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Original poster

Dh texting another woman

106 replies

Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 03:31

I inadvertently read a text on DHs phone last night. I've never been through his phone before but it seems that for years he has been texting another woman on and off. I read the whole discussion (dh was out running). One will initiate a conversation and they'll exchange a very long message or two and then it'll pick up again a few months later. He regularly compliments her appearance, always adds numerous kisses and most recently, in response to her saying she's seeing someone, he's admitted he always had some feelings for her. The reply he received today was her saying she had thought about it before too and he should have said something before he got married. I'm heartbroken. It seems she is currently working abroad and prior to that lived at the other end of the country. I have no idea how they met but they knew each other before we got together. I'm 100% sure they haven't actually seen each other in years.

What do I do? Part of me wants to confront him but I don't want him to know I've looked at his phone. I don't doubt that he wants to be with me - we've made so many plans for the future and we've recently started TTC. He's been fully committed to all of this but now I feel second best. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 13:36

cudeatahorse my stalking has been very comprehensive. He sometimes travels with work but always abroad and not to the country she lives in. It's clear from the texts that they haven't met up at all over the years but it may be that they initially met before we were together. At one point she was living in London and we live on the outskirts. I think if they were to meet then they would have then but they clearly didn't. They are friends on fb but I can't see any interaction - happy birthday etc. To be honest if I read the messages as someone unrelated I would say she wasn't interested and just a bit of a whore attention seeker. That's obviously not the point though.

Purplemac that's interesting to hear from your point of view. Bring open is what makes it acceptable - you're not hiding anything.

I'm dreading the conversation but this weekend is going to be awful. I don't work on Fridays so said I'd get the spare room ready and get all the food in. I feel like a total mug now seeing as it's his parents.

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 08/09/2017 13:45

Actually OP I think you can demand that he stops communicating with him. He's admitted to her that he's always had feelings for her, fgs!

I would be fuming and would feel so incredibly hurt.

I know you're worried about admitting you went through his phone, but what he's done is far worse than you snooping. Don't let him make you feel guilty for it.

Confront him.
He's told another woman he's always felt something for her. Perhaps he had no intentions by telling her, but come on, why else would you admit that to somebody?

He's probably gunna minimise, make out he's not done anything wrong. But married people don't go round telling other people they've got feelings for them

category12 · 08/09/2017 13:51

"To be honest if I read the messages as someone unrelated I would say she wasn't interested and just a bit of a whore attention seeker."

Bit misdirected whore thing there - she shot him down. You're right that she's not interested. Sadly he is.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 13:52

He's told another woman he's always felt something for her.

That's far worse than snooping through someone's phone.

When you have the conversation with him, he will try to make you feel bad about the fact you snooped.
Make sure you point out that telling another woman he's always felt something for her is far worse than your snooping.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 13:58

Ok so you are referring to her as a whore?

I'm out.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 13:59

jeaux90 if they don't stop communication then am I going to have to sensor every message he sends her in future?! I would have absolutely no problem with him talking to her about holidays, cars, work etc but he's shown that he can't do that so I can't trust him.

whisper of a memory of a desire could be quite accurate. I now feel I know this woman quite well and I genuinely don't think they'd have a lot in common. She is a dancer and fairly pretty so maybe that's the attraction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 14:01

jeaux90 category12 no I don't think she's a whore. I'm just annoyed with her too so in my head I'm calling her names. She isn't an entirely innocent party, although he is more in the wrong.

OP posts:
Purplemac · 08/09/2017 14:06

She is innocent though. She hasn't done anything wrong, she hasn't betrayed anyone's trust, she's just communicating with someone she knows from a long time ago. I know you will have a lot of anger at her, but it's misplaced. Your DH has massively let you down. She hasn't.

Cricrichan · 08/09/2017 14:09

She's right - he should have told her before he got married. It's also a shit thing to tell her now that she's seeing someone. I think it's more of an ego boost/fantasy for him rather than anything real.

