Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I feel guilty?

77 replies

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:40

Hi long backstory.
In a nutshell married 14 years and together with H 24 years. Four DC aged 13 - 6.
He has had at least 3 affairs that I know of and a few 'indiscretions'.
Last affair came to light 2 months ago and it was a year long relationship only discovered when the OW dumped him and sent me a letter and evidence.
At the time he was adamant he wasn't happy with me and there was no going back.
I have since got my life together and have met someone else and am having fun.
H had realised that he is going to find it tough financially on his own and since I told him I met someone has decided he wanted to come home.
We have had a few 'sexual' moments which I deeply regret and have told the guy I'm seeing about and we are seeing what happens.
I feel extremely guilty that I'm happy and ex is miserable. I went to counselling yesterday and he came to mind DC. He was crying uncontrollably and when I came back he had gone and his mum was here berating me for making him miserable.
I should add that he moved to his aunts last June to get 'space' and had been staying there four nights a week ( or at his mistresses). He now lives there full time.
I guess what I'm asking, my kids are happy and I'm happy but is that wrong considering how miserable that makes him?
Thanks for any clarity.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 10:44

Oh poor upset man......having to face the consequences of his actions. Hmm

Its easy to see where he got his sense of entilement to do as he pleases from, with a mother who would blame YOU for this shit!

He got what he wished for, and what he deserved. Why the hell should you feel guilty about that? He brought it all on himself.

If he tries to guilt you again remind him that where is his now is as a result of his decisions and his choices. And tell his mother to get to fuck.

Beware however that when he realises that he isnt sucking you back in, he will turn very nasty. At the very least playing silly buggers with child support and access etc in an attempt to fuck things up for you. Distance yourself with no contact except about the kids. Stop asking him to look after the kids outside of access times, it will be another sick to beat you with. You need to have completely seperate lives in order to avoid blurring the boundaries.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 10:59

Thank you for all the advice. Anything is so is solely within his access times and he has said I will need to 'work with him' a he can't afford full maintenance and find a place of his own. I already pay all my own household bills and the full joint mortgage on the home

OP posts:
Afflictus · 08/09/2017 11:01

I used to be married to a man like this. Had multiple affairs, even while I was pregnant. I stayed for 13 torturous years. I have never cried so much over anyone and never experienced pain like it but I would believe him when he said he would change.

A whole year after I left, I started dating again and met someone else. He started messaging asking if I'd forgotten I was his wife and he couldn't believe I was moving on so quickly HmmGrin

This type men are all the same. He got so cocky that he thought he could do literally anything to me and I would stay regardless. He never stopped to think I would have a limit. These days he can't get a relationship to last longer than a few months and I know he hates to be on his own. I genuinely can't think why I stayed with him now or why I got so upset about his affairs. He wasn't worth it.

I understand why you feel for him because you're a decent person and feel uncomfortable about being the 'source' of another person's pain. But save your sympathy for the old you who took all this crap and be proud that you got out. He made his bed, he will have to lie in alone.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 11:01

And yes I've always put everyone's feelings and happiness before my own.

OP posts:
Afflictus · 08/09/2017 11:04

Beware however that when he realises that he isnt sucking you back in, he will turn very nasty. At the very least playing silly buggers with child support and access etc in an attempt to fuck things up for you

Totally agree with this. My ex contributes to be difficult over access to the DC. As soon as he realised I'd moved on and he had no chance of a reconciliation, his true colours started showing again.

Afflictus · 08/09/2017 11:06

I'm the same op. Total people pleaser. Part of the reason I stayed so long was because I felt sorry for him and couldn't stand to see him cry when his affairs didn't work out.

I'm working on putting myself first and being more assertive about my needs. I'll be doing the freedom programme soon and hopefully an online assertiveness course too. Maybe it's something you could look into as well?

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 11:12

he has said I will need to 'work with him' a he can't afford full maintenance and find a place of his own

Errr no!! What you need to do is go to CMS, let them sort out the maintenance and his housing problems are just that, his. Not your problem that his plan to sponge off the OW and live in her home fell through is it? Would he be "working with" you if your finances were fucked up because of this? No....thought not.

The only thing you need to do is look after yourself and your kids.

Ellisandra · 08/09/2017 11:12

Bloody hell!
I might just about get why such a long shared life means you can still have complex feelings for him.
But I cannot understand why you feel guilty, when he has had multiple affairs!!!!
Give your head a wobble Flowers
Not even counselling style wobble - just a proper telling yourself off Grin

I admire your honesty with your new boyfriend, but I think you're very lucky he hasn't walked away. Please please please don't jeopardise this or other relationships in future by being sexual with your ex!

