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Original poster

Dh texting another woman

106 replies

Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 03:31

I inadvertently read a text on DHs phone last night. I've never been through his phone before but it seems that for years he has been texting another woman on and off. I read the whole discussion (dh was out running). One will initiate a conversation and they'll exchange a very long message or two and then it'll pick up again a few months later. He regularly compliments her appearance, always adds numerous kisses and most recently, in response to her saying she's seeing someone, he's admitted he always had some feelings for her. The reply he received today was her saying she had thought about it before too and he should have said something before he got married. I'm heartbroken. It seems she is currently working abroad and prior to that lived at the other end of the country. I have no idea how they met but they knew each other before we got together. I'm 100% sure they haven't actually seen each other in years.

What do I do? Part of me wants to confront him but I don't want him to know I've looked at his phone. I don't doubt that he wants to be with me - we've made so many plans for the future and we've recently started TTC. He's been fully committed to all of this but now I feel second best. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
SSYMONDS · 08/09/2017 03:59

How awful. You have every right to be devastated.

Some people see flirting on their phone as something akin to gaming - a fantasy world you can dip into when your bored and entertain yourself. I'm sure your husband is totally onboard with your relationship but he has been massively disloyal by doing this.

Personally I would tell him that something is very wrong and that you need to talk. Give him a good amount of time to worry, then confront him. Don't let him minimise it - tell him you're thinking of breaking up over it. I bet he sees it as nothing much really and you need to get him to see that it is a big deal. If you are going to get through this he needs to never want to do it again.

sofato5miles · 08/09/2017 04:06

If they were meant to be together, they would be. They are not. You obviously got together and married, so on every level your communication/ attraction / timing is superior.

He is indulging in a bit of fantasy and a dangerous one at that.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 07:41

I would talk to him but very calmly. I would be asking whether he still had feelings for her or what the situation is about.

Be the mature one in this, apologise for going through his phone but you felt something was wrong and you were right.

RidingRossPoldark · 08/09/2017 08:07

I feel for you. The thing that is worrying is this: if he used to have feelings for her before you met and they're just text friends now, why would he mention it? Just wish her well with her new relationship. We all know people that we may have had a soft spot for in the past, we wouldn't tell them how we felt years later! It would be embarrassing and serve no purpose. So, this suggests a level of intimacy to me. Seeing such a text would have been tough for me too and I would react exactly as you have, feeling like he's settled for me.

You can't let this stew. You will have to admit you've seen it and have a chat. And please don't TTC until you're happy that you are ok with this whole thing...

ChickenBhuna · 08/09/2017 08:13

Wow! You are all so reasonable. I may be in the minority here but I'd be livid if my DP was in touch with another woman and saying such things. Especially while we were ttc.

It's unacceptable behaviour and fully believe that such intimacy should be exclusive to your relationship.

I'm sorry op , he's behaved terribly.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 08:22

He is being out of order, but what she doesn't want to do is increase the ridiculous sense of unrequited love. I've seen reasonable people finish their marriages over a mirage of something they felt was previously unobtainable.

What he needs to do is feel the full breadth of how sad this has made her and how wonderful his current partner is by listening to him. Shouting and screaming might achieve the polar outcome.

ChickenBhuna · 08/09/2017 08:26

I'm really not suggesting shouting or screaming, I just question how dedicated he can be to having a family with rapidly if he can't help but text flirt with another woman.

As we all know , once kids are involved everything is more complicated and stressful. A huge level of trust has to be present to even ditch the contraception in preparation and it seems the op's dp has pissed all over that trust.

Myhomeismycastle · 08/09/2017 09:00

You're not over reacting at all, he's behaving appalling Confused. I would be devastated if I were you.

Am currently going through something similar (ish) the difference with me is that he's waited until we have a 7m old DS to show me his true colours, don't be me, bringing children into this will just make everything so much more difficult for you.

You need to have a serious talk with him now.

user1480334601 · 08/09/2017 09:04

Your husband has committed to you. He has no right to be messaging another women in this manner

This would be a serious issue for me. I'd sit him down and make it clear that if he wants to be with you he stops this immediately and forgets her. If he can't do that decide if this is the type of man you want to be with.

I agree you should start the conversation apologising for going through his phone but let him know you were suspicious. And we're right to be so

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2017 09:16

He's emotionally attached to another woman and those messages are totally inappropriate

RiseToday · 08/09/2017 09:49

I would be absolutely fuming.

