Is this just one of those things? Am I being unfair and / or unrealistic?

[Holidaydisappointment]

Recently went on hols with my (for want of a better word - been together several years but don't living together) boyfriend, and my young adult DC. We've done short breaks in UK but this is the first time we've been abroad either together or separately, since we've been together.

It's been a stressful year. We have really busy, demanding jobs, lots of other stressor too, health and personal. I've spent the last few months feeling at the end of my tether.

So decided we deserved a holiday. I arranged, booked and paid for it. Went to a pretty standard AI place in the Med. My goals were short flight ( we're nervous fliers), cheapish, AI...the place I found fitted bill perfectly.

My intention was to basically spend the week lounging round the pool, reading, relaxing and de-stressing. My DC were also happy to do similar. When I told boyfriend about it he seemed on board, said he'd be happy to swim, have a few drinks etc.

However in the event he basically didn't enjoy it. It was too hot for him (around 28-30) most days. He did sit outside with us but mainly in shade (fair enough), the pool was too cold, there was too much food, he drank one day but not really after that (he's not a big drinker anyway) as it made him feel shit. He feels we wasted our week away and should have gone out for a day or 2. But really we only got 6 days (as on arrival day everyone slept mainly, as we had a very early flight) we did go out one day into the local area, but there wasn't much there tbh (we could have gone to the nearest big town which was about 5km away but neither me or DC were that bothered).

Overall I had a good holiday, as did DC, and having got through the flights fine, I was feeling confident and thinking I should do another holiday next year. To which he said he wouldn't come away with me again as he refused to sit round a pool all week and I should have compromised and done something else for 2 days. Even though I had said before we went that I didn't want to do much at all.

I didn't want to think about or organise anything. My life is constantly organising things, my to do list is massive and constant. For once it was nice not to have to do anything. If we'd gone anywhere it would have been for me to plan and arrange and I really couldn't be bothered.

I feel a bit unhappy with this. It's taken the shine off my hols, and made me think about the future. Not in a I want to split up way, but more a how is this going to work if we can't agree how we spend holidays?

Or am I being completely unfair and should I just have agreed?

I think you are being very cold ( not because of air conditioning) about his needs. Ye havent been together on holidays before so he wasnt going to have a clear idea of what you had in mind. My dh and l say oh we will just chill beside the pool but after a few days we begin to want to move around a bit. I hate all in as not going out at night to eat. He must have been so bored and it sounds like you have no sympathy for him.

Ynbu. He knew what he was getting into before you went. Shame on him for taking the shine off for everyone else.

I love fly and flop holidays but my dp sounds very like your boyfriend. The first holiday we had together we were upgraded to a huge apartment with balconies overlooking the olive grove on one side and the pool on the other. I was thrilled. He plonked down on the bed and groaned he wished he was at home. I felt so deflated. I too have suffered by freezing a/c in the past. The heat seems to make him anxious and if it's not colder than home he won't settle. Ironic that I would be warmer at home. I've had to put a beach towel over me to try and keep warm

Nowadays We compromise by me having a week away to completely zone out on a sunbed with my daughters or a friend and dp and I have an "action" holiday together during the cooler months. It works for both of us.

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If he wanted to do something he should have planned it and booked it. I agree with you - I work so hard that sleeping by the pool is my idea of a perfect holiday. Completely switching off.

I'm with Ellisandra.

You aren't his mum. If he wanted to do something it was up to him to suggest something. You could either say yes or no. It ain't rocket science.

If it's always up to you to organise stuff well then it doesn't sound like my kinda relationship. And if he is now complaining that you didn't it's a big red flag.

Just sounds like your holiday needs are incompatible. Going forward perhaps you and kids or you and a friend, or even alone, should have a hot pool week and then you and him have another week somewhere more interesting.

But he didn't organise anything?!! Then he does whatever you want. Every day. You are not his mum.

I couldn't have afforded a cruise, my budget was only £1800. I thought what I booked was the best option.

To be fair to him I don't always have to organise everything. I do often suggest stuff - so I'll say cinema. He'll book the tickets and stuff, book a table for dinner. He won't leave that to me.

I feel sad that we're not compatible re holidays. It makes me worry were less compatible than I thought full stop. The goal is meant to be living together at some point in future but is that going to work?

I don't have close friends so once DC are too old to come with me not sure who I'll go on hols with.

YANBU at all.
If someone paid for me to go on any sort of holiday, I would accept with good grace. He knew what he was agreeing to beforehand. He is an adult, so next time he can organise AND pay for HIS ideal holiday.

I am with you on the air-con too. It freezes me as well. Honestly, YANBU
and reading five books would be a massive result. Now come over to the 50 book challenge thread to tell us about them.

In the future you can just choose your holidays together more mindfully - now you know he's not a pool & sun lounger type you compromise by picking a nice hotel in an area that's got easily accessible stuff to do.