You don't have to hate him... but you really mustn't sleep with him Smile

Sounds like you're doing really wel though - good luck for the future! x

Merida83 · 08/09/2017 11:18

I read your OP twice to see what is missed first time. Nothing. He had multiple affairs and indiscretions. He moved out a yr ago part time as needed space? But now is miserable that he can't have his cake and eat 3 others too?

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. He's a horrible man and a pathetic excuse for a husband. You are much better off with him gone.

Plus What sort of example is your relationship to your kids. It's either saying to boys it's fine to not respect your spouse and treat them badly while in return expecting to be treated like a king. Or saying to girls you don't deserve love respect kindness and care you don't deserve to be treated as an equal as man is in charge and can do as he likes but woman must go out of her way to obey and please.

If you are finally able to be happy and the kids are healthy then you are doing very well and he just needs to accept he made his bed it's time to lie in it!

Ps does his mother have any idea how awful he has been? If she does then she may have suffered the same for years at her dh hands as why else would any woman think that's an acceptable way to treat your wife and children?!

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 11:48

In years to come you can be honest with your kids about why you didn't take him back.

They'll respect you for it and it will set their standards.

Guilt? Lord no.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 12:56

Thank you all. Yes his mum knows everything and her father did the same to her mother.
I'm blissfully happy right now.
Yes one of my biggest fears was that my kids grew up to think this was acceptable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2017 13:01

Tell MIL to wind her neck in, he had his chance (s) and he blew it.

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 13:38

You should have left him years ago, he's made a mockery of your marriage and has treated you disgustingly; I bet everyone knew about his sordid affairs too.

Wise up OP, do not pity any person who could treat you so badly; I'm amazing you are even able to have a conversation with the serial cheat; he's putting the tears on now because you put up with his shit for years and now you're not and he's floored; it's called karma, move on, have a great life and don't let him or you fuck up your future by going back again into the past, it's done now; is he really worth you risking your future over, he doesn't sound worth a fuck tbh.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 15:52

Thank you all.
I'm excited about moving on. He's gone to see a private psychiatrist like I've been asking him to do for the last few years. To little too late.
The guy I'm seeing just sent me this pic. 😊

Should I feel guilty?
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2017 16:03

Of COURSE your husband comes running back with tears in his eyes and hat in hand - he wants you to take him back because it will be easier FOR HIM. He wasn't thinking of you or your family when he was sticking his dick in any woman he could get his hands on, I assure you. And he would be back to his old tricks the moment you let him move back in. If you feeling ANY guilt over leaving him the one thing you need is more therapy, because I'm concerned you will allow yourself to be treated like this again. Let your husband stew in his own misery. He's earned it.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 16:09

Aquamarine that makes so much sense. I'm afraid of being sucked back in.
So far I have been firm in my resolve.
It's very off putting as he is now putting xxx after every text and calling me luv.

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 08/09/2017 16:14

He took the risk and did it to himself. How dare he or anyone try to make you feel guilty.

Col hard quiet disdain is in order. Move on and enjoy your life. Don't get sucked in - you are not reasonable for his welfare in any way. Just as he cared not a jolt about repeatedly inflicting hit and pain on you.

Collidascope · 08/09/2017 16:19

You're a nicer person than me, OP. I'd be revelling joyfully in his misery. Genuinely, if someone has cheated on me numerous times and fannied about saying he needed space, I'd be extremely happy that it's finally come back to bite him on the arse. Also, him coming round and crying is highly likely to be manipulation. He's losing control of you and wants it back. Horrible man.

TheNaze73 · 08/09/2017 16:43

You should have left him the first time he chose to say fuck off to you & your relationship by choosing to have adulterous sex with someone else.
The only guilt & I mean this kindly, should be at yourself for taking so long to make the right decision.
Good luck

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 16:43

lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

He isnt a psychopath from what you have said, but this method works with many sorts of emotional manipulator. He needs a response from you to be able to up the ante in reeling you back in. Dont give him a response and he has no power.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 17:07

Thank you all. It seems manipulative to me. I should've walked away years ago but I thought I couldn't be alone or that no one else would want me.
I'm realising how much I happiness I've missed out on. I've been so miserable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 17:08

Are you secretly quite enjoying his lovelorn destroyed man act, op ?

I can't think of any other reason you would engage with it

Original poster
heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 17:11

Not at all Anyfucker. It's wearing and tiring and I wish he would move on.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2017 17:12

You engaging with it will hinder that process

yellowutka · 08/09/2017 17:18

Rather than feeling guilty, might I suggest this approach?

"At first when I see you cry
It makes me smile
Yeah, it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile"

Can't hurt, can it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread