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Original poster

Dh texting another woman

106 replies

Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 03:31

I inadvertently read a text on DHs phone last night. I've never been through his phone before but it seems that for years he has been texting another woman on and off. I read the whole discussion (dh was out running). One will initiate a conversation and they'll exchange a very long message or two and then it'll pick up again a few months later. He regularly compliments her appearance, always adds numerous kisses and most recently, in response to her saying she's seeing someone, he's admitted he always had some feelings for her. The reply he received today was her saying she had thought about it before too and he should have said something before he got married. I'm heartbroken. It seems she is currently working abroad and prior to that lived at the other end of the country. I have no idea how they met but they knew each other before we got together. I'm 100% sure they haven't actually seen each other in years.

What do I do? Part of me wants to confront him but I don't want him to know I've looked at his phone. I don't doubt that he wants to be with me - we've made so many plans for the future and we've recently started TTC. He's been fully committed to all of this but now I feel second best. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2017 16:49

I'm glad you have been comprehensive in your stalking and sorry to hear this OP.

Here is what I would do.

Make sure you take records of everything - screeshot the lot, or take pics of the message threads.

Confront him by laying it all out before him. Tell him that you don't need him to interpret it for you - though you would of course like very much for him to talk to you about what the hell he thought he was doing. However - make it clear that while you're all ears, the fact is that as he's lied to you all through the time this has been going on (yes, omitting to tell your wife that you're regularly texting another woman and telling them you have feelings for them IS lying) - then you will take everything he says with a pinch of salt - and work from the very sensible premise that he's a cheat - in his heart if not yet physically. Point out that it's all come from him so far and if nothing's happened - well, from where you are standing it looks like the only reason for that is her knocking him back and the distance between them.

Look him in the eye and say - you haven't decided what you are going to do yet as you know you're in shock. You had thought he was faithful and you can't get your head around this - but you do know that you don't want to be with a cheat. TTC is off, naturally. As might the marriage be. He is to leave you alone. He needs to think right now about whether he has any respect for the person he'd planned to have a family with and decide whether he'd like to lie more, or tell you the truth.

Make him SHIT himself. No demanding he stops contact - rather - make him think that he won't even get the chance to do that because YOU will be the one leaving. Let him know you don't need him and you don't want someone who has the potential to cheat on you. Let him stew. Let him see what he might be losing. And see what he comes up with and take it from there.

Basically - the answer to the question of what do you do about their communication - no you don't censor it. You don't 'put your foot down'. You don't fall into the role of policeman for your relationship. You don't become that person.

You become the opposite. You let him see what life looks like with YOU potentially turning into 'the one that got away'. You show him that he isn't the prize at the centre of this. You become the strong one - the one HE has to persuade to give him another chance - not you being the one persuading and storming and weeping and demanding he stop contact. Instead - unless this is something more - the result will be that he cannot drop contact with this woman quickly enough and is left in no doubt as to where things will end up if he's ever stupid enough to contact her again.

RockinSushi · 08/09/2017 17:27

Great advice Fizzy.

cudeatahorse · 09/09/2017 18:44

How are you OP?
Did you have the talk?

LesleyGarrettsingsdontyouknow · 09/09/2017 20:57

Great post Fizzy.

hotsouple · 09/09/2017 21:16

Fizzy, can I hire you to life coach me? Slow Claps

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 11/09/2017 16:04

Wow thanks for that Fizzy! I should print it out and follow it.

I haven't been able to confront him this weekend as we've had his parents staying. We wouldn't be able to discuss this properly and they would know something was up. It's been a tough weekend. We all went for a walk yesterday and DH was glued to me - hand holding and hugging. I'd say he knows something but he's not usually that perceptive.

I plan to talk to him tonight but I've already been talking myself out of it. I know it has to be done though as it's totally unacceptable and it's going to eat away at me. I did look at his phone yesterday and it was a huge reality check. I can't monitor his phone for the rest of our lives, that's not a healthy at all. I have no idea how he's going to earn my trust back. He hasn't replied to her. Hopefully he has picked up the not interested vibe and that will end the communication. It doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/09/2017 16:16

The thing is that throughout all the time you've been together, while you were planning the wedding, getting married, getting used to married life together, he's been texting another woman with "What might have been."