Perhaps you go to e.g. Surges and take the train into Barcelona a few days, or base near Dubrovnik in one of the big hotels there.

There's a big difference between doing only pool-based AI in a hotel near nothing else, or having a relaxed time somewhere hot & interesting with a bit of both.

If you want holidays together you'll need to compromise (both of you).

If you really want total relaxing pool breaks you'll have to go alone.

Given his issues with the heat I don't think anywhere in the Med is actually going to be acceptable to him. Even if there's stuff to do, it's going to be the same temperature...

Looks like I'll be spending all future holidays on my own. Not what I wanted really.

Well there are 3 choices really, aren't there?

• find someone else who has the same holiday tastes as you
• compromise
• holiday separately

Most people pick the second option.

But why did you pay for him? What's that about?

I like doing stuff city breaks, my ex husband liked those too but due to his job needed a flopping by the beach holiday too so we used to do both, if you go last minute etc it's possible to afford both. A cruise is a good shout also. Compromises are available if you both try.

Could do a winter sun holiday. Somewhere warm enough to lounge around but not too hot, and somewhere where there is something to see/do. My dh works hard and wants to just chill, I'm at home all day so want to explore. Sometimes he'll come - sometimes I go off on my own - sometimes I'll join him just relaxing. You're not joined at the hip on holiday.

A pool holiday in Spain in the height of summer would be hell for someone who doesn't like the heat. Surely he is old enough to know that he wouldn't enjoy it but he agreed to go along and let you pay for it.

Reminds me of exh who also didn't like the heat but actually was miserable about everything when I look back and I always did the organising/booking or it didn't happen.

A whole week in a hotel and no excursions sounds boring as hell. Not surprised he had a shit time. Maybe he didnt realise quite how bored he would be.
A day doing nothing is great. A couple of days I could possibly cope with. More than that and id be going stir crazy.
At least you now know that you have completely different ideas about what constitutes a good holiday, so dont have to do it again.

I don't think you are U (and I'm someone who likes to get out and explore on holiday!)

You paid. Very generous. He accepted and told you he was happy with that sort of holiday.

Fair enough if he decided he was getting cabin fever and wanted to go out but it was for him to decide and plan. It would have been nice if you could have compromised by joining him (once he'd organised it) but it wouldn't have been the end of the world to go on his own. I have been on holiday day trips on my own when my H didn't feel like it or was poorly.

I find it really annoying when people mope and moan and sit around with a face like a slapped arse and expect someone else to entertain them!

I think YANBU too.

It was essentially your family holiday. You booked and paid for it. You were clear with him about what kind of holiday it was going to be and he said he wanted to go.

Then he grumped about it and made it tense but didn't actually do anything about organising what he wanted to do, he's actually annoyed because you didn't set the holiday around his expectations.

If he wants a holiday he likes he can organise things and give you the choice about whether you come or not, as you did with him.

I get the feeling it's not really that you didn't want to actually do anything but that you didn't want the work of organising anything so if he had been bothered to actually do that work you would have happily tripped along on a few days out with him.

I don't like just sitting by the pool but I don't think YABU. You told him the sort of holiday it was, he could have said could be hi somewhere like Croatia if he wanted a more sight seeing, but he didn't. Or contribute and then you could have afforded something like a cruise. Then when you were there he could have done some research, suggested something to do and planned it, if he'd actually been that bothered. He sounds boring and moany to me. At the very least you might have to expand your friendships and see if anyone wants a weekend away with you. And you might be surprised how long your DCs continue to want to go on holiday with you- sounds like you all enjoy the same thing and get on well.

I couldn't go on holiday and sit round the pool in the heat. That's not my idea of a good holiday.

But then I wouldn't let somebody else pay for the whole holiday, go along and then complain.

I can see it from both sides

If you want to go on holiday together next year you need to start discussing it asap, talk to each other about what you BOTH want from a holiday, what you BOTH want to do whilst you're away

I would have felt the same as him, tbh.

That temperature is too hot for me. I would want to go out for the day; lying around the pool is boring.

But he should have said something sooner.

The only thing I would say is that I find the heat above 23 degrees so uncomfortable that I find it physically very difficult to do anything.

In the summer, when it hits 28+ here I don't leave the house. I stay in with the curtains closed. But then, I would never agree to go on a holiday in the med, so he should have known it would be too warm for him really.

Compromise is surely the key the here?

He needs to be more proactive & I think you need to be a bit more flexible.

6 days by a pool & 5 books sounds like bliss to me, you're not alone!

So go when it's not so hot! Go to the Med in May/June. Or September.

Compromise is possible!

Sometimes it easier for one person to compromise than the other. Like your cold bedroom thing. Someone who is too hot can't easily cool down. But if you're too cold, you can easily grab a blanket.

He sounds like a total wet fish, he would be for me.

But you don't seem particularly willing to compromise earlier. The cold room thing sounded all a bit martyred to me - I don't believe you couldn't just get a blanket.

Why were you paying, too?

How old is he op?