don't know you and have never met you!

You probably said something that red flagged them. Who knows what it could be. I once stopped chatting to a man because he used the word "tranny". I didn't tell him why. Why would he care?

That or both lasses had 10 other blokes on the chat and decided one of those was a better prospect than you.

It's not blowing hot and cold ffs. It's online dating and the more you say, the more clear it is you aren't sure how it works.

Jeez Louise. We women are told how we get too clingy too quick but this seems to be getting worse and worse with guys, especially in the online dating arena. You purport to hate this clingy woman who texts 50 times in the next 48 hrs after you've met her for sex once for example, and yet here you guys are, in the online dating arena for which you seem entirely a. unprepared and b. unrealistic in what you expect to happen.

Woman with child doesn't reply for a few hours/half a day - you send another text? - first off, for crying out loud, could it be that she's busy with her child?!! What if her child got taken in and she couldn't leave the hospital bed for 4 days. Things do go on in people's lives and informing someone (who could be one of many) that they won't be able to reply is something you'd expect of a partner or wife, not someone you've been chatting to for a bit on social dating media.

You have an initial chat with someone and seem to get on and then they say they're not interested. You take it as a full in rejection of YOU personally - when you've not even established any actual, real, connection yet AT ALL. Why?

Sometimes you want to chat and you have a nice chat but something is missing so you don't wanna take it further (you or her). You're busy, so you don't reply, you've got kids, so you can't reply, you have a load of stuff comes up at home that you have to sort out, so you can't reply for a couple of weeks, because you're already online dating you click with someone else a lot more so you start talking more to that person. A myriad of reasons why a person might reply for a bit then not do so any more - NONE of them personal to you.

The long and the short of it is, if that person genuinely wants to be with you, they'll make every effort. If they're not making that effort then they're just not that into you.

Move on, don't take it personally.

Well said thestamp

Utterly baffling and I agree, this attitude would have leaked out into any conversations and probably put the woman/en off.

Someone I was chatting to I stopped chatting with when he called two gay men 'benders'. Agree, who would waste their time bothering to explain all of that?

I'm not after a whiny 'man'child with no emotional resilience and simmering anger-/misplaced resentment at women issues.

I think about it like a conversation in a pub. I bump into a bloke that seems nice at the bar, get chatting. He will either say things that float my boat or not. He will either be my cup of tea or not. If he's not, back to my friends. I don't owe an explanation. Frankly it would be weird, and likely some men are total arseholes to result in a "you're not so special" or "wasn't interested anyway". Fuck that noise.

You'd be amazed at how one thing you say or don't say can make or break it. I went home with DH partially because we had both read the same, very obscure, book. He couldn't believe anyone else knew about it. It was on the bookshelf at the bottom of his bed Ten years later, here we are.

To find someone who is your cup of tea is the goal. Them disappearing means they weren't.

I see all the time on mens Tinder profiles:
"Sick of time wasters on here"
I'm sorry but a lot of people calling time waster when it's just a simple fact of conversation not processing after a promising start, really shouldn't be online dating. Sometimes I'm scared to get into a conversation because I know that maybe 9 out of 10 times I'll end up not feeling it.
And let's face it, if you get 20 matches a day say, then clearly you're going to be talking to others. Who you may click with more.

I've found that no matter what I say, it's not received well.
I've tried honesty
"Someone else beat you to it, they've asked me on a date. Sorry"
"I'm not quite feeling it. We do have some things in common but I'm looking for more"
None of it ever goes down well.
So I lie and say I'm not well / busy or am taking a break (which is often true)

It is a numbers game. It is a minefield. You need to be prepared to plough on. Or take a break.

Good luck though OP!

So true, Mrs TP - if there's someone you're really interested in and feel a connection with you don't let them go! So if a chat flags I just let it flag. They weren't into me for whatever reason and that's fine. Sometimes I've got as far as the idea of meeting up being broached, then I picture it in my head and realise I have to talk myself into it and then I just let it slide - maybe I could explain myself to the guy but they'd probably take that as a chance to explain why I should date them (a natural reaction) and if I already feel I'm not keen, that's a waste of both our time.

I'll also say that the one time I started a chat with someone on Tinder I was seriously interested in, I could tell within literally about three messages they were a contender.

Single for a month? you need a much thicker skin!

Let me tell you how tinder works. Conversations get started all the time. The vast vast majority of them just fizzle out with no particular reason. This is just what happens. It's not being flaky or blowing hot and cold. It's just human nature. Women tend to get quite a lot of messages and will probably be messaging several men at once, only one of which may result in a date. You need to send out lots of messages and put the time in. And don't take t personally if a conversation ends for no reason.

Do you think you're over messsging?

Boring generic questions like how's it going? & the like leave me cold. Maybe you should message with more of a purpose?

'If you aren't interested I totally respect that' cringe. If she's not replying she's not interested and not into you. Don't take it personally. If I was her I'd be thinking red flags immediately on receipt of that message and binned you off anyway. It's needy

Totally take all that on board, and you're all correct in saying it's a numbers game but...

If you're chatting to someone in a pub and they walk away you've got a clear visual signal that they're not interested and the conversation is over. Unless you're an idiot/drunk/an arsehole you're going to give up at that point. Obviously that's not true where it's all in writing unless one of you makes it clear.

As for "no timewasters" appearing in profiles - that's equally true, IME, of women which suggests it's not just men that "don't get how it works."

OLD is just a dehumanising experience over time. I found someone I've been with (for four years) now, online, but I feel the odds are somewhere up in national lottery territory and I'm very grateful not to be on it any more.

My friend is on tinder and bumble. Once she gets someone's number she ends up finding them on Facebook, then maybe instagram. From there she usually decides if there's something she doesn't quite like. A particular thing that puts her off is if she gets the impression that the men aren't tall enough . You should sing up to bumble. Puts the ball entirely in the woman's court.

I've matched with tons of women on Tinder and few of them even bother writing something to me. It's frustrating. You've only chatted with two ladies so far? Start whining when it's been 50.

They're not flakey neither are they blowing hot or cold.

If they don't reply to your last message, consider them to be uninterested. Don't message them again.

TheChampagneGalop, any man I've ever initiated a chat with online has very very quickly lost interest. In fact I've literally never had an interesting chat with a guy when I started the chat. So I don't bother. I don't think men in the whole value women who they don't have to put any effort in for.