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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I feel guilty?

77 replies

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 09:40

Hi long backstory.
In a nutshell married 14 years and together with H 24 years. Four DC aged 13 - 6.
He has had at least 3 affairs that I know of and a few 'indiscretions'.
Last affair came to light 2 months ago and it was a year long relationship only discovered when the OW dumped him and sent me a letter and evidence.
At the time he was adamant he wasn't happy with me and there was no going back.
I have since got my life together and have met someone else and am having fun.
H had realised that he is going to find it tough financially on his own and since I told him I met someone has decided he wanted to come home.
We have had a few 'sexual' moments which I deeply regret and have told the guy I'm seeing about and we are seeing what happens.
I feel extremely guilty that I'm happy and ex is miserable. I went to counselling yesterday and he came to mind DC. He was crying uncontrollably and when I came back he had gone and his mum was here berating me for making him miserable.
I should add that he moved to his aunts last June to get 'space' and had been staying there four nights a week ( or at his mistresses). He now lives there full time.
I guess what I'm asking, my kids are happy and I'm happy but is that wrong considering how miserable that makes him?
Thanks for any clarity.

OP posts:

RiseToday · 08/09/2017 17:30

Boohoo. You've moved on, he's just been dumped by his latest shag. His pride will have been dented but quite frankly who gives a fuck!

Don't jeopardise your new relationship.

Berthatydfil · 08/09/2017 18:16

Most toddlers learn that actions and behaviours have consequences. He's a bit late to this lesson but he's now learning that him treating you like crap now results in you ending the relationship.
Good for you OP and I hope you don't listen to his self pitying weeping and also don't fall for his whining about child maintenance either.
And if his mother can't keep her nose out of your business I'd be less inclined to have her in my house again.

SilverySurfer · 08/09/2017 18:33

No way should you feel guilty, this is karma at its best. No more sex with the ex - your current squeeze sounds lovely and you deserve to be happy. Your ex's misery is entirely of his own making and totally agree that you should be contacting CMS asap.

Wishing you good luck and a happy life without the loser.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2017 19:07

Stick with the new guy. Your Ex has had to many chances. Ignore your MIL.

Enjoy yourself.

Original poster

heather19771210 · 08/09/2017 20:36

Thank you, he is making me feel incredibly guilty for going out tonight. This is his night with the kids but he is crying that's he hates seeing me 'dolled up'. He is here as he has said that he doesn't want to get his own place he wants his home back. I feel bad for inwardly rolling my eyes.
He really cannot see that this is all his doing.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 08/09/2017 21:34

Omg, he's such an idiot! He's only sad because for years us been allowed back after playing away like a single man and now he won't be financially shored up by you and will have to actually grow up. Twat. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 21:39

he is making me feel incredibly guilty for going out tonight. This is his night with the kids but he is crying that's he hates seeing me 'dolled up'. He is here as he has said that he doesn't want to get his own place he wants his home back.

That needs to stop NOW.

He has the kids, he takes them out of the house and brings them back. It is not his home anymore, not since the day he left.

You need to get legal advice but stop him coming round.

Do you own/ren he house? Who's name is on he house?

Tell him tomorrow that tonights arrangement will not continue as of next weekend. That the kids will be availabe for him to collect at his usual time of seeing them and you will expect them back the next day at X time. That if he doesnt want to do that then you will be happy to attend mediation to sort it out, but that he will no longer be welcome at or in your home except to collect the kids.

SAND YOUR GROUND.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2017 21:39

STAND YOUR GROUND even!

RandomMess · 08/09/2017 21:47

You need to say "tough shit" on your way out!

ghost48 · 08/09/2017 23:00

For gods sake woman ,he wants it all ! fucking you ,fucking his other women ,in other words his feet back under your table and things all right in his universe .Time to move on my dear and leave the "player" far far behind ...............

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 00:06

this is embarrassing.... the fact your even giving this guy your time.. tell him to get to fuck out your house....

he is a dirty rancid shagger.....

you need to get a bloody GRIP OP

SilverySurfer · 09/09/2017 00:10

Don't let him into your home again. If he wants contact with the children he collects them at your front door. Don't get into conversation, you know where it lead. No-one did this to him, he did it to himself. You have to be strong when dealing with him and if you don't feel strong, fake it until you do.

Good luck.

NotAgainYoda · 09/09/2017 00:10

It's no coincidence that he is how he is, given how his mother is. She never taught him to take responsibility for his actions.

NC4now · 09/09/2017 00:15

You sound very strong OP. Don't let him rob you of that because his chickens are coming home to roost. It's his own making, and you are thriving despite everything he's put you through.

Shankarankalina · 09/09/2017 00:30

Its amazing how cheating partners have a problem with 'us' moving on, when they bloody well 'moved on' while still married to us.

I love to channel my inner Sybil Fawlty with an inward 'I know! I know!!' when hearing the wailing and gnashing of teeth at my apparently flagrant and colourful moving-on-ness. oh if only life were that exciting

SabineUndine · 09/09/2017 00:39

He's very sorry for himself. He never gave a flying fuck about you.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2017 00:40

He's crying but he had you and it wasn't enough for him. Bloody nonsense.

Tell him straight....he cheated and broke his vows over and over. You're done and just want to coparent. Simple.

Enough of his silly manipulative behaviour.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/09/2017 04:23

I love to channel my inner Sybil Fawlty with an inward 'I know! I know!!' when hearing the wailing and gnashing of teeth at my apparently flagrant and colourful moving-on-ness

Berthatydfil · 09/09/2017 06:51

Are you living in the former marital home? Does he still have any rights to it (joint owner/tenant)?
It might be difficult keeping him out of your home if he still has any rights over it- so you need to crack on with your divorce and sort out the house. Then change the locks and don't let him in again - he needs to sort out a home for himself where he can have the children for his contact.

Maybe consider moving to a house with no joint history or if that's difficult try to redecorate or change /rearrange the furniture.
Make it clear it's your space and he's a visitor and a guest and he has no right to be invited in and when if he is invited he needs to respect you.

Original poster

heather19771210 · 09/09/2017 09:18

Thanks, tmyeah the house is in both names (joint mortgage) though I pay all the bills now.
The mortgage is low and I've been advised not to move unless forced as there really is no equity to be shared right now.
Legally I have to allow him in which is difficult.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 09/09/2017 10:23

Why is he seeing the kids in your home? He needs to see them elsewhere. Do they see him crying and whining at you?
Only reply to messages about the kids and nothing else.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 11:06

see a Lawyer to have his name removed ... FAST

Original poster

heather19771210 · 09/09/2017 11:33

He's seeing kids at the house as he is living with an aunt and they don't want to go there.
Solicitor said to try to keep it civil and as the house is jointly owned I have to allow him access

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 14:27

in that case... I'd say .... you clearly want him back OP....

you're doing nothing to end this situation.. any Lawyer worth his salt would be helping you get him name removed from the Deeds..... but that isn't what you want.. or is it ? Your Ex is not keeping it 'civil' he is emotionally blackmailing you at every turn...

get another Lawyer who will end this Farcical situation....

SalamiSandwich · 09/09/2017 15:21

He is only feeling sorry for himself now you've moved on.

Well tough shit. You've made him miserable? Seriously?? Is that a joke? He bought all this on himself!

It's time you stood up to his manipulative pathetic behaviour OP.

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