I'd be very annoyed, both as his wife and as his friend. Not a nice way to treat you two.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 14:28

Thanks guys for pointing out that she isn't actually doing anything wrong. The compliments and feelings have all been on his side (which is why I don't think she's interested) so you are totally right - I'm being irrational. It's probably best that I can't discuss it with dh for a few days and I can get over the initial shock and calm my thoughts. We're usually good at having discussions not arguments but this is a lot bigger than him not putting his laundry in the basket.

Funnily enough I did wonder if the guy she is seeing is married - she said say that it's complicated and she doesn't want to go into it or he'll judge her.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 08/09/2017 14:39

Op I am so sorry that you have found out that your dh has basically lived a lie with you. How awful Sad

Please take all of the time you need to sort out what you want to do, he has betrayed your love by his actions.

Do not let him bull shit and lie any more, he will try to minimise, tell him that he has to come clean, no covering up no manipulating.

Lying by ommission is a manipulation, it stops you from making an informed decision.

How would he feel if you were having an emotional affair with an old flame?

What ever the outcome I wish you luck.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 14:49

no I don't think she's a whore. I'm just annoyed with her

You are allowed to be angry.
I don't subscribe to the it's all the man's fault
Yes, he's the one that took the vows, blah, blah, blah, but very often the OW knows exactly what she's doing.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 14:50

Meant to say, I would mainly be angry at him, but it's human nature to be angry with her as well.

Even if you probably shouldn't call her a whore nothing stopping you thinking it though

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 14:52

Funnily enough I did wonder if the guy she is seeing is married - she said say that it's complicated

So she has a 'hidden' friendship with one married man, and is more than likely seeing another married man behind his wife's back.
She sounds like a really nice person. Hmm

oldlaundbooth · 08/09/2017 14:57

Whore?

Yes, because he's totally innocent.

Get real op.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 14:58

cudeatahorse thanks - no more name calling. I must be grown up about this.

I do admit I'm surprised that some comments are suggesting that I leave him. That's not my intention at all. Until yesterday I would have had zero doubts about his love and commitment to me. I have always thought we were a great team and we spend lots of quality time together. This is why it's thrown me so much. I guess I should be prepared for him to admit feelings and to leave me though.

OP posts:
cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 14:59

OP's already said she thought it in the heat of the moment and wishes she hadn't said it.

Moving on.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:00

oldlaundbooth I've apologised for my misjudged comment. Never said anything in the heat of the moment?

OP posts:
cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:01

He regularly compliments her appearance, always adds numerous kisses

How does he know about her appearance?
Is she sending pics of herself?
Do they communicate on FB as well?

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:03

So she has a 'hidden' friendship with one married man, and is more than likely seeing another married man behind his wife's back.
She sounds like a really nice person. hmm

FGS, how the hell do you come to that conclusion?

He's chasing her, he's declaring his feelings, what has she actually done wrong?

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:04

I don't think it's Category LTB.

This sounds more like a flirtation that's gone on for way too long and has potential to turn into something else if left to continue.

You definitely need A Talk, otherwise it will eat you up.

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:05

OP, you can still be a good team, even have a great relationship, some men will still go fishing and take it one step further, they see it as an opportunity and have no guilt about being disloyal; he's already proving that to you.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:05

Adora

Funnily enough I did wonder if the guy she is seeing is married - she said say that it's complicated and she doesn't want to go into it or he'll judge her

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:07

Cude, nope, still doesn't mean she is seeing a married man, complicated could mean numerous things, rebound, children involved, someone she knew before....I could go on and on, but yet, she's already a whore being inappropriate now with two married men, it's actually laughable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2017 15:09

rapidly

re your comment:-
"I do admit I'm surprised that some comments are suggesting that I leave him. That's not my intention at all"

What is your intention going forward?. He has after all admitted feelings for someone else and this someone he has been communicating with for years too. How do you both come back from that?

This all started as well because you inadvertently read a text on his phone. That to my mind is not snooping but something made you look at this phone.

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