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Is this just one of those things? Am I being unfair and / or unrealistic?

88 replies

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:09

Recently went on hols with my (for want of a better word - been together several years but don't living together) boyfriend, and my young adult DC. We've done short breaks in UK but this is the first time we've been abroad either together or separately, since we've been together.

It's been a stressful year. We have really busy, demanding jobs, lots of other stressor too, health and personal. I've spent the last few months feeling at the end of my tether.

So decided we deserved a holiday. I arranged, booked and paid for it. Went to a pretty standard AI place in the Med. My goals were short flight ( we're nervous fliers), cheapish, AI...the place I found fitted bill perfectly.

My intention was to basically spend the week lounging round the pool, reading, relaxing and de-stressing. My DC were also happy to do similar. When I told boyfriend about it he seemed on board, said he'd be happy to swim, have a few drinks etc.

However in the event he basically didn't enjoy it. It was too hot for him (around 28-30) most days. He did sit outside with us but mainly in shade (fair enough), the pool was too cold, there was too much food, he drank one day but not really after that (he's not a big drinker anyway) as it made him feel shit. He feels we wasted our week away and should have gone out for a day or 2. But really we only got 6 days (as on arrival day everyone slept mainly, as we had a very early flight) we did go out one day into the local area, but there wasn't much there tbh (we could have gone to the nearest big town which was about 5km away but neither me or DC were that bothered).

Overall I had a good holiday, as did DC, and having got through the flights fine, I was feeling confident and thinking I should do another holiday next year. To which he said he wouldn't come away with me again as he refused to sit round a pool all week and I should have compromised and done something else for 2 days. Even though I had said before we went that I didn't want to do much at all.

I didn't want to think about or organise anything. My life is constantly organising things, my to do list is massive and constant. For once it was nice not to have to do anything. If we'd gone anywhere it would have been for me to plan and arrange and I really couldn't be bothered.

I feel a bit unhappy with this. It's taken the shine off my hols, and made me think about the future. Not in a I want to split up way, but more a how is this going to work if we can't agree how we spend holidays?

Or am I being completely unfair and should I just have agreed?

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 07/09/2017 22:10

6 days by the pool? I don't blame him.

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/09/2017 22:13

Well did he speak up whilst you were on holiday and say "I want to do this today" or did he not communicate then just complain about it afterwards?

People like different things on holiday, I'm a stay at the pool kind of person where as DH is a let's have a day out kind of person, so we do a few excursions to compromise. It's his fault if he didn't speak up.

I'd just go alone in future if that's his attitude.

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2017 22:19

Eh, so you both learned something.

Let him organise "doing" breaks for the two of you, and you go on AI chillout breaks with the DC. Win-win. Surely one of the benefits of a relationship with a new partner is not having to do things that please everyone- you can retain some independence & just pick the best bits.

If he's whinging to make you feel bad & agree to doing it all his way that's different, though, and I'd be annoyed about that.

coolaschmoola · 07/09/2017 22:20

So the holiday was just about you and what you wanted? You were completely unfair - I'm amazed you don't think so!

He was happy to do what you wanted for four out of six days, but you didn't want to compromise for him for two of them? How selfish.

I wouldn't be going away with you again either. In fact such a blatant display of 'I don't care about what you want' would have me running for the hills.

The poor chap had an utterly shit time, but hey - at least you got to do what YOU wanted! Hmm

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:20

He said he'd like to do something about 4 days in. But he didn't say what, or make any attempt to organise anything. I said I was happy to stay at the hotel but if he wanted to do something he could.

I had to sleep in the cold (woke up freezing every night, at home I sleep under a 13tog duvet even in summer) because he needed the air-con on all night and there was only a sheet on the bed, so I feel it's not like I always get my own way or refuse to compromise.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/09/2017 22:22

Do you think the dynamic of 3 against 1 was a bit hard for him too, and he wanted some 1-2-1 time with you?

I feel your pain on the air con. Brrr.

Windytwigs · 07/09/2017 22:23

I can see your point in wanting to relax for a week, but 6 days in the hot sun with nothing to do would drive me insane. I think it's fair to compromise more on activities if he's also contributing to the cost. If you pay for it all it's up to him whether he wants to join you, or go off on excursions himself a few times.

thestamp · 07/09/2017 22:24

Yanbu op. He needed to speak up earlier and then organize what he wanted to do.

He's not a child, you're not his mum. He has agency and the ability to communicate. It's not brain surgery

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:25

Realistically I probably have only another year or two of hols with the DC before they're too old to go with their mum. I'm not sure where that leaves me. I don't have close friends I could go on holiday with.

I booked and paid for the holiday. I did say what it would be, and what I wanted to do before we went. I don't remember him saying anything other than that he'd be happy spending most of his time in the pool.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 07/09/2017 22:25

I think if he wanted to do something you should have made an effort to go with him. It must have been tedious for him to be sat around all day every day if he wanted to get out and about. Would have bored me to tears

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:28

I appreciate lying by the pool is boring for some.

For me, I like the heat within reason, and enjoy the downtime to relax my brain and catch up on reading, I read 5 books while we were away.

