Is this just one of those things? Am I being unfair and / or unrealistic?

[Holidaydisappointment]

Recently went on hols with my (for want of a better word - been together several years but don't living together) boyfriend, and my young adult DC. We've done short breaks in UK but this is the first time we've been abroad either together or separately, since we've been together.

It's been a stressful year. We have really busy, demanding jobs, lots of other stressor too, health and personal. I've spent the last few months feeling at the end of my tether.

So decided we deserved a holiday. I arranged, booked and paid for it. Went to a pretty standard AI place in the Med. My goals were short flight ( we're nervous fliers), cheapish, AI...the place I found fitted bill perfectly.

My intention was to basically spend the week lounging round the pool, reading, relaxing and de-stressing. My DC were also happy to do similar. When I told boyfriend about it he seemed on board, said he'd be happy to swim, have a few drinks etc.

However in the event he basically didn't enjoy it. It was too hot for him (around 28-30) most days. He did sit outside with us but mainly in shade (fair enough), the pool was too cold, there was too much food, he drank one day but not really after that (he's not a big drinker anyway) as it made him feel shit. He feels we wasted our week away and should have gone out for a day or 2. But really we only got 6 days (as on arrival day everyone slept mainly, as we had a very early flight) we did go out one day into the local area, but there wasn't much there tbh (we could have gone to the nearest big town which was about 5km away but neither me or DC were that bothered).

Overall I had a good holiday, as did DC, and having got through the flights fine, I was feeling confident and thinking I should do another holiday next year. To which he said he wouldn't come away with me again as he refused to sit round a pool all week and I should have compromised and done something else for 2 days. Even though I had said before we went that I didn't want to do much at all.

I didn't want to think about or organise anything. My life is constantly organising things, my to do list is massive and constant. For once it was nice not to have to do anything. If we'd gone anywhere it would have been for me to plan and arrange and I really couldn't be bothered.

I feel a bit unhappy with this. It's taken the shine off my hols, and made me think about the future. Not in a I want to split up way, but more a how is this going to work if we can't agree how we spend holidays?

Or am I being completely unfair and should I just have agreed?

*wouldnt be for me!

Is going on more holidays a big part of what you imagined this part of your life would be like, I wonder, so now you are upset that this is not going to work out with him, and it's making you question the whole relationship?

Whether other people like to just sit by the pool or not is irrelevant. You do.

My DH likes to do that, and doesn't really want to do sightseeing all that much. I love exploring cities, and seeing the sights and visiting galleries and museums. So we do a bit of both. But if I want to go somewhere, I arrange to do it. (He will come along, but I do the research.) He also likes to go cycling, and he arranges that for himself. As my DC have got older, we have made sure we take their preferences into account, as well.

Next time, you will know a bit more about what you each like to do, and you can discuss it before you go. If he wants to arrange some trips, get him to research the area, and sort out travel, though. Make sure he knows this is his job.

(I have to say, I'm a bit bemused about the bedding situation. Spain can get quite cold, even in the south, and I am sure the hotel would have been able to provide more bedding if you had asked. If not, let the holiday company know, as they will want to fix this for future customers.)

He's BU expecting you to organise a holiday he'll enjoy without contributing to the ideas. He's expecting you to present a range if options as if you're his personal travel consultant. Fuck that. You can upgrade to a slightly better resort without him in tie so go with your dc and enjoy your time with them. If he comes up with a suggestion that appeals go for it.

So you:

• asked him if he would be happy be happy with a poolside chilled holiday and he said yes
• booked and paid for the holiday, he was happy for you to pay for him
• asked him what he wanted to do when he got bored of the poolside chilling, but he had no suggestions
• he also complains you do nothing fun but never suggests anything

He sounds draining.

It sounds like you're saddling yourself with a kidult just as your DC are adulting.

Well why don't you just sit down together and talk about what your individual ideal holidays look like, and arrange a compromise.

I simply can't believe two functioning adults cannot come up with a holiday that combines lounging round the pool and doing some sightseeing. And if it's too hot for him (which I sympathise with because I find Mediterranean heat draining unless its early or late season) than talk about ideal temperatures and come up with somewhere that suits you both.

Sounds like it's been a bit of a learning curve for both of you, which is a good thing. You both know you need to choose a bit more carefully next time.

I agree with shumpalumpa - maybe suggest that he organises the next holiday and you'll go along with it. It may surprise you how much you enjoy it and him how much there is to research! Maybe after this a compromise will naturally happen or you'll realise you are or are not compatible.