Now think about if you had a child together and struggled - whether through tiredness, ill health, lack of money, whatever - if your husband hankers after a different life when things are going well, he's going to be even worse when things aren't going well.

I wouldn't have a baby with anyone who didn't think I was the one for him. That he'd won the prize. It's too difficult otherwise. It's heartbreaking and once the baby's there you end up with the "but he's great with the baby" argument that so many women struggle with.

He's as much as said he wishes he'd been with her rather than you. I think you're minimising this - it's easily done as it's so shocking.

RidingRossPoldark · 11/09/2017 16:20

You deserve some sort of medal for keeping it together this weekend. But you're right, you need to have this chat. Please don't sweep under the carpet. Its tempting not to rock the boat but if you go on to have kids, it will be a whole lot harder and you may find yourself trapped. Have a serious think about whether this is the right relationship for you, he certainly is...

Lovelylovelyllamas · 11/09/2017 16:40

Good luck OP. I've been in a similar situation. I didn't exactly follow the advice that Fizzy gave (wish I had), because I went absolutely ballistic and demanded he stopped contact. However, as time went on, and it became evident that he had decided he could message her and keep me, I gradually began to do the opposite until he realised that if things continued then he wasn't going to have me. We're many years down the line now and I'd say things are great. Obviously who really knows, but you can come back from this (if he reacts in the right way and if you want to). Seriously though, this shit hurts big time. Good luck.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 11/09/2017 16:58

MyBrilliantDisguise I know it does sound like I'm minimising. I've slept terribly since finding out though and I've thought about it non stop. It's so confusing - in one message he's telling her our honeymoon was amazing and in the next he's saying he has always had feelings for her.

Lovely thank you for sharing your experience. I think the way he reacts is key. I can't stop him contacting her but I would hope that the realisation that he could lose his marriage over it would prompt him to do so.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/09/2017 18:05

A honeymoon is basically a holiday, he was telling her a holiday was great. It means nothing. Well, not unless he was saying the 'honeymoon bit' of the holiday was great, which I doubt.

I know it seems like something you could talk about, get him to admit it wasn't on, promise not to do it again etc and that it seems a bit 'small' to get divorced over, but I think you will always feel second best & never like you can fully trust him/his depth of feeling for you. That will be hugely magnified if you have children. I know how hard it would be, but I don't think you'll ever be truly happy with him again after this & I think divorce really is your best option. He wants someone else, even if it ends up not being her, he doesn't want you above everyone else. I'm sorry that sounds so harsh, but you'll never be younger than you are now. 💐

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 18:10

I can't stop him contacting her but I would hope that the realisation that he could lose his marriage over it would prompt him to do so.^

You should say that to him.
Say
'''I can't stop you contacting her, but this could cause trouble between us, especially seeing as this is nor ordinary friendship and you have told her you have feelings for her.
Is her friendship worth more than our marriage?''

Jammydodger81 · 11/09/2017 18:55

Sorry cude but I think that's too soft.

I'd be more along the lines of 'I can't live my life wondering what you're saying to her, either it stops or we split up'

TBF though OP I wouldn't give him the chance, I wouldn't want to live my life looking over my shoulder.

FernCurl · 11/09/2017 21:43

"but I don't think you'll ever be truly happy with him again after this & I think divorce really is your best option. He wants someone else, even if it ends up not being her"

Wow. Some of you need to get a GRIP before you start blithely telling other people to just end their marriages. The reality is that lots of people get bored and succumb to vague "what if?" feelings in a relationship. This man only ever said that he had feelings for this woman in the past. He's not said anything to suggest he's unhappy with his wife, his marriage, etc. Let's get this in perspective.

OP I think it's fair enough to tell him you've read the texts and just talk through your feelings together. Hopefully it will give your partner a wake up call what it might actually mean to lose you and he will apologise massively and you can move on.

