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Original poster

Dh texting another woman

106 replies

Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 03:31

I inadvertently read a text on DHs phone last night. I've never been through his phone before but it seems that for years he has been texting another woman on and off. I read the whole discussion (dh was out running). One will initiate a conversation and they'll exchange a very long message or two and then it'll pick up again a few months later. He regularly compliments her appearance, always adds numerous kisses and most recently, in response to her saying she's seeing someone, he's admitted he always had some feelings for her. The reply he received today was her saying she had thought about it before too and he should have said something before he got married. I'm heartbroken. It seems she is currently working abroad and prior to that lived at the other end of the country. I have no idea how they met but they knew each other before we got together. I'm 100% sure they haven't actually seen each other in years.

What do I do? Part of me wants to confront him but I don't want him to know I've looked at his phone. I don't doubt that he wants to be with me - we've made so many plans for the future and we've recently started TTC. He's been fully committed to all of this but now I feel second best. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:10

cudeatahorse they're fb friends. She's only ever sent photos of her car! If she's reading this then she's going to know it's her too....

Adora I get it, I have judgy pants. Good other suggestions for why he may judge her for her relationship.

OP posts:
cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:10

I hope you're right.
We don't know the woman so possibly shouldn't pass judgement.

cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:11

Rapidly, you said in the original OP, that he is always complimenting her on her looks.
How is he able to do that, if she only sends photos of her car? Confused

PolkaDotty7 · 08/09/2017 15:12

So she's a pretty dancer, he fancies her and put the feelers out to see if she would start a relationship with him, but she rejected him? So what she breaks up with the guy she's seeing? Your husband has now told her he is willing. There's nothing to stop them meeting up in the future. I bet if she splits up with her boyfriend your husband will be there to "comfort" her.

Do NOT have a baby with this man, or at least use contraception and stop TTC. You are in too insecure a position to bring a baby into this situation. It's very messy.

I'd be confronting him and telling him to cut off contact completely with her.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/09/2017 15:12

I'd cancel his parents coming to you & tell them he will be visiting them.

I would end my marriage to him because you have said it yourself - you cannot trust him.

Life with small children is hard work, it's best done with someone who has got your back, not who goes behind your back.

You'd be a fool to have children with him.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:14

AttilaTheMeerkat I was cooking and it was on the kitchen worktop. It beeped and I glanced at it. I actually then carried on before thinking "who is xyz?". I did then read the preview of the message and end up reading the lot. I know the code to his phone, it's not unusual for him to ask me to look at something on it whilst he's driving etc. He's not secretive about his phone at all and it's always lying around.

My intention is to discuss why this is wrong and that he needs to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:16

cudeatahorse they're fb friends and he's referenced things she's posted on there. Also the texts are on whatsapp and he's complimented her on her profile picture.

To clarify - we will not be TTC anymore until this is resolved.

OP posts:
cudeatahorse · 08/09/2017 15:17

That's good that he doesn't hide his phone.
Bad that he doesn't realize how inappropriate his relationship with this woman is.
Which once you discuss, will hopefully set a couple of new boundaries in your marriage.

There's hope.

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:17

My last post was not in reply to you OP, I just think you need to have your eyes and ears on alert now and most men who are indulging in inappropriate messaging can easily delete the whole conversation.

RockinSushi · 08/09/2017 15:22

Pfft. I'd go nuclear. In fact I may well ltb.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:25

Adora10 the conversation flowed - she would ask a question and then it would answered in his next answer. I don't think anything has been deleted. I'm not totally naive, there could be communications in other forms but the evidence suggests what I've seen is the extent of it.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:29

With all due respect OP, you've just found out your husband has been messaging a woman for years, I'd not be so quick to believe you've read it all.

How is he able to compliment her if he doesn't know what she looks like?

strongasmeringue · 08/09/2017 15:32

I've only read the OP and my gut feeling is to block her number.

I've no idea other than that. I've been in the position of an ex messaging me without his wife knowing and also dh having an affair.

It's shit.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:36

Adora see above. They're fb friends.

strongasmeringue I'm so sorry you've been through that. I never thought I'd be in this position but I doubt anyone does. If I block her no he'll know and we still need to talk about it anyway.

In laws will be here at 5pm then I have at least an hour on my own with them before he gets home from work

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/09/2017 15:41

I do admit I'm surprised that some comments are suggesting that I leave him.

It's one of those divisive things. For me, it'd be over. I wouldn't want to feel that he settled for me, and I wouldn't want to feel that I couldn't trust my husband and had to either ban him from talking to people or monitor their communications. The love would suffocate under the weight of all that.

For others, it may be something they can forget/ignore/eventually move on

You have to decide where your boundaries are and what you'd be happy with. Although I can appreciate that you'd be happiest if this had never happened!

I hope the weekend isn't too rough Flowers

CardinalCat · 08/09/2017 15:48

It's inappropriate an disrespectful and if she had been up for it, this would 100% count as an EA (possibly more if not for the distance.)
In terms of what to do, the way he reacts to you confronting him with your discovery will say everything.

I couldn't stay married to somebody who wasn't irrevocably remorseful about this breach of trust. If he is not devastated at having been so fucking stupid, and if he tries any of the 'what were you doing snooping' nonsense, then he'd be out on his ear if he was my dh.

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 15:52

Good luck OP, I don't think it's a LTB, but he's definitely stepped out the marriage boundary when it comes to respect and how a married man or in fact anyone in a LTR should behave, it's about having respect for your partner and yourself really, not sure what I would think of a so called friend that was hitting on me when married, probably not a lot tbh.

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:53

Oh CardinalCat I 100% agree that if he doesn't react appropriate when I speak to him about this then it may be time to end it. Someone suggested taking screen shots of the messages in case he denies it. To me there is no point. I know what I've read and he knows he's sent them. If he deletes and denies then it's a huge waving red flag and that will be the end of the relationship.

AnchorDeepDownBreath totally right that it's a divisive thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 15:55

Adora10 one of my friends actually received a similar text from an ex just before he got married. We told her not to reply and to block him which she did. I wouldn't want to keep talking to someone like that either.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/09/2017 16:09

OP, hopefully he's just got a bit carried away, that's the problem with these so called friends of the same sex, it nearly always involves one if not both having or developing feelings for each other; especially if they are talking about their feelings etc.

You sound switched on and yes if he is not actually on the floor begging you for forgiveness, I'd walk too.

HolaWeenie · 08/09/2017 16:09

It's not on, I'm sure he wouldn't think it appropriate if it was the other way around. Sorry that you're having to go through this, and not at all helpful with his DPs coming!

Adora10 · 08/09/2017 16:09

Sorry not friends same sex, you know what I mean!

Original poster
Rapidlygoingdownhill · 08/09/2017 16:26

Thanks everyone for your input! I have half an hour until the in laws arrive so I might actually have a glass of wine! I have a plan of how to approach the conversation so hopefully I can stay calm until Monday.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 08/09/2017 16:45

Sending you mucho strength Op, hope all goes as well as can be expected (((hugs)))

CardinalCat · 08/09/2017 16:49

Good luck lovely x