It does make me feel quite surprised that you lay there night after night for a week without setting the air con on a lower setting and / or asking for a blanket.

That seems very selfish of him, and tbh a bit passive of you.

It's crap communication I suppose - is that what worries you? I've got friends I can travel with, who are open and sharing, and friends who I wouldn't go on a bus journey with because they do a great martyr routine. Maybe holidays together are for compatible people who like to compromise.

This was a big issue with my DS & BIL. She just wanted to veg round the pool each and every holiday (to be fair she is bone idle at home too!) and he wanted to do more. So they used to do their own thing on holiday separately After 30 years they are currently separated & in the midst of divorce.

It's all about compromise and communication. If one of those vital ingredients is missing every single relationship is doomed to failure.

You should have a clear understanding what each partner wants when it comes to lifestyle and that of course includes holidays, before you even think of booking somewhere.

If you just assumed he would be Okay with vegging and he didn't speak up, you are both at fault and may want to work on communicating more. Then decide if you are both the partners each other wants to be with.

I don't understand how this is so difficult for people to grasp?

I did ask about the bedding, i asked for extra, however some of the staff (whilst v polite and helpful) didn't have great English so maybe it was lost in translation... They gave extra pillows but no blankets. The night temp outside was about 20 though.

We're both early 40s. I paid because I arranged it. He said he'd reimburse me his share.

Man, you can tell who wipes their blokes arses on this thread. Poor menz

OP you've enabled and pandered to this man for long enough. It's time for him to grow up. It's irritating to be the organiser for them to have a face on during it even though they haven't contributed their thoughts (or coin).

There would have been many swear words flung if he even uttered a look that he was bored.

I'd have turned the air con down. And googled the Spanish word for blanket. And told the DP to buy a guide book.

That's what I mean about it all sounding a bit crap on the communication front, a bit passive.

I don't think the answer's a cruise costing mega-bucks.

Honestly, out of the people saying they would hate a holiday like that or the op is BU, how many of you, when invited, would go on someone else's family holiday and then grump around like that but not actually sort out something to entertain yourself then be annoyed with the family for not entertaining you?

Two main issues;

1. He's behaved like a spoilt child and it negatively affected your holiday.

1. He probably won't reimburse you, that is probably what the grump was in preparation for 'I didn't have a good time so I don't see why I should pay'

If Offred is right, that's even more chilling than the bloody air con.

I mean most adults understand that it's mean and rude to behave like this and being hot or bored (both utterly predictable at the point the chance to go was offered) is something you need to STFU or do something about...

I don't understand what is going on about you paying.

I think it's misleading in your OP to say that you paid, if you simply mean that you made the payment but it was always agreed that he'd reimburse you. I always pay - my credit card has a bigger limit, and we find it works for us for one person to pay it all then we literally just halve the bill on return - saves remembering who paid for what.

If his reimbursement is overdue - he's a cock. (Lodger) But if he's on time to pay as per your agreements, then it's unfair to make him sound worse. You made it sound like he wasn't behaving well even after you paid.

And morning about the temperature is just silly - you could have got more bedding. Sounds very martyred not to just say to reception "thanks for the pillows - I also need a blanket".

I'm not saying this is 50/50, but I don't feel it's 0/100 either!

I also don't see it as 0/100, and that you're being really defeatist to conclude that there are no possible holidays you'd both enjoy. You just need to find places that are a little cooler on average (say 25 rather than 30), situated in locations with other things to do, and call ahead to the hotel to make sure there's a blanket.

If you're really of the view that the only holiday you want to do is read by the pool then you're being pretty inflexible. If it were cooler and you were sometimes reading on a beautiful terrace wearing a sundress rather than on a lounger in a bikini, would it really detract from the holiday for you?

I paid for the holiday in July. He has said he'd pay his share. He hasn't (yet) but I haven't chased him either. So that is probably my fault.

I just want a lazy holiday. I am busy all the time. I work ft, have a lot to do outside work. I like having a week where I do nothing, dont have to organise stuff or make plans, and where I know the cost of everything upfront. I'm not one to waste money so AI appeals because it's a flat price.

We could go somewhere else. But the balls in his court on that one the way i feel at present. If he wants to suggest something great, otherwise I'll be booking another similar hol for me and my DC next year. If he wants to do a city break as well then great, funds permitting of course.