Please try not to get too swayed by the frankly insane pronouncements of some of the posters here.

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 21:59

Sorry cude but I think that's too soft.

I'd be more along the lines of 'I can't live my life wondering what you're saying to her, either it stops or we split up'

Even better.

Jammydodger81 · 11/09/2017 23:17

No Fern, he said he's always had feelings for her. That's current

Jammydodger81 · 11/09/2017 23:37

No Fern, he said he's always had feelings for her. That's current

FisforFamily · 12/09/2017 19:55

Hope you're ok op Wine

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 12/09/2017 20:56

So the short(ish) version is that they met on a weekend away around a year before we started dating. She lived at the opposite end of the country but they kept in contact by phone/text and he wanted to start a LDR. She said she wasn't interested, he met me and contact fizzled out. She randomly text him a few years ago asking how he was and the texts have continued in the manner described in my OP ever since. So my DH has declared his feelings to a woman he met once, 7 years ago. Their texts are mundane chit chat and not emotional support so I guess the attraction is physical? I'm very sure I have had the truth - it does tally with what I've read. I honestly didn't realised what a fool I had married.

Not sure whether this makes things better or worse....

OP posts:
ScatteredThoughts · 12/09/2017 21:25

Hi OP.
Something v v similar happened to me (including the snooping-while-running bit!). Also at a point when dp and me were considering the next big step (though was marriage not kids). And she was an ex, rather than a (relative) random.

I confronted him as you did. He was mortified and did recognise it was totally inappropriate. It was a tough time - it really hurt and i didn't trust him for quite a while. But he did what I asked to the letter in terms of changing the nature of their contact, and I could tell he really recognised that he'd overstepped a line.

We're happily married now, and I don't even check his phone anymore well like hardly ever Smile.

You'll know your DP best and will be able to tell if he's genuinely remorseful and can be counted on to do things differently going forward.

I also actually agree with the pp who said that a lot of people harbour a few "what ifs" about other people in the backwaters of their brain. I do myself. Cos that's just life. But the key thing, as the pp said, is to keep them firmly to yourself, and never ever articulate them to anyone else (especially the person in question!)

Hope things work out well for you. X

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 12/09/2017 21:33

ScatteredThoughts thanks for sharing your experience. He's very remorseful and knew after he'd said it that it was wrong. Knowing what I do I actually don't mind the contact but like your DH, he needs to change the nature.

I agree that a lot of people will always have some feelings for others - I think I'll always hold something for my "first love" and I know I have friend who do.

OP posts:
Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/09/2017 00:13

Not overreacting.

It's selfish and cruel. My DP did this, and it led to him telling other women similar later on, do confront him and maybe even find a good counsellor. This is serious you are married ffs. And the kisses etc. So hurtful. How can people be so mean.

purplemac I know you think it's fine but it's not. It's hurtful. Keeping anyone on the back burner is really immature.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/09/2017 00:17

scattered backwaters is a good expression, wistful but very distant is normal.

Back burner is not good however, keeping anything alive even in a small way is keeping doors of possibilities. Evenly slightly ajar is damaging.

SonicBoomBoom · 13/09/2017 00:40

I agree that a lot of people will always have some feelings for others - I think I'll always hold something for my "first love" and I know I have friend who do.

But he's tried to bring it into the present. Which is just beyond shitty when you're married, TTC and the woman is starting a new relationship. It's cruel to both you and her.

Jammydodger81 · 13/09/2017 07:16

Rapidly - would you text him and tell him so behind your husband's back?

I know it's so tempting to minimise and pretend it never happened to protect yourself and the status quo but he has kept a secret from you (the friend getting back in touch) and behaved inappropriately whilst doing so. From your second post it sounds like he'll keep on talking to her as you don't mind the contact, and you're going to trust him not to try and get her to have an affair again.

You will end up checking his phone again, he'll only have said something borderline inappropriate this time, you'll get upset, he'll say it's nothing and so it will continue. Trust me, I've been there with a cheater husband. Best thing I ever did getting rid. Made me out to be a paranoid woman. Never even feel the need to check dp's phone/ Facebook once.