As others have said, if you have a child with him, be prepared for this to continue. It puts so much stress on a relationship, you will quite rightly be hyper focused on your child and your husband will have to take a back seat. He would be a prime candidate for an affair based on your post.

KarateKitten · 08/09/2017 09:53

Absolutely totally and utterly unacceptable. I couldn't accept that OP. I'd hope I was strong enough to kick him out and give a very fucking clear message that emotional affairs are cruel and deceitful. I'd be heartbroken to read such messages if it was my DH.

QueenofallIsee · 08/09/2017 10:44

I am so sorry OP, how ghastly. You must talk to your husband and demand an explaination

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 12:22

Thanks for your messages. I was so hurt last night and today I'm just so angry with him. I agree with the general consensus that I need to speak with him. Most messages are talk about holidays, work, life in general but there is obviously more to it. I need to know what he wanted to achieve by admitting his feelings to her. Unfortunately we have his parents arriving tonight so I will have to wait a couple of days but hopefully I'll be able to calm down and speak to him rationally. It's not a deal breaker for me but communication with her has to end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 12:23

I did wonder if I had been overreacting seeing as they hadn't actually seen each other so I'm reassured that you're on the same page.

OP posts:
Boatmistress17 · 08/09/2017 12:25

When his dps leave I would suggest he tags along with them. .

category12 · 08/09/2017 12:30

It sounded within bounds up until he admitted feelings for her. That's crossing into "I want an affair" - as she very properly pointed out, he should have said so before marrying you.

She shot him down.

Having lived with someone who was chronically unfaithful, I would take this very seriously. I would stop ttc.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 12:36

You should do a bit more snooping before confronting him.
If you ask him anything, he will doubtless lie. Lets face it, he's kept this from you for years. He's going to minimise.
Yep, you need to do some digging before confronting.

Is she on FB?
Are they friends on FB?
Does he work away from home?
Ever late home from work?

it seems that for years he has been texting another woman on and off.

Looking back, were there any trips that he might have used as an opportunity to meet up with her?
How do you know for sure that they've never met? Hmm

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 12:37

Old bank statements might provide a picture.

TwoDrifters · 08/09/2017 12:40

You may want to send yourself screenshots in case he deletes everything, denies it was a big deal, & you then can't remember specifics to pull him up on. Hope you get through your time with the inlaws ok Flowers

RiseToday · 08/09/2017 12:55

This is a really big deal. It's one thing to have mundane chats with an old friend/girlfriend/ whoever she is about each other's lives, the weather etc but he has massively crossed a line by telling her he has feelings for her.

He was putting the feelers out, she rejected him but if she hadn't? What if she'd been all for it?

This is a massive betrayal. However you confront him, please do not allow him to minimise it (which he will). I couldn't have a child with someone like that, you will always be wondering.

Purplemac · 08/09/2017 13:10

Oh OP you must feel awful, this is shit.

I'm probably going to get flamed but I have a male friend who I think very similarly of - I have always had feelings for him and always will. It's really brought it home this week as we were catching up via a phone call and he told me he and his fiance are expecting a baby, and it crushed me. I am happily married to my DH and love him so much, but it doesn't stop me from feeling low about my friend.

The difference is however - my DH and my friend have met and get along great. My DH knows that I have had feelings for my friend in the past, and that I still have a soft spot for him. We see each other two or three times a year, once just the two of us and then once or twice with our other halves as well, and when he calls for a catch up it is not hidden from my DH. Not only that, but I would never EVER tell my friends that I will always have feelings for him. It's true, but it's not appropriate to discuss with him. We are both very happy in our relationships and if we were meant to be together, it would have happened a long time ago. His fiancee is perfect for him, and my DH is perfect for me.

I don't think what your DH is feeling is unreasonable of him, but the way he is conducting himself is extremely unreasonable and inappropriate.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 13:20

The hiding things from you is the big red flag.

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 13:22

Appalling behaviour, and he's married, no shame, no morals, you have every right to be livid, what a cxxt.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 13:35

I don't think you can demand communication with her ends. I think you are in danger of fanning the flames there. You can tell him how it made you feel and have a discussion about it in terms of it being inappropriate. Right now it's a whisper of a memory of desire. Don't make it into something it's not.

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