OP posts:
mummarichardson · 07/09/2017 22:29

I am with you because for me an ideal holiday is laying round a pool, reading, eating and drinking.
I am luck DH feels the same although holidays are no longer the same since we had DS Grin.
Think you just learnt a lesson that you aren't compatible holiday partners. You either go for 2 weeks and Spend half doing what he wants and half doing what you want or you just do things seperately.

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:33

We weren't in an area where there are many obvious things to do, no historical places to visit, areas of beauty etc. Plus it was too hot for him outside so I'm not sure any of those would have been successful. We could have gone to the nearby town, wandered about in the heat, but I'm not sure what that would have achieved and whether that would have been what he actually wanted to do. The travel co offered a couple of local excursions (waterpark, quad biking etc) but I don't see how that would have been better, and I didn't want to spend more money.

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 07/09/2017 22:34

So did he expect you to 'find him' something to do? Are you actually his mother?

I totally geddit, OP, for 51 out of 52 weeks per year I am organising stuff and keeping the cogs turning. Nothing wrong with you taking a break. If he expected you to find him something interesting to do then he is a twat.

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:36

I did suggest maybe next time we go for 10 days and do 2-3 days of activities. He felt 10 days would be too long. But we probably won't go on holiday again at this rate so I guess it's a moot point.

I feel a bit sick of being told I won't compromise. When I put up with the air-con even though it made me physically uncomfortable.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 22:36

Just holiday separately in the future.

thereallochnessmonster · 07/09/2017 22:40

You paid for the holiday, he agreed with it beforehand (and should have known how warm it would be -30 is not unreasonable)

He wanted to go out but it was too hot for him? So if he had found somewhere to go, it would have been too hot for him to walk around? He didn't suggest anywhere to go?

He sounds annoying and spoiled. You're not his mum. He should have researched where he wanted to go and made his own decision. Not left it to you to organise. Go by yourself .- or with your DC - next year!

Ellisandra · 07/09/2017 22:42

Why on earth didn't you just ask the hotel for a blanket / duvet so you could be warm whilst the air con was on for him?

Why did you pay? I don't think the person paying should get total control of the holiday, but it seems a bit odd that you paid for it all!

I'd have been bored to tears beside a pool for 6 days. But then, I'd have planned what I wanted to do and gone alone. But it is nicer with company.

I think a fair compromise is you go out with him a couple of times - but he does all the planning of it.

Was he being pathetic and lazy not deciding where to go himself, or was it more the kind of dithering from not being sure what to suggest to persuade you? The former would put me right off him, but I'd understand the latter.

I think he should have stepped up organising things, and you should have been more willing to compromise.

What are you like as a couple back at home - similar issues? My XH wasn't a good fit for me. With my current boyfriend I really notice it every time when we want the same thing... and it's lovely.

LineysRun · 07/09/2017 22:46

Your hotel really only gave you a sheet to sleep under?

In the Mediterranean, you managed to to find the one piece of the prehistoric-Graeco-Roman-mediaeval palimpsest with neither history nor landscape? Ok...

Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:49

The hotel didn't have any bedding other than sheets. Which is fine for him but not me. I imagine no one else has the issue as with the air-con off the room would have been a pleasant temp.

He said he wanted to do something. We went to the local area around hotel. He didn't say what else he wanted to do, or make any actual suggestions beyond wanting to get out of the hotel. Possibly that was down to me, because I wasn't receptive or whatever.

At home we normally get on pretty ok I think, but he will sometimes complain we don't do anything but at the same time not suggest stuff. So I have to say let's go to the cinema/ for a meal - he always agrees my suggestion.

OP posts:
Holidaydisappointment · 07/09/2017 22:51

We were in southern Spain, typical big tourist resort. Not much culture or sightseeing to be had in the immediate area.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 07/09/2017 22:52

Just re-read your OP, and you said you would have had to do the planning and organising for a trip out/ activity.

Is that really true?

This may sound dramatic, but with the benefit of hindsight and a failed marriage, that really is LTB territory for me. I spent years thinking well, I like organising, I'm good at it, at least this way I get what I want... etc. As I said above, with current boyfriend I am rolling my eyes at myself and thinking why did I ever put up with dull, lazy, opinionless, unmotivated morons before?!

Just before I met this guy, I took a date to Paris for a weekend. Because he said it was the European city he most wanted to go to and has never seen. He worked 4 days in a job where he spent half the day on the internet doing nothing (honestly). I had a punishing schedule of 5 day work and travel and also have a child. I organised the weekend. Turned to him on the plane and said "so what do you want to see?" And he just looked blank and said "well as you've been before I thought you could decide".

I say, ditch this one. Not because he likes to do stuff and you want to sit by the pool. But because he wants to do stuff but can't be bothered.

I know I'm suggesting strong action... but you've really triggered me!! Grin

LineysRun · 07/09/2017 22:52

The hotel didn't have any bedding other than sheets

Did you ask this weirdly under-textiled hotel for some additional bedding?

OliviaStabler · 07/09/2017 22:55

Next time choose a cruise. Loads of different activities, so you can do as much or as little as you each want.

Ellisandra · 07/09/2017 22:57

I don't believe that the hotel didn't have a blanket for you! Even The Canaries, further south than you were, are not hot hot all year round.

As he was so keen on a trip out, why on earth didn't you send him into town for a blanket?

I don't believe you'd choose to stay cold every night instead of just sorting that out!

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