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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I feel guilty?

77 replies

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:40

Hi long backstory.
In a nutshell married 14 years and together with H 24 years. Four DC aged 13 - 6.
He has had at least 3 affairs that I know of and a few 'indiscretions'.
Last affair came to light 2 months ago and it was a year long relationship only discovered when the OW dumped him and sent me a letter and evidence.
At the time he was adamant he wasn't happy with me and there was no going back.
I have since got my life together and have met someone else and am having fun.
H had realised that he is going to find it tough financially on his own and since I told him I met someone has decided he wanted to come home.
We have had a few 'sexual' moments which I deeply regret and have told the guy I'm seeing about and we are seeing what happens.
I feel extremely guilty that I'm happy and ex is miserable. I went to counselling yesterday and he came to mind DC. He was crying uncontrollably and when I came back he had gone and his mum was here berating me for making him miserable.
I should add that he moved to his aunts last June to get 'space' and had been staying there four nights a week ( or at his mistresses). He now lives there full time.
I guess what I'm asking, my kids are happy and I'm happy but is that wrong considering how miserable that makes him?
Thanks for any clarity.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 09:43

Does not compute. Sorry.

scarlett1987 · 08/09/2017 09:45

He brought it on himself... do not feel guilty!

SparklingRaspberry · 08/09/2017 09:45

No it isn't wrong at all.

This is now YOUR time. If you have found happiness enjoy it!!! Do not let the thought of him being miserable ruin things for you and you children.

Do you think he was thinking about your happiness and well being when he was shagging somebody else? No, he wasn't. He couldn't give a fuck.

He's only upset now because it's too late. He wasn't upset before you found out. He wasn't crying to you then.

As for his mother, I'd be telling her to keep her beak out and to stay out your house.

Honestly, ignore whatever attempts he does to try and either woo you back or make you feel guilty.

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 09:45

Why would you feel guilty that he's made himself miserable?

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:46

Sorry Anyfucker it's all mulling about in my head and spewing out like verbal diaorreah lol

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 09:47

I think Anyfucker meant that she doesn't understand why you would feel guilty, not that she doesn't understand your post

JigglyTuff · 08/09/2017 09:48

He's feeling sorry for himself. Why would you feel guilty? He brought his misery on himself - it's not your fault, not your problem and not your job to fix it.

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:50

Lol oh right Sweetluck makes sense. Counsellor said the same that they don't get why people feel guilty about following their own path.
I guess I just still care for him but not as a partner if that makes sense?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 09:54

Did he take account of your feelings while he was fucking multiple other women ?

I assume you were the one left at home with babies while he dated and pursued a sex life elsewhere ?

Stop sleeping with this sexually incontinent idiot or else you will be stuck with him forever dipping his wick in you and assorted others forever as no other decent bloke would want a part of that.

Unless all mucking in together is your thing ?

RubyGoat · 08/09/2017 09:55

Your MIL needs to keep her nose out of your business. If she starts again I'd be sorely tempted to ask her why she feels you should put up with her son making you miserable for years, putting your health at risk with possible STDs etc (if you've not been tested please do get this sorted!) Why does her son get to shag around but when you've ended things due to his behaviour, you're the bad guy, why? Perhaps if she can explain that reasonably & logically, you will listen to her, but until then, no.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 09:56

Op hasn't ended things. She is putting her current relationship at risk by messing about with this tosser.

Boatmistress17 · 08/09/2017 09:56

He is still a twat. Trying to sabatage your new life by taking you to bed. He wasn't thinking about you whilst shagging about!!
Take control back of your own life. .

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2017 09:57

No you shouldn't. HTH

Simplest question ever on Relationships

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:58

Thanks anyfucker the sleeping together ha stopped. I'm clear I don't want him and that's why he's now upset.
Yes many nights I cried for him to stay and he said no he needed 'space'.
I'm confident I've made the right decision just didn't know wether it was ok to.

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 08/09/2017 09:59

You need to cut him off properly and move on without this man who is a noose around your neck. Nothing will ever change that he is a serial lying cheating selfish bastard.

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 10:00

*has stopped. He's tried and I have no interest

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 10:01

It's more than ok

Ignore his "upset". He can't stay faithful to you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. Clearest case of cake and eat it too ever.

Allow him to sabotage your life if you wish but that would make you very foolish indeed.

cakecakecheese · 08/09/2017 10:04

He's trying to make you feel guilty and it's working. Did he feel guilty when he was shagging about? He's made his bed. His happiness is not your responsibility, yours is.

ferando81 · 08/09/2017 10:09

Don't feel guilty -you deserve happiness.As I get older it seems to me selfish people never change.You go back to him and he will treat you like dirt

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 10:22

Thank you all. I now know that I deserve and want more from a relationship.
I never want to go back and am happy with my life.

OP posts:

silkpyjamasallday · 08/09/2017 10:23

It sounds like he deserves to be unhappy OP, he has acted appallingly. You keep on doing the best for you and your DCs happiness, he is no longer a part of that for you by his own choices. He is trying to make you feel guilty, probably to make himself feel a bit better and to try and worm his way back in now that he has seen the grass isn't greener. You don't need that in your life, onwards and upwards

Elland · 08/09/2017 10:29

I would be telling his mum where to go! Is she aware of all the times he was shagging other women? I wonder if she ever shouted at him for treating you like utter utter shit!

Pity him maybe but certainly don't feel guilty, keep moving forward with the life you're now happy with. Whatever you do do not let him ruin your new relationship along with the one you shared with him.

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 10:38

She is aware but keeps telling me it's in the past lol.
I really happy so I just want him to accept it. MIL says she is old fashioned and it's all too quick but I've been loving this half life for six years at least so I think it's my turn to be happy xxx

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 10:39

To be honest I am not sure why you wouldn't think it was OK. Have you been conditioned to think you don't matter?

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 10:42

She is aware but keeps telling me it's in the past

It's only in the past because you have ended it!!! If you took him back it would very soon be your present!

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