Well, it's possibly your fault for not having a clear communication on when he is supposed to pay you back? I don't want to hang him without being party to the details. If he's short at the moment and you said "I'll pay, I don't need your share immediately - as long as I get it by Xmas" then I don't want to berate him for non payment.

But!!!

I couldn't be with someone that had to be reminded to settle his debts to me

I would get the money back, wait a polite amount of time (maybe a day ) then dump him.

You don't sound like you like him, tbh. Life's too short to date people you don't like.

I sympathise OP because I once went on a six week holiday backpacking around Europe with my bf at the time. In the six weeks, he didn't suggest one thing to do or make one plan. He couldn't go anywhere by himself either (because that would have involved making a decision). We had a good time but I wasn't very impressed with having the role of unpaid tour guide forced on me.

I'm not sure what you can do though except explain it exactly as you have here. "I really prefer to relax on holidays and not be the sole organiser/planner. But I'm happy to go around and do things if you plan them, or we would plan them together." etc

Meh, maybe technically in law you should have agreed a payment schedule. Money lending between family, friends, partners etc is usually assumed to not be a binding legal contract because the nature of the relationship means there is no intention to create legal relations, this can be countered by written documents stating it is a loan and when it is to be repaid.

But really? This is not about law it's more an ethical/social issue. You have kids to support, he's probably not going to pay you back at all TBH because anyone with respect would not have agreed to go if it meant leaving you out of pocket for a few months knowing you have kids to provide for. Even if you are extremely wealthy, it's rather rude to wait months until you actually have to request he pay.

He sounds like a lazy, entitled idiot.

He's perfectly entitled to not like pool holidays (not my cup of tea either), but he agree to come and he didn't have the house to organise some day trips during the holiday. And to moan about it after the fact puts a dampener on your holiday.

I'm glad you and your DC enjoyed your holiday. Don't worry about your bf and let him organise a holiday he'd like next time (though you'll also do your holiday with your kids).

What @Cricrichan said. With bells on. YANBU OP.

I think there are some communication problems and then a bit of jumping to conclusions.

First, how did you guys spend a whole week together with no clue that the vacation wasn't working for him? Did he hide it? Try to tell you but wasn't clear? Tell you straight out but you just couldn't hear it? To me, the fact that you were surprised after the fact seems really significant.

Second, when you said that you didn't want to do much at all, I think that the 2 of you had very different ideas of what that meant. What he is saying is that for 2 days out of 6, he would like to do something. To me, that still isn't doing much at all. There is a difference between absolutely nothing, and not much at all. And that difference is where your conflict lays.

Third, the more adults involved with a trip, the more complicated. When everyone went into the village and discussed going to the larger town, you said that you and your kids decided not to bother. Did he want to go? Did he get a vote? What happened there?

As far as him saying that he wanted to do something and then you telling he was free to go do what ever he wanted to, I can see how that would come across cold. After all, it sounds like you would have gone to the larger town if your kids wanted to, but it sounds like you weren't willing to do things with him because he wanted to. I know not everyone agrees with this, I think that doing some things with your significant other that they want to do is fair -- my DH goes to musicals with me and says something nice at the end; and I don't complain about him watching motor sports on TV (which means that I sort of watch motor sports on TV).

I think that you've both jumped to conclusions in assuming that this is the ONLY kind of holiday you can take, and therefore you can NEVER holiday together again, and that you will therefore end up taking holidays ALONE. If the two of you want to holiday together again, then you could sit down and talk about it, about what worked and didn't work and try to come up with a plan that better fits both of your wants. To holiday together again:

1. He has to be a very active part in the planning and researching
2. Shared decision making
3. Nothing to complicated. Inclusive, lots of time to relax, etc.
4. Moderate temperatures.

After that holiday, you could then chat again about what worked and didn't, and tweak and try something else.

It may be much easier in just a couple of years. My kids are also young adults, university gets most of our money, and life is a little stressful. However, this is a temporary phase. In just a few short years, my kids won't be vacationing with me, I'll have more money for travel because I won't be supporting them, and hopeful, life will be less stressful.

I agree with TrailingWife about the miscommunication. 4 days by the pool and 2 days with minor excursions or activities would be "doing nothing" for me, too! So he didn't necessarily know what he was getting into.

Even when people say "I'm going to do absolutely nothing" it's a bit of a phrase, and I wouldn't take it literally.

You really need to tell him to pay up now though! (before you dump him for being